[That Is Nice]

What is balance to you? I really want to know. I see many, many posts that talk about achieving balance as a parent.

I have alternately been a stay at home mom, a working mother, and a working married with no kids woman.

I can honestly say I have never felt like balance was achieved, as much as I tried.

As a working mom, I have felt like I am short changing my child, rushed, like I do not have the time or energy to devote what I want to or should to my job, rushed, like I am missing out on things I want to do with my child, rushed, and like I don't have time to maintain my life and keep things going.

As a stay-at-home mom, I felt like DH did not support having a SAHP in our household, like I had no support or help from anyone, there was no one to help if and when I needed a break, that I was screwing up my future and retirement, that my career and resume would become obsolete, and that I was putting myself and my family in a state of financial instability.

As a working married woman with no kids, I felt like all I did was work, work, work and there was no time for anything else. I felt good about my finances and my retirement. I felt good about my career, but there was just never any down time. It was very imbalanced.

So, having done all three of these, I really wonder about that term balance.

Also, I haven't found that most employers are flexible enough to really balance family and career.

I have a pretty "flexible" work situation (as flexible as it gets in this fairly inflexible job world) and I still struggle...there are just not enough hours during the day and work takes up time when I need to devote time and energy to my child and myself, and, on the flip side, family takes up time that I need to devote to work.

I feel pulled in all directions, as another poster said recently in this forum.

I would love a job where I could work 5 or 10 hours outside of the home weekly, but, really there aren't many jobs like that, and if they are, they usually don't offer any benefits or retirement, and wouldn't pay enough to pay for child care.

Thoughts about balance?

 

[ZanZansMommy]

For the majority of people I think finding balance is a farce. Of course, we all have different ideas of what balance is. For myself balance means slowing down the rat race of life. For DH it would be making more $$ so we could live with more of life's conveniences.

The only time I have ever felt what I consider to be true balance was when I had help form family; someone to watch the kids, someone to drop by & help out with something; just knowing they were there to help out. We don't have family nearby so this is something that only happens once in a blue moon

For me this would make all the difference in the world.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy For the majority of people I think finding balance is a farce. Of course, we all have different ideas of what balance is. For myself balance means slowing down the rat race of life. For DH it would be making more $$ so we could live with more of life's conveniences. The only time I have ever felt what I consider to be true balance was when I had help form family; someone to watch the kids, someone to drop by & help out with something; just knowing they were there to help out. We don't have family nearby so this is something that only happens once in a blue moon For me this would make all the difference in the world.

I totally agree.

I think it's a farce, as well.

And, I also agree that the very few short snippets of life where I have felt like there might be some balance is when my mother-in-law has come to help babysit for a small while. I have felt, oh, so this is what it is like to have family help? Wow. This is nice. I can't believe how good it is to have someone else chip in and watch the baby for a few hours so that I can get something done!

The trouble is that my MIL has done this only a few times and they are far and long between.

I should count my blessing that she has come at all, I guess. It's really just a few days per year for a couple of hours, but it does help.

My MIL is trustworthy and caring towards my child. My parents, unfortunately, have long substance abuse issues and lack the basic ability to take care of themselves and make good decisions for themselves. They had their own children (myself included) taken away and they were investigated by child services all the time so I just don't think it's a good idea that they ever babysit.

I really struggle with balance because I feel like I have no one to help.

 

[confustication]

I think I'm finally beginning to find it. I write for a local newspaper, and I freelance on the side. This provides me with enough income to get by, and a lot of my writing is done from home, so I can still see my family. It also helps that I have a prtner who is the SAHP- since the daily 'stuff' is pretty much done while I am working, so when I have downtie, I can atually enjoy my family instead of having to try to play catchup with laundry, cleaning etc.

I don't know that our balance would be ok for anyone else. We took a huge hit financially to do this, but it's been very worthwhile in our day to day life, and we're getting by financially. I think you have to decide what the real priority is for you- is it the retirement, the kids, or the career? Unless you get incredibly lucky, you're never going to balance all three easily.

 

[ALittleBitCrunchy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice What is balance to you? I really want to know. I see many, many posts that talk about achieving balance as a parent.

I feel that my life is balanced. We have enough of everything and we're happy, so that's balance to me.

We are comfortable with the amount of money we make, the amount/quality of time we spend together, the amount/quality of time we each spend with the kids. We have the insurance we need, a house we can afford, and food on the table. We have enough clothes and the kids are happy with their toys. The dog would like to have more stuff to chew on, but that's the only unhappiness in our home.

Our schooling options work for us, our daycare has been great, our jobs are secure (at least for today

) and we have our health. We have family and friends to share our lives with.

The things that we value are present in our lives. The things that we don't value as highly are happily ignored. For example, not having a spotless house is completely fine with me. So for me, balance is about being happy and having enough of the things I value. I am and I do, so I'm balanced.

