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I often wonder this, too. Since we've been looking into this with my little boy, so much of what I read that pertains to Aspies seems to be me, too. I find myself thinking, "I do (did) that!"

And Individuation's description hits right on the mark.

When I was in 2nd grade, I had issues in school, and my parents took me to a specialist. Had Asperger's been more well known, I might've had that dx. As it was they kicked around ADHD, but it didn't seem to fit. They left it at a serious red dye allergy and too much sugar.


As a pp mentioned, while I do wonder (curiosity), I'm really not all that interested a dx or anything - my life is generally good. I know my strengths and limits, and I've learned, in the last 32 years, to live happily with them both.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
The more I look and read, the more I wonder if I have asperger's.

Crazy to come to that realization.

No dx yet, maybe never, but it's fascinating.

I'm still working things out in my head, so when I have some more specific questions, I'll be sure to post them. (Thanks, Brig!)
 

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I'm not interested in a formal diagnosis either...but mostly out of fear of someone using it against me to take my kids away or something.

Growing up my mom *says* I was pretty social, but I wasn't. I did follow other kids around and people watch a lot, but I've never had many friends. And mostly guys, girls just seem to completely intimidate me. I was a very obedient child, with an inability to lie really. I also flew under the radar because my younger brother was quiet difficult to handle (I think he also has AS, but I think he externalizes his feelings and I internalize mine). I did very well in school academically, graduating #34 out of 500-I was too lazy though to get straight A's, I always had an A- here and there. I didn't date in high school, I'm thinking that its because people took my quietness as stuck-up-ness (dh told me a couple of years ago that people think I'm stuck-up because I won't initiate conversation and only talk about myself-I don't think to ask questions about the other person). I don't like eye contact either, although its fairly easy with dh. I don't like making it with my parents though...my mom would always scream at me to look her in the eye. I hate talking on the phone...its not so bad with dh because he is awesome, but I hate talking with anyone else. In 2006 dh told me he was afraid I was going to become schitzophrenic (sp?). I was becoming very paranoid, a lot of things were happening that year, dd was born, we just moved out of state, we were realizing that ds was possibly on the spectrum, my relationship with my mom was deteriorating quickly, and I just felt very alone a lot of the time. When I started reading about spectrum stuff though, I ended up narrowing our search for ds's dx to AS. So I bought http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Your...9402425&sr=8-1 and read the questionnaire at the back. It totally fit me...and things started to make sense.

Anyways, I may have more to say, but ds wants me!

Oh yeah, is anyone here trying a gluten-free, casein-free diet? Ds, dd (who is neurotypical as far as we can tell, but has dairy issues), and I are. Its really amazing! The other day I messed up and had soy sauce that has wheat in it, and I just felt so depressed and anxious and alone. It was nuts! I won't be doing that again!
 

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I would like to add that the most common manifestation I have witnessed is curebie moms, sadly enough.

Autism is genetic, asperger's is autism. It doesn't just come from nowhere. I always find it ironic when you meet a mom who is very detailed and *especially interested* (read: Obsessed) in "correcting" stims, choosing the exact perfect therapies, suppliments, completly controlled diet, often germaphobic with the jugs of hand sanitizers everywhere, with very structured, over-planned therapy-centric lifestyles with every-single-hour of every day planned.

I have literally seen detailed descriptions in the exact methodic, technical, analytical detailed lists of the perfect way to "cure" autism. It is actually quite amusing if you can step back for a minute and look at a curebie in an *obsessive interest* perspective.

(I am not saying that all of these things are bad or whatever, but it should be recognized that all-encompassing analytical approaches when taken to this degree are not "neuro-typical")
 

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Originally Posted by ShaggyDaddy View Post
I would like to add that the most common manifestation I have witnessed is curebie moms, sadly enough.

Autism is genetic, asperger's is autism. It doesn't just come from nowhere. I always find it ironic when you meet a mom who is very detailed and *especially interested* (read: Obsessed) in "correcting" stims, choosing the exact perfect therapies, suppliments, completly controlled diet, often germaphobic with the jugs of hand sanitizers everywhere, with very structured, over-planned therapy-centric lifestyles with every-single-hour of every day planned.

