What should I do, if anything, to prepare for a possible custody battle?

smeep · Nov 13, 2010

Here's the rundown: I'm currently pregnant (baby's EDD is mid February). I moved in with the father at the very beginning of July. I moved out in the middle of September (if I remember correctly, I just know for sure it was in September, I can always easily dig up dates if necessary, I'm just pg brain right now).
 
During the time we lived together he was very emotionally abusive to me and put me in dangerous situations (including leaving me stranded in a not-so-safe area at 4am with no place to sleep, a phone that doesn't call out, no money, no food, no water, nothing), forced me to sleep in a car, his ex (who he may be dating again now, I don't know) tried to physically come after me, the both of them also tried to pull me out of the car (he put his hands on the seatbelt and tugged when I turned around and told them that if they touched me I would file assault charges, and they backed off), left me stranded in another state, and so on. He is an alcoholic, he has a drug history (personally, I don't care that he smokes pot, but recreational use of xanax was a factor in one of the incidents and I know he has done/probably will again do many other drugs), etc.
 
He still has some of my things and I need to go and get them. Should I take pictures of the place whilst I'm out there? He tends to leave dangerous things laying around, though I do think it's a little irrelevant right now seeing as how the baby isn't even born yet and he could clean it up before then. But chances are there will be TONS of beer/liquor bottles around as usual, and I think those pictures might help a lot.
 
I don't know what will happen. I am very tempted to just not file for child support at all because I'm worried about a custody battle, so I am planning to take it slowly and see how things unfold after baby's born before I file. IF I file for child support through the attorney general, what they generally do is just hold a mediation hearing where they set basic child support and basic custody (Wednesday evenings, EOW weekend is what DS's biodad got, and I requested no overnights due to nursing which they put for the first year and ex has never met DS, so visitation has become a mute point).
 
With regards to the basics of how the attorney general handles things, I have two issues:
 
1) Ex is a server and, while they report his credit card tips, they do NOT report his cash tips. So his bi-weekly checks come out at about $400 each, when in reality he makes an additional $60-100 a shift in cash, 5 days a week. How do I fight this IF he only lists his official income? I figured that if this happens I can just tell him simply, "Either you admit to the $60-100 additional you come home with after every shift, or I have no problem reporting this to the IRS and anyone else who would be interested in knowing that your employer does not report all wages to the IRS in order to get that enforced so it is on the record and I can get it then, OR you can just admit it right now." Something along those lines. Or should I do something else?
 
2) Not only will I not let him have the baby overnight (which they will give me because I'm not nursing, but unfortunately they only do it for a year so I'd have to go back at that point to get it extended), I do NOT want him to have ANY unsupervised time with the baby. IF he wants anything to do with the baby at all, I'm sure that won't fly with him, which means we will probably have to go into court beyond mediation. I don't want him to have unsupervised time for two reasons. 1) we will be nursing and I have had supply issues before and will be renting a hospital grade pump as it is for work (I'm sure I can get an IBCLC, my midwife, perhaps an awesome ped to write letters to back this up) so even a full Saturday and a full Sunday without overnights could be detrimental to my supply...but, more importantly is 2) I do NOT trust him for ANYTHING. With all he's done to me, I'm not about to let him around my child without me being there the entire time. If he's put ME in dangerous situations while I'm carrying his child, I have no way of knowing whether or not he will do the same with the baby when s/he isn't in me.
 
TIA!!!

Sativarain1 · Nov 13, 2010

Goodluck to you and your baby, but I've heard without papertrails and previous documentation abusers get rights. It's sad. Hopefully other mama's on here can help better prepare you.

Jessnet · Nov 13, 2010

I just wanted to share personal experience with the non-reported income issue. To sum up, the Texas AG doesn't care. They don't have the time or the resources to check out every CP who claims the NCP makes more than they are claim. In our case, my current DH was being accused by his ex of making much, much, much more than what he was - (oh how I wish that was true!).
We currently have a court case date which has involved getting lawyer. In order to prove our side we have been requested to turn in by the Texas AG paystubs, back tax records, the yearly SS statement, and bank account statements.
 
These are all things that would NOT show the extra cash tips your ex is making.
 
We were told by the Texas AG's office they can only go by what the NCP turned in and the most remedial checking they routinely do is to double check with the Texas Workforce Commission to make sure the the wages match somewhat close. Even at the higher level of the court hearing, the only thing the AG can do is go by the additional proof (mentioned above) that the NCP turns in. If the federal tax returns and federal SS returns match what the NCP has turned in to the AG's office there's nothing they can do to raise support.
 
