DS goes to BD every other weekend, and spends one night with him. The first time, DS came back in the same underwear, pants, and socks, but a different shirt. This last time, DS came back in the exact same outfit. It was washed, but not appropriate for the weather (when I sent him it was 70's, when next day was down in 50's and rainy, NOT T-shirt weather). I sent BD an email asking to please change DS clothes and make sure they are appropriate for the weather. I told him even if he washes the clothes, to change them, because we are trying to get DS to understand that he needs to change his clothes every day (especially socks and underwear). BD wrote back and basically implied that the clothes DS has at his house (from him) need to stay at his house. I think DS should have ONE wardrobe between the two houses, BD would keep what DS wore on Sat. and send him back in something different on Sunday, and keep the cycle like that. I remember when I was growing up my step mom was very anal about keeping my clothes from them at my dad's house (I lived with my dad), and when I would come back from a visit with my mom, I would get grilled on where clothes were. I guess I don't know what is "normal"? I mean, they're just clothes, but I don't want DS to feel the separation and alienation I felt over something like this. Not only that, but I have enough to keep track of, without worrying where the shirt is that BD sent him home in. Now, I can understand for a special occasion, or there was a time recently when BD asked me to send DS in a specific shirt, and I did, I think that's normal, but having "Mom's house clothes" and "Dad's house clothes" seems a bit extreme??
What do to about the clothes??
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My ex and I were a little silly about the clothes right after we broke up, when feelings were raw. You are right that it's nothing to create tension over! Your position (that "mom's house" & "dad's house" wardrobes are silly) is the most reasonable. But if it's hard for your ex to spend so much time away from his son, and having certain articles of clothing, that he picked out for your son, stay at his house in some way makes him feel better, then let it go. Why don't you go to a 2nd-hand shop and get a change of warm-weather and cold-weather clothes for your son, to send to dad's house? Then your son will have more than one outfit from "your" wardrobe, when he's there - and dad won't fear that if he lets the kid wear a different outfit home, he'll be sending a favorite shirt off to your house, never to be seen again...
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adding onto the PP's idea, maybe you can get an overnight bag with a few options of clothing (for various weather) that is his "daddy visit" bag. The things in that bag could be used only for coming and going from dad's and you can make sure they are clean/appropriate when they come back to you.
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I personally hate the two wardrobe thing myself, but in our case it's DSD's Mom that wants us to send her back in same clothes. We have never gotten an overnight bag, so we need to provide clothes for her to wear here. And in cases where I don't get a chance to do the laundry, I do send back DSD in "our" clothes and Mom always grills me where her clothes are, so I started giving them back in a bag, dirty when I don't have time to do wash. I don't love this option though because sometimes we don't get "our" clothes back then, and to have to constantly replenish a wardrobe for EOW is hard on the pocketbook, even with shopping consignment shops.
So maybe your ex doesn't have enough clothes at his house... does he pay a good amount in CS? Do you mind sending an overnight bag with some different weather clothes?
So maybe your ex doesn't have enough clothes at his house... does he pay a good amount in CS? Do you mind sending an overnight bag with some different weather clothes?
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We have two intermingled wardrobes--SD doesn't pack to come here, but we also don't really care what ends up at whose house. If we need a particular outfit for a particular function (i.e. the one really nice dress SD has, for my graduation) SD's mom will send it over.
(And I wondered if you lived in WI because I recognized your weather. It's gonna be 70s again by the end of the week.)
(And I wondered if you lived in WI because I recognized your weather. It's gonna be 70s again by the end of the week.)
Clothes here get mingled. It's simply too hard to keep them separate. Their mom has swim trunks and stuff at her house, but for a while she didn't and we'd just send the boys with what she needed. And if she runs low on pants for whatever reason, we just send extra.
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DSD was always free to decide what to bring in and what to take back.
We went clothes shopping with her, and she took that clothes to her mom's. Now that she lives here, she goes shopping with her mom, and brings it here. I'm all for minimizing the drama and making it easier on the kids.
We went clothes shopping with her, and she took that clothes to her mom's. Now that she lives here, she goes shopping with her mom, and brings it here. I'm all for minimizing the drama and making it easier on the kids.
