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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, we're finally done. This is it. Wow... I kind of expected to be here one day, but it's hit me like a truck.<br><br>
We've always had problems. This weekend, though, we really reconnected. I thought we did. I was falling in love with him again. Man.. I found out he's been talking to this girl online, the same girl he was talking to a year and a half ago or so. Basically telling her he misses her, wants to see her, that she's so hot and has a fine a** and blah blah. Complaining about me and his life. Same thing then, same thing now.<br><br>
So it's probably not physical, since she lives in Arizona, but that's quite enough for me. I'm done with his secrets. I'm done with his lying. I'm done.<br><br>
He doesn't know that I "know" yet. He wouldn't admit he did anything wrong. Stupid man. I hacked into his IM and read his messages after he went to bed... what a liar.<br><br>
So this is it. I am done w/ him and I am single, with two children and 7 months pregnant. Yay, right? My own stupid fault...<br><br>
I'm so stressed because I don't know what I'm going to do. I make enough money to probably support us, but I freelance, so it's unstable. And I don't know how much I can work once the baby comes. Ugh... so many things to think about!!<br><br>
Luckily, him and I never married. At least I did something right.<br><br>
You are all so strong. I am trying to be strong.
 

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I'm so sorry...An emotional affair can be every bit as devestating as a physical affair. I wish I had the magic words to make everything better, but as everyone (I think) will tell you here, there are no magic words and only time will make things better. Have faith and be strong - stand up for what you want and believe in and take good care of your babies and yourself. We will be here for you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I can't sleep. It's 4am and I haven't slept and I'm going to suffer in a couple hours when the kids wake up!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: I don't know what to do. I just keep thinking about all the practical things I need to figure out, and then crying that I'm in this situation and what a liar he is. Our lease isn't up til August, I'm due in July, I can't get an apartment when things are so up in the air w/ my being able to work or not, I don't want to stay w/ my parents because it's not a healthy place... argh!!!<br><br>
I want to wake him up and scream at him, but I feel like I'd just be using him as a shoulder and I so do NOT want to do that.<br><br>
It's weird because this is the first time I've been sure it's over. We've had fights and we've broken up and yadda yadda but this time, I know it's the end.<br><br>
I somehow thought I'd feel happier about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I think you should ask him to leave. Just tell him that he needs to step up and be a man, and let you and your children stay where you are until you get further on your feet. There is no reason in the world that you should try to move yourself and two children when you are pregnant. Depending on what kind of man he is, I would think that this is the *least* he could do for you.<br><br>
I'm so sorry - I know how scared you are...
 

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It's hard to feel happy about it while it's happening, besides which, it's a scary place to be, single mom with 2 kids and one more on the way. But you can do it. You will feel happier about it as time goes on and you are building your life without him. It's a lot to plan but you will find a way.<br>
Good luck to you mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I wish he would leave. But I'd be very surprised if he did. He just isn't that kind of person. He refuses to take responsibility. We talked for a few hours, because he wouldn't let me leave the room (if I did he'd follow and end up waking up the kids), claiming innocence. Claiming he only told her these things to boost her self esteem (do you tell someone you wished they were yours to boost their self esteem?!?) and that he's remained committed to me. He's always been like this, he never, ever admits to wrong doing. He never takes responsibility for his actions.<br><br>
He went from angry, to apologetic, to angry, to crying and begging, etc etc... but I just can never forgive him. I will NEVER ever trust him, and I refuse to do this anymore. He finally went to work after vague threats of suicide. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
I guess we'll see what happens. I have a lot of work piling up, so I better try and get that done...<br><br>
How do you go from shopping for a new family car to fit 3 carseats to the whole world being turned upside down!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
I have nobody to talk to about this... so thank you for giving me a place to talk.
 

