[sweetsensation]

Ds just turned 2 and I only have temp orders stating that until he stops nursing, he doesn't have to go all weekend like his sisters. I have just had a baby and my ex keeps stating he knows ds is not nursing anymore and wants him all weekend like his sisters. I think it is too long for a two year old to go without his mother, even though he stopped nursing several months ago (ex does not know this and can't think of any way he can prove it). I have let him stay overnight for one night during the weekend visit while I was pregnant.<br>
Anyone else in or been in a similar situation????

 

[VocalMinority]

My ex and I split up just after our twin boys turned 2 and I wholeheartedly agree with you. I didn't even have breastfeeding as an excuse. Luckily, my ex agreed with me and didn't push for overnights then. Why don't you look up parenting time guidelines in your own state, <i>as well as other states</i>. Indiana has clear guidelines, with markedly different standard visitation schedules for infant, toddlers, preschoolers, school-age children and teens. And it is true that these different age groups have different needs, when it comes to time with their divorced parents! It would be better for the 2-year-old to spend <b>more frequent</b> time with your ex, but have each visitation period be relatively short, so he doesn't get upset about being away from you and can truly learn to <b>enjoy</b> visiting his dad. If your ex can't appreciate that what's developmentally appropriate for <span style="text-decoration:underline;">the kid</span> is more important than what's convenient to the dad's schedule, then hopefully you can convince a judge or a custodial evaluator. Good luck, mama.

 

[JunipersMom]

my now 5 and 2 year olds have not had an overnight yet. My 2 year old still nurses at night and my 5 year old hasnt slept anywhere but with me or in her own bed .. but I'm sure he'll only allow this for a bit longer. But I'm hoping it lasts alot longer!! We are doing this on our own as our divorce states he has them from friday night at 6 until sunday night at 6 on his weekends

 

[One_Girl]

In the state I live in kids don't have to sleep over at night until they are four. They have a minimum guideline that includes that provision. If your state has something similar then perhaps you can get away with not having him go for overnights until he is older. I have heard that judges tend to give fathers a lot of visitation if they push for it though so trying to work with him may make things better. He can know that you aren't nursing anymore if your girls know and that can come out in court and look nasty, especially if you try to have the girls hide that knowledge in anyway (which I am sure you wouldn't). Judges sometimes give even more to the other parent if one parent has been less than honest or seems to be trying to sabotage the other parent's rights.

 

[sweetsensation]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>One_Girl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433433"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Judges sometimes give even more to the other parent if one parent has been less than honest or seems to be trying to sabotage the other parent's rights.</div>
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I hope you're right with this, as he is actually the one lying about a "friend" of his who i believe is living with him and whom spends the entire weekend he has the kids with them, even going to church together. And he tells my 5 year old to lie about it. He was caught in the lie with the SRS worker he had sent out to my house. She interviewed my 5 year old and she confirmed everything.<br><br>
What about an infant? I don't want him to be any part of my 3 week olds life, but my lawyer says it is the law to name a father and thus, give visitation. What can I do about that? I can't even imagine what he would do with three children and an infant, except play house with his girlfriend. The divorce isn't even final yet so I;m worried what will happen. I never thought he would act so crazy but everyone says divorce brings out the ugly in people.<br><br>
Where would I go to find out if my state has laws on the children's ages and visitation?

 

[Avani]

You do not have to name the father unless you want child support. However if your ex wants visitation he can easily get it. Typically frequent visitation is appropriate for young infants. Perhaps a few hours every day to every other day. You can't keep a father from being in his babies life if that is what he wants. regardless if it is to play house with his new girlfriend or not they are still his kids. Also just keep in mind you are lying as well to prevent the father from getting more visitation with your two year old. Saying you are nursing when you aren't. Your 5 year old could easily say you aren't nursing and that worker could confirm it. Maybe you could start out with one night a week and transition to more when your toddler seems ready.