We keep Dss clothes that we buy here and send him to his moms in her clothes. We used to not worry about it, but after an entire summer of us sending him there in new/nice clothes and her sending him back in clothes sized 18-24 months (he's a size 4-6), we started sending him back in her clothes. Its not so much of an issue now because she doesn't see him very often, but when we were losing one or two outfits a week and NEVER seeing them again, i was pretty mad. She even took a nice vintage coat my mom bought him and refuses to send it back, even now that i doesn't fit him anymore, (i wanted to save it for my Ds), claiming that she is the one that bought it for him.
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I have to admit, when I said before that my ex and I were silly about the clothes when we 1st broke up, quite a bit of it was me, with these same sorts of issues. I really loved some of the things I bought our twins and the outfits that got left at dad's never seemed to get worn again, until they were too small. Plus, there were special things I wanted to save. Plus it irritated me that the kids were coming home in hand-me-downs from the son of my ex's new live-in girlfriend, and I felt mad that he lived with that kid, but was irregular about showing up for visitation with ours (back then, not now). Getting on with life and over a lot of those feelings has really helped. Admittedly, it also helps that a couple years ago, he married a different woman. I really like her...and she's kind of a shopaholic, who has pretty nice taste in clothes, so I certainly don't mind the boys wearing the stuff she buys them, when the wardrobes from our 2 houses get intermingled!!
Originally Posted by julesdsm  We used to not worry about it, but after an entire summer of us sending him there in new/nice clothes and her sending him back in clothes sized 18-24 months (he's a size 4-6), we started sending him back in her clothes...when we were losing one or two outfits a week and NEVER seeing them again, i was pretty mad... |
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We wash the clothes that dsd comes in and send them back when they are clean. Dsd's mom does the same. It works out well. Perhaps you can assure your ex that you will send the clothes back the next visit in an overnight bag or whatever.
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We also keep clothing seperate, but we do it by sending the clothes to the appropriate, house in a bag, after washing them. We have different tastes in clothing in the 3 households (mine, dsd's mom, and dds' dad) so i prefer it that way. Main winter coats go to both houses, but we did buy extra coats, snow pants, and boots to keep here. That happened the first time youngest dd came home in shoes (I sent her in boots) and it snowed the next day and we wanted to go sledding but no boots!
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I buy the clothes and I try to provide extra seasonal stuff for her dad's house. She spends about 2 overnights per month there so I pack a bag. The clothes she wore over tend to take a week or two to come home but they always do come home so I don't worry too much about what goes over. I do tend to send her over wearing clothes I don't mind "losing" for a while or clothes that can take the heat of the dryer (a few items I loved shrunk there) but otherwise, I'm OK with the deal.
If they sent her home in inappropriate clothing and I never saw the things I purchased again, I'd buy her a "weekend" wardrobe from Target or the thrift store and not think about it again. The clothes I had an attachment to or I wanted to resell/hand down would not go over and would be designated as "special ocassion" outfits or "school" clothes so dd wouldn't feel sad about not being allowed to wear a particular item to her dad's.
Socka and underwear and jammies... I could not care less about coming home. As long as she was wearing them.
I think that would really get my goat- that your ds's dad doesn't change his undies! Can you buy a few pairs for him to keep there?
If they sent her home in inappropriate clothing and I never saw the things I purchased again, I'd buy her a "weekend" wardrobe from Target or the thrift store and not think about it again. The clothes I had an attachment to or I wanted to resell/hand down would not go over and would be designated as "special ocassion" outfits or "school" clothes so dd wouldn't feel sad about not being allowed to wear a particular item to her dad's.
Socka and underwear and jammies... I could not care less about coming home. As long as she was wearing them.
I think that would really get my goat- that your ds's dad doesn't change his undies! Can you buy a few pairs for him to keep there?
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My feeling on the matter of clothes is that I buy them for him and it shouldn't matter where he wears them. The main problem was that all she was trading all his baby clothes for the clothes that we bought/fit him and we were left with no outfits that fit him. I ended up having to clothes shop several times for him last summer, just so he would have something decent to wear. Financially just not feasible for us.
Originally Posted by Jeannine I have to admit, when I said before that my ex and I were silly about the clothes when we 1st broke up, quite a bit of it was me, with these same sorts of issues. I really loved some of the things I bought our twins and the outfits that got left at dad's never seemed to get worn again, until they were too small. Plus, there were special things I wanted to save. Plus it irritated me that the kids were coming home in hand-me-downs from the son of my ex's new live-in girlfriend, and I felt mad that he lived with that kid, but was irregular about showing up for visitation with ours (back then, not now). Getting on with life and over a lot of those feelings has really helped. Admittedly, it also helps that a couple years ago, he married a different woman. I really like her...and she's kind of a shopaholic, who has pretty nice taste in clothes, so I certainly don't mind the boys wearing the stuff she buys them, when the wardrobes from our 2 houses get intermingled!! |
My steps have two wardrobes. Their mom refused to pack bags for them, and so my husband had to buy clothes for them at a time when he had very little money. Whatever she was trying to prove backfired, however, as I think the act of getting clothes for Dad's place made the kids feel more at home and less like a visitor.