I have literally seen detailed descriptions in the exact methodic, technical, analytical detailed lists of the perfect way to "cure" autism. It is actually quite amusing if you can step back for a minute and look at a curebie in an *obsessive interest* perspective.

(I am not saying that all of these things are bad or whatever, but it should be recognized that all-encompassing analytical approaches when taken to this degree are not "neuro-typical")
YES! I have thought about that before. When I get obsessional about a topic (and I do. LOL) especially since looking at Asperger's and reading as much as I can, researching, finding others to talk to, learning learning learning about Autism! Where I am not set on "curing" I know there are others that are, and that same approach is used. Every moment they exist and breathe are "cure autism" much the same way my every moment is "learn more about autism."
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
Oh, wow.

How was it for you in school? Did you feel out of place a lot? Wanting to be friends but nobody wanting to be your friend? Not understanding why? Did you sit toward the back of the room, hoping to be invisible so you could just observe? One day, when school first began in 8th grade, the teacher asked a question but nobody would respond. The teacher saw me mouth the number 4 and he tried to make me comment. I could not do it. I literally could not make my mouth open up and speak.

I also needed order but couldn't make order for myself. I feel like I get overwhelmed very quickly and can't fix it. The lack of order in the house drives me nuts. Today at the zoo there was a lot of chaos and noise in one of the exhibits (an enclosed exhibit, aquarium-like) and dh was asking me a question but I couldn't respond. My brain shut down until I could get out of the exhibit.

I have a lot of sensory issues, too.

Oh, yeah, and I tend to just blurt things out. I've been told I have no brain-mouth filter.
I'm reading this thread with interest, because I'm trying to find out what is up with my 4.5 year old. Asperger's has been one of the dx I have been wondering about in the back of my mind. She is currently undergoing testing to help me find out. So far, she has sensory issues and selective mutism - where she can't speak in certain social settings, like school, for instance (she hasn't spoken to anyone in 7 months of preschool except in a whisper). She gets overwhelmed too and shuts down. At home, where she's comfortable, she talks and talks and talks and talks. But too much activities outside the home create havoc on her and she is more prone to melt down around home.

She does have trouble at times with eye contact, but it depends on how nervous she feels. We can have staring contests at times, so sometimes she's totally fine with eye contact.

It wouldn't surprise me if she is dx with Asperger's as well as sensory processing dysfunction and selective mutism. But so far, the neuropsych never even suggested that in our initial consultation. She just said sensory issues and retained primitive reflexes - both of those cause dd to shut down and become mute when she's overwhelmed, like at school.

The reason for me seeking the answers is to help her regulate herself and get assistance when it comes time to send her to K (when they start having the kids read verbally to check their reading progress). She's spent a lot of her young life already so unhappy and upset. And her self esteem has holes in it already - she's said that nobody wants to play with her and nobody loves her. It's so heartbreaking.

I know people have problems with labels, but when you can finally identify your fellow "flock" you sure don't feel so alone any more. And it puts things in context, so you can understand why things happen the way they do or you choose to do one thing over another. The biggest thing (for me) is to find help for the troubling aspects for my daughter. Do I want my daughter to spend her life easily upset over things and not understand why things affect her so much more than they affect her sisters? No, not if I can do something now to help. Give her the tools she needs to help herself, so that when I'm not there to comfort her, she has the tools she needs to soothe herself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Miss Info, I completely get what your saying from the mother-aspect. (Helping your child to fit by giving her the right tools.)

Also, the things you said about your dd -- WHOA. Eye opener, yet again. that was SO ME.

Someone else said something about girls being intimidating -- YES. I get on fine w/ men but it looks weird to outsiders (my mom drilled that into my head but good, let me tell ya!) so I try to have friendships w/ girls. I get along VERY well w/ one woman in particular, and our husbands and kids also get along quite well. It's remarkable, actually.

Anyway, I find myself unsure of what's appropriate limits of friendship, am I overstaying my welcome, am I calling or texting too often, etc. I am very phobic about the phone. I can't stand it. But I can text message anyone w/o issue. W/ this friend (Yvette) I can also talk on the phone w/ her, but short conversations, and I can make eye contact w/ her! I am not comfortable w/ other ppl.

