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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So Saturday we go to a Birthday party for a long time friend of mines DD. While we are there the girls want to ride there bikes in a parking lot and I tell my DD in front of my friend that I am not comfortable with that esp since we didn't bring her helmet. (My friend usually only has 2 bikes and together we have the 3 girls who are around the same age but her DD had gotten a bike from her dad for her bday and he let her take it to her moms for the week) I was unprepaired for even needing a helmet and we live 30 minutes from them.<br><br>
So then my DD spent the night at there house and my friend called me the next afternoon and said it was her house her rules so she let my DD ride in the parking lot. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> I was so mad I didn't even know what to say. So I said nothing and waited to talk to my DH. He was upset as well so I called her last night to talk to her. I told her It was disrespectful to me as a friend and a mother to my child to go against what I had said for safety reasons. She totally didn't see anything wrong with what she had done.<br><br>
Would you be upset about this or am I overreacting?
 

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I would be upset, but instead of getting into a big thing with your friend, I would probably just make a mental note that you will have to think twice about your dd spending time there without you. The next time it comes up, you'll probably have to have a conversation with your friend about your concern that your wishes won't be respected while she is there, and decide on some sort of strategy for her to call you or check in about certain things.<br><br>
But also, I would talk with your dd about what your safety rules are no matter where she is. 10 years old is old enough to know that she's not allowed to ride a bike without a helmet, no matter what the adult in charge says.<br><br>
We had an incident when ds1 was 6yo. My SIL offered to pick him up from a day camp he was at with her dd. I had several conversations that day with both her and my MIL about making sure my SIL had a booster for ds (MIL keeps some in her car), and only to find out that my SIL went ahead and drove him home without one. (Her argument was that legally he didn't need one at 6yo, so it was okay, but he was small for his age and I had made it very clear I wanted him in a booster.)<br><br>
My dh did talk to her, and my SIL got really upset, but we let it drop. He didn't ride with her again for awhile, and when he did, I took it upon myself to make sure he had the booster, stated explicitly to my SIL, not to ds, to make sure he had it buckled properly, etc.<br><br>
Basically I just realized that I needed to be directing my concerns directly to the adult in charge, in addition to talking to my kids about it. And when kids are at my house, I do the same thing. The neighbor kids were over the other day and wanted to take couch cushion and ride down the stairs. I would personally let my kids do this, but I told them they would have to wait until their parents were here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have told both that she won't be spending the night for awhile and I also had a talk with my DD telling her that she knows the rules and she said she questioned her and that she said my house my rules. I believe DD because she didn't know that My friend and I talked and that that is exactly what she had said to me. I told DD next time to insist on calling me and I will come get her. (If there ever is a next time).
 

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Your daughter is old enough to start learning she is responsible for her behavior outside of the house.<br><br>
I would not punish her but bring up the fact that she is going to be put in other situation that she needs to stand up for herself and follow the rules.<br><br>
At 10 she doesn't know how to navigate these situations. I would not be punitive at all! But think about situations she can be in and role play them. Give her a way to handle these situation. This isn't the first or last time she will be in this situation. I would give her the tools to call you and get out of the situations and keep these communication open.<br><br>
I wouldn't leave the house without her helmet to this friends house.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Marsupialmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15366186"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Your daughter is old enough to start learning she is responsible for her behavior outside of the house.<br><br>
I would not punish her but bring up the fact that she is going to be put in other situation that she needs to stand up for herself and follow the rules.<br><br>
At 10 she doesn't know how to navigate these situations. I would not be punitive at all! But think about situations she can be in and role play them. Give her a way to handle these situation. This isn't the first or last time she will be in this situation.<br><br>
I wouldn't leave the house without her helmet to this friends house.</div>
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I get that, and she questioned the friends mother, but she also has been taught that you listen to adults. It seems no one would be upset with the friend who went against what you had said and blame the child. I have talked at length with DD and she knows now not to listen to adults in charge of her no matter what, but im more pissed at my friend than dd.
 

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Her house, her rules, for her kids, but if being at her house means that your parental prerogative regarding your kid isn't recognized, then your kid won't be able to go to her house.<br>
I don't think any parent would allow their kids to go somewhere, if by being there, all parental prerogative is denied, and whatever someone else wants to do with/to their kids, stands.<br><br>
How would she feel if you and your DH liked to go naked around the house, and decided it was "my house, my rules" with her daughter over?<br><br>
Parental prerogative trumps other people. Period.
 

