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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is anyone else having problems with your dear baby saying <span style="text-decoration:underline;">NO</span> to everything? She's doing the "doesn't know what she wants" thing from early in the day all day.... for example, "do you want to go outside?" NO, but I know she does want to, so I drag her outside, crying. Once we are outside she starts to enjoy herself... da-da-da-da-da.... I ask her if she wants to go in now, after about 20 min. <span style="text-decoration:underline;">NO</span> so I have to go in cause samaya is in "need" (dad was watching her) So I let haeven play on the porch, but she stands there crying, won't come in, but doesn't seem to want to be out either. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"><br><br>
What should I do? She's like this all day about everything. I know that when she says no, she doesn't really mean it sometimes, as she's just testing her independance. But what about when she has three "babies" in her arms and I get a bear off of the shelf to let samaya play with, and she want's that one too, and if I don't give it to her she cries and says "Bear!"... it seems that right after her birthday, she started being so strange (but normal, I suppose). Do I give her everything she wants? Try explaining that she can't have everything? How do I approch this from an AP perspective?<br><br>
TIA
 

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If it isn't really a choice, don't present it as one. If you are going to go outside no matter what, say "It's time to go outside." If you are going to come inside no matter what, "It's time to come inside. " Don't ask if she wants to. You only ask if she wants to do something if it's really a choice, if you really don't care whether it happens or not, or if she is the only one who can decide it. For example, "Do you want any more banana?" is a good yes or no question, because only she knows that. "Do you want me to change your diaper?" is not a good yes or no question, because you have to do it periodically even if she doesn't feel like it, but "Are you poopy?" is a good yes or no--it even gives her a chance to be in touch with her body.<br><br>
You can give her choices about non-optional transitions this way: "Would you like to walk down the porch steps, or would you like me to carry you?" Or, "Do you want to put your hat on now, or when we get outside?" Or "Would you like to pick a toy to take with you when we change your diaper?"<br><br>
She might say "No!" anyway, but at least you aren't opening the door for it. Transitions are really tough at this age. I've been working on softening up for diaper changes. This afternoon I did this fun thing: ds was resisting a diaper change, so we picked out a CD from the living room to put on the player in the bedroom to set the mood for the diaper change. He watched/helped me put in the new CD and we started it, and then went to change the diaper. I asked him how he liked the music. It was a pretty mellow change!<br><br>
My feeling about whether to give everything they want hasn't changed since before he got all intense about some things. If I don't care and he does, and it won't hurt him, I give in. If I do care because it could hurt him, or me, I don't give in. I try not to ever take a strong position about things that don't matter to me.<br><br>
We don't have a baby sibling around here, so I have no expertise on how to handle that part. My best guess is that you could ask haeven to pick a toy to give to samaya herself. But someone who has BTDT will have better advice.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"><br>
naking, and have not BTDT<br><br>
but wanted to simply say that i find that when dd is going thru her various developmental changes, it tends to frustrate me. so I have to remind myself constantly to be patient, compassionate and understanding w/ her as she is going thru her challenging changes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> This does seem to help- being her ally instread of wanting to tear my hair out. Anyway, just thought i'd throw that out there- maybe as reminder to myself if for nothing else.<br>
:LOL
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Ahh, the fun of toddlers. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">If it isn't really a choice, don't present it as one.</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree with this. It's hard to retrain yourself to say things differently but I think it's worth it.<br><br>
Something else I've found helpful is to enlist dd's stuffed kitty. For example, I'll tell Boo it's diappy time and she'll turn and run in the opposite direction. Instead of chase after her and make her come I'll say, "Okay, I guess Kitty will go first." I'll get kitty and, while talking aloud the whole time, start putting a clean diaper on her. I'll tell kitty she's holding still and cooperating so well, and won't she feel better with a nice, dry diaper? Before I'm done dd will have shown up wanting her diaper changed. Works most of the time. It takes your attention off your child and they realize that they need to cooperate with you to get it back.<br><br>
Good luck!! I know it's very frustrating at times.
 

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Thank-you "captain", that was some good advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I get so lost sometimes in this parenting thing. What you said is pretty obvious.<br><br>
Haeven is definately going through a change. Today she was crying so much. We ask her "what's wrong?" but she can't tell us. I suspect it's something to do with the fact that she might be teething (2 year molars).<br><br>
My partner gets SO frustrated when she cries, and especially for "no reason". And if we ask her if she wants to get out of the highchair, for example, and she says "no", he likes to leave her in there. The high chair is such a big deal all the time.... she wants to go "up", but when we come to take the tray away, she cries, wants to stay, but wants "up". When it gets to that, I don't know what to do. I don't want her to cry, but I want her to have some imput on what she's going to do, KWIM?
 