Their mom did go through a period of making the kids uneasy b/c they were wearing the same clothes back on Sun night that they wore on Friday, and to alleviate their stress I washed their clothes before Sunday, even though I knew they were going to land in a laundry bucket as soon as they got back home and into bed. Luckily she dropped this requirement later, which was good timing b/c I had a newborn and didn't want any more laundry than was necessary!
Their mom did go through a period of making the kids uneasy b/c they were wearing the same clothes back on Sun night that they wore on Friday, and to alleviate their stress I washed their clothes before Sunday, even though I knew they were going to land in a laundry bucket as soon as they got back home and into bed. Luckily she dropped this requirement later, which was good timing b/c I had a newborn and didn't want any more laundry than was necessary!
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This used to be one of our biggest problems. DSD has two distinct wardrobes (we are 50/50 custody, btw). Two of everything - backpacks, snowpants, winter coats, whathaveyou. It started when DH told DSD's mom that CS would be reduced when we went from EOW to 50/50 and she refused to send a bag out of spite, necessitating the purchase of an entire wardrobe in a day. Never mind that we had already bought DSD a fair amount of clothing - her mom just kept it all.
Things really became distinct when she started school, because her mom will send her to school in things that we will not (stained, ripped, wrong size - 18-24 mo on a 1st grader). Also, we spend a fair amount of money on nice clothing. Her mom does not. Both DH and I have a "thing" about the kids looking nice for school and family gatherings. The clothing from our house gets resold to fund the next clothing purchase, which means things have to be washed carefully to keep them in good condition.
Also, DSD's mom smokes. She claims not to smoke in the house, but everything from that house reeks of cigarette smoke. Kids should not smell like a pack of Marlboros, IMO, and no amount of washing fully gets that out.
So at this point, whatever she arrives in gets put in a bag and sent back the next week. I usually wash things, but request that her mom does not (It was a waste of her time anyway, because I would just rewash to remove the cigarette smell). We used to send her back in the clothes she came in, but we do not do that anymore because we switch on a school day.
I get the feeling that DSD's mom thinks that she should just have one wardrobe between the two houses. Which is is funny since she is the one who started the two wardrobe concept in the first place. At this point, our taste in clothing and the care of that clothing is just too different. It does help that DSD doesn't have to remember which things are which house when she arrives at a house, her things are already there. No packing required. No driving to the other house for the forgotten lunchbox or snow boots. We used to have a lot of clothing issues, but now that we found something that works, things are so much better.
Things really became distinct when she started school, because her mom will send her to school in things that we will not (stained, ripped, wrong size - 18-24 mo on a 1st grader). Also, we spend a fair amount of money on nice clothing. Her mom does not. Both DH and I have a "thing" about the kids looking nice for school and family gatherings. The clothing from our house gets resold to fund the next clothing purchase, which means things have to be washed carefully to keep them in good condition.
Also, DSD's mom smokes. She claims not to smoke in the house, but everything from that house reeks of cigarette smoke. Kids should not smell like a pack of Marlboros, IMO, and no amount of washing fully gets that out.
So at this point, whatever she arrives in gets put in a bag and sent back the next week. I usually wash things, but request that her mom does not (It was a waste of her time anyway, because I would just rewash to remove the cigarette smell). We used to send her back in the clothes she came in, but we do not do that anymore because we switch on a school day.
I get the feeling that DSD's mom thinks that she should just have one wardrobe between the two houses. Which is is funny since she is the one who started the two wardrobe concept in the first place. At this point, our taste in clothing and the care of that clothing is just too different. It does help that DSD doesn't have to remember which things are which house when she arrives at a house, her things are already there. No packing required. No driving to the other house for the forgotten lunchbox or snow boots. We used to have a lot of clothing issues, but now that we found something that works, things are so much better.
We have 4 kiddos with for different x's.
I have sole custody of my oldest, so there is no issue there.
