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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
that can't be scheduled on CP's time, and occur on NCP's time? Does NCP get 'make-up' time from the CP because of that?<br><br>
Currently, we have a mutually agreed non court-order custody agreement - I'm primary physical, we have joint legal.<br><br>
XH gets her Tues. afternoons/evenings - 4-8, and Friday nights from 4pm-9am Saturday. This is what he set in place.<br><br>
So what happens when she gets invited to things on Friday nights? I try hard not to schedule things on that night but sometimes it's inevitable.<br><br>
The one non-school prep (lunches/homework) non- ballet/brownie/ basketball meetings/practices, etc. night we have is Saturday night. Does my xh automatically get that night because she's invited to a party Friday night?<br><br>
This is only the beginning, I know...
 

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I think that if you have an amicable relationship with your ex and he expresses a desire to have a make up day with his DD to cover for an activity, then you should try to work it out with him and do what you can to support her relationship with her father.<br><br>
If you have more of an adversarial relationship it makes things sticky. You may want to check with a lawyer and depending on your CO you may not be allowed to schedule activities for her on his mandated time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
ok, I hear what you're saying...and these are definitely not things *I* schedule for her - this is stuff like a birthday slumber party for a girl in her class. Whenever she does things with one friend at a time - like a sleepover, I always schedule those for 'my' night with her so she and her father don't lose out on their time.<br><br>
But sometimes- with all of the concessions I'm making, and the time I lose - I wish that he would accept a dinner out or something, instead of an entire sleepover night...I miss my baby when I don't get to see her for the whole weekend - since I'm a fulltime working mom and he has just as much unscheduled time with her that I do.
 

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I am a fulltime working mama too, so trust me when I say that I understand missing your DD. I would be sad to not see her for a whole weekend too.<br><br>
However, your ex has 1 weeknight 4 hour visitation and 1 overnight visitation a week. Can you imagine yourself only having 1 overnight a week and then giving it up?
 

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Our kids are older, 10 and 12, so we have run into this quite a bit.<br><br><br>
During activities, the NCP could take them and transport them to these activities. (ours chooses not too) When we do have a free weekend, I will often switch with him, if he asks. To be honest I do not volunteer.<br><br>
We had an issue a few years back where the NCP told our son 'if you were not playing soccer, I could see you more" and so our son dropped out of soccer. Surprise, Surprise, visitation did not increase. He now kicks himself because he has not continued his skills to play at the elite level.<br><br>
Recently he said the same thing to our daughter... She called him on it, and basically told him that if he wanted to be part of her life, then he needed to fit into her life.<br><br>
Honestly, when activites that every normal kid does.. birthday parties, sports, ballet, sleepovers and the like come up, if he has special plans.. then the kids will miss some things, but never games. We have left it up to the kids.<br><br>
He always has the option of coming and seeing them during the week or whenever he would like too. We have a pretty open door to him, my new husband grew up in the same neighborhood, his best friend grew up RIGHT next door to my former spouse.. so there is a history of friendship between everyone. For some reason, my former spouse just does want to be an active part of the children's lives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Definitely not, but I would not have apathetically agreed to that either. He uses dd to entertain his stepdaughter who idolizes her anyway. It's not about *him* seeing/spending quality time with *her*.
 

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We have my SD on weekends during the school year, weekends in the summer. If a major activity falls during "our time," we do what we can to get her to the activity (we're a 90 minute drive...so we're unlikely to drive her for a birthday party for the neighbor's hairdresser's cousin who she's never met, but we'll take her to friends' parties, special events, etc., then drive her back home or just drop her early with her mom if mom isn't working...it's a lot of driving but my partner was the one who chose to move, so...). If she had a Friday-to-Saturday sleepover, we'd probably drive to the other city to pick her up from the party (with the stipulation that if she freaks out in the middle of the night, Mom picks her up and we'll meet halfway early in the morning so Mom can get to work).<br><br>
We don't bother with make-up time, because so much of the schedule is ad-hoc anyway ("hey, kiddo has no school Thursday or Friday, you want to pick her up or should I arrange for care?") and both parents have a lot of time with their kid. But I can see where make-up time would come in for a strict EOW arrangement.
 

