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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We are planning an HBA2C and had a final ultrasound to determine placental position.. just to make sure we were well away from the scar.. here is how it went

The specialist said that my scar was the lowest he has ever seen. I replied, well yes.. my children were quite low and engaged when the surgeries were preformed. So he reports that my placenta is no where near the scar and that everything looked great. He then said that the baby was "measuring slightly ahead" and when was I scheduling my "elective repeat ceserean"? I replied we were not and he went white and looked totally shocked. "Are /they/ ok with that?" "of course DH and I reply" and we leave the office..
Nice.. I like that.. when are you scheduling your ELECTIVE repeat ceserean???

Yeah, well that is why they call it ELECTIVE doctor.. it isn't REQUIRED..now is it.. and we are not.. thanks...

So, my mother calls tonight for me to look up a medication an elderly friend/client is taking. He really is not well and would like to just die and the Drs have him on something that might just kill him. She was all upset and went off on how Drs are idots and don't have any brains and why should we trust them..
So, I stupidly pipe up "well mom, now you know why we are not just scheduling this birth and trying other things first.."

an innocent comment.. I thought.. afterall she is "behind my HB decision 100%" and laughed out loud when we told her shortly after we decided this... yeah.. well I thought that reaction was totally out of character and man was I right..

So.. this is what I am accused of

I am going to die
I am throwing this birth in her face "as a nurse" (mind you she hasn't been a nurse in 40 plus years)
She hopes my DH has life insurance for me so my 2 surviving children (nice) will be cared for
I haven't shared any info on this with her nor does she know anything about our MW (which is bullshit because I stood in the back yard telling her of our decision 10 weeks ago and offered to give her lots of research on the safety of a hba2c and the risks of ERCS and she said "I have no interest what so ever to read anything.." My DH even remembers her saying this.. and I also remember telling her about the qualifications of my MW, of my doula, of our plans in case of transfer, that we were not taking any risks, that everyone's priority was SAFETY.. and on and on.. )
I haven't succeeded twice before so what makes me think that I can do it this time.. and that it isnt' my fault.. and that she understands.. (sure) and why cant' I just seen an OB and go into labor and then show up at the hospital.. yadda yadda
That she "just has questions" and why can't I just not get defensive.. what if I rupture.. afterall 1% is 1%..don't you know..

and she must have said the whole "I hope DH has insurance for you" thing at least 10 times..

I was really pissed.. so I asked her how her statement (when we told her 10 weeks ago about this) that "well I guess you just want 2 kids instead of 3" was approrpiate and supportive. She admitted it wasn't, but she was being a "Realist" and I was just being "Stubborn" and not living in reality and on and on and on and on..

and then to top it all off.."I have so much on my plate right now with your grandmother, how can you do this to me.." and she then says "have a nice life, I wash my hands of this" and hangs up..

nice.. really nice...

Does my mother have a lot on her plate? Yes she does, but most of it she puts there herself.. much of it is self imposed grief.. "life has never been fair to me"..." it is all your father's fault..." "If you only knew what I went through married to him.."

the whole sob story.. Did my parents have problems.. hell yes.. but there were 2 people there... and they contributed equally to their misery.. trust me.. I lived there too..

And my sister is difficult, has been since she was born.. so I was the "good" child.. I behaved.. did as I was told.. kept my nose clean and head down under the radar.. I don't call my mother to vent about my life.. my problems.. I don't weep and wail about things to her. In fact, I don't think I am close to my mother or my father at all.. I keep to myself.. and then I am accused of "distancing" myself... and now I am accused of "adding to her grief.."

I can't win.. and it is always the same thing.. I am shutting her out.. yet it is impossible to let myself in..

So, now I am trying to relax enough to sleep.. this hasn't helped at all...

Do I want to leave my children motherless? No.. of course not.. but people die in the hospital all the time.. does she think a c/s is risk free?? DO I have my doubts about this? yes!

I really don't think i want her here when I do go into labor.. and Lord help me if I fail.. I'll never hear the end of the "i told you so" comments.. I had a mind to just say "dont' bother getting me a christmas gift.. since you'll just need to return it when I die in January.."
:
 

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I would keep your mother as far away as possible until your babe is born. Seriously. I would avoid her at holidays this year....really distance yourself. I think a big key to homebirthing is the belief that you CAN AND WILL succeed. Having negative persons around can really eat away at that confidence and that is NOT what you need.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with your moms issues with your decisions. Sending some positive and successful homebirth thoughts your way!
 

