What I have become...

1033 Views 9 Replies 10 Participants Last post by DiannaK, Apr 30, 2009

Megan_R

Discussion Starter · Apr 16, 2009

I need to get this off my chest.

Okay, first of all I know that we are all parents here and we are not here to judge each other. But, this is still really hard for me please try to understand that this is not who I am or who I want to be...

Tonight my DH told me that "sometimes he thinks he may have made a mistake" meaning marrying me. I'm just always angry. All he hears is me screaming at our three year old. And, I mean scream. I hear parents say that they yell, but I think they have nothing on me.

I feel like I Can't control my anger. I get angry, very angry over almost anything. It's not fair to my DD. Sometimes I get so angry that I just want to hit her. And, I know how wrong that is and i can't believe what i have become. I feel like a complete failure. I am a sahm and suppose to be raising healthy children and set a good example, and I'm failing.

I don't want this life, filled with anger and stress and anxiety. Not for me and not for my family. I feel like my DH doesn't understand. He has always been a positive, happy person. This is all strange, ridiculous behavior to him. I feel absolutely no support from him, he just wants me to take care of it. The one person I should be able to go to, and talk to and get help from. I feel like he judges me more than anyone.

My DH doesn't realize all the things going through my head. I have my DD constantly needing me and my DS nursing or diaper changes, crying, or play with him. You can barely walk in our room, the kitchen is a mess, the living room, vacuum, sweep, mop, bathe the kids, breakfast, lunch, dinner, clothes, diapers, toys, organize, simplify, make DH happy, make DD happy make DS happy... Oh, and by the way... Where am I in all of this?

So instead of being able to stop and figure things out and take care of them, I can't, so I am stuck with all of these thing floating around in my head. That can make for a pretty stress out, on the edge about to snap person.

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tinyblackdot

· #2 · Apr 16, 2009

Mama can you see a therapist? You need someone to talk to asap! And you need to talk to your Dr about maybe getting some medication that can help you start feeling better so that you can start healing.

:

I have battled with depression my whole life, and when thngs start to get overwhelming and your action are effecting others more than you, its time to get some help.

It will get better,admitting that there is an issue is just the begin, and soon the weight will be lifted off your shoulders and everything will come into focus more clearly.

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oceanbaby

· #3 · Apr 16, 2009

In addition to seeking other kinds of help, please get your thyroid checked. I went through a very similar thing, and it turns out I had severe hypothyroidism. Until that point, I had a completely clean medical history. I begrudgingly started thyroid medication, and it made a world of difference. I unfortunately didn't get it diagnosed until my 2nd was 6 months old, and I carry tremendous guilt that my first suffered through my crazy mood swings, out of control angry temper and foggy thinking.

If you can, try to find a doctor who will do a full panel, not just the basic thyroid test.

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flapjack

· #4 · Apr 16, 2009

This is the start of the way back up. You've just identified that 1) YOU aren't getting cared for in the hell that is parenting small children, and 2) YOU aren't living the life you dreamt of. Now you can do something about it.

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ankh

· #5 · Apr 16, 2009

Please know that many of us have been there. It's such a hard time in your life. Try and talk about this with dh and hopefully an Therapist. You need to talk to someone that isn't in this with you. It's OK to get help.

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LynnS6

· #6 · Apr 17, 2009

Please, please go to your doctor/midwife about this. Anger is a REALLY REALLY common expression of PPD. It sounds too like a good counselor could help you feel your way through things. You DO need time for you too, in addition to caring for the whole family.

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happy_momma

· #7 · Apr 20, 2009

Ummmmmmm..did I write this? You sound JUST like me! My husband too comes from the land of happy and does not understand depression. I have spent/wasted too many hours trying to explain it to him. He will never get it. Our marriage suffers bc of my anger which is caused from me not getting me time. Not sure if you follow a religion but if you are like me (Christian) watch fireproof, and get the Love Dare book(google it) I am only on day two and it is already amazing, soo soo challenging, but amazing. Also talk to someone!! I went to counseling after my first and it felt good to just have someone hear my story.
Best of luck! You can write me personally if you want. Youcan just vent and vent and vent..and it will make you feel better! Been there done that, your not alone..and deep down-your a very good person Im sure. Everyone deserves to be taken care of sometimes and not always be the one doing the taking-care of!

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Stackmama

· #8 · Apr 20, 2009

Please know that your symptoms are very common in postpartum depression. I'm not an expert by any means but I know by chance that they are. I battled PPD with both of my daughters and postpartum psychosis with my second. Fits of rage are so common, even today, to an overwhelmed parent with PPD. I would definitely call as soon as you can and talk to a physician, therapist, psychiatrist, anyone who may be able to help you. There is a website that saved my life (literally) by putting me in contact with a Women's Mental Health Center in my area and I was on medication that DAY.

Please go here:

http://postpartum.net/local-support/

and contact your local support person by email or phone and let them know how you feel. Believe me, they understand and will help you in ways unimaginable. Without them,I, nor my babies, would exist right now.

Hugs and prayers your way.

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ChristSavesAll

· #9 · Apr 29, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

Ocean baby is right, however most times the tests come back negative though you are still suffering from a thyroid condition. Iodine is what you are lacking, please read my story here
You can change the way you are now, its not WHO you are, its a symptom of an illness. An easy cure is giving your body what it needs which is essential vitamins and minerals the most important yet overlooked being iodine.

BTW I previously had issues with controlling my anger as well, I just thought it was mood swings... boy was I wrong... but I havent had a problem with it since I began supplementing, I feel like a whole new person!!!

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DiannaK

· #10 · Apr 30, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Please, please go to your doctor/midwife about this. Anger is a REALLY REALLY common expression of PPD. It sounds too like a good counselor could help you feel your way through things. You DO need time for you too, in addition to caring for the whole family.

Yup ... just told my therapist today that I think my depression manifests itself more so in anxiety/anger issues.

A lot of us have been in your shoes .... please see someone to help.

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