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In our situation, things that are scheduled on either parent's time are at the discretion of that parent. So if she was invited to a sleepover during a time she was scheduled to be with my husband, he would decide whether or not she would go. If there was something important to her mom that was happening on a weekend she was supposed to be with my husband, she could offer to give "make-up time" to make what was time-with-dad into time-with-mom, and then she gets to make the decision... but that still would ultimately be up to dad to decide if he wants to make the switch or not.<br><br>
Did that make sense? It works fine with a young child, and with two parents who are willing to listen to and honor what is important to their daughter. I can see it might not work as well in other families.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Ideally that's how it would work, yes. And other than summer vacation, I've made sure that nothing I plan to do with our dd is planned on 'his' nights. He very often asks to switch plans/change nights, get extra time, etc. I almost always acquiesce. I would also never plan something for her, or make a yes or no decision for her if it was on his night (ie this birthday party that she was invited to on *his* night. We asked him because it was his decision to make.) My problem is when he then insists on this make up time when so much of my other time is taken up by him anyway. KWIM?
 

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He gets 25 hours/week - including time asleep. Compared to how many that you get? The extracurriculars she's involved in during the week are at your discretion - you can cut those back if you don't feel you get enough time with her. But, I'm sorry, I don't think it's fair that he give up his one overnight so she can do something else. Either tell her no from the get-go, or give Dad a make-up evening.
 

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We are the NCP. Mona is 11 years old, and is getting active in sports, and there are always birthday parties, etc. We do get to make up most things, or say there is a birthday party on a Friday night and it is a slumber party on our weekend. We will just pick her up on Saturday and finish out our weekend with her. Or if it is a few hours that she needs to be somewhere on our weekend, we will take her to the activity and pick her up after. If it is something that makes us skip a weekend entirely, it is made up either the weekend before or after most of the time. If it is volleyball or something, we will work around that, since we want to go to the games anyway. I would say 80% of the time we do make up the time, but we don't get our nose out of joint when there is not an opportunity to do so. For example, DH is supposed to have dinner with Mona once a week, but sometimes since we live about 40 miles apart, that just doesn't happen for one reason or another, and that doesn't get made up all the time.<br><br>
In the summer time we get one full week a month and every single weekend unless there is something special going on with her mom's family. If her mom needs her for a weekend or two in the summer, we don't make that up. We plan that week around volleyball camp and church camp which are both sleep-away. We also don't have her on the two weeks of swimming lessons, because she goes with her school friends and is bussed to lessons from near her mom's house. We just pick a week that doesn't conflict. For other activities in the summer that happen during our time, we transport her ourselves.
 

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I think relationship with each parent is more important than sleepovers, yet sleepovers are a fun part that a kid should not sacrifice to make it work.<br><br>
I understand you miss your child when she's not there the whole weekend, but if you consider seeing her 1.5 days a week vs. 5.5 days, I hope you will recognize that her dad can claim "I miss my baby" much more so, kwim?<br><br>
I also don't think "it's not about her, it's about her stepsister" is a valid argument. She needs to see her siblings, and it is only healthy for her to be involved on that level in her father's life, don't you agree? Relationships take time to maintain and develop, and that means two parents need to work together to find a balance so that this kid can spend time with both families.<br><br>
DSD's parents have their issues, but aside from the early years of divorce, most of the time they were pretty flexible about not sticking to the schedule, and allowing either mom to have an extra weekend or for the dad to pick her up for an extra night if something came up.<br><br>
Here is a question you have to answer for yourself:<br><br>
If a sleepover takes up a night, that means one of the parents should give up a night.. Do you think it's fair for her dad to have no overnights while you get 6 on a week taken up by the activity?
 