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I don't have any great advice or words of wisdom for you, but I couldn't read and not acknowledge you. Jeez, I thought *my* mother was the last great martyr--maybe they should get together for coffee!

For what it's worth *I'm* a nurse, have worked in L&D, and no way on God's green earth would I ever have another baby in the hospital. You are much safer at home.

The life insurane thing isn't such a bad idea, but not beacuse you might die in childbirth--you might get hit by lightening and then how would your DH cope with three (yes, three) kiddos without you?
 

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I am so sorry. I agree that you should distance your mother from you for the remainder of the pregnancy and DEFINITELY the labor - her presence will be a negative one and will likely impact you emotionally as well as psychologically.

You are not responsible for your Mother's feelings or her happiness. Please make sure that you have a support group to talk with. It is important to talk with someone - could be your MW, a trusted friend even your DH who just lets you talk and talk and talk about your Mother and how all of this makes you feel. Find someone that you can vent to that will not offer suggestions or defend her in any way but listen to you to let you get out all of this negative energy.
Is there any chance you could have a Blessingway? Even if it was just you and a couple of friends it would be so awesome for you to be around supportive Mamas to tell you how wonderful you are and how awesome your body is and that you were built to birth this baby.

Do whatever you can to let the negative go. If there is any way even go for a massage to help release the negative tension currently held in your muscles and getting adjusted by a chiropractor would be a great idea.

Journal to yourself - only positive stuff - write down quotes you have seen in homebirth stories, posts from homebirth Mamas and books you have read that help you feel empowered.

I hope you are able to find some peace in all of this negativity.

Definitely, definitely, do NOT have your Mother present during the labor and birth of this baby, you deserve more than that.

Blessings Mama,
Keri
 

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Geez, hang in there and don't let her get to you. Perhaps we should schedule that coffee for a few of our moms. Upon hearing of my pregnancy mine said, "Now you'll get your chance to suffer." Thanks mom. I'm with a few of the PP--distance can be a very good thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thanks
. I'm still really sad and upset.. I am not sure what is worse.. the fact that I feel totally betrayed by her false positive reaction 10 weeks ago or just the whole lack of support..
 

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I'm so, so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What a horrible way to be treated! And the timing is awful, too - with the holidays and your birth all coming up so soon. Not a nice time to be on the outs with family.
:

My mother is actually very supportive. My aunt (who walks on water as far as Mom is concerned) had a homebirth about 12 years ago, so Mom has already been primed for this. One of my sisters, on the other hand, is convinced that the baby and I are both going to die, and she would like nothing more than for me to develop some sort of problem that would risk me out of the homebirth. She keeps referring to my MW as "the fake doctor."
: I know it's not as hard as having your mother opposed to your decision, but I do understand a little bit.

I have no advice, but I wish you comfort.
 

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No.... Your mother should definetly NOT attend your birth.
You are going to be fine.

I am so sorry you have to deal with such horrid statements from your mom.
She is projecting her fears onto you. She can do some research herself.

I also feared- the what if I fail thoughts- It gave me even more gumption to keep going!
 

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BTW- I made it VERY clear to my mom that this was not a topic for debate.
If she wanted to be involved then she would support.
If not- then I would distance myself from her.
She was and is very supportive.
 

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i just wanted to chime in with some hugs and to let you know you are not alone! i am planning for a homebirth. both my parents are MDs and i keep getting the "you are killing your child" comments. literally. at my baby shower this past sunday, my mother went around to all the women and told them how i wasn't getting an ultrasound either and was putting baby at risk (she thinks i am ahving twins. i think i am just short-waisted and where else is this baby going to go?!). i just keep telling myself "bubble of peace, bubble of peace." and it's a shame really because i do not tell them about any of my midwife appointments or baby movements. they are really losing out on this. you have to do what you feel most comfortable with. i salute you!!!
 

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Sorry...that sucks. I had a similar situation with a very close friend. I had to tell her (very very nicely but firmly) that her negative stories and reactions were affecting me and consequently the safety of my baby, and that if we were to be able to still talk during my pregnancy, she would have to be supportive and positive. It worked but it took a few tries to get it right and we scaled down contact quite a bit.