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I agree with all the other great advice. I have found that NOT presenting a choice when there really ISN"T one is best. Sometimes I think toddlers find choices really overwhelming. They have to process the language, decide what they want, communicate it to you even when they really just want to say "no" to everything. So I keep the choices simple and only when I really want to give him a choice.<br><br>
And sometimes they just don't know what they want!<br><br>
If it's something like dinner is over, and DS doesn't want to get out of the high chair but is done eating, I might let him sit there for a few min. while I clean up, and let him clean his tray with a rag. When clearly it is time to move on, I would present an option like, let's read a book now, go pick your favorite one, or it's time for a bath, we'll draw with the soap crayons, or whatever. Just like when you want them to give up an object, you give them an alternative object to hold. It's making them feel like they have some control over the situation but you get your mission accomplished.<br><br>
I wouldn't worry too much about always having to give a choice. I think that kids who have too much freedom to decide get insecure and cranky. Sometimes they do need us to decide, and let them know that this is what is happening next, etc. I do think it's important to be consistent in what we allow choices in, though. For example, don't make wearing a hat a choice one day and the next day make her wear it. If I don't want DS to wear a hat, I just don't mention it. If I do, I say, we are wearing hats today b/c it is cold. I never say, "do you want to wear your hat??" KWIM?<br><br>
It is a tough age and some days are better than others! I did find the period from 12-18 mos. to be very tough, now at 22 mos. DS is much more agreeable! There are times though, when they just don't get to have a choice (it's raining and DS wants to stay out, for example) and there are tears and even a tantrum but he gets over it quickly.<br><br>
Another example is coming inside. DS LOVES to stay outside for hours! When it is time to come in, I let him know "in a few min. we have to go in and eat lunch". At first he would scream at me just for mentioning this. Now he will only scream when it is actually time to go in. (I guess I can consider that progress). But I can quickly stop the tears with a nice sudsy hand washing with bubbles in the sink, and I remind him that we will "make bubbles" when we go in.<br><br>
Also, I am sure you already do this, but making sure they don't get too hungry or tired before meals or naps really helps. Sometimes my DS will get so involved in his favorite activities that he will not give me cues for hunger or fatigue and I have to really watch him and the clock.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Do you know the musical, Fiddler on the Roof? The song, Tradition?<br><br>
"Transitions, transitions!<br>
Transitions! Tranzitions, transitions! Transitions!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/violin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="violin"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/transtichel.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="tichel">:<br><br>
I haven't gotten around to writing the verses yet.<br><br>
My ds has been crying for transitions for awhile. For a long time he would briefly weep on going in and out of the high chair. Now he's better about that. We ask him whether he would like to climb into the chair himself, or whether he would like a boost. Then, when he's done, he actually says "done! Down!" Yeah, he still kvetches while we wipe his hands. He is generally okay to stay in the high chair as long as we are all at the table together. He plays with his silverware and his food and stuff and um...we let him do that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nono.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nono"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> What do we care?<br><br>
Your partner can deal better with the transitions if he expects them to be a little hard for her. My dh is actually better at transitions than I am, so I have modelled myself on him: he is sympathetic to ds's feelings of distress at having to move on to a new thing, but he also knows that ds will enjoy the new thing once he gets going. He is confident that the distress is about the transition and not the next thing, and is therefore....transitory! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Whereas I can get really hung up on the hard transition feelings if I let myself. "You mean you don't want to take a bath tonight, honey?" No, usually that's not what it means! It usually means he's not ready to switch gears, and my job is to help that go more smoothly without forcing him. Give him the bath toys, get into the tub with him, whatever, or make jokes while we take off his clothes ("where's the baby?")<br><br>
One other thing that my dh about the whole high chair thing did was to give my ds a job to do at the end of the meal. He gives him a paper towel (okay maybe not so environmentally sound, could use a sponge instead) to wipe up the tray before he takes it away.<br><br>
You are two months ahead of me and you have the second sibling issue, and that makes it a lot harder. I hope you are getting sleep and that Haeven is too! If she is crying and can't say why...maybe she is crying <i>because</i> she can't say why? It should still work to pick her up and cuddle her when that happens, right?
 

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You might also want to make sure that most her choices are generally not of the Yes or No variety, but 2 separate options. Like, don't say "do you want to go inside" but instead say "do you want to carry your ball or your bucket inside?"<br>
Might help. Might not.<br><br>
good luck, I know how you feel!<br>
Elizabeth
 

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First, I must say - your thread title implies that there are toddlers out there who *DO* cooperate. And that just ain't so! :LOL<br><br>
I get further by making things a game sometimes. Tickling, enlisting the help of toys and stuffed animals, making goofy voices. Other times I have to force myself to slow down and do things at her pace or in her way, or remind myself that some things just aren't important. Other times, I just have to force her through it and deal with the fallout later - like, if she won't get dressed and we're down to the crunch to get in the car and go to the airport, well, airplanes just don't wait.
 
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