Sending pictures would be a nice thing to do. Who cares how he takes it, it is a nice gesture on your part. It also shows that you are not completely taking the children from him. Maybe it will serve as motivation for him to get his butt in gear and enroll in the program.
What am I supposed to do NOW?!?
4
Okay I have a question for ya'll since so many seem to be dealing with related issues here:
I have a protection order against my baby's father, first I got the temporary one and then two days after Christmas I had to go to court to get the permanent one. My ex didn't even bother to show up for court, but the judge heard my testimony and saw fit to grant me the full three years (the max in my state). Our DS is on the protection order as well, and the court order specifically states that my ex has to complete an anger management program before he gets any visitation, and then that visitation be fully supervised at the Family Visitation Center here in town providing that he submits to and passes a drug test before each visit.
Okay, well here it is April now...and a few weeks ago I called my attorney to see if she's heard any noise about him being done with anger management yet (because I want to be able to prepare myself mentally for the time that he gets to have his visitation -- I'm a nervous wreck even if it *is* supervised). She tried to contact him, but he wouldn't return her calls, so she called his sister's house (where he usually flops when not out partying or whatever the heck he does these days) and apparently his mother had about a million excuses for him (as usual -- the man is nearly 40!!!
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), but what it boils down to is that he hasn't even bothered to *enroll* in a program yet. HELLO!!! We're going on four months here!!!!
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:
So now I don't know what to do. Should I be sending updates on the baby, or pictures of him to his family (who incidentally, used to only harass me, but now no longer speak to me, except they did email me on DS' birthday to wish him a Happy Birthday, but never sent a card or a balloon anything...)? I don't want him to take me to court someday and say I "deprived" him of his son all this time, kwim? But at the same time -- he *knows* what he needs to do to see him -- I made provisions for that to happen, but he hasn't taken a single step towards *making* that happen.
Do I need to be the one to keep trying to foster a relationship between him and our son? I just feel like writing him off for good, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for this man in spite of all he's done...he's badly diabetic on top of his meth use and I am so afraid that he's going to be found dead one of these days and that would break my heart, because underneath it all, he's soooo beautiful and brilliant, but he's just become someone that only drugs can make a person.
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Another factor in my analysis paralysis is that because he has a drug problem -- I never know how he's going to take anything -- there's just NO telling. If I send pics, he might see it as a nice gesture and appreciate it, but there's at least a 50/50 chance that he'll see it in a paranoid light as a manipulative tactic, or that I'm just 'flaunting' that which I "took away from him" and that will spark his hate and rage all over again -- NOT something I want to EVER do again, kwim???
AAAAACCCKKKK!!!!
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Ideas anyone?!?!?
I have a protection order against my baby's father, first I got the temporary one and then two days after Christmas I had to go to court to get the permanent one. My ex didn't even bother to show up for court, but the judge heard my testimony and saw fit to grant me the full three years (the max in my state). Our DS is on the protection order as well, and the court order specifically states that my ex has to complete an anger management program before he gets any visitation, and then that visitation be fully supervised at the Family Visitation Center here in town providing that he submits to and passes a drug test before each visit.
Okay, well here it is April now...and a few weeks ago I called my attorney to see if she's heard any noise about him being done with anger management yet (because I want to be able to prepare myself mentally for the time that he gets to have his visitation -- I'm a nervous wreck even if it *is* supervised). She tried to contact him, but he wouldn't return her calls, so she called his sister's house (where he usually flops when not out partying or whatever the heck he does these days) and apparently his mother had about a million excuses for him (as usual -- the man is nearly 40!!!
So now I don't know what to do. Should I be sending updates on the baby, or pictures of him to his family (who incidentally, used to only harass me, but now no longer speak to me, except they did email me on DS' birthday to wish him a Happy Birthday, but never sent a card or a balloon anything...)? I don't want him to take me to court someday and say I "deprived" him of his son all this time, kwim? But at the same time -- he *knows* what he needs to do to see him -- I made provisions for that to happen, but he hasn't taken a single step towards *making* that happen.
Do I need to be the one to keep trying to foster a relationship between him and our son? I just feel like writing him off for good, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for this man in spite of all he's done...he's badly diabetic on top of his meth use and I am so afraid that he's going to be found dead one of these days and that would break my heart, because underneath it all, he's soooo beautiful and brilliant, but he's just become someone that only drugs can make a person.