I have 50/50 with my youngest who is 10, and we try to keep clothes separate because his dad does not have the same standard of care for clothes that we do. There are some clothes that go back and forth, but not many. I try not to stress over it too much unless it's something special.
My sd has two different wardrobes, and she sometimes complains about it (she's 8), but her mom loses clothes all the time. The times that we have let her take things to her mom's they haven't come back unless we go fetch them. I think SD is starting to see why we do it this way though, because she has taken things to her mom's, the items have been lost, and she misses them.
My ss has the same set up, and he's 2 so that works for both parents, although his mom (different from sd's mom) is more responsible with clothes, and if something from our home gets sent to her home, she will return it washed, and we do the same for her.
I have sole custody of my oldest, so there is no issue there.
I have 50/50 with my youngest who is 10, and we try to keep clothes separate because his dad does not have the same standard of care for clothes that we do. There are some clothes that go back and forth, but not many. I try not to stress over it too much unless it's something special.
My sd has two different wardrobes, and she sometimes complains about it (she's 8), but her mom loses clothes all the time. The times that we have let her take things to her mom's they haven't come back unless we go fetch them. I think SD is starting to see why we do it this way though, because she has taken things to her mom's, the items have been lost, and she misses them.
My ss has the same set up, and he's 2 so that works for both parents, although his mom (different from sd's mom) is more responsible with clothes, and if something from our home gets sent to her home, she will return it washed, and we do the same for her.
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DD only goes to actually stay with XP once a week and i also used to get irritated that i send her to her dad in super-nice clothes only to never see them again until they don't fit because he's put them in a drawer and forgotten to pass them back/put them on her the following week. It does bother me still if it happens (maybe it shouldn't though). I do buy clothes for her, not me (i.e. not for my style/taste reasons) but it isn't like SHE is getting to wear them anyway.
Also he will put things on her he likes often and other things not at all - she has a pair of age 2-3 jeans with an elasticated waist worn right through at the knees and is wearing a pair of age 2-3 ones today which she came home in last week after i hadn't seen them for about 5 months that are a) completely brand new looking and b) already too short...
I haven't resolved this yet, longterm. As she grows things fit longer and it is less of an issue. But today for example i called him and said she had lovely new organic underwear on, and that i'd send her with a second, identical pair, but could i please have both back because i really want her to have the benefit of wearing them and he was fine about it. Communication is probably the best solution...call your ex and ask how he thinks you can resolve it together? You could have 1 big wardrobe or 3 (1 with you, one with him, one that gets swapped the whole time)?
Also he will put things on her he likes often and other things not at all - she has a pair of age 2-3 jeans with an elasticated waist worn right through at the knees and is wearing a pair of age 2-3 ones today which she came home in last week after i hadn't seen them for about 5 months that are a) completely brand new looking and b) already too short...
I haven't resolved this yet, longterm. As she grows things fit longer and it is less of an issue. But today for example i called him and said she had lovely new organic underwear on, and that i'd send her with a second, identical pair, but could i please have both back because i really want her to have the benefit of wearing them and he was fine about it. Communication is probably the best solution...call your ex and ask how he thinks you can resolve it together? You could have 1 big wardrobe or 3 (1 with you, one with him, one that gets swapped the whole time)?
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We had such an issue with this a few years ago that we used to label all of DSD's clothing with a sharpie marker on the tags because her mom couldn't be bothered to send back any of the clothing we sent her there with (I even told her it was no big deal if it was dirty, I don't mind laundry). She would send DSD back to us wearing too-small, stained or ripped, or weather-inappropriate clothing and rapidly her wearable wardrobe at our house shrank to nothing. So we finally started labelling and telling DSD that she needed to bring back anything marked with a D (for Dad's house) in her backpack, dirty or clean, on Sunday nights after a weekend spent at her mom's. Not great to put that responsibility on DSD, but her mom repeatedly ignored our requests to send back clothing or claimed she forgot to bring it with her at dropoff time, so that was the solution that finally worked for us. I can't tell you how upset I was when DSD invited me in to see her room at her mom's house one day and there was a huge closet in her room full of nice clothing, yet she was always coming back to us wearing last year's worn-out stuff.
Now that she's 11, we're all a bit more relaxed about the whole thing, but we do have a rule that brand new clothes we buy her must stay at our house because they still tend to never come back.
Now that she's 11, we're all a bit more relaxed about the whole thing, but we do have a rule that brand new clothes we buy her must stay at our house because they still tend to never come back.
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