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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DSD is lovely, really. I mean, she has her moments, but who doesn't, eh? She is doing much better in school this year, puts away the dishes without being asked (on occasion, but it DOES happen on average once a week heh), tells me about her friends, boyfriends, has good manners on most occasions, so now to our troubles...<br><br>
There are plenty of "I love you"s, there are times we make "just for her", when I go out with her to do "the girl thing", or when her dad takes her out for a hot chocolate. We try, we stay involved, we talk about sex, we talk about relationships, we joke, we play, WE TRY!<br><br>
Anywho...<br><br>
She just finished one relationship and already is jumping head first into another. She's not ready for it. She was "ooh and aaaah" about her first boyfriend for 6 months, and now a week later another one? Is this normal? I don't even know what to tell her... I try not to judge, I want her to be able to tell me things, but her rush into this new relationship with a guy she barely knows is something so hard not to comment on! She just wants a boyfriend, *sigh* it's the insecurities... How does one beat them?! There is love, there is patience, but this "boyfriend need" craze is scaring me!<br><br>
Is this a stage? Will this pass? Do I keep my mouth shut and listen? I try to sip my opinion into conversations, but I don't want to hammer, or for her to shut down. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="help"><br><br>
I worry. Please help me calm my fears. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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I think it's probably pretty normal. She's 15 (right?) and I do think that as long as she's not jumping from one distructive relationship to another, then there isn't too much to worry about. She's still at the point of figuring herself out so while she may have been all "ooh and ahh" over her last boyfriend, it doesn't mean she not nessicarily jumping into the next one before she's ready. I think listening is big, but asking questions (without putting your spin on them) might help ease your fears. I think that at this point it's probably best to avoid trying to put your own opinions in her head and let her figure out that maybe she's not ready on her own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MusicianDad</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12356139"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think listening is big, but asking questions (without putting your spin on them) might help ease your fears. I think that at this point it's probably best to avoid trying to put your own opinions in her head and let her figure out that maybe she's not ready on her own.</div>
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I do stick to asking questions, and her replies are what worries me the most. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> Believe me when I tell you, she is NOT on the train of figuring it out that it's too muc too soon, kwim?<br><br>
Any other options?..
 

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Yes. I did this when I was a teenager, and I had really big issues with my parents- who were physically present and did the best they could for me, but I don't remember them really seeking emotional intimacy with me, to know who I was, who I wanted to grow up to be. To be honest I don't think my mum is really intimate with anybody now that my dad's gone, and I don't honestly know just how close they were. So, I wasn't happy, and I substituted physical intimacy for emotional.<br>
Give her more of yourself. Let her see a bit more of who you are, what makes you tick. Share something else that's important to you but you haven't talked about before, art, books, whatever is a big deal to you. Keep talking, and keep giving. The same with her dad- it's possible to spend all day with another person and still feel alone, and a teenagers need for validation may possibly be a bottomless pit.<br>
ALSO, bring the boyfriends into the family. Invite many of her friends, male, female and potential partners around to meet you, for dinner, for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Stay in touch with her friends parents the way you would with a younger child. Be open to them.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Rather you than me. I'm grateful that DD is so small still, and my boys are still at "girls are yucky" stage.
 

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I think it's pretty normal. Teen emotions are much stronger with less real attachment than adults, iykwim. In other words, she'll probably go head over heels for every boy she "dates" even if it's only for a week, but since it's not a real (I can't come up with a better word right now) attachment/commitment she'll get over it quickly and move on to another. I think I'd be more worried if she was having trouble getting over the last relationship.<br><br>
My 17yo ds seems to do this. He was in love with the girlfriend he had last year. He said they were even talking about getting married eventually. She broke up with him. He moved away. He came back because it looked like they might get back together (or so I thought). That never happened. Before I knew it, he had another girlfriend who I had never heard of before. That lasted a couple of weeks. They broke up and he's now chatting on Myspace with at least 3 other girls.<br><br>
On thing that I missed out on as a teen was ad adult who talked to be about love and relationships. I got all the straight talk on sex and pregnancy and stds but nothing about the emotion of it all.
 

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From my dim, hazy memories of being a teenager, that's pretty normal. She's probably had her eye on this guy for some time (and vice versa), maybe to the point of waiting to end the previous relationship. There tends to be a lot of "overlap" in teen dating... it may seem like this new boy came out of nowhere, but she's probably been trying to get together with him for awhile. Or, conversely, he's simply exciting because he's a new and different flavor than the first boyfriend.<br><br>
I wouldn't worry too much about it, and definitely don't judge her for being fickle. At this age, I would personally worry a lot more about the relationship that goes on a really long time, than a 6-month here, a 4-month there, a 6-week after that. 15 is young to be getting into years-long relationships, you know? Figuring out what kind of guys you like, what kind of people you want to be friends with-- it's all a part of figuring out who you are. It sounds like you and your DH are doing a great job with communication: just keep it up! Continue to be the person she confides in.
 

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I think it depends on the child as to whether it is normal or not. Only you would know based on what kind of child she has always been over the years. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> I don't think a typical 15 yo necessarily goes from one boyfriend to another, some may but I doubt it's typical. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 15 and stayed with him way too long, wish I had dated him a short time and went from boy to boy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Oh well. Anyway, I think I stuck with him because I needed that "male" figure in my life since my dad wasn't around much after my parents divorced.
 

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Ack! Broke up with this one, and on to another! I worry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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9 days. That tells me she probably not as serious about them as she appears to be to you and that she's just trying to see what sort of boys are out there. Honestly, I wouldn't worry. At 15 your lucky if you're still going out with the same person after a month.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MusicianDad</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12415321"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">9 days. That tells me she probably not as serious about them as she appears to be to you and that she's just trying to see what sort of boys are out there. Honestly, I wouldn't worry. At 15 your lucky if you're still going out with the same person after a month.</div>
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But I think the real issue with her dating and constantly going from boy to boy is what about "her?" Does she put herself first and find herself important enough? What type of ME activities is she involved in? Is she involved in sports, clubs at school, girl stuff? She doesn't need to put so much emphasis in having a guy in her life at such a young age. As she gets older she will need to know how to take care of herself. I hate to see any girl/woman fall in to the rut of thinking at such a young age that they have to depend on a male.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommy68</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12419659"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But I think the real issue with her dating and constantly going from boy to boy is what about "her?" Does she put herself first and find herself important enough? What type of ME activities is she involved in? Is she involved in sports, clubs at school, girl stuff? She doesn't need to put so much emphasis in having a guy in her life at such a young age. As she gets older she will need to know how to take care of herself. I hate to see any girl/woman fall in to the rut of thinking at such a young age that they have to depend on a male.</div>
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Having lots of boyfriends or going from one to another to another for some time does not necessarily mean she thinks she needs to depend on a male. It's important to listen to what she has to say about the situation without any opinion or judgment. What may appear like a big issue to you or me may be a bunch of nothing to her.
 
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