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I've been thinking about whether I can, with good conscience, let my ds or future children be alone with dh's mom and stepdad...<br><br>
On a personal level, mil irritates me and I just plain and simply don't like her for various reasons. Dh actually doesn't really like spending time around her either because she's just so high maintenance.<br><br>
Ds will finally go to her, but only tolerates being around her for a short while. She's a super-fusser, picks at him, is real handsy, but she is good about giving him to me or dh when he's done with her.<br><br>
So she is ALWAYS talking about when he's older and comes to stay with her. There are other reasons I am uncomfortable with this, but assuming a miracle happens and she magically fixes the personality traits I find to be incompatible with being left in charge of my children, I still have this one issue looming over my head, and finally I get to it.<br><br>
She was verbally and physically abusive to dh and dh's brother when they were growing up. Now she's on medication and acts artificially happy, but from time to time, runs out of gas and we get to see another, what I suspect is more the real her when no one's around, side of her. She's highly anxious, depressed, confused...She doesn't seem like she would hurt my children, but I don't think one can ever know.<br><br>
What do you think about this?
 

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When the time comes, go with your gut feeling.<br><br>
Grandparents may be very different with their grandchildren than they were with their own children.<br><br>
Case in point: my own mother applauds my gentle touch with my high-needs daughter. She treats my daughter very, very well.<br><br>
With me, however....during my own childhood, on the rare instances I acted out, I got spanked. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It's like she's a different person now. Bill Cosby once said (regarding parental treatment of grandchildren) : "These are now old people trying to get into heaven." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
All that being said, nothing replaces your gut feeling. If you are uncomfortable when the time comes, then don't do it.
 

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if you are not comfortable dont do it<br><br>
if it doesnt feel right then i bet you it isnt right<br><br>
dont make your children vulnerable, keep them safe
 

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Has she repented for what she did, or admitted that what she did was wrong? That would be the determining factor for me. If she knows she was wrong and promises not to do it again, I would probably trust her, assuming that was the only issue, but if she's still defending her behavior, or denying it, minimizing it, etc., then no way.
 

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I think that if she really changed enough that you would feel it. If she were telling you how much she regretted her treatment of her children and that she wished she had had the right medication back then, then maybe you could consider it. However without a sincere change of heart I wouldn't risk it. Even with a sincere change in heart you would have to really be sure.
 

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I agree that you have to go with your gut.<br><br>
My mother was abusive growing up, mostly verbally, but there were a few times it got physical. She is the most awesome person with my children though. They love her so much and she is really great with them. She's never yelled at them or said anything negative at all. It honestly shocks me. I don't totally understand how she can be so different with them and have wondered how I was so different that she could have been so mean to me, KWIM?<br><br>
I'd be cautious though. If you get to the point that you're considering it I'd definitely make sure one of the children are old enough to tell you if anything did happen.
 

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I think if you have to ask, the answer is no, don't let your kids be with her. I do believe that people change. My mom was horribly abusive to me and sibs when we were kids and I literally can't imagine that she would ever be that way to my daughter. BUT it sounds like you can imagine it. With your kids, trust your instincts. Even if you risk hurting her feelings. Better that than hurting your kids.
 

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Seems like you have a while to think about this before the time comes.<br><br>
As for my opinion...I have to say no. My mother was very physically/verbally/emotionally abusive to me, and though she professes to have "been stupid" and on the rare occasions we see her (maybe once every year or so for a day or two) she seems like you said "artifically happy", I can still feel her ticking away...The air around her is just laden with fury ready to rain down upon someone's head. Once a year, I'm okay with her spending supervised time with ds, but he will NOT be spending any time alone with her for a long long time. Perhaps in 10 years (he's 4) and he tells me he wants to spend a week with her I'd let him...Maybe.<br><br>
Dh's family were not abusive, but they were spankers (and still are with thier young grandchildren) and they will not be keeping him for more than a few hours either. They live in another state, but when we do see them they know that under no circumstances are they allowed to hit ds. I've made it expressly clear (and now they hate me!) that if they ever spank ds, they will not be able to see him again. Period. I wasn't comfortable leaving him alone with them, though, until he had the verbal skills to tell me if he were hit or hurt in any way.<br><br>
I absolutely agree that I wouldn't even consider it unless she's expressed remorse over her treatment of her own children. My own mother doesn't, she acts like a victim and says things like "I was stupid, okay??? How long are you gonna make me pay for this? I guess I'm not allowed to make mistakes."<br><br>
But you said several things that worry me...1) she's high maintainence. I would be worried that she would try to make your ds fill some sort of need that she can't meet for herself. 2) She's anxious, depressed and confused. Um...depression can affect one's ability to handle every day situations. Sometimes meals get forgotten or diapers don't get changed. Depression can also compound to make an ordinary issue seem huge... for example, a kid saying he wants to wear different shoes can seem like a full blown tantrum. I would not leave my child with someone who was obviously depressed. And I HAVE been depressed before.<br><br>
Perhaps the next time she says something about your kiddo staying with her, you can say something like "Well, that's a long way off still..." That seemed to get my mom and IL's off my back for a while. But I do think you need to talk to her about this. Maybe you wouldn't want to come out and say "So, you were abusive to my husband when he was little, how do I know ds will be safe with you?" but you could start off saying something like "MIL, I was wondering, since you've been down this road before, are there things that you wish you had done differently when dh was a kid?" The way she handles that question can tell you a lot.<br><br>
Good luck and trust your gut <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Oh, and sorry if this was long-winded
 

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My mom was VERY physically reactive (I wouldn't say ABUSIVE persay, but my brother and I did get spanked with a paddle or a belt or her hands, my brother was also spanked with a hair brush for wetting the bed) anyway, she's done a 100% about face, my youngest brother has NEVER been spanked (but she's ultra permissive now but better than ultra authoritain I guess) NEVER been put in time out. She punishes by taking his playstation away....for like a day cuz thats all she can tollerate the "I'm BORED!" complaining all the time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Anyhow, if you don't trust your MIL, don't trust her. You would be doing your DD a disservice if you turned out to be right. The only one being harmed by no alone time with Grandma is Grandma. I guess I'll never understand the need for old people to 'play house' with other peoples children. *shrug*
 

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If I had so much as the slightest inkling someone MAY harm my child...no, they would never go there without me. I don't care who's feelings get hurt.
 
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