 

[provocativa]

you could start nursing the 2 year old again. they usually pick it right back up, and help prevent mastitis with their occaisional nursing. also, many custody agreements state no overnights with girlfriends or boyfriends present (until they are long term, or require criminal backround checks on them, or etc), so you could work that angle with your lawyer.

 

[One_Girl]

Your lawyer should know the laws in your state. If you aren't using a lawyer then the court clerk may know. I would worry about using a lawyer who doesn't know the law for minimum visitation by age, unless your state doesn't have that spelled out. You can definitely put a no boyfriend or girlfriend present clause, but if he gets married that won't matter anymore so hopefully he is just playing around with being single again. I think it would cost you more to not list him because then he can request a paternity test and the cost for that may be something that you have to share in or you have automatically deducted from the child support.

 

[chel]

i also have an infant that i'm not too keen to have stbx having over night. though right now he isn't showing much interest in either kid.<br><br>
i made sure to get the "morality" clause in. especially since he's getting a place with a gal he's only known 4 months.<br>
most normal single people don't move in that quickly!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
so i'm not sure if either dc will ever spend the night as i'm not sure stbx would pick to have the dc overnight vs. her.

 

[LoveOhm]

I would be honest.... you are putting all your children in the place of need to hide something and lie about if you are still nursing your two year old or not.<br><br>
I think a two year old <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">can</span></i> have full weekend visits, <i>if</i> you and your son's dad take time for preparation <i>with</i> your two year old. You can work on a transitional period and build up to the weekend visits. That said, I think you turn a corner around 4 or 5 years of age (depending on the child) and won't need as much preparation if the father is present and consistent.<br><br>
I did not take time for preparation with my dd when she was younger since her dad is not involved and I am a WAHM. But over the past year I saw that I needed nurture myself a bit more and also have more time for work so I really worked on my dd feeling comfortable with some separation from myself. My 3.5 year old recently spent a full weekend from noon Friday - Sunday early evening with her grandparents. What seemed to be key for all of their happiness was my dd keeping active. My dd kept her full social calendar - with her grandparents taking her to ballet class, a birthday party, pedicures for grandma and dd, etc. then spending one full day at the zoo......... when I came home although dd had missed me she also felt like she had the time of her life.

 

[sweetsensation]

Well I have never actually lied about ds still nursing. I am just following the parenting plan as it is written and tell him not to assume he isn't still nursing. He just turned two at the very end of April and nursing or not, I think two nights away from home is too long. I have allowed him to stay over night a couple times but never all weekend.<br><br>
What do you do if x is lying about his girlfriend? He calls her his "friend" with the girls but I know for a fact she stays there all night when he has them and is probably living with him (or he's living with her) because her car is always out front. I am working on trying to prove it but it will take some work. I believe I have that "morality" clause in the temp court order, so how do I enforce it, especially when he continually lies? She goes everywhere with them when the children are there. How disgusting, especially when he is constantly preaching to me to pray about this and read the bible, etc, and he is committing adultery (but totally denying it just like when we were married)!!<br><br>
I didn't put X's name on the birth certificate for my newborn, but I do eventually want him in her life, just not right now. I believe it is a lot more important that she bond with her mother during the first two years and father bonding can occur later. X chose to move about 20 minutes away to be closer to work and farther from the children so I don't see how an everyday visit would work. I'm all for it, though, I would love the break (well, maybe just with the older kids). He also does not have a car big enough for all the children to ride at once, no carseat for the baby, and not really safe ones for the others anyway so I don't know how that will work. X hasn't asked about the baby yet (she's almost 4 weeks) or mentioned her at all so I have no idea what kind of visitation he wants. We are waiting to hear back from his lawyer. sorry to rant on and on, there's just so much involved!

