[doctorjen]

I've had several births lately with some goofy family members. What on earth is it about birth that seems to make some people feel like they are entitled to be there, regardless of the wishes of the birthing woman?
I had a teenage mom recently whose step-grandmother was banging on the door off and on during labor - getting in the nurse's face whenever she left the room, and making disparaging, racially ugly comments about the fiance's mother (whom the mom herself requested to have in the room) The mom herself did not want this woman in the room, but we had a heck of a time keeping her out. She was furious with me after, when I assisted the mom to put baby to breast and went out the door and shut it in this woman's face again. She felt her desire to see this baby should override the mom's desire to bond and breastfeed for the first time in peace.

Then, last week, I had a mom who warned me throughout the pregnancy that her own mother is kind of crazy, and requested that we keep her out. The mom labored 14 hours at the hospital, and we were chasing the grandma away almost the whole time. Finally, during pushing she kept opening the door and yelling to the mom - who kept yelling back "Go away mom!" I finally threatened to call security and have her forcibly removed if she didn't stay away from the room.

Today, one of the labor nurses had a grandma tell her that she had waited 22 years for this baby, and she intended to be in the room no matter what the mom said. (The grandma was the mother of the 22 year old dad.) The mom did NOT want this MIL around, so the nurses kept her out, but a family member has already called our hospital administration to complain.

What on earth is with these people who feel like a birth should be attended by anyone who feels like being there? Does this happen with out of hospital births, too, and if so, how do you deal with it there?
I love when birthing mamas have the support with them that they want, and don't limit who is present unless the mama requested that we help her keep folks away. I've been to births that are a lovely party atmosphere where the mom is clearing enjoying being the center of attention. But these last few nutty families have been very stressful to deal with, both for the mama and for the staff!

 

[MA mommy]

I have a crazy family. That is why I didn't call anyone until after I had delivered the baby.

I cannot imagine intrusing on someone's birth that did NOT want me there.

: If my own daughter's don't want me at their birth I will respect that (as long as the have a midwife and doula

)

 

[OnTheFence]

I was laughing while reading this post, but mainly because I could relate to it.
I am not sure why these people feel entitled to be there, without permission no doubt.

I had an emergency csection the first time so the only person there was my husband, however in recovery, all kinds of people came in to see me. Keep in mind I was drugged out of my mind, in horrible pain, flat on my back and had been given verset(sp) plus I was exposed in many ways. I had never had surgery before either. While I was in recovery, the staff and my husband allowed my newborn baby -- that I had not really seen or held -- to be passed around to all those waiting at the hospital for her arrival. There are these beautiful pictures of grandmas holding her, friends, aquaintances and none of me. (cause I am half dead in recovery) When I finally get moved to a room four hours later, I had over 20 something visitors. I had a hard time speaking up for myself (drugs and hoarse from screaming for over an hour in the OR) but not one of my advocates said anything about all the visitors, the fact that my bust was completely exposed during this time, or that maybe they shouldn't be passing my newborn around like a sack of potatoes. During this time, I was bleeding so bad, that literally blood was flowing over the bed onto the floor. My friend, a nursing assistant came in and saw me exposed and covered me up and called the nursing staff. During this time my mother and husband were both in the room, along with two of my best friends who all knew that this was far different than the natural Bradley Birth I had planned.

With my second birth I told everyone I knew, including family not to come to the hospital. I didn't even allow my children to come. This time I am a lot more relaxed about visitors, but I still have nightmares about my first experience and not having access to my baby like that. I don't think people realize how upsetting that can be to a new mom.

 

[OnTheFence]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MA mommy I have a crazy family. That is why I didn't call anyone until after I had delivered the baby. I cannot imagine intrusing on someone's birth that did NOT want me there. : If my own daughter's don't want me at their birth I will respect that (as long as the have a midwife and doula )

I'm really weird about visiting people after they have babies after my own experience. I am also weird about holding peoples babies after they are born, even if they say you can.

I've had so many babies born around me in the last nine years. I always call and ask if its okay to come and visit, and I never ask to hold them. Even when I have been a labor assistant for friends, I feel like I am intruding, even though they want me there!

 

[homemademomma]

oh lord, i was at a birth a few weeks ago where the mom got there obviiously in transition when she got to the birth center. her mom and sister where with her, but the mom (R) had said she didnt want them in the room. anyway, she was in the tub with her doula, me, and the midwife. she had the baby, and we were just hanging out in the bathroom, and after maybe 15 minutes the grandma wanders in and was like, "when did she have the baby?" we told her and she stomps out, and brings the sister in. she says "she had the baby 15 minutes ago and we only hear about it now?!?"

for the rest of the time they were there, they were glowering at us and making disparaging comments. they told the doula that we were unproffesional, and the grandma (who was R's ride home!) said she was going to leave because "obviously she was not needed here." we convinced her to stay, but OMG! what is wrong with people! they didnt ONCE say, "oh what a beautiful baby!" or "you did such a great job R" or anything like that. i was sooo mad at them!

 

[stafl]

why would they let those people know they are in labor?? I know at our local hospital, you can request that they not give your name or status to anyone who calls, no matter who it is. If I had delivered #2 there, I would have taken that option, then called family only after we got home with the baby.