 

[CatsCradle]

Quote:

I don't know that our balance would be ok for anyone else. We took a huge hit financially to do this, but it's been very worthwhile in our day to day life, and we're getting by financially. I think you have to decide what the real priority is for you- is it the retirement, the kids, or the career? Unless you get incredibly lucky, you're never going to balance all three easily.

I agree that it isn't easy. One thing that helps us is that "career" and "kids" are not separate concepts. I work and DH works to support our family and kids and work are not viewed as separate pursuits. One depends on the other. I don't like the term "career" because it comes with the assumption that to do one thing means sacrificing another. Not true with us. We're a family and everything we do contributes to the family well-being.

Guess I didn't answer the OP but balance is best achieved by determining how to achieve happiness and security within one's own family. I don't think the term "priority" is appropriate because when achieving balance it cancels out the concept the priority. Have we achieved "balance." I think it is always a struggle. One is pulled in different directions but ultimately you have to decide where you're going to spend your time and how you're going to do it.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by confustication I think I'm finally beginning to find it. I write for a local newspaper, and I freelance on the side. This provides me with enough income to get by, and a lot of my writing is done from home, so I can still see my family. It also helps that I have a prtner who is the SAHP- since the daily 'stuff' is pretty much done while I am working, so when I have downtie, I can atually enjoy my family instead of having to try to play catchup with laundry, cleaning etc. I don't know that our balance would be ok for anyone else. We took a huge hit financially to do this, but it's been very worthwhile in our day to day life, and we're getting by financially. I think you have to decide what the real priority is for you- is it the retirement, the kids, or the career? Unless you get incredibly lucky, you're never going to balance all three easily.

Thanks.

I have a few thoughts...well lots of thoughts really.

I am always playing catch up with cleaning, etc when I am not at work. Otherwise, there is simply no time.

My husband is definitely NOT a SAHP-type. He's always at work. He works late frequently. It's routine. And he takes very, very little time off, even when I'm sick. Even when I had a c-section.

As for what is important - career, retirement, family - they're all important. Not equally, of course.

But, I have two parents who never really worked (for reasons outside of being SAHPs). They have no retirement. Nothing. Nada. Zip. They live very poorly and hand-to-mouth. It's a misery.

I see their real life example. I don't want a miserable life when I am too old to work and I do not want to burden my children with my financial needs if I have no retirement.

DH is not the family provider type. He has a job and does well and earns a decent income, but he's not going to rally for our family to have a good life and achieve balance. Neither is he ever going to cut back and help more with the family to achieve balance.

His contribution, either financially or with his time, is not the answer.

We've always been quite sensible with money, and do not live extravagantly. There's not a whole lot do cut or do without other than perhaps cable which DH vehemently (yes, vehemently) opposes cutting. He would rather I pick up more hours than cut cable and he has said that.

My child is the single most important thing, more important than career or retirement, but career, finances, etc keep us afloat so they can't be reprioritized too drastically.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CatsCradle I don't think the term "priority" is appropriate because when achieving balance it cancels out the concept the priority. Have we achieved "balance." I think it is always a struggle. One is pulled in different directions but ultimately you have to decide where you're going to spend your time and how you're going to do it.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I agree.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ALittleBitCrunchy I feel that my life is balanced. We have enough of everything and we're happy, so that's balance to me. We are comfortable with the amount of money we make, the amount/quality of time we spend together, the amount/quality of time we each spend with the kids. We have the insurance we need, a house we can afford, and food on the table. We have enough clothes and the kids are happy with their toys. The dog would like to have more stuff to chew on, but that's the only unhappiness in our home. Our schooling options work for us, our daycare has been great, our jobs are secure (at least for today ) and we have our health. We have family and friends to share our lives with. The things that we value are present in our lives. The things that we don't value as highly are happily ignored. For example, not having a spotless house is completely fine with me. So for me, balance is about being happy and having enough of the things I value. I am and I do, so I'm balanced.

Hmmm...well that makes me think. I think the root of my sense of imbalance in life is due to inherent unhappiness and disappointment in things like you mentioned: the amount/quality of time we sepnd with each other and the kids, the family and friends we have in our lives, etc.

I simply do not like and do not agree with the amount of time and quality of time that DH spends with us as a family. There I said it. I don't. I don't like how he works so much, and so long (although it's often a relief to have him gone so long truth be told) and I don't like how he acts or things he says when he is at home. I just don't.

I'm not happy with the family we have in our life, but there isn't much I can do about that. My parents, just to give you an example, have decades' long issues with substance abuse and have major troubles in their own lives and trouble making good decisions. They, sadly, weren't good parents (investigated often by child services) and simply aren't going to be present grandparents.