 

[Marsupialmom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sweetsensation</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15435973"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well I have never actually lied about ds still nursing. I am just following the parenting plan as it is written and tell him not to assume he isn't still nursing. He just turned two at the very end of April and nursing or not, I think two nights away from home is too long. I have allowed him to stay over night a couple times but never all weekend.<br><br>
What do you do if x is lying about his girlfriend? He calls her his "friend" with the girls but I know for a fact she stays there all night when he has them and is probably living with him (or he's living with her) because her car is always out front. I am working on trying to prove it but it will take some work. I believe I have that "morality" clause in the temp court order, so how do I enforce it, especially when he continually lies? She goes everywhere with them when the children are there. How disgusting, especially when he is constantly preaching to me to pray about this and read the bible, etc, and he is committing adultery (but totally denying it just like when we were married)!!<br><br>
I didn't put X's name on the birth certificate for my newborn, but I do eventually want him in her life, just not right now. I believe it is a lot more important that she bond with her mother during the first two years and father bonding can occur later. X chose to move about 20 minutes away to be closer to work and farther from the children so I don't see how an everyday visit would work. I'm all for it, though, I would love the break (well, maybe just with the older kids). He also does not have a car big enough for all the children to ride at once, no carseat for the baby, and not really safe ones for the others anyway so I don't know how that will work. X hasn't asked about the baby yet (she's almost 4 weeks) or mentioned her at all so I have no idea what kind of visitation he wants. We are waiting to hear back from his lawyer. sorry to rant on and on, there's just so much involved!</div>
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It is really sad you do not value early bond with dad. At two many kids can handle a night over and work to two nights. But saying dad's bond come latter isn't right also. Please be aware dads (non custodial parents) that see their kids more often are more likely to pay child support regularly and be better fathers all around.<br><br>
Yes, car seats are an issue you should bring up and insist on.<br><br>
As maddening as it is, you can't stop him and the other women situation. You have to let go of that anger.

 

[Avani]

I would wait for the response from the lawyer instead of trying to figure this all out. Honestly there is nothing you can do about his girlfriend. If you have the morality clause then document whatever you can about the older kids saying the girlfriend is always there, stays the night, they are intimate in front of them, calls each other girlfriend/boyfriend...things like that and then you can bring it up at the next hearing. You will have to come to terms with it eventually however. Also i don't want to sound harsh but i think you need to take a good look at your thoughts about parenting/visitation. I am sorry your ex is involved with another woman and that it is really hurting you but that isn't reason enough to keep the younger kids away from him. I agree that younger babes typically need their mom more especially when nursing but it doesn't mean the dad shouldn't be involved. Children deserve both parents from the start and if dad wants to be involved he has that right. Saying a mother is more important and dad can get involved later on isn't fair or right to the children. Short and frequent visits are commonly ordered for infants. 20 minutes away is nothing. If the dad wants to be involved he will get that visitation with the kids.

 

[Oh the Irony]

I separated when my youngest was 2.<br><br>
We started with overnights then.<br><br>
He was still nursing, and continued to nurse until he was 4. He would just have a bottle or sippy cup at bedtime and his dad was able to get him to back to sleep if he woke in the night without problems. He did great.

 

[LoveOhm]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sweetsensation</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15435973"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well I have never actually lied about ds still nursing. I am just following the parenting plan as it is written and tell him not to assume he isn't still nursing. He just turned two at the very end of April and nursing or not, I think two nights away from home is too long. I have allowed him to stay over night a couple times but never all weekend.</div>
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Omission is another form of lying.... so you are lying to your ex and you are not following the parenting plan IF the plan states once the child stops nursing that he will begin overnight visits. You are putting yourself in the position where your ex cannot (and should not) trust you and where he will feel cornered to start quizzing your kids since you are not being open.<br><br>
btw - I think it's situations like this with your two year old and your newborn that make it harder on AP in the court system. AP is not something to hide behind. Let's look at the positive:<br><br>
1) You have an ex who was willing to wait until your child weaned for weekend visits. Many mamas on here fight for that and don't get it from the court.<br><br>
2) He has not taken you to court and after 6 -12 months of life in most states the nursing reason is not considered in most states. So in short if he took you to court on this issue he would win. (fyi - his girlfriend has not baring on the case even if he is lying about it.)<br><br>
3) Your ex wants to have a relationship with his kids!!!! This is a good thing your children deserve that relationship.