Also, it should be noted, that Yvette and I have gobs of stuff in common and I feel very, very comfortable with her.

I almost always felt out of place, unsure of myself, learned to (unsuccessfully) lie to protect myself (grew up in a very abusive home), did not have many friends at all. I definitely had outbursts and had one just last night w/ no rhyme or reason to it. I didn't have the words to put to it. I just kept saying the same thing over and over. When I would get in trouble I did not know what to say to defend myself, I couldn't make the words come. Often I would wish ppl could read my mind just so they'd know and I wouldn't sit there without defense. I wasn't a bad kid, but my parents would spank and beat for the stupidest, most random crap.

I was bored out of my mind in school. I knew how to do things by the end of the first semester, getting A's and B's, but then by the 3rd I'd be failing and would pick it up just enough for pass for the 4th. I was just BORED. But nobody would challenge me. My mom even asked, but they wouldn't do it because of my grades. I was stuck in a circle that wouldn't end.

I tend to talk about me because it doesn't register that I need to ask. My sil pointed it out to me one day several years ago, so now I try and make a point to ask other ppl about themselves.
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I tend to talk about me because it doesn't register that I need to ask. My sil pointed it out to me one day several years ago, so now I try and make a point to ask other ppl about themselves.
knowing that other people have this issue makes me feel like less of a bad person. my solution is usually to hang out with other pushy people. i have been so embarrassed before because of this.
 

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Originally Posted by thebarkingbird View Post
knowing that other people have this issue makes me feel like less of a bad person. my solution is usually to hang out with other pushy people. i have been so embarrassed before because of this.
Yeah, it's awkward, isn't it? I felt SO HORRIBLE and kind of hurt because SHE was clearly hurt that I didn't ask much about her life. I just honestly didn't even realize I was doing it.
 

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I think it can look a lot like it does in boys, except that young girls tend to act out less, so they don't show up on the "problem radar" as much as boys do.

My DD is a lot more impaired than my son ever was, but she doesn't have the ADHD type behavior he did as a young child. She will sit still, she is quiet, she will often try to understand what is being asked of her, if she can understand that something is being asked of her in the first place! My son, though, would just tear everything apart while ignoring the person trying to interact with him. But he was much better with eye contact and social contact. My DD is pretty impaired in both those categories but because she's quiet and sits still, to a teacher or evaluator-type person, she "looks better" than he would have.

Myself, as a child, I had severe problems interacting with other children, I did show a lack of empathy as a young child, but developed a better understanding of empathy around age 10-12. From my earliest memory I self-injured (head banging, biting and scratching), had obsessions with both people and topics, severe sensory problems, severe food issues (I never wanted to eat and couldn't stand the look/ taste/ texture of most foods), was fiercely imaginative but only in a solitary way (I could not do cooperative imaginary play with other kids). I was always academically grades ahead of the other kids in my class, and insisted on wearing the same clothes every day.

I was classified as "gifted" but started to have a lot of problems in school due to being viciously bullied around grade 6.

Around age 14 I learned to force myself to make eye contact, but it was the "bore through your head" eye contact, it was still unnatural. I also taught myself to smile around that age.

HTH!
 

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Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
(sigh)

Does it matter? I mean really, does it?

You're you. You seem to have survived to age whatever. Well enough to have a child and health insurance. AS is a broadly descriptive label which doesn't, and cannot change whatever it's labeling. It's a category.
It mattered to me, a lot, and it did change me by giving me a sense of peace, self-acceptance, and understanding. It took an invisible monster I had struggled against all my life, and gave it a face, and made me realize that it isn't even a monster-- it's just a difference, a variation in how I'm wired. It's also helped me understand my father, who is a textbook high functioning aspie. That alone has given me tremendous peace compared to where I was before.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I've stayed away from my specific sensory issues in this thread, but I have MANY that I will probably start listing soon. I'm actually feeling a little bit comfortable w/ this "possible Asperger's dx" for myself.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm a little bit at peace. Like I might have a REAL answer as to why I am me.