I could not have let it lie--I personally was not able to handle the negative emotions during my pregnancy--it was far too stressful and draining for me. I had a similar version of that talk with a few others as well, with similar results.

One more note--I would advise not to tell her you are in labor...just tell her after the baby is born. You don't need to risk hysterical phone calls or worse while in labor.

Best of luck!
 

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My mom was so unthrilled with my homebirth, I know because my sister has been planning one and she tells her all the time how crazy it is.
She didn't know we were planning one until my husband mentioned that I was being seen by the midwife and couldn't come to the phone. I was so pissed because I really didn't want to deal with her negativity. Shockingly she never said anything bad, I even had to check with my hubby that he really did spill the beans. Guess she saved all her mean words for my poor sis.

Whatever you do, do not have her there laboring with you.
Positive supporters that really believe you can do this are the key.
If my mom was in the room I think I would stop laboring all together.
Sad, but true.
And I saw it happen to my sister, she lives in town with my mom and my mom was there a good part of the labor and I think it really threw her off and slowed down her labor.

Ignore your mom's comments and surround yourself with homebirth facts. If she can't see the truth, that's her problem.

I'm so happy with my decision and loved the midwives, they were awesome and I trusted them completely and they believed in me that I could do this, even when the shoulders got a little stuck. I tell you what if I was in the hospital they would have panicked and shoved him back in and done a c-section and who knows what would have happened to both of us.

I think homebirth is awesome, empowering and safe with an experienced midwife who knows what they are doing and believes in you.

My little guy arrived just Saturday and I'm elated. Good luck to you.
well I''m off to go get my beautiful little babe back by my side.
Erica
 

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I wanted to chime in my support. You CAN do this, and your mom's behavior isn't any good for anyone. I had to take that stand with my MIL, who was big on calling up and lecturing my DH about what *I* ought to be doing with my body. I told her, no more, your negativity is counterproductive to a woman planning a natural birth. It doesn't sound like your mom has an ounce of reason, though, so I agree, cut her off for now, and focus on yourself and your baby.

There's something good that can come out of this, though. Taking a stand with your mom, even if it's a passive one, might change your whole relationship for the better!
 

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Oh Chantal....


I'm glad you shared this here and had a chance to talk it out! And again, I'm so sorry your Mother is treating you like this.

I know it was very hard hearing her say those things to you. At the same time, better to hear it now than when you are close to delivery! Now you know to distance yourself and spend your energy focusing on your pregnancy and the birth.

You are going to do GREAT!! This was such a desire of yours to birth at home and you're going to do it! Don't let the negativity rob you of this wonderful experience!
 

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wow ... I am so sorry. My first thought as I began to read was that she is your mom, she is worried and cut her some slack. But then I read what she actually said!!! And its way WAY out of line. I would not have contact with her at least until your baby is born, after that I would reevaluate what kind of presence she is in your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well, Dh and I discussed it.. and decided that we are not going to ask her to watch the kids when I go into labor. My friends have all nicely volunteered to take the kids and we have several offers.. so if someone is nto available.. then we have a back up. Hopefully I'll go into labor at night when they are sleeping.
I also expressed concern about dealing with her should things not go as planned and I end up with surgery again. And DH, bless him, says.. well since no one will know you are in labor we wait until you are home and then call everyone..
SO I feel better, having a plan. My MW also said that this is a common "mom" reaction and she is happy to talk to my mom at an appointment. I have to think about that.. and will see if my mom is even talking to me
:
I'm not going to talk to her about this anymore.. but I won't refuse her access to her current grandkids.. no matter how out of line I feel she has been. Trying to take the "high road" and not be immature, like she is..

So, thank you so much for listening and offering support.. It has been a really tough and emotional week.. between the ultrasound freaking me out (more so because it was a Dr's office and he said ERCS) and then my mom.. I am just trying to regain my balance..
 

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Your DH sounds like a gem. Good for you!

Glad to hear you're regaining your equilibrium. And it's great that you have friends who can watch your DC's while you're in labor - sounds like having your mother there would be very counterproductive.

If your mother is willing to talk to the MW, that could do a world of good.
 
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