When does it come up? Does she bring it up randomly on the phone? Or in response to something you've said?
My mom hasn't said anything negative about my parenting style in a while--since dd's 3rd b-day (4 months ago), to be exact. And the reason is: we really haven't had any behavior issues since just before her 3rd b-day. It seems that my mom only criticizes/questions my parenting philosophies, and the authors that I read/trust, when we (dd and I) are struggling. Nothing like kicking you when you are down, huh?
Really, when I step back, I see that my mom cares deeply about me and dd, and wants to help. When dd and I were having a tough time of it, she heard all about our struggles (via phone calls). Living far away, she did not get the advantage of seeing our daily joys. I would certainly discuss our joys--but the struggles weighed heavily in her mind. She was worried that I was screwing this up!
In one particularly difficult phase (right before her 3rd b-day---really, really horrible and disturbing violent behavior for about 3 weeks--but a *phase!!), I called her one day to vent and weep. And she started in. And I told her that I was calling her and venting because she is my mommy, and I NEED to vent to her. My sanity depends upon it. But I am not asking her to fix it for me, kwim? I am not abandoning my parenting ideals. Dd *will* learn to control herself. I *will* continue to treat her with respect.
She told me that hearing about our struggles makes her feel helpless. She offers this advice--unsolicited and unwanted--because she desperately wants to help somehow. It was a good conversation, and I think we finally understood each other's pov.
I am hopeful that she has a bit more faith in gd, now that dd has finally reached a nice, long phase of cooperativeness and our family is working so well together as a team. She has allowed that "whatever we are doing, it is working"
. But it is a shame that her faith in my parenting choices is so directly tied to dd's behavior, cause I was a darn good mom when dd was in her "difficult" phase, too!