I know I'm not bipolar, high anxiety wasn't the only thing, not ad/h/d, none of it fit. This finally feels a little bit... right.

I don't feel so lost.

One of my very favorite songs:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blueo...itsjustme.html

I'm gonna feel a peace in me,
I'm gonna feel at home.
I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.
I don't wanna hurt no more.

Yeah it's just me.
It's just me
And I'll find a way to make it.
There's no one left to stop me.
Here I go, can we take it from the top?

So why so long?
So sad, I wanna be strong.
Don't try to take her from me.
I've already spent my life living half undone.
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I've stayed away from my specific sensory issues in this thread, but I have MANY that I will probably start listing soon. I'm actually feeling a little bit comfortable w/ this "possible Asperger's dx" for myself.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm a little bit at peace. Like I might have a REAL answer as to why I am me.

I know I'm not bipolar, high anxiety wasn't the only thing, not ad/h/d, none of it fit. This finally feels a little bit... right.

I don't feel so lost.

One of my very favorite songs:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blueo...itsjustme.html

I'm gonna feel a peace in me,
I'm gonna feel at home.
I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone.
I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor.
I don't wanna hurt no more.

Yeah it's just me.
It's just me
And I'll find a way to make it.
There's no one left to stop me.
Here I go, can we take it from the top?

So why so long?
So sad, I wanna be strong.
Don't try to take her from me.
I've already spent my life living half undone.



I also just read the quote in your siggie and it made me tear up. Before I sought out help for my dd, I'd been running myself sick trying to read up every book I could and guessing all the time about why things are so hard for her to deal with.

But seeking out support for her is helping me too. I feel that no longer am I guessing at things any more. I have someone pointing out to me that the things she is doing (melting down, shutting down) have identifiable reasons behind it. Like - there is a logic behind the actions that seem illogical. "Oh, THAT'S why this is happening, now it all makes sense in that context". And as G.I. Joe once said "knowing is half the battle".

And working with her this early means her coping strategies haven't become irrevocably embedded in her, and she can learn other strategies. At least, that is the goal I have for her.

Getting back to the comments of the child "appearing" to be cooperative to outsiders, yet still struggling inside. That's my daughter too. Half of my family can't believe there is any issue whatsoever, because to them, she appears just fine and like any other kid. But I know better. She can look one way in public, and come home and fall apart where it's safe to do so.

I think this is the source of her comments to me that she "never ever wants to leave me". She feels so safe with me to express her true feelings. I'm glad she can do that, but it doesn't come without a price to me. Though it is hard on me because I absorb all her negative energy.

"I can understand getting along better with men than with women. I always did too. Not that I think I have asperger's, though. While most of the girls/women *I've encountered * have focus on external appearances and materialistic things, I have always had a very different focus (and that was more intellectual pursuits). I had a lot more to talk about with men than I ever did with women".

I still have a tendency to be a little self-absorbed, though. Especially if it's something I'm really interested in. I have a tendency to tune out my poor dh.

At any rate, I better stop while I'm ahead.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Information View Post


I also just read the quote in your siggie and it made me tear up. Before I sought out help for my dd, I'd been running myself sick trying to read up every book I could and guessing all the time about why things are so hard for her to deal with.
Understandable. She said that a few weeks ago on a day that I really needed to hear it.

Quote:
And as G.I. Joe once said "knowing is half the battle".
I randomly say this just because. I think it's funny, but I can tell other ppl think it's weird.


And you're right -- knowing IS half the battle. And now it doesn't seem so hard to continue getting somewhere.

Quote:
Half of my family can't believe there is any issue whatsoever, because to them, she appears just fine and like any other kid. But I know better. She can look one way in public, and come home and fall apart where it's safe to do so.
I see this constantly with Max.

Quote:
I think this is the source of her comments to me that she "never ever wants to leave me". She feels so safe with me to express her true feelings. I'm glad she can do that, but it doesn't come without a price to me. Though it is hard on me because I absorb all her negative energy.
Mine say it, too, and I remember saying it to my mother. Eventually I realized that I wasn't safe to release and be me, so I quit saying it. I tell my kids now that they can live with us as long as they want to.

