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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My ds is obviously too young for GD at this point (almost 1) - we're all about distraction & redirection, etc.

However, dh grew up in a very rural, retro area - sees nothing wrong with spanking and actually had corporal punishment in his schools the whole way through.

He's made some comments here and there that indicate to me that we're going to battle about GD in the coming future.

Has anybody else gone through this? How did you deal with it?

A wrench in the works: dh has reading issues and *will not* read written materials I have & will rarely skim websites. My persuasion/battle will have to be strictly verbal.
 

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honestly? i told him "tough shit". if he laid a hand on my child i'd leave him. it's a dealbreaker for me. he's mostly in agreement about the principle, and 100% agreement that he will never ever ever ever ever ever hit our children. we do talk about alternatives to the ways that i'd prefer to "discipline" our children. consensual living is something that is sometimes hard for him to swallow...and guess what, a part of consensual living is respecting his dissonance with it. so it's an ongoing conversation.

but with hitting - no exceptions. if he hits our children, i will leave him. he knows that, and i'm pretty confident that it will never happen.
 

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At least have him agree to try it your way first. Then be a model for him. He'll watch and critique, I'm sure, waiting for your way to fail so he can prove his point. This has been my strategy but only on the rare occassion have I "failed" in DH's eyes with GD strategies. On those occassions, we discuss other ways I could have handled the problem in a GD way or why DS was acting up in the first place (hungry, tired, sick, etc) or how DH's expectations may be developmentally inappropriate for what DS (almost 3 now) is capable of. Slowly, with persistence and modeling, I've been able to win the battle against spanking. Just the other day DS was throwing a tantrum about something he couldn't have that I had put away. DH stepped in and handled the situation with GD. The tantrum stopped quicker than I could probably stop it. Later on, I complimented DH on how he handled the situation without yelling or threatening to spank. I think DH "gets" it now. Recently, DH proudly told our son's caregivers at daycare that we don't spank when they were discussing discipline. I'm so proud of DH! He's come a long way. One thing to keep in mind is to not fight about discipline in front of your children. If DH is handling a situation in a way that you wouldn't, don't correct DH or fight with DH about it right there. Leave the room if you disagree with how he's doing it then discuss it later when the kids aren't around. If the kids see you fighting about discipline tactics, they'll use it to their advantage later on and try to create a wedge between you and DH. Hopefully, like in my DH's case, your DH will come around to seeing things your way and fighting/disagreements will be a non issue eventually. HTH

Kim
 

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I was honest with my dp, who does somewhat 'get' gd after many discussions on the subject and agrees with alot of the reasoning. I told him that if he hit our kids I would lose respect and love for him. I could not live with someone who hit our kids and I'm pretty sure the amount of love and respect I'd lose would leave me feeling like I didn't want to be around him. Although he does somewhat get gd and even agrees on many things, when he is angry he tends to forget it. He occaisionally makes comments to me about spanking when he is angry. I acknowledge his feelings and move on, most of the time! I know he isn't going to do it, and out of the moment he doesn't even want to. I think he has a hard time because the male figures from his childhood all demanded obedience to an extreme, and enforced their 'law' with physical punishment.
 

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I think my husband, like a lot of people, heard "no spanking" and thought "no discipline" - and he's afraid that if we don't have that go-to discipline technique to make her "scared of us" that she'll turn in to a knocked up 13 year old crack ho. His words. He's afraid if we don't spank her, she'll be out of control. Why? Because that's how his parents controled their kids. They weren't abuisve (considering how people parented at the time) they just had very one-size-fits-all parenting and it was the 70s, that's what people did. Anyway I reminded him that 1. his brother was spanked and grew up to have a drug problem (among other issues) anyway and 2. it's not like I don't plan for us to give her ANY guidance. I just refuse to HIT her. Luckily, we have a little dog. And I reminded him how horrified he is that some people hit dogs. I asked how we can demand less for our daughter. And then I pointed out how BIG he is and how LITTLE she is. Lastly, I told him that how he relates to her will define how she relates to men for the rest of her life. I think that did it. He's with me now.

Find out what he's really afraid of, assure him that you don't plan to let your kids run wild, and see where it gets you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Mamas, this is great. All sorts of things I hadn't thought of.

Here's a more specific question - he was speaking about a situation at work last night where an employee wasn't being disciplined for being completely out of line - and he (dh) kept referring to "there have to be consequences" for unwanted/negative actions. How do you deal with that concept?
 

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Have you read Becoming the Parent You Want To Be? The discipline section of this book is great for toddler age. I'm remembering a great section on redirection. I think it would also be easy to paraphrase and quote some of what it says to your husband. I did alot of explaining my interactions with my kids to my dp after he had witnessed them, so that he could see there was forethought and purpose, which I hope has helped alleviate some of the 'you have to do something' syndrome.
 

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While I agree with everything the pps wrote, if all else fails,
agree totally with him on his ideas about discipline and insist on applying these rules to him as well.
If he forgets to out the toilet seat down, shout at him, if he doesnt do the dishes when you ask him, spank him, if he tries to put treats in the cart at the supermarket, shout at him, spank him and force him to either hold your hand or keep his hand on the cart at all times
you might even try making him wear a leash if he strays too far from you
 

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There is a DVD version of Happiest Toddler on the Block, which my DP and I checked out out from the library. Even if you are into reading, it can be hard to have the time when you have little kids, so I think the DVD is great.

Also, Hilary Flower has some ideas for dealing with resistant spouses in Adventures in Gentle Discipline. This book also has a lot of short little blurbs of useful info (as opposed to sketching out an overall big picture you need to read a longer chunk of to get). If you rad one of the little blurs that partiularly fits a situation you could read it to him. I just did this with my DP the other day about the issue of how it's not good to make kids say they are sorry.
 
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