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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For those who don't understand consensual living, but would like to understand (even if you don't necessarily want to practice it) what would you say your top 10 questions are?

I'm going to see if we can get a "panel" of CL mama's together so you they can answer - hopefully this will give more insight on how CL is different in every family, what CL is, and what CL isn't.

If you'd like to be one of the CL mama's who give answers for the top 10 questions please PM me
 

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I am sure there are a whole bunch of questions! Thanks for starting this thread


Just off the top of my head: How to make it work when DH is not convinced?
 

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I'm curious how it works when the child goes out into the world and realizes that its not consensual? What happens when the child encounters rules that must be followed without negotiation or authoritarian bosses?

Also, how does it work with strong-willed, reckless children who want to prove to you that yes, they can run in the street?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
For those who don't understand consensual living, but would like to understand (even if you don't necessarily want to practice it) what would you say your top 10 questions are?

I'm going to see if we can get a "panel" of CL mama's together so you they can answer - hopefully this will give more insight on how CL is different in every family, what CL is, and what CL isn't.

If you'd like to be one of the CL mama's who give answers for the top 10 questions please PM me

1. Is CL something you begin at birth, or something you ease into as you notice your child having their own desires and being ready to understand the concept of agreement/comprimise/cause&effect? If yes, how does it change from the baby times of CL to toddler, to preschooler, etc.

2. How do you handle 'destructive' behavior? To self, others, physical items.

3. Can you ever 'mix' CL with a more 'benevolent dictator' style of parenting? Can you ever just overrule them, perhaps in a case where they are too young to understand some of the situation?

4. What if they simply refuse to be consensual, and are not ready to come to any resolution?

5. What if you NEED to do certain things- like go to work, but they will not accept that?

6. What can you do in public to not be the 'overparenting' parent when it's expected by those around you?
 

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How does it work with more than one child? Say, for example, the older child has a lesson/class to go to, and wants to go, but the younger child does not want to go (and there is not another adult to stay at home with him/her). This is just an example that I thought of (not even one that we have actually encountered). It seems to me that CL would be trickier when there's more than one child to negotiate with, but I don't really know much about CL to begin with!
 

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Are there varying degrees of CL? For example, can you do CL for education and leisure activities but not food choices? Like if you are ethical vegitarians can you do CL for everything except allowing meat for meals?
 

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Most of questions asked here already are of interest to me, too! Especially the ones about conflict between children/more than one child, partner not being into cl, also
What to do when environment (could be partner, but here definitely meaning others) is treating your child very different than the cl way you are aiming for/going against you ideals/values?

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Originally Posted by rhiandmoi View Post
Are there varying degrees of CL? For example, can you do CL for education and leisure activities but not food choices? Like if you are ethical vegitarians can you do CL for everything except allowing meat for meals?
As for this particular one, I'd like to add my thought. All of us parents have a certain way we (wish to) parent. There are decisions on parenting, lifestyle made before or after a child was born (eg on diet, spirituality, languages to be spoken, where to live, etc.). I do think it is ok within the frame as CL as I understand/experience it that you raise your children as vegetarians, or with any sort of restricted/limited diet. But from a cl perspective, I do believe that a parent should also respect a child's wish (if occuring) to try foods which do not nescesarily fit in the parent's eating style or philosophy. Not forcing to do so either :). But if a child learns about this other food which is not being eaten/prepared at home I would think it could be consensual to have the child experience it once in a while, outside the home maybe?

Just as a child/person should be free to decide for him/herself how to experience spirituality, or none at all, at some point in life (totally depending on the individual when that is). So not nescessarily the same as modeled at home or in their environment.

Now, I thougt of another question (most likely not within the first 10, more like an example :):

What about multi-lingualism? What if a child at some point is objecting, unwilling or down right refusing to listen to or speak one of the languages used in their home/environment?
Hereby understanding that parents can most ideally/at best share their thoughts, emotions, knowledge, culture, language etc. in their (first) mother tongue with their children. Is it consensual 'enough' for the parent to speak the own language to the child while the child speaks another laguage to the parent (one that the parent also understands)?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by spottiew View Post
1. Is CL something you begin at birth, or something you ease into as you notice your child having their own desires and being ready to understand the concept of agreement/comprimise/cause&effect? If yes, how does it change from the baby times of CL to toddler, to preschooler, etc.

2. How do you handle 'destructive' behavior? To self, others, physical items.

3. Can you ever 'mix' CL with a more 'benevolent dictator' style of parenting? Can you ever just overrule them, perhaps in a case where they are too young to understand some of the situation?

