What should I do? E-mail from old guy friend...

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THIS is absolutely what I'd vote for.

I agree that you should tell your DH about the email, and that his jealousy is creating deceitfulness in you.

I also think the best approach, to save your DH feelings AND to rekindle a friendship with your old guy friend, would be to invite him to your house to meet your family. I know I would jump at the opportunity to show off and brag about my Dh and kids

That way your old guy can become everyones friend!

Thank you for the responses.
Problem is, I just can't be myself talking to a guy around my DH. If I seem like I smiling a lot, kidding around and laughing, etc., I'd probably get dirty looks from DH and he'd probably huff and puff and roll his eyes and utterly, totally embarrass me. I'm just a totally easy-going, laughy, flirty person - with girls AND guys - it's just my personality type and who I am. But whenever I'm in situations like that, my DH makes me feel really, really uncomfortable like I'm trying to get into the person's pants or something So in those situations, I act very reserved and on edge and I'd rather avoid a really uncomfortable situation like that.

So, to me, that's not really an option. It would be waaaay more stressful and uncomfortable than I would feel like dealing with. I hate hate hate hate walking on eggshells. Problem is, he totally denies that he acts like this. He's like, "Oh, it's all in your head, I was fine".... but it is NOT in my head. I'm not some paranoid schizo. who misreads people, kwim? Then the more he denies it the more totally p*ssed off I get. I usually just have to walk away from it because I don't want to totally freak out on him.

Maybe I will mention it.... even though I kind of know how it would go. As far as him meeting an ex-girl/friend for coffee or something, I'd be fine with it. I knew his ex and she was a really cool girl... someone I would not mind talking to and hanging out with. But my philosophy is, if something was ever meant to happen it will, and I can't control everything and everyone around me. I think he's just so insecure he wants to control the world, kwim?

Whew, sorry so long! I just wrote a novel

From what your descibe, I would put the whole issue of the ex-boyfriend on the back burner. If you decide to meet him, it may create a temporary episode of tension in your realtioship, and if you decide not to meet him, this episode may be avoided. Either way, the larger issue of his inappropriate jelousy and inappropriate behavior, all based on insecurity, is still there. This issue is what he needs to deal with. You can't make him deal with it and you can't deal with it for him, but you can explain to him its effects on you to hopefully help him see it is something he needs to work on.

So the larger issue that this current minor delima raises is much more important than the delima itself.

It is unhealthy for him and unfair to you. Your friendliness should not be a threat, especially after so many years of marriage. That you are being stiffled, that he is being made (by himself, not by you) unhappy, means that the situation needs to be dealt with regardless of what you decide in relation to this meeting with your ex.

Good luck.

candiland. i am getting this feeling from your last post, (and i think you seem cool enough to consider this and take it or leave it as you see fit) but your dh sounds like he is way out at one end of the spectrum, and you are sitting at the other- and until one of you scoots toward the middle ground a little, the other wont budge.

and since, as you say yourself, ya cant controll him, you can only controll you. is there any way to compromise a wee bit? its not really black and white- a person doesnt have to be either totally laughy and flirty or totally stiff and uncomfortable. it might not be easy (or totally fair), but it might be worth the effort of revising your approach in order to keep things nicer with dh and still see your old buddy.

it just sounds like you are locked into rebellious mode, because you feel dh pulling the reins in on you, and it can be infuriating. i could also be projecting that, becuase i have seen dh and myself in similar situations to the one you are in and it only makes him act worse when i turn into stubborn indignant rebel girl.

maybe talk to dh ahead, tell him you are gonna work on modifying your behavior, FOR HIS BENEFIT, because you love and value him and honestly want to help him be comfy. tell him what it means to you to see this guy, and listen to dhs feelings and worries and suggestions, w/o arguing. just hear his feelings. ask him to modify his behavior too- or, ok, since he denies acting badly, say something like, "i know it might be just me, but i am afraid you will do XYZ. could you please be on the loookout just in case you catch yourself doing something i could maybe percieve in that way and consider keeping it to yourself?" (that might be abit of bs, becuase you and i know that you are not imaging it, but it will help keep him outa the defensive position)

it just really sound like you and dh are opposites of each other in this area, and that is probably part of the attraction, you each have what the other lacks, but things might be more comfy if you can each step in toward the middle.

geez. i just want you to be able to see your friend and still have comfort in your home. good luck.

Alright, let's see here....

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No. No, meaning none he'd ever hang out with by himself. They're either my friends, in which case I'd be there hanging out with them, or our guy friends' girlfriends or wives.... again, he'd never just hang out with the girl and not his dude friend, too.

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True, true, true. I can definitely see this. I really don't like anyone telling me what to "do", and the more I feel locked in, the harder I fight to get my way. Maybe it is more of a power struggle between the two of us?

HannahSims, I think that's what I'll do. I'll bring it up tomorrow and see how it goes. Problem is, he's always sooo suspicious that I'll act like I'm lying or doing something wrong even if I'm not. Oh, well. We'll see how it goes.

Gabesmomma - he'd loooove that, but it's not my style at all. That's why we butt heads so much. I really enjoy male company -I actually get along better with guys than I do girls, even though I do have lots of girl friends in my life.

mamawanabe - I totally agree. But when I bring this up - even in a non-confrontational manner, he totally denies that it exists. What am I supposed to do?

bizzarogirl (love that screen name, btw) - I'm really starting to think that way. Why create an issue out of this when it's a VERY old acquaintance that I never think about much, anyway? But as another poster mentioned, it's a signal of a deeper issue, so maybe it is a good idea to bring it up and see where it goes.

Thanks for the responses. I guess I'll casually bring it up and see what he has to say about it

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I like this advice.

Different people see this so differently--whether or not opposite-sex friends are ok. But if my dh felt uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't jeopardize what he and I have. And he wouldn't have female friends because he knows that would make me uncomfortable.

My dh had to mature enough, though, to put our marriage before friendships with other women. It used to create a real strain for us, and I'm glad it doesn't anymore. The only female "friends" he has now are wives of his buddies.