But yeah, the negativity can be very wearing.

Yeah, I've always felt more at ease with the conversations of men than with the conversations of women. I can pretend less w/ men. With women it's expected to have the same ideas and activities in common.

Quote:
I still have a tendency to be a little self-absorbed, though. Especially if it's something I'm really interested in. I have a tendency to tune out my poor dh.
Definitely. And in my case, I also think I married a guy w/ asperger's. And his brother has it even MORE noticeably than dh or I. It's kind of funny.

Aaaack!! Ruuun! The autistics bred!!!


I also know that I'm very blunt and more than once dh tells me that I need to say something differently, or instead of making plans I needed to see if he had anything on the schedule already, etc. I've had ppl be completely incredulous that I said such-and-such and I'm truly confused as to why it's such an issue. Just be honest. Say it. Why not?

you know what I mean?

I also stim. Rocking is a big one for me. I love to rock and I always have. I don't like my current rocking chair, though.
And I flap when I'm very excited.And deep pressure. I need dh to lay on me and squish me. Intimacy is very boring to him
but GLORIOUSLY WONDERFULLY comfortable for me.


I typed a lot of my sensory issues in the Adult Sensory Thread that's floating around here somewhere. I'll have to look for it.
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post

Definitely. And in my case, I also think I married a guy w/ asperger's. And his brother has it even MORE noticeably than dh or I. It's kind of funny.

Aaaack!! Ruuun! The autistics bred!!!


I also know that I'm very blunt and more than once dh tells me that I need to say something differently, or instead of making plans I needed to see if he had anything on the schedule already, etc. I've had ppl be completely incredulous that I said such-and-such and I'm truly confused as to why it's such an issue. Just be honest. Say it. Why not?

you know what I mean?

I also stim. Rocking is a big one for me. I love to rock and I always have. I don't like my current rocking chair, though.
And I flap when I'm very excited.And deep pressure. I need dh to lay on me and squish me. Intimacy is very boring to him
but GLORIOUSLY WONDERFULLY comfortable for me.


I typed a lot of my sensory issues in the Adult Sensory Thread that's floating around here somewhere. I'll have to look for it.
Hmm, I think I'd like you a lot if I met you. I am going to check out the adult sensory thread to get an idea of what dd may be going through. She's not at an age where she can really understand or express what she's going through at all.

I think she likes deep pressure too. She likes when she catches dh and I in a hug and she runs between us and we squeeze her in between us. Also, I've taken to pretending I'm putting her in a box - I'll fold her knees up to her chest and put my arms around her tightly. I don't know if she likes the pressure, or if it just feels secure to her, I don't know.

I can sort of understand liking the being squished thing. I like it when dh lays on me, or I did anyway, until he got to be a little too heavy and now he makes me have trouble breathing (time for both of us to lose a little weight
). And my blankets at night have to have a certain "weight" to them. I can never feel comfortable under a thin blanket or even a few blankets if they aren't "heavy" enough. Even in the summer time, I still like feeling that weight. It makes it really hard to get a good night's sleep at a hotel where they NEVER have substantial weight to the blankets.
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
Understandable. She said that a few weeks ago on a day that I really needed to hear it.

I randomly say this just because. I think it's funny, but I can tell other ppl think it's weird.


And you're right -- knowing IS half the battle. And now it doesn't seem so hard to continue getting somewhere.

I see this constantly with Max.

Mine say it, too, and I remember saying it to my mother. Eventually I realized that I wasn't safe to release and be me, so I quit saying it. I tell my kids now that they can live with us as long as they want to.

But yeah, the negativity can be very wearing.

Yeah, I've always felt more at ease with the conversations of men than with the conversations of women. I can pretend less w/ men. With women it's expected to have the same ideas and activities in common.

Definitely. And in my case, I also think I married a guy w/ asperger's. And his brother has it even MORE noticeably than dh or I. It's kind of funny.

Aaaack!! Ruuun! The autistics bred!!!