DH's family is small, and scattered. His parents do care, and are trustworthy, but they do not visit very often and that doesn't seem to bother anyone except me. It certainly doesn't bother DH and it doesn't seem to bother them. DH doesn't have a bad relationship with his family, but it's not very close. Months and months can go by where they don't even talk to each other.

So, I've found that raising children is kind of isolating and a lonely existence. It really makes you realize the larger network or village that you lack because it puts attention on family, I think.

I never felt this sadness and isolation when I didn't have kids and I worked full time. I guess because back then I didn't think family traditions, or holidays, or family support was that important so it didn't bother me that I didn't have any.

I have great friends. And we have fun together as friends. But when holidays roll around they spend the holidays with their family. When they have a baby, their mom or dad comes to visit and help out. The grandparents are the ones who babysit and spend time with the kids. It's a layer of relationship we do not have in our household and I think that causes some of the imbalance.

It causes imbalance because all the parenting responsibility and time is heaped on my shoulders and DH's shoulders and since DH works late without a second thought, it's heaped even more on my shoulders and I have to try to balance that with my job.

 

[AndrewsMother]

My ideal work life balance would be DH working and making enough to support the household, all of our needs and some of pur wants and providing hired help without assitance from me.

Until that day happens I don't even give work life balance much thougt or I would cry. I am in school year round, I recently took a job, DH works 5 days a week, we have one day a week together as a family for worship and leisure and DS is in childcare.

I am very protective of our one day a week together and anything that we do must be done as a family during the day time hours. DS spends the morning with DS and I am with him in the evenings.

DH makes less than half of what he did at his previous job, but i don't enjoy seeing him more than I enjoyed seeing the bank statement at the end of the month. He knows how I feel, so i don't mind typing my thoughts.

Yes seeing him during the day is okay, but when he worked his other job we had more money to do more on our one day together. Before he was up while I slept so we had little contact except via phone and in passing. He would use his vaction days and we could take short trips.

However he was happy with less money and more time in the beginning. Now he is finally understanding what I tried to tell him all along. What good does it make to have more time if you are worried about money on your off days.

The perfect balance changes from person to person and situation to situation.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother What good does it make to have more time if you are worried about money on your off days.

This is how I felt as a SAHM. It wasn't for me, mainly due to our economic reality, and also DH's unsupportive view.

I don't really mourne not being able to be a SAHM because I like working. I like advancing my career. I like earning a paycheck. I like being employed. I like the social aspect, too.

However I do mourne the loss of flexibility and loss of time. It's darn hard raising a child while working. It just is.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother My ideal work life balance would be DH working and making enough to support the household, all of our needs and some of pur wants and providing hired help without assitance from me.

I know that scenario is never going to happen for us! I'm ok with that. It's a nice dream, but just a dream.

I don't really need hired help. I think I just need someone to babysit (good babysitting) so I can get other things done, and less time spent at work so I have time to pay a babysitter to watch the baby while I get things done.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother Yes seeing him during the day is okay...He would use his vaction days and we could take short trips.

I am so used to DH working long hours, never seeing him during the day, and never using his vacation days.

I used to hate it. Now it's more a relief that he's at work and not bothering me. Kind of sad, but it's true. And I've told him that and he knows so I don't feel bad about posting it.

Long ago, when he had the power to change his habits, maybe it would have made a difference. Now I realize he's not ever going to change because he doesn't want to and I don't know if it would make a difference at this point. We've had too many heart to hearts where he says he will change but he doesn't mean it and he doesn't really want to so I've stopped asking.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother The perfect balance changes from person to person and situation to situation.

So, so true.

It's instructive to me, though, to hear what balance is for other people and how they achieve it. And whether it's static.

 

[AndrewsMother]

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice This is how I felt as a SAHM. It wasn't for me, mainly due to our economic reality, and also DH's unsupportive view. I don't really mourne not being able to be a SAHM because I like working. I like advancing my career. I like earning a paycheck. I like being employed. I like the social aspect, too. However I do mourne the loss of flexibility and loss of time. It's darn hard raising a child while working. It just is.

It is very hard, and I do have guilt about working part time and attending school full time, but I make sure that our time together is well spent. I don't allow DS have his way to compensate for a lack of time, but I find ways to make him feel extra special when we are together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice I know that scenario is never going to happen for us! I'm ok with that. It's a nice dream, but just a dream. I don't really need hired help. I think I just need someone to babysit (good babysitting) so I can get other things done, and less time spent at work so I have time to pay a babysitter to watch the baby while I get things done.

I happened to know two excellent people who I use as my back up care. One is a childhood friend who lives at her and her family enjoy DS. Her parents are teachers and they come home and work with him on the days that he is at their home. The other is an oler lady. He watches too much television when he is with her, but she take him outside and for walks, she plays with him and she is loving and kind, but firm. If it were not for them DH and I would be at a loss.