Another factor in my analysis paralysis is that because he has a drug problem -- I never know how he's going to take anything -- there's just NO telling. If I send pics, he might see it as a nice gesture and appreciate it, but there's at least a 50/50 chance that he'll see it in a paranoid light as a manipulative tactic, or that I'm just 'flaunting' that which I "took away from him" and that will spark his hate and rage all over again -- NOT something I want to EVER do again, kwim???
AAAAACCCKKKK!!!!
Ideas anyone?!?!?
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Your ex is a grown man and knows what HE needs to do in order
to see his son. It's not your job to make sure your ex keeps his
end of the bargain. Which he created by his own actions.
YOU focus on your ds and yourself.
I tried for four years to bend to make a relationship happen between
my dd and her dad. My dd has seen her dad twice in the past two
years. When we were at his parents and he happened to stop by.
I still send pictures via email about 3-4 times a year to him. I don't get
replies, but I do it anyway. Since I send them to his family (Mom, aunt/
uncle, brothers, sister) I add him to the email.
Dealing with his family hasn't always been easy. His Mother used to
refer to me as "That Girl".
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I stuck in there. His parents got to know
me better (before dd they just assumed them knew me) and things are
easier now. I tried because I wanted to make sure I did what I could
to make a connection for dd's future in her family.
But I know that the chance was small that our situation would turn
out as well as it did with the family. I am glad I tried.
In your situation your ex was given written instruction on what he needed
to do in order to have a relationship with your son.
Blessings to you and ds.
to see his son. It's not your job to make sure your ex keeps his
end of the bargain. Which he created by his own actions.
YOU focus on your ds and yourself.
I tried for four years to bend to make a relationship happen between
my dd and her dad. My dd has seen her dad twice in the past two
years. When we were at his parents and he happened to stop by.
I still send pictures via email about 3-4 times a year to him. I don't get
replies, but I do it anyway. Since I send them to his family (Mom, aunt/
uncle, brothers, sister) I add him to the email.
Dealing with his family hasn't always been easy. His Mother used to
refer to me as "That Girl".
me better (before dd they just assumed them knew me) and things are
easier now. I tried because I wanted to make sure I did what I could
to make a connection for dd's future in her family.
But I know that the chance was small that our situation would turn
out as well as it did with the family. I am glad I tried.
In your situation your ex was given written instruction on what he needed
to do in order to have a relationship with your son.
Blessings to you and ds.
2
Thank you so much ya'll! It felt good just knowing that some of you could relate. Papaya, I felt like you hit the nail on the head with your post! I guess I'm still not sure what to do. The fact is, he is a scary violent person when he's angry -- and the least little thing sets him off, like not understanding a question you ask him, or a menu at a restaraunt...he has *no* qualms about flipping out in public...it's insane. So while I still have love for him, at the end of the day, I just want him out of my baby boy's life forever, as horrible as that sounds. I don't see how he has anything positive to offer him at this point in his life at all. So I think I'm just going to let it ride for now...see if he ever gets anything done as far as the steps he needs to take to get visitation.
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: But I'm not going to put any more work into it on my end, and DS and I are going to try and move on with our lives in peace.
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I wanna thank you all so much...the validation I get here on my worst days is priceless, I wish I could hug each and every one of you in person...seriously!!!
I just found out the other day that he has been telling everyone that I'm a "psycho f***ing b**ch that won't 'let' him see 'his' son..." and my blood just ran cold. Of *course* he failed to mention why there's a protection order against him -- if he mentioned the protection order at all -- or that he *could* see his son if he just followed a few simple steps, of *course* that just never comes up, yk? It just strengthened my resolve to move forward and not look back anymore. I feel like I finally have some clarity and can stop with the "what-if's" and the "but maybe's" and that feels really, *really* good.
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I just found out the other day that he has been telling everyone that I'm a "psycho f***ing b**ch that won't 'let' him see 'his' son..." and my blood just ran cold. Of *course* he failed to mention why there's a protection order against him -- if he mentioned the protection order at all -- or that he *could* see his son if he just followed a few simple steps, of *course* that just never comes up, yk? It just strengthened my resolve to move forward and not look back anymore. I feel like I finally have some clarity and can stop with the "what-if's" and the "but maybe's" and that feels really, *really* good.
Dawn, congratulations on your resolve to just keep moving forward
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! The people who matter will see through the lies he tells, and the people who don't can be weeded from your life.
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