[ethan'smamaCT]

I have been surfing around in this forum looking for answers to questions that do not have answers. I am so fed up with dh but the idea of divorce is so overwhelming to me. I don't want that for ds. We manage to keep it together for the most part around ds and he really loves us all being together. But I digress....

What I am thinking and wondering about is, knowing my own situation and reading all of your posts (I can't stand my dh's bull and so much of what I read in his seems just as unbearable...) what makes it worth it? Why do we chose to stay when we are being so mistreated and disrespected by the men in our lives? I am really suffering over this and have been for a long time and I just don't know what to do.

 

[ethan'smamaCT]

OK, that was a really loaded question, as I think about it, perhaps I shouldn't have posted it. But, conveniently, you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

I would still be interested in hearing anyone's response who has thoughts on this.

 

[Colorful~Mama]

i'm sorry you're going thru this. It sounds like you're really miserable. Have you thought bout counseling with him?
anyway, to answer the question...

Quote:

Why do we chose to stay when we are being so mistreated and disrespected by the men in our lives?

i think we choose to stay because we're feel safer in the crap we know then in the crap that could be out there. Fear is a big motivator for many women. Men too actually.
I think we choose to stay because there is still something in that person that we loved once and we really really want that back again. I think we hate to give up, to feel like we failed.
I think we choose to stay because we want our kids to have two parents. Because the world is a hard place to be alone. Because single parenting is daunting and tough as hell.

I chose to leave when my dd was 3mos old. I was a single mom for just shy of 6 years before meeting my soulmate, the love of my life, my best friend and husband. I chose to leave when all hope was lost. When no counseling, no talking, no praying was working. When i woke up every day feeling like shyte and knowing my daughter would live that life if i didin't make it change for her.

anyway. i hope you talk to him. Talk to a spiritual leader if you have one. Talk to a therapist maybe and see if theres anything left you can salvage and rebuild. And if theres not ... if nothing works....then get yourself out.

good luck. if you wanna talk, pm....

 

[ethan'smamaCT]

Thank you so much. Here's another sad part, we have been in counseling for a year. Our therapist is wonderful and is trying really hard to help us and we have had periods where things really looked bright and like they were going to get better. However, we inevitably slide back into our old destructive patterns.

Beyond that, everything that you said is what goes through my head all the time. It really does help to hear it from someone else too.

Lastly, the question that I keep coming back to is, is there really any chance that I will find happiness in the future. You answered that question too. Thank you, again.

 

[SamuraiEarthMama]

can you talk with the counselor privately and get her views on what you are saying? if she is witnessing improvement and then a slide back, maybe she can give you some more insight on whether there is any hope in this case.

i started a thread a couple of months ago, called all these sad stories, that had some pretty interesting insights into why women sometimes choose to stay in bad relationships... you might want to read through it, i learned a lot from the stories that were shared there.

i stuck with a rotten relationship (though not abusive) for years, to give my kids two parents and a stable home. i'm not sorry i did it, because i think what i gave up was worth what my kids got, but i'm also not sad that it finally ended... because now things are better than i ever imagined they could be. yes, my kids had some pretty hard times in the transition, but that was mostly because my ex chose to go to court after promising not to... it was a unilateral choice of betrayal and lying on his part that made things go bad, not the split (we had kept things calm for four years before that).

so if you and your husband are committed to making the split as gentle as possible on your child(ren), it does NOT have to be a bad thing. but sadly, while it takes the both of you working hard to keep it good, it only takes one of you to make it go bad.

only you can weigh the consequences, and know what you truly need to be happy. listen to your heart, use your head, and try not to let anger rule your tongue.

good luck to you.