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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Every time we take Max to see his dr I find myself realizing that I have MANY of the same traits that have lead to Max's diagnosis of Asperger's.

The one I thought of today was eye contact and lip reading. I have to FORCE myself to look in ppl's eyes. It freaks me out. I noted to the dr., "Oh, yeah, I do that, too." It was just an observation. But she said, "But you also have eye contact." Ok, she's right. But I have to FORCE IT and I only started doing that in the last 10 yrs or so when someone asked me why I always watch their mouth when they talk.

I also flap.
:


Socially, I guess I do ok. I prefer to have just a couple of closer friends, ppl I know I can go hang at their house or whatever and not be in the way. If I'm thrust in a situation, I can mingle, but I much prefer to sit in the back in a corner to observe.

I'm just wondering what other female aspies were like as children and how you are now as adults w/ kids of your own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
(sigh)

Does it matter? I mean really, does it?

You're you. You seem to have survived to age whatever. Well enough to have a child and health insurance. AS is a broadly descriptive label which doesn't, and cannot change whatever it's labeling. It's a category.

Don't worry about it. If the label is useful for your son in terms of getting him things he needs, great, but again, there's no need to take this terribly seriously. I live in universityland, I've just rented an apt to a young PhD just out of the math dept, we spent the whole apt showing dropping things and making glancing eye contact, and I'm sure he's a very nice and enormously anxious fella who's good at what he does and will pay the rent timely. I will attempt to remember what I've done with the checks and deposit them before his head explodes because the check hasn't yet cleared. Everything is, as they used to say, copacetic.

Why the sigh? I'm asking because it's my life and I wanna know.

My oldest is on the spectrum and the more I think about it the more I wonder if my dd or I are also on the spectrum.

I'm just looking for info.

And actually, no, we don't have health insurance, we're self employed.

Additionally, how can I know what's "normal" if I don't feel normal myself, if I don't think I'm normal?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by soso-lynn View Post
I have Asperger's and I can say that the PP description is pretty good, although there are variations.

You should check out wrongplanet.net
I think I will. I've looked through it a bit, but not extensively. It's not as orderly as I prefer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by soso-lynn View Post
I also agree with the PP. If you do have it, knowing that might help you get some insight on your behaviors but it really is not a big deal to worry about. I actually think I am a better mother for it.
Right, and this is my point. I wanna get a better picture for myself. I don't necessarily *need* a dx, I just would like to know if there's something more to me than just being weird. You know?

Since I have used it as an example from the OP, I'll continue:
I feel insanely uncomfortable looking ppl in the eye. It freaks me out and I told my dh, who was upset that I couldn't look him in the eye during a tender moment, "It hurts!" Somehow I just can't handle it. I forcibly sit there looking ppl in the eye wondering, "Am I blinking enough? When can I look away? Am I blinking too much? I'm blinking too much. I hate this. I have to stop. Can I stop yet?" I just want to close my eyes and retreat, go hide.

When I was a kid, I was always the friendless weird one, the socially inept. But I kind of picked up on stuff a little bit as I got older. Thankfully I have a mother and aunts with some good social skills and I learn quickly.


Hala, your initial paragraph fit me spot-on. (As for sexuality, only one partner, I married him, and we're not as active as he'd like us to be. I just don't have the interest.)

Your point about PTSD was also interesting because I know without a doubt that I have that. However, I wonder if all my life it was PTSD (grew up w/ abusive bi-polar parents) or if it was ptsd/trauma/Asperger's.

do you know what I mean?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
How old were you when you got dx'd w/ AS?

I'm on Lexapro because of anxiety. I haven't sought further diagnosis yet but haven't really given it much further thought until recently.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Oh, wow.

How was it for you in school? Did you feel out of place a lot? Wanting to be friends but nobody wanting to be your friend? Not understanding why? Did you sit toward the back of the room, hoping to be invisible so you could just observe? One day, when school first began in 8th grade, the teacher asked a question but nobody would respond. The teacher saw me mouth the number 4 and he tried to make me comment. I could not do it. I literally could not make my mouth open up and speak.

I also needed order but couldn't make order for myself. I feel like I get overwhelmed very quickly and can't fix it. The lack of order in the house drives me nuts. Today at the zoo there was a lot of chaos and noise in one of the exhibits (an enclosed exhibit, aquarium-like) and dh was asking me a question but I couldn't respond. My brain shut down until I could get out of the exhibit.