I also know that I'm very blunt and more than once dh tells me that I need to say something differently, or instead of making plans I needed to see if he had anything on the schedule already, etc. I've had ppl be completely incredulous that I said such-and-such and I'm truly confused as to why it's such an issue. Just be honest. Say it. Why not?

you know what I mean?

I also stim. Rocking is a big one for me. I love to rock and I always have. I don't like my current rocking chair, though.
And I flap when I'm very excited.And deep pressure. I need dh to lay on me and squish me. Intimacy is very boring to him
but GLORIOUSLY WONDERFULLY comfortable for me.


I typed a lot of my sensory issues in the Adult Sensory Thread that's floating around here somewhere. I'll have to look for it.
This all describes me very well! Particularly the desire for compression. I have stacks of heavy pillows and blankets that I like to wrap up in.
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
Yeah, it's awkward, isn't it? I felt SO HORRIBLE and kind of hurt because SHE was clearly hurt that I didn't ask much about her life. I just honestly didn't even realize I was doing it.
it's very hard to explain to people that i AM interested and I DO care but that sometimes i must be reminded to ask.

another woman gave a presentation on autism in my public speaking class on the same day i did. she kept talking about how "they have really bad social skills and stuff" mine was on how to communicate with autistic people (hers was a roadmap to a cure and talking about how kids "don't look you in the eye when they even feel like listening"). my advice to the class was to simply speak up and to ask people about lack of eye contact or remind themt here's something you want to talk about. this was a revolutionary idea to some of them. they percieved it as being rude. i think it's a little uncomfortable to be reminded but SO much better than walking away and realize later that i mgiht have hurt someone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
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Originally Posted by Miss Information View Post
Hmm, I think I'd like you a lot if I met you.
That's a comfort -- I'm not going to be regarded as the weird one.
If you're ever in San Antonio, pm me.

Quote:
I am going to check out the adult sensory thread to get an idea of what dd may be going through. She's not at an age where she can really understand or express what she's going through at all.
I bumped it up. A lot of it w/ Max was a matter of just figuring out what worked for him. He's 8 now, and it definitely has gotten easier w/ age because he can verbalize more than when he was a toddler.

Quote:
I can sort of understand liking the being squished thing. I like it when dh lays on me, or I did anyway, until he got to be a little too heavy and now he makes me have trouble breathing (time for both of us to lose a little weight
).
: You're not alone. I just came back from goodwill w/ pants 3 sizes bigger than I am comfortable with. *sigh* Oh well. Dress well, wear clothes that fit, and I just had a baby 6 mos ago.


Quote:
And my blankets at night have to have a certain "weight" to them. I can never feel comfortable under a thin blanket or even a few blankets if they aren't "heavy" enough. Even in the summer time, I still like feeling that weight. It makes it really hard to get a good night's sleep at a hotel where they NEVER have substantial weight to the blankets.
Yes! Maybe it's not so weird to bring my own blankets. I've always avoided it.

Brigianna, I LOVE making myself little nests. But I can't stand the chaotic mess.


TBB: Your user name is weird. Barking birds... Hm. anyway, I can't stand the "cure it with vitamins/diet/flatware" conversations, either. I don't care if it IS fixable. The here-and-now for me is that I need to cope and if ppl would verbalize their needs I wouldn't think it rude. Why should they?

Another thought I had was that I feel very naive about some things and innocent. It's a little scary.

I was told one by an employer that I'm very analytical. I have to fix this situation or problem to the best of my ability and I get obsessive about it. I won't stop until they tell me to, but then it still sits in my head and I can't shut it off until I have it fixed.

Oh, I also have a super-smeller, as my mother used to call it. I can not STAND the soap aisle in the grocery store. It was so NOXIOUS to me! And in pregnancy, I get Hyperemesis Gravidarum which means my nose is on super-high-alert and it makes me extremely nauseous when I get a whiff of something as simple as chicken, for instance.
 

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Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
I took this Aspie test: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php and scored a 173 of 200 and it said "Very Likely to have Asperger's."

Found that interesting.
I've done that test, too, and it said I was an Aspie.

Don't know how accurate it is, but since I'd been thinking it too, I'm going to run with it.
 
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