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((((Keja)))) - - - Mine didn't leave until after the baby was born, she was four months old, but I found out much later that he had been cheating since before she was conceived. He was very detached during my pregnancy, didn't come home until late or didn't come home at all, never once touched my belly the whole pregnancy. I suspected he was cheating but he swore he wasn't, and it is very easy to believe a lie when it is what you want to hear.<br><br>
Is he on the lease? Could you contact the landlord about having him evicted and the locks changed? I know it's scary - I really do.
 

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Ask him to compose and send an email to her, introducing YOU, (say "hi"), and explaining that you and the children are his family and his responsibility and he has been very irresponsible to carry on this relationship with her whilst married to another, who is now pregnant with number three. Then you can add your own bit: that you are not foolish enough to think you can control a man who wants to stray, but that they both should also know that you're smart enough to hack any accounts at the house." Ask him to send it in your presence.<br><br>
And move ahead with your plan to split, and don't hack into anything again, because, Why? You know what he is, and what he will probably always be, and you don't need any more salt on the wound.<br><br>
No one deserves to be disrespected that way. There is something far better out there for you and your children. Reach for that.<br><br>
VF
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I just wanted to give you hugs!!!<br>
I am sorry to hear about your crappy situation!! I know it's hard to begin with and to be pregnant on top of that... God! Don't listen to his lame threats of suicide, those are just a power trip to get you to forget about being mad at him. I think you are doing the right thing in leaving him, even if it may take longer that you would like.<br>
Be strong and believe in yourself!
 

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Seriously -- read the book "When Your Lover is a Liar". It's the best $12.95 I ever spent. Totally helped me see how his lying is about HIM and HIS shit and NOT about you. It walks you through confrontation and conflict, how to end things, everything. Great, great resource.<br><br>
Sending positive thoughts your way. I have problems at my end, but I can't imagine being pregnant and going through this. Wow. You are one strong mama and you will make it.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Your story is VERY familiar to me, as my marriage just ended for the same sort of thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you for your support. It's been so strange. I never expected such an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like a mess. I keep crying and I'm so hurt, and I saved the IM logs and keep reading them to remind myself not to fall back into old habits of forgiveness. It's hard when he's being so nice. Brought me and the girls lunch, went and bought pillows I'd been yearning for for months. At lunch he said he was so, so sorry, and expects no forgiveness, just another chance.<br><br>
It would be almost easy to say okay, let's try again. But I know in my heart I would never trust him again, and I refuse to spend my life wondering if he's at work IMing some girl, posting personal ads, and everything else. I just can't do it... I just won't do it.<br><br>
There is a chance we may try to both stay here at least until the baby comes and the lease is up. He seems to be acting responsibly some of the time, anyway, saying he'll pay the bills for as long as I need. I hope it's true and I hope things can remain civil... but I'm not holding my breath.<br><br>
I need to get some kind of lawyer and figure things out. Maybe it would be easier if we were married. I dunno. I feel like I'm in mourning of the family I so badly wanted to have. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
As for the other girl, she knew about me and the kids, about me being pregnant. She's married with children, as well. It sickens me. I thought about talking to her but I just don't see the point... He would never do it, anyway. Despite me catching him doing all of this, his first concern was that I NOT contact her. To me that makes it quite obvious what's more important to him.
 

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I wouldn't talk to the other woman. I see it this way: I wasn't sleeping with her. She and I don't have any arrangements. He is the issue. Her loyalty lies to herself, whereas his is suppose to be with you. You are strong, too. It is not just us. We are always here for you and can always offer some support. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
We decided it's in everybody's best interest to just remain living together until the baby is born, and decide what to do from there. It feels weird, like everything is in limbo, but it makes sense... and it gives me more time to plan.<br><br>
We've been talking more openly, too, which is a change. I still feel I could never trust him again, and some days it's hard not to try to forgive and forget. But his inability to see that he did anything wrong keeps reinforcing things for me.<br><br>
But, I'm okay.
 