 

[doctorjen]

I meant to start this thread in the Midwives etc. forum!
Anyway. I don't know how these crazy folks find out when mom's in labor, but sometimes it's not because the mom told them. Sometimes, it's folks the mom lives with, which makes it hard to sneak off and have the baby. Also, I practice in a small town, and we've had folks just recognize a car in the parking lot. Also, sometimes we inadvertently transfer a phone call in or something. It's not a prison, we can't stop every phone call or visitor sometimes.
I particularly hate that passing the baby around thing. Poor new babies must be so traumatized by being handed to stranger after stranger. And then we wonder why the poor things shut down and won't nurse.
It seems this issue is getting worse lately. It's hard to help a mama create a mood, and a safe, nesty environment to have a baby with unwanted guests banging on the door. The last mama I had really felt trapped in the room -I wanted her to go for a walk, or go sit in the shower, but that meant walking down the hall past the waiting room, and would have allowed the crazy mother to pounce on her. It took her over 2 hours to push her baby out, at least in part because she'd just start to push well, then the mom would poke her head in again, and she'd tense up and hold back for a while until she could get back in a grooze. I'm sure me finally losing it and screeching at this mother and threatening her with security removing her was real conducive to a nice birth, too.

I'm thinking of writing up a pamphlet that my clients can give their family members about who will be present for the birth - and I'm trying to think of ways to nicely say "We don't plan to invite you, but don't feel bad!"

 

[stafl]

I'll move the thread for you, even though it's not my forum to moderate (hope I don't step on anyone's toes).

 

[sevenkids]

It sure does happen in OOH births! It's a major cause of FTP. We call it "Family Dystocia".

We had one couple whose family was so annoying, we came up with an elaborate plan to get rid of them.
We told the family we were transporting for failure to progress, packed up mama and papa in the car, they took off in the direction of the hospital while we delayed the family and gave them instructions on what to do once they got to the hospital. "Wait in the lounge, someone will come get you when she has a room". The family took off, we called mama and papa on the cell, they came back, and had the baby an hour later. By the time the family figured it out, they were already nursing, eating lunch, and showered. Haha!

I've had a mother of the mother wring her hands the entire time and keep repeating "Let's go! Right now! Let me take you to the hospital right now so you cna get an epidural!"
We kicked her out and locked the door.

It's terrible when it happens.

 

[Storm Bride]

A timely thread, doctorjen. I have one somewhat related to it up in "Birth and Beyond" right now. My sister really wants to be at my birth, and expects that I'll call her...and I absolutely do not want her there. I don't think I can avoid telling her when I go into labour (I live with my mom right now, and there's a family friend who also lives here who's not very discreet). So, I think I'm just going to tell everyone that the only person I want there is dh. That's mostly true, anyway - and he'll shove anybody else out if they arrive. (I wouldn't mind mom dropping in a few times, but I don't want anyone but dh there for the whole birth.)

I can tell you there'd be hell to pay if my grandmother did what some of these women are doing...and she would, if she were still alive. Some people are just so incredibly inconsiderate.

 

[bu's mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sevenkids ...We told the family we were transporting for failure to progress, packed up mama and papa in the car, they took off in the direction of the hospital while we delayed the family and gave them instructions on what to do once they got to the hospital. "Wait in the lounge, someone will come get you when she has a room". The family took off, we called mama and papa on the cell, they came back, and had the baby an hour later. By the time the family figured it out, they were already nursing, eating lunch, and showered. Haha! ...

:LOL That made my day!

Not quite so horrible but when my water broke my mother drove from Virginia to NY & came straight to the hospital. I was having an awful time & could overhear her at the nurses station. I told dh to ask her to go home.

We were living at her house at the time so she could try being retired in Viriginia & she would come up about 1 weekend a month. I spoke to her weeks before about when I came back from the hospital I wanted it to just be me, dh & the baby for a few days. She was a little miffed but said she understood. The day after I gave birth, she said 'you really didn't want me to stay at Audrey's, did you?' Um, yes, that's why I brought it up before now.

If I have another child it will almost definitely be a home birth & nobody will know until the day after!

 

[captain optimism]

Quote:

Originally Posted by doctorjen Also, sometimes we inadvertently transfer a phone call in or something. It's not a prison, we can't stop every phone call or visitor sometimes.

My parents live in another state. I told my mom that she was not to come to see me until I was home from my hospital birth. My mom called EVERY DAY from week 36 on! EVERY DAY! On my due date my water broke and I didn't go into labor. After a tense 40 hours trying to induce naturally, I went to the hospital and agreed to have pitocin. It took another 44 hours to get the baby out.

In the middle of that time, my mom had my father call me in the hospital! The hospital staff transfered the call into the room where I was laboring. My husband picked up the phone and it was my dad! I'm yelling with contractions and trying to figure out whether they are actually dilating my cervix, and they can't believe i haven't called them already to let them make their airline reservations! Because you know, it couldn't possibly be that I have SOMETHING ELSE ON MY MIND! I began to yell "Give me the phone, I want to tell my mom how angry I am! I can't believe they are doing this!"