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I don't think you should have to make up the time unless it's something you've scheduled. If your dd has a slumber party on Saturday night, you don't demand that her dad give you make up time, even though you're losing out on your time with her. And I don't think its fair to make your dd miss every activity on a friday night or give up extracurriculars just to make the visitation schedule work smoother. What if you guys went to an EOW schedule (in addition to the one night per week) that way if she had an activity on a friday (or any other time during the weekend) then it wouldn't be his entire weekend time lost. Then the next weekend you'd have a long interrupted stretch as well. I really think though that its important for both parents to participate in taking their child to events and activities, a child's life shouldn't have to stop just so they can visit one of their parents. As a child gets older both parents will give up some of the time they once spent with their child, as the child spends more time engaged in outside activities. But maybe you could look over your dd's extracurricular schedule with your ex to show him that it she isn't that overscheduled and that you don't have a huge abundance of free time to give him as make up time. I know from my own childhood it doesn't take much to fill up the week. When I played softball that was 2 week nights plus Saturday morning and then you add in girl scouts and dance (all activities I participated in as well) plus your ex's two nights and you don't really seem to have any extra time. Do you think your ex wants dd to quit an activity so that she has more time to spend with him?
 

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I agree that is stinks that you have to miss the whole weekend. However, I also agree that is is worse for her dad to miss his only overnight with her. I am assuming he is wanting to be involved etc., and I'm assuming he isn't trying to make her miss events on Fridays, just that he wants make up time. We always make sure to take dsd to events on "our" time, even when they are for her mom's family. We will definitely let her go to sleepovers on our weekends if they come up (with people we know, obviously). But, we have the whole every other weekend plus an overnight during the week, so missing one night doesn't mean we don't see her at all that week. I would think about either changing the schedule if possible or letting him pick another night also.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think you should have to make up the time unless it's something you've scheduled. If your dd has a slumber party on Saturday night, y<b>ou don't demand that her dad give you make up time, even though you're losing out on your time with her</b>. And I don't think its fair to make your dd miss every activity on a friday night or give up extracurriculars just to make the visitation schedule work smoother. What if you guys went to an EOW schedule (in addition to the one night per week) that way if she had an activity on a friday (or any other time during the weekend) then it wouldn't be his entire weekend time lost. Then the next weekend you'd have a long interrupted stretch as well.</div>
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I think the difference is if you just spend the whole week with the kid, and plan to spend another whole week after this, while dad gets one overnight he just lost, and now has to wait for another week. I agree with you 100%, I also don't think a child has to lose out on activities, but I do think that the parent with majority of the time should be kind and understanding in regards to the parent who gets to see their kid only 4 nights a month, and just lost one.<br><br>
To be honest, I also never understood how EOW is fair. Is four days a month enough for you to build relationship with your child? I would assume you would answer "heck no!" Shouldn't a father get the same consideration, kwim?<br><br>
I speak from being on both sides of the fence.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Oriole</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13286689"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">To be honest, I also never understood how EOW is fair. Is four days a month enough for you to build relationship with your child? I would assume you would answer "heck no!" Shouldn't a father get the same consideration, kwim?<br><br>
I speak from being on both sides of the fence.</div>
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As an EOW family, I can answer definitely NO, it's not enough. But since we live in separate school districts (about 45 minutes apart) she has to be with her mother during the school week. But her mom understands that and rarely asks us to miss out on any time. We do our best to make up any missed time with us.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>melijack1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13286737"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As an EOW family, I can answer definitely NO, it's not enough. But since we live in separate school districts (about 45 minutes apart) she has to be with her mother during the school week. But her mom understands that and rarely asks us to miss out on any time. We do our best to make up any missed time with us.</div>
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I think flexibility is the key, and listening to both parents' and the child's wants and needs is important. That's why I'm delighted we were never sticklers to the paperwork, and most of the time created our own schedule.
 

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My dad had us every other weekend and my mom had us all the rest of the time...but because she was one person, and we were many (three kids), and she wanted time with us, too (she worked--often two or three jobs), she made sure to schedule activities in which she took part, so she was our brownie leader, she taught us catechism, she coached soccer...so we had activities, but she was PART of them, it wasn't just drop the kid off, run errands.<br><br>
Too, generally as far as sports went, it was one per kid per year. She did ask us to consider how our dad would feel if we chose to have a sleepover at a friend's house on his weekend. She would often offer to have that friend over OUR house the following weekend, so that we could still be "with" her, but also have a sleepover with our friends.
 
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