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Keja, I really relate to your posts. My husband is also a very charming, easy-to-forgive guy who is a perpetual liar. I felt, as our relationship went on, the growing and intense temptation to just believe him when he says things will be different this time and just go on with the charade because it's easier, emotionally and from a practical stand-point.<br><br>
I left when my daughter was 8 months old and it all happened 'again'. I don't want her learning from us to have a marriage like that. I don't want her learning from him to expect and accept being told one thing when something else is obviously going on.<br><br>
My husband could look you right in the eyes and tell you he's 5'6" (he's 6'2") and that he's wearing a blue shirt (with a green one on) and you'd want to believe him.<br><br>
My daughter as she grows is going to find out that Daddy says "I'm going to take you to the zoo" but he won't, and then "this time I'm going to take you right after work" but he isn't. She is going to find out that he says "I love you more than anyone and you and your mama are the most important people in my life" when his choices, priorities and actions say something much different. That's going to suck bad enough, for her most of all and for me as I help her make sense of it, without her seeing me accepting it and playing along. I want to be the best role-model for her that I can, and I hope that she can find someone to love and possibly marry (if she wants) who treats her as she deserves someday.<br><br>
Do you know what I mean? I'm rambling and I never do this and rarely post so much of my crap, but I really related to your SO's telling you one thing while acting so clearly something else. I'm sorry if I've over-stepped or offended.<br><br>
It is very hard, I think, to end a relationship with someone who won't admit they want out, even while they are behaving it clearly enough. Like you, I do the equivalent of your reading the IM transcripts to remind myself what is really going on while he's telling me what on so many levels I want to hear "it'll be different, it'll all be okay..."<br><br>
I wish you peace; I find it in my daughter. You are obviously very strong and I'm sure you will work out the plans and arrangements ahead of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Wow, easy_goer... that is exactly it. It's like he lives in an alternate universe, he makes me question whether *I* am seeing things wrong, he is so easy to believe.<br><br>
He always says the strangest things, like, "I've never told you it would be okay and it hasn't, right?" and you want to say, "Yes" but I know for a fact the answer is no, he has failed again and again. I don't know what it is, for so long I've let him get away with living in this alternate reality of his, just to keep things "happy".<br><br>
But for now, I'm just shelving it... I have my pregnancy to think about and plans to make.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>easy_goer</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8166904"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Keja, I really relate to your posts. My husband is also a very charming, easy-to-forgive guy who is a perpetual liar. I felt, as our relationship went on, the growing and intense temptation to just believe him when he says things will be different this time and just go on with the charade because it's easier, emotionally and from a practical stand-point.<br><br>
I left when my daughter was 8 months old and it all happened 'again'. I don't want her learning from us to have a marriage like that. I don't want her learning from him to expect and accept being told one thing when something else is obviously going on.<br><br>
My husband could look you right in the eyes and tell you he's 5'6" (he's 6'2") and that he's wearing a blue shirt (with a green one on) and you'd want to believe him.<br><br>
My daughter as she grows is going to find out that Daddy says "I'm going to take you to the zoo" but he won't, and then "this time I'm going to take you right after work" but he isn't. She is going to find out that he says "I love you more than anyone and you and your mama are the most important people in my life" when his choices, priorities and actions say something much different. That's going to suck bad enough, for her most of all and for me as I help her make sense of it, without her seeing me accepting it and playing along. I want to be the best role-model for her that I can, and I hope that she can find someone to love and possibly marry (if she wants) who treats her as she deserves someday.<br><br>
Do you know what I mean? I'm rambling and I never do this and rarely post so much of my crap, but I really related to your SO's telling you one thing while acting so clearly something else. I'm sorry if I've over-stepped or offended.<br><br>
It is very hard, I think, to end a relationship with someone who won't admit they want out, even while they are behaving it clearly enough. Like you, I do the equivalent of your reading the IM transcripts to remind myself what is really going on while he's telling me what on so many levels I want to hear "it'll be different, it'll all be okay..."<br><br>
I wish you peace; I find it in my daughter. You are obviously very strong and I'm sure you will work out the plans and arrangements ahead of you.</div>
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