My husband told my dad, "I will call you back in about 20 minutes, I can't use the cell phone in here." Then he went outside and told my folks what was happening. He didn't give me the phone. I still kind of wish he had.

NOT HELPFUL! Thank God my mom lives in another state.

 

[Charmie981]

Oh, MAN! They had one of these at the birth center the other day. I'm so glad I wasn't there b/c I would have been VERY UPSET. Baby was not handling pushing well AT ALL. Descended really fast and FHT dropped LOW and didn't ever recover. At one point, they lost FHT all together for three minutes. Mom's parents are there and freaking out. Her mom starts to call family members and tell them the baby has DIED! After calling 9-1-1, midwives have mom push with everything she has and they get baby out. He's wearing his cord like a parachute harness (criscrossed around the chest in front and back, and wrapped around the neck twice...no, they didn't get a picture!). Unwrap the cord, stimulate baby and he pinks right up. The paramedics arrive and DEMAND that the MW cut the cord, and the grandparents say to the mother and father that the baby MUST go to the hospital or they will never speak to them again! Dad takes the baby to the hospital and he's kept for a WEEK (those homebirth germs).

*sigh* I really dislike my MIL and when she invited herself to my first birth, I made it more than clear that NO ONE was invited. It has really affected the way they treat us. They haven't had anything to do with my older son, really, and they've only seen my two-year old once since he was born. I can't believe they would be that shallow, and obviously there are other isseus involved when someone is willing to write off their son and grandchildren over something like not being present at the birt. But ya know...I didn't have a c-section because of "family dystocia" (that term cracks me up!!), and DH and I are both convinced that I would have had my MIL been anywhere near me during labor.

I just don't understand people who think that they have such a hold on one's life that they can force themselves into such an intimate moment as birth!

 

[watermamma]

Wow! What is wrong with people? To the OP, I don't have anything to add, as I am not a doula/midwife/etc... (but would love to be

).

But I just can't believe people are so self-absorbed to think they can do those things. And to OnTheFence, I am so angry for you about your first birth, your anger is so very justified. I am appalled that your babe was passed around like that and you were treated with such disrespect. I too never ask to hold a baby and always wait a good amount of time before visiting the new parents, you would have to drag me kicking and screaming into a hospital to visit someone after they have just given birth. I had too many visitors with my 1st birth (not near like what you went thru), but I did not allow any of it the 2nd time around. No one at my midwives birth center, even after babe was born, but we did invite close family to our home after we got home. It was so much more relaxed, and I was not naked and exposed like I was the first time.

 

[onlyboys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sevenkids It's a major cause of FTP. We call it "Family Dystocia".

:LOL

Not at the FTP, but "family dystocia."

 

[ktmama]

This topic is not one that my mw has brought up for discussion, but I think every mw and doc should really ask the parents to consider not making ANY phone calls (unless for childcare coverage and invited guests) until after the baby is born.

 

[hopefulfaith]

doctorjen, you need to write that pamphlet! And can you complete it and copyright it in the next few weeks? I could really use it. My family and my husband's family both live 7 and 14 hours away, respectively. Everyone wants us to call them when I feel like I might be going into labor so they can "come and watch". I feel very strongly that the only person I want near me is my dh and my best friend (ob nurse/doula).

I can hear the family dinner tables now about how selfish I'm being again (they didn't speak to me for six months when they heard I was getting married in Wyoming, where I lived at the time of my engagement/wedding, instead of in either of our respective states of origin)..... My sister is pouting and remarking about how so and so's sister "got to be there to watch" her niece's birth....my mother is avoiding the subject and is seething...my MIL is making remarks about how she was there at her other grandchildren's births... I'm slightly stressed about this!

Family dystocia, indeed!!! I love love love that term. :LOL :LOL :LOL

 

[Storm Bride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopefulfaith .... My sister is pouting and remarking about how so and so's sister "got to be there to watch" her niece's birth....my mother is avoiding the subject and is seething...my MIL is making remarks about how she was there at her other grandchildren's births...

Since when is birth a spectator sport?????

Tell them all you're having a c-section, and ask if they want to watch through the door... No - not really, but...I just can't believe these stories! My family better not act like that!! (I'm VBACing, so I've never had to deal with the "who'll be at the birth" issue.) Anybody who is there is there for my comfort - PERIOD! How can people be so pushy and rude????

 

[Foobar]

I can't believe people want to watch!!! TG my family and Dh's family live out of state!

 

[sevenkids]

People always want to watch a birth unfold. How often do you get to witness a miracle as it happens? And the energy is so high! But, they have to understand, it's not about them, it's about mama and papa and baby. People get really attached to the idea of witnessing a birth happen, and they really have a hard time letting go.
I can totally understand the desire to be a part of it (hey, I'm a midwife! I know how amazing and holy it is, and I'm grateful I am able to be a part of every birth I attend.) but I've also witnessed how open to people's energies mama can be and how much it can affect the progress of labour. I'm going to do everthing in my power to keep the sanctity of the birth space intact, even if I have to tell a little white lie or be forceful if needed.