I have a lot of sensory issues, too.

Oh, yeah, and I tend to just blurt things out. I've been told I have no brain-mouth filter.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Major thread-jack of my own thread. ha!

I will email you soon.

I just read a BUNCH of threads on wrongplanet and WOW if every one didn't describe me.

I thought I was a FREAK for not liking the phone. Turns out I'm not alone.

Ok, Max is yelling for reasons not understood by me... Must go find out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
The more I look and read, the more I wonder if I have asperger's.

Crazy to come to that realization.

No dx yet, maybe never, but it's fascinating.

I'm still working things out in my head, so when I have some more specific questions, I'll be sure to post them. (Thanks, Brig!)
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Miss Info, I completely get what your saying from the mother-aspect. (Helping your child to fit by giving her the right tools.)

Also, the things you said about your dd -- WHOA. Eye opener, yet again. that was SO ME.

Someone else said something about girls being intimidating -- YES. I get on fine w/ men but it looks weird to outsiders (my mom drilled that into my head but good, let me tell ya!) so I try to have friendships w/ girls. I get along VERY well w/ one woman in particular, and our husbands and kids also get along quite well. It's remarkable, actually.

Anyway, I find myself unsure of what's appropriate limits of friendship, am I overstaying my welcome, am I calling or texting too often, etc. I am very phobic about the phone. I can't stand it. But I can text message anyone w/o issue. W/ this friend (Yvette) I can also talk on the phone w/ her, but short conversations, and I can make eye contact w/ her! I am not comfortable w/ other ppl.

Also, it should be noted, that Yvette and I have gobs of stuff in common and I feel very, very comfortable with her.

I almost always felt out of place, unsure of myself, learned to (unsuccessfully) lie to protect myself (grew up in a very abusive home), did not have many friends at all. I definitely had outbursts and had one just last night w/ no rhyme or reason to it. I didn't have the words to put to it. I just kept saying the same thing over and over. When I would get in trouble I did not know what to say to defend myself, I couldn't make the words come. Often I would wish ppl could read my mind just so they'd know and I wouldn't sit there without defense. I wasn't a bad kid, but my parents would spank and beat for the stupidest, most random crap.

I was bored out of my mind in school. I knew how to do things by the end of the first semester, getting A's and B's, but then by the 3rd I'd be failing and would pick it up just enough for pass for the 4th. I was just BORED. But nobody would challenge me. My mom even asked, but they wouldn't do it because of my grades. I was stuck in a circle that wouldn't end.

I tend to talk about me because it doesn't register that I need to ask. My sil pointed it out to me one day several years ago, so now I try and make a point to ask other ppl about themselves.
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by thebarkingbird View Post
knowing that other people have this issue makes me feel like less of a bad person. my solution is usually to hang out with other pushy people. i have been so embarrassed before because of this.
Yeah, it's awkward, isn't it? I felt SO HORRIBLE and kind of hurt because SHE was clearly hurt that I didn't ask much about her life. I just honestly didn't even realize I was doing it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I've stayed away from my specific sensory issues in this thread, but I have MANY that I will probably start listing soon. I'm actually feeling a little bit comfortable w/ this "possible Asperger's dx" for myself.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm a little bit at peace. Like I might have a REAL answer as to why I am me.

I know I'm not bipolar, high anxiety wasn't the only thing, not ad/h/d, none of it fit. This finally feels a little bit... right.

I don't feel so lost.

One of my very favorite songs:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blueo...itsjustme.html

I'm gonna feel a peace in me,
I'm gonna feel at home.
I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.
I don't wanna hurt no more.

Yeah it's just me.
It's just me
And I'll find a way to make it.
There's no one left to stop me.
Here I go, can we take it from the top?

So why so long?
So sad, I wanna be strong.
Don't try to take her from me.
I've already spent my life living half undone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Information View Post


I also just read the quote in your siggie and it made me tear up. Before I sought out help for my dd, I'd been running myself sick trying to read up every book I could and guessing all the time about why things are so hard for her to deal with.
Understandable. She said that a few weeks ago on a day that I really needed to hear it.

Quote:
And as G.I. Joe once said "knowing is half the battle".
I randomly say this just because. I think it's funny, but I can tell other ppl think it's weird.


And you're right -- knowing IS half the battle. And now it doesn't seem so hard to continue getting somewhere.