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I'd be sooo pissed at my friend. My house my rules goes for stuff like jumping on the bed and eating outside the kitchen. NOT for safety type stuff. As far as I'm concerned I will always err on the side of the more cautious person.<br><br>
Say I had my nephew over and he needed to ride in a carseat, my sister puts him in a belt booster, but I'd most likely put him in my 5 pt harness seat...because it's safer. It's her choice in her car, but in my car it's mine. She would know that upfront and if she had a problem with it she would surely tell me. I don't cut grapes for my kids, she cuts them for my nephew, so I'd cut grapes for him, even though I think it's ridiculous. Her kid, her call.
 

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I would be upset, I would probably talk to the friend again, and say that if dd ever goes back there, then your rules as her MOTHER need to be applied.<br><br>
I would also tell dd that the rules you have at home apply everywhere... and she is never to ride her bike without a helmet ever, no matter what.<br><br>
sorry you had to deal with this.
 

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Oh wow, I'd be upset.<br><br>
My mom pulls the "my house my rules" BS with extended family, but not for safety stuff. She at least respects the safety stuff. She abuses it with stuff like saying the kids can run around her house and such. Which I understand she is trying to be cool but she's directly undermining parental authority, she does it really strongly.<br><br>
I have been learning to stand up to her and say "MY kid MY rules. Period."<br><br>
No, the scenario you have described to me would not fly AT ALL.<br><br>
I mean, "my house my rules" really only applies to STRICTER standards. Or like if you teach your kids to call everyone Mr. and Mrs. but your friend wants to be called Jane (or vice versa), I think that needs to be respected.
 

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I would be upset too, heck I was upset my husband rode to the library today without a helmet.<br><br>
Your friend KNEW how you felt about riding a bike without a helmet and let your daughter do something you told her she couldn't do (ride a bike without a helmet). It would be different if she didn't know how you felt.<br><br>
I think you need to talk to her when you are calm and let her know that your rule is that your daughter always wear a helmet when riding a bike and always send your daughter with a helmet.<br><br>
Usually "my house, my rules" sides with the more cautious/strict rule.
 

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Honestly, my head would probably explode. In my state, helmets are the law, and if that had happened with my child, you can bet I'd come completely unglued. Is this woman your friend, or are you just friendly because your DDs are friends? If she's your friend, then I'd probably re-evaluate that relationship. If she's not, I'd probably encourage some distance between the girls.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cristeen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15367717"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Honestly, my head would probably explode. In my state, helmets are the law, and if that had happened with my child, you can bet I'd come completely unglued. Is this woman your friend, or are you just friendly because your DDs are friends? If she's your friend, then I'd probably re-evaluate that relationship. If she's not, I'd probably encourage some distance between the girls.</div>
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We have know each other since high school. Our girls have grown up there entire lives. She is always kinda demeaning to me but I just take it as low self esteem and blow it off. This was way worse that anything else ( which had been petty stuff)<br><br>
I think that is why after DD questioned her she listened to my friend because she trusts her. Now DD knows better though.<br><br>
Thanks for all your responses. When I talked to her about it (sternly but nicely) she still didn't see the errors of her ways and thinks it was fine. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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From what you have described here, I would be distancing myself from this friend. This would be the last straw for me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
A SAFETY ISSUE is paramount to "my house, my rules" (IMO). Children/people suffer too many head injuries while riding bikes without helmets for me to ever be okay with what your friend allowed and encouraged your DD to do. Your DD knew better and questioned the adult in charge. She just didn't have the tools to know how to carry that out. It will take more than talking about it once for her to gain confidence in standing up to adults in charge in situations like these.
 

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These kinds of situations are going to keep coming up as your child gets older, and while we can hope that other parents will honor our wishes, ultimately it's our children who have to be able to make the correct decisions.<br><br>
I'd be plenty mad at your friend, but I'd also be upset with my child, and we'd be having some serious talks about doing what she knows is right, not what other people are doing (and it sounds like you've done some of that). I'd want to talk about peer pressure in this context because I'd wonder how much of her riding without the helmet was because she didn't want to be different from her friend.<br><br>
But all of my talking would be with the end goal of helping my child to make decisions that keep her safe. I'd want to start having conversations about honoring that voice inside us that tells us that this situation is not ok and how to handle those situations in the future.
 

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My mom did this all the time to my children. I stopped letting them go over there. But, I made sure both her and my children understood why. Because, "Her house/Her Rules" meant breaking MY rules. And MY CHILDREN/MY RULES. Under no uncertain terms.<br><br>
My mom has little to do with us now, but when she does, she follows MY RULES.
 
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