Well this...just...sucks

I've been thinking about posting in here for a while, but it wasn't until recently that I admitted to myself how bad things were. My DS is almost 4 months old...he's adorable, cheerful most of the time, a fairly decent sleeper (a "bad" night's sleep is nursing him every 2-3 hours from 8pm to 8am), my DH is supportive and tries to take him whenever possible...I have nothing to complain about.

But why do I feel so...empty? I'm fairly good at compartmentalizing and putting on smiles for DS so he doesn't see sad-Mummy, but a lot of the time it's a strain. I feel like I don't exist...or when I do exist I feel like I'm drowning. I lose my temper at the least little thing and have to restrain myself from yelling at this adorable baby. I have flashes of thoughts about harming myself or him and they scare me. DH says "Don't worry, you'd never actually do it"...but somehow that doesn't make me feel any better (imagine! )

I've been trying to do more things that are ME and not "Mummy" -I'm working on some new writing projects, and I listen to a lot of audiobooks and spend time online (not just reading posts about babies). But I feel like things are getting worse instead of better. Most of the time when I "take time for myself" (as much as one can when EBF-ing a baby who can't sit up on his own and who freaks out if he's away from me for more than half an hour) I end up feeling worse. I know part of it is that I'm tired, but I have a chronic inability to nap.

Because of the way I was raised I have a tendency to invalidate my own feelings -I assume I'm just being melodramatic, I tell myself I need to get over it. And, like I said, I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing, so some days I'm fine (it comes in waves). But I just wanted to come out and say that I don't think I'm OK, really...and not being OK sucks big time.