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice I am so used to DH working long hours, never seeing him during the day, and never using his vacation days. I used to hate it. Now it's more a relief that he's at work and not bothering me. Kind of sad, but it's true. And I've told him that and he knows so I don't feel bad about posting it. Long ago, when he had the power to change his habits, maybe it would have made a difference. Now I realize he's not ever going to change because he doesn't want to and I don't know if it would make a difference at this point. We've had too many heart to hearts where he says he will change but he doesn't mean it and he doesn't really want to so I've stopped asking.

When DH worked nights I studied more and had fewer responsibilities.

Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice So, so true. It's instructive to me, though, to hear what balance is for other people and how they achieve it. And whether it's static.

I too like reading others ideas. Sometimes I find new ways that become a part of my life.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother When DH worked nights I studied more and had fewer responsibilities.

My DH doesn't work nights as in second shift. He works first shift, but often works into the late evening. So, he leaves very early in the morning, and then is gone all day, and then is usually home late in the evening. It makes for long days of juggling my work schedule and my parenting schedule, and after work parenting all on my own.

 

[~pi]

I have a small card on the shelf above the monitor on my desk:

Quote:

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. (author unknown)

This is what balance means to me. For me, finding balance is the process of figuring out how to structure my life (and, perhaps more importantly, my thinking about my life) such that the description fits me.

 

[That Is Nice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~pi I have a small card on the shelf above the monitor on my desk: This is what balance means to me. For me, finding balance is the process of figuring out how to structure my life (and, perhaps more importantly, my thinking about my life) such that the description fits me.

Well said.

I am going to remind myself of that today...and tomorrow...

 

[KSLaura]

I think when people say balance, they are refering to walking a tightrope over a canyon without falling into the oblivion below. Ok, maybe I'm the only one that feels like that... Maybe I feel that way because you can't have it all in the society we live in. I think if I had it all, I would live in a tribe somewhere where I could be with my kids all the time, and other relatives/adults would be around, too. That and we could hunt/gather our own food. You can only try your best and hope for a good outcome.

 

[slylives]

Hello That Is Nice.

I always look forward to reading your posts, because they are always so articulate and well thought out. And we have a certain amount of common ground, I think. I have a 13-month old daughter. I am a FT law student and for the first few months of my daughter's life, I worked FT (on summer break from school).

I have no balance in my life. There, said it! It seems to be a constant round of study, juggle baby and home responsibilities, pray the nanny shows up, and then study some more. I have only one more year at law school and then - please God - it should get a little easier. I share your concerns about everything, really!

Our childcare is situation is fine, but not great. Our nanny is wonderful with our daughter, but not as reliable as we hoped. One thing I have certainly found out is that if something has to give, it is always me. Always. My husband is self-employed and works incredibly hard. At least 60 hours a week, usually more. If nanny doesn't show and I have class, do you know how many times he has come home early/gone in late so that I can go to school? None. His opinion is that he makes the family money and I don't, so that is one aspect of our life that has to go on regardless. I sympathise with that view, and I am very grateful that he was willing to support the whole family single-handedly while I continue my studies. But he cruised through law school, middle of the class, and did the bare minimum. I am at the top of my class and work damn hard to stay there. (Too hard, in his opinion).

(Sorry - this is turning into a rant about my life rather than responding to your post!) I have certainly been giving these issues more thought because I am wondering what I will do after the bar exam. Some thoughts:

1) We did hire a cleaning lady, so at least our house is livable. Although that doesn't sound like an issue for you.

2) We have very little family help - mine are all in the UK and husband's are not that close. He has a sister who is simply wonderful who looks after our daughter many Sundays for a few hours. While I go and study and my husband goes to work.

3) Our lives feel very separate. I get upset sometimes because it feels like my husband sees time with our child as a burden to be tolerated, taking precious time away from work. But then again, maybe he thinks that of me, resenting the time away from studying. We talk about this occasionally, go round in circles, and go nowhere. My husband earns a lot of money - if he earned a quarter of what he did, that would still (more than) cover my lost salary. I have asked him to work fewer hours for less pay - he won't.

4) Have you read "The Feminine Mistake" by Leslie Bennett? It's a great read, about how and why women need to be VERY wary of giving up work and becoming reliant on a man. It has a very good chapter called the "Fifteen Year Paradigm" (I think) about how there is a lot of struggle, but that the struggle doesn't last forever and the kids become more self-sufficient and you'll be grateful you weren't a SAHM who has no financial self-sufficiency.

Also, finally - and I am trying to come up with as delicate a way as possible of expressing this - have you explored what your position would be if you were no longer with your husband? I ask because you seem so incredibly unhappy with your marriage. Your husband sounds quite inflexible, from what I've read in your posts. Separating may not improve things, but maybe it won't makes things worse, either? Hope I'm not offending you by suggesting that.