[lovingmommyhood]

I wasn't quite sure how to word my subject because it's really just a matter of two different kids with two different parents and boundaries. (I think?)<br><br>
My friend and her two boys 5 & 9 stayed with me this weekend. It was a very unpleasant experience being around her older son. I try not to get irritated with other people's children and I try to remember that all kids have different personalities and that's okay... but it was hard!<br><br>
Well to begin with the five year old was so rude to me, demanding things of me. "Get me four pieces of toast!" "Throw this away!" "Get me some milk!" Most of the time when he did this I would just sit there and not do what he said. I'd just wait until his mom (who was sitting right next to me) finally got up and did it. I felt like she was mad at me for not doing what he said...?<br><br>
The entire weekend he would yell at my son for various reasons, rip toys out of my his hands, push him over, and scream "Miiinnnneee!!!". He kept telling Cullen "I don't like you! You don't talk right." (Because he's two?)<br><br>
Don't get me wrong, my son mis-behaves as much as any other child but I've never been around this kind of behavior, especially coming from a five year old. I didn't say a word to him about what he was doing/saying, and neither did his mom. I really didn't feel it was my place except to try to comfort my child.<br><br>
I felt like she just gives him what he wants and ignores anything else that he does. He wanted to eat out of my container of ice cream at 11:30 p.m. and she let him without blinking an eye. She could've at least had him use a bowl, but hey what do I know? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: I guess I should've said something but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable in my home and I could always buy a new carton...<br><br>
Is this normal behavior for a five year old? Would you continue getting together with the kids?<br><br>
It was so happy to see them go even though we're very close friends.<br><br>
*Glad to get that off my chest!

 

[ThreeBeans]

Whoa, this all happened in your house?<br><br>
Dude. Not cool.<br><br>
Your home, your rules, your boundaries.<br><br>
Example:<br><br>
Littlerudeboy: "Get me some milk!"<br>
D: I'm sorry, what did you say? I like to help people who talk nicely to me, not people who scream orders at me.<br><br>
or<br>
littlerudeboy: "C, you don't talk right!"<br>
D: "C talks the way he does because he's small. You talked like that when you were two, too. I bet you wouldn't want people to hurt your feelings over that?"<br><br>
or<br>
Littlerudeboy: *shoves C down, takes his toy away*<br>
D: "In this house we do not shove. You may not play with C if you are going to be unkind. You'll have to leave C alone until you remember to play with gentle hands."<br><br>
or later on.<br><br>
littlerudeboy: I want some ice cream!<br>
D: In this house, we eat ice cream with a bowl and spoon.<br><br>
That way you aren't interfering with her parenting style (or lack thereof as the case may be <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: ) but you are setting boundaries for respecting you and your kids.

 

[lovingmommyhood]

I know, I really I need to toughen up! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I just get nervous that my friend will be mad at me, but I guess that's really not as important since she's a grown adult. I just kind of stood there thinking "is this really happening...?"<br><br>
OH OH and her son grabbed a toy away from Cullen and gave it to his mom and Cullen's lip came out all quivery and she goes "oh honey, can he please have the toy?" and he says "NOOOOO!!!" and so she didn't give it back to Cullen, she just kept it on her lap. I was so mad!! Apparantly she has to run all her *major* decisions past her five year old.

 

[TereasaT]

I totally agree with Threebeans. We use "In this house, ....", too. The kids come back with "Well, we can do that at home or my mommy and daddy let us do that". I just say that in our house, we may have different rules but we all have to follow them. It actually is great because then my 2 1/2 yo and 5 1/2 yo hear this all the time.<br><br>
Then, when we go to other people's houses where the kids are eating sweets after dinner or walking around while eating, they don't have a problem when I say that we have our own rules that we follow.<br><br>
As far as your friend is concerned. I don't think parenting comes naturally to everyone. I know that I have learned a lot from watching my friends and vice versa. She may not have very many parenting role models and may learn a lot from you just from observing you. She may actually start thanking you.