4. What if they simply refuse to be consensual, and are not ready to come to any resolution?

5. What if you NEED to do certain things- like go to work, but they will not accept that?

6. What can you do in public to not be the 'overparenting' parent when it's expected by those around you?
7. What can you expect as a challenge and what can you do about it if you start CL at an older age?

8. What if your child seems to actually like rules? Maybe freedom is actualy not their style?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hopefully we can come up with some good FAQ for you Pat.

I am planning to "generalize" the questions a little bit, and keep it to one scenario/example per "general question" Then have perhaps 3-5 consensual families answer how they feel or what they would do so we can see how it differs from family to family.

Perhaps as a "bonus question" I will say "Tell us about a situation that you found it hard to apply consensual living, and what the end result to that situation ended up being" or something like that... (if anyone has better wording please feel free to reword for me!)
 

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THought of another one:

Do CL families usually homeschool? If not, how do you reconcile a CL lifestyle at home with a more regimented/scheduled lifestyle at school? (or other classes, sports, group activities, etc)
 

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Are you settng up a deadline? lol
 

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In addition to the schooling issue and cl.
(My kids won't be homeschooling and will learn that there are more disciplined styles too, I personally do not see that as a big issue when it is clear where cl is practised and where environment does not.)

How do you see practising CL in your home around people who have not a clue what CL is and would not even understand or accept any such thing to exist, to be respected, to be applied by anyone but YOU especially. (eg family staying over with a very different kind of interaction and/or parenting style, especially in their interactions with your children.) (I find this much mıore tricky since here conflicting styles mix in your own home, what you may see as your 'cl haven' apart from the outside world.)

What about personal relations and extreme cultural differences and CL (maybe also in the light of above question)?
 

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Another thread got me thinking.

What about net-surfing and children (thinking of the 'wrong' sites they could get access to, willingly or unwillingly, etc.)? Not an issue in our household yet, but very curious.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
here's what I've compiled so far:

* Do most CL families homeschool?

*How can you practice consensual living when other people in your life are not?
Examples on practicing consensual living when husband does not? Examples on practicing consensual living when it is not practiced in school?

*I'm curious how it works when the child goes out into the world and realizes that its not consensual? What happens when the child encounters rules that must be followed without negotiation or authoritarian bosses?

*How can one practice consensual living with their child from birth.
Examples on practicing consensual living with a newborn? baby? toddler?

*How do you handle 'destructive' behavior? To self, others, physical items.

*Can you ever 'mix' CL with a more 'benevolent dictator' style of parenting? Can you ever just overrule them, perhaps in a case where they are too young to understand some of the situation?

*What if they simply refuse to be consensual, and are not ready to come to any resolution?

*What if you NEED to do certain things- like go to work, but they will not accept that?

*What can you do in public to not be the 'overparenting' parent when it's expected by those around you?

*What about when 2 children have conflicting needs or desires?

* Can you practice CL in some areas of life, but not others? Such as education and leisure, but not food choices (ethical vegetatian examples)

*What if child refuses to speak the same language as the rest of the family?

*Can you start CL later in your child's life? What challenges might you encounter with your children if you did?

*What if your child seems to actually like rules? Maybe freedom is actualy not their style?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
enalala - can you try to generalize a bit more? Im not aiming for another what if thread... more so just the general philosophy.

such as this question:
What about net-surfing and children (thinking of the 'wrong' sites they could get access to, willingly or unwillingly, etc.)? Not an issue in our household yet, but very curious.

Perhaps a question on general privacy, emotional safety, or something else would be able to emcompass the answer to this question AND similar concerns, and we could use this as an example.
 

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I strive to have a CL family and it works very well with my 4 y/o ds. However, I believe that sometimes parents know best and we (very rarely) overrule ds's decisions.

First of all I would just like to mention that I've read the Continuum Concept and I really liked all the principles presented in the book (breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, babywearing) and I agree they can be conducive of a solid parent-child bond. Yet, I found the book (as most "scientific" books published in the 70s) missing peer-review support and basic information, it was based on an outsider's *glimpse* of an archaic society. The author didn't even speak the language, so even if she *thought* people were being gentle with children, I don't think she really knew what was happening. I say that because I was also raised in a very remote village in the mountains in my early childhood and although people didn't rely on physical discipline, they were heavily using shaming to keep kids in line.

Finally, here's my question: I couldn't be entirely CL because I cannot let my child do something that I know it's wrong and he'll regret later. Even if it's a life lesson and he'll probably learn from natural consequences, I don't plan to let him experience life-altering situations without at least encouraging him to make the right decision. What would a CL parent do in such a situation?
 
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