Quote:
Half of my family can't believe there is any issue whatsoever, because to them, she appears just fine and like any other kid. But I know better. She can look one way in public, and come home and fall apart where it's safe to do so.
I see this constantly with Max.

Quote:
I think this is the source of her comments to me that she "never ever wants to leave me". She feels so safe with me to express her true feelings. I'm glad she can do that, but it doesn't come without a price to me. Though it is hard on me because I absorb all her negative energy.
Mine say it, too, and I remember saying it to my mother. Eventually I realized that I wasn't safe to release and be me, so I quit saying it. I tell my kids now that they can live with us as long as they want to.

But yeah, the negativity can be very wearing.

Yeah, I've always felt more at ease with the conversations of men than with the conversations of women. I can pretend less w/ men. With women it's expected to have the same ideas and activities in common.

Quote:
I still have a tendency to be a little self-absorbed, though. Especially if it's something I'm really interested in. I have a tendency to tune out my poor dh.
Definitely. And in my case, I also think I married a guy w/ asperger's. And his brother has it even MORE noticeably than dh or I. It's kind of funny.

Aaaack!! Ruuun! The autistics bred!!!


I also know that I'm very blunt and more than once dh tells me that I need to say something differently, or instead of making plans I needed to see if he had anything on the schedule already, etc. I've had ppl be completely incredulous that I said such-and-such and I'm truly confused as to why it's such an issue. Just be honest. Say it. Why not?

you know what I mean?

I also stim. Rocking is a big one for me. I love to rock and I always have. I don't like my current rocking chair, though.
And I flap when I'm very excited.And deep pressure. I need dh to lay on me and squish me. Intimacy is very boring to him
but GLORIOUSLY WONDERFULLY comfortable for me.


I typed a lot of my sensory issues in the Adult Sensory Thread that's floating around here somewhere. I'll have to look for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Information View Post
Hmm, I think I'd like you a lot if I met you.
That's a comfort -- I'm not going to be regarded as the weird one.
If you're ever in San Antonio, pm me.

Quote:
I am going to check out the adult sensory thread to get an idea of what dd may be going through. She's not at an age where she can really understand or express what she's going through at all.
I bumped it up. A lot of it w/ Max was a matter of just figuring out what worked for him. He's 8 now, and it definitely has gotten easier w/ age because he can verbalize more than when he was a toddler.

Quote:
I can sort of understand liking the being squished thing. I like it when dh lays on me, or I did anyway, until he got to be a little too heavy and now he makes me have trouble breathing (time for both of us to lose a little weight
).
: You're not alone. I just came back from goodwill w/ pants 3 sizes bigger than I am comfortable with. *sigh* Oh well. Dress well, wear clothes that fit, and I just had a baby 6 mos ago.


Quote:
And my blankets at night have to have a certain "weight" to them. I can never feel comfortable under a thin blanket or even a few blankets if they aren't "heavy" enough. Even in the summer time, I still like feeling that weight. It makes it really hard to get a good night's sleep at a hotel where they NEVER have substantial weight to the blankets.
Yes! Maybe it's not so weird to bring my own blankets. I've always avoided it.

Brigianna, I LOVE making myself little nests. But I can't stand the chaotic mess.


TBB: Your user name is weird. Barking birds... Hm. anyway, I can't stand the "cure it with vitamins/diet/flatware" conversations, either. I don't care if it IS fixable. The here-and-now for me is that I need to cope and if ppl would verbalize their needs I wouldn't think it rude. Why should they?

Another thought I had was that I feel very naive about some things and innocent. It's a little scary.

I was told one by an employer that I'm very analytical. I have to fix this situation or problem to the best of my ability and I get obsessive about it. I won't stop until they tell me to, but then it still sits in my head and I can't shut it off until I have it fixed.

Oh, I also have a super-smeller, as my mother used to call it. I can not STAND the soap aisle in the grocery store. It was so NOXIOUS to me! And in pregnancy, I get Hyperemesis Gravidarum which means my nose is on super-high-alert and it makes me extremely nauseous when I get a whiff of something as simple as chicken, for instance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by blsilva View Post
I've done that test, too, and it said I was an Aspie.

Don't know how accurate it is, but since I'd been thinking it too, I'm going to run with it.
Yeah, I definitely feel less like a weirdo, now.

Even dh is treating me a little differently today. And he thought I was being a hypochondriac, initially!
 
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