 

[artgoddess]

I understand your frustration and I understand your not wanting to "parent" another persons kid. I find that friends of mine who have a little girl who is great, and who they parent much in the way I do I have a less difficult time saying, "sweetie, I really don't like people jumping on my bed, someone could get hurt. Can you find a new game to play?". Yet another friend of mine whom I have hardly ever seen redirect her daughter, or just shrugs when her daughter pushes other kids at the playground I find it difficult to make suggestions to her daughter.<br><br>
It's almost like I'm stunned to silence that her mother would not say anything to her daughter who shoves another kid.

 

[hillymum]

I've lost a friendship because of children not being reduirected or asked to stop what they are doing. I find it means the parents lack respect for other property or are just lazy and can't be bothered to do anything. It's not gentle parenting, it's lazy parenting and there isn't much you can do about it ime.

 

[kkeris]

I've got a friend whom I like very much as a person, but she just er.... puts her son's wants above other children's all the time. I understand that her son is really small (2.5 and hence I dont blame him at all), but I really wished that she would step up more. For example, when we are having a playdate, if her son kept on snatching everything my DD has in her hands, she would half-heartedly go to him and ask him for it back (as opposed to gently helping him to give it back), while my DD is sobbing away and hysterical at having stuff snatched from her hands the tenth time in a row! And she would verbally persuade and persuade and yeah, even tho her son does usually return at after a while, by then my DD would have already been very upset and moved on- to something else which he will decide to snatch again and the cycle continues. It might not sound like much when I post it here, but imagine how frustrated, upset and angry my 2.5 yr old DD feels by the end of a 3 hr playdate <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Well, thats why we are not having playdates anymore. But we still meet up on our own tho. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[artgoddess]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>hillymum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7923374"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've lost a friendship because of children not being reduirected or asked to stop what they are doing. I find it means the parents lack respect for other property or are just lazy and can't be bothered to do anything. It's not gentle parenting, it's lazy parenting and there isn't much you can do about it ime.</div>
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Yes, and this bothers me. The one friend in my above example has let her kid trash stuff at my house without a word. I felt insulted. Me. Even though it was my sons books she ripped.

 

[mags]

Ugh, I feel for you. Oh, and to answer your question, NO, I do not think it is normal for a 5 yr old to act like that. By then they should have an idea of how to ask for thing politely or how to act in front of other ppl, as long as their parents have taught them manners.<br><br>
I have similar issues with a friend's son who can often be very mean to my son. He sometimes says the nastiest things (I can only imagine he learned to say these things from his parents, he doesn't go to daycare or preschool yet), and it just makes me cringe. His mom often says nasty things about other ppl too, so I am thinking he is basically just picking it up from his mom. She is standing right there and sometimes thinks that these nasty things her son says are cute and I'm thinking, "omg, I can't believe he just said that and she is ok with it!" Anyway, in situations like this, I tend to distance myself. We may still occassionally go on playdates, but not as often as before, etc.. If you don't think you or your kids want to be friends with them anymore, I would just slowly kind of see them less and less and if you drift apart, then that's ok. I don't want my kids to learn bad habits from other kids either.

 

[Irishmommy]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TereasaT</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922339"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I totally agree with Threebeans. We use "In this house, ....", too. The kids come back with "Well, we can do that at home or my mommy and daddy let us do that". I just say that in our house, we may have different rules but we all have to follow them. It actually is great because then my 2 1/2 yo and 5 1/2 yo hear this all the time.<br><br>
Then, when we go to other people's houses where the kids are eating sweets after dinner or walking around while eating, they don't have a problem when I say that we have our own rules that we follow.<br><br>
As far as your friend is concerned. I don't think parenting comes naturally to everyone. I know that I have learned a lot from watching my friends and vice versa. She may not have very many parenting role models and may learn a lot from you just from observing you. She may actually start thanking you.</div>
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So your kids and other kids have to follow your rules in your house, but your kids don't get to follow other rules in other houses?

 

[ThreeBeans]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Irishmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7923881"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So your kids and other kids have to follow your rules in your house, but your kids don't get to follow other rules in other houses?</div>
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I think there's a difference between rules and lack of rules <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
So, for example, if I allow my child to jump on the couch ( I do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> ), and we go to a playmate's house whose mother DOESN'T, he must follow that rule.<br><br>
However, if in my house I have a rule that we must say "please and thank you" ( I do) and we go to a playmate's house whose mother doesn't have such a rule, I would still insist he say please and thank you.