If he IS committing tax fraud, that's a federal issue, not a CS issue, and the Texas AG CS department will wash their hands of it.
 
I am NOT advocating letting your ex off the hook for any child support he owes, but at his min. of $60 a week cash extra, by the CS formula that translates into what.....an extra $12 a week.
 
You need to evaluate the cost of fighting for an extra $12 week. And how many YEARS will it take you to pay off a lawyer for that extra 12 bucks? How much mental anguish is fighting for that extra $12 week going to cost. How much more contact with your ex is fighting for $12 week going to cost?
 
You know what's best for you and your situation, but I just didn't want you to make a decision thinking the Texas AG's office was going to be proactive for you.

Jessnet · Nov 13, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by smeep <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279111/what-should-i-do-if-anything-to-prepare-for-a-possible-custody-battle#post_16042246"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> 
Either you admit to the $60-100 additional you come home with after every shift, or I have no problem reporting this to the IRS and anyone else who would be interested in knowing that your employer does not report all wages to the IRS in order to get that enforced so it is on the record and I can get it then
 
</div>
</div>
 
I don't think this would work. According to the tax law, it is not the employer's job report correct tip amounts - it is the employee's duty to report to his employer correctly. If I understand the law right, his work wouldn't care - it's not their problem if he does not report correctly - so threatening to call the IRS on his place of business wouldn't work; it would just be an empty threat, YKWIM?

PatienceAndLove · Nov 13, 2010

DON'T take it slowly.
If you don't want DC spending the night, you need to take care of that right now.
As for getting your stuff, most of the time you can request a police escort to go with you. Since that requires a police report, you will have a paper trail documenting your fear of violence.
When you go to mediation/court, bring all copies of police reports of incidents involving the two of you.
If possible, take the pics when you go to XBF's house. You will also be able to have the police officer come in to testify to verify your findings.
 
From my personal experience, if you play nice to abusive XBFs in the beginning, it has a tendency to get worse for you later. You have to play mama bear from the beginning, and keep you and your DC safe.

provocativa · Nov 14, 2010

Yes, take the pictures and document everything. do it now, because something more than preggo brain could interfere and you won't remember (stressful events can cause memory loss). Take the cop to get your stuff. Some of what Jessnet said may be true, but ignore it. 60-100 bucks a shift is a lot of money a week- up to 500 bucks. It has been my experience that the IRS does care if the restaurant is aiding their employees to commit tax fraud- and they have a hotline, What Jessnet said may be true about the Texas AG and CS enforcement, but I doubt that your ex knows that, and I doubt that he will get good legal representation, and even thoug jessnet is right you are going to use your exes ignorance. So what you are going to do is gather all the evidence you can, and then use that evidence to intimidate him out of a custody fight and into paying cs as you mentioned. You will probably have a temp hearing after the baby is born- at least we do here. And it is right before that hearing or during mediation at the hearing (we went off to a room separate from the judge with a mediator right away) and you will use the IRS threat then. You will not mention the other evidence, unless forced to. You will just say you do not agree to him having visits alone with baby, because he has been violent in the past and is an addict. The mediator or judge will be able to tell it's the truth. You won't share any other evidence like photos with him until right before the custody battle if you think you can intimidate him out of the court fight. 
 
If you can sell anything or everything you own and pay a private investigator (they require a greater retainer here than my lawyer did!) then the p.i. can take pictures of him buying liquor and bieng drunk, often, and may even be able to take pics of him going to buy drugs. the p.i. can also testify for you in court.
 
of course, remember, you could just not put him on the birth cert. and see if he pursues it. but your baby does deserve the monetary support.

Jessnet · Nov 14, 2010

$60-100 a shift?
forgive me, smeep. I miss-read that. I thought you said it was just an extra $60 A WEEK. 
 
There's a big difference between encouraging your employees to lie about their tips and simply trusting your employees to report them back to you correctly. Without actually working there yourself, you are operating on assumptions of how things are done at his workplace. Most likely they are operating within the letter of the law and it is your ex who is at fault for not reporting correctly. I wouldn't threaten to go after his place of work; do you really want to start a legal fight with a COMPANY?
 
Keep this fight between yourself and your ex; accusing his workplace of IRS tax fraud is starting a whole different set of problems for yourself.

LoveOhm · Nov 14, 2010

I would file a restraining order NOW listing both you and your child and have it be in effect for a long as the court will allow. I also suggest you retain a lawyer who specializes in DV divorces and custody, see what their suggestions are and go from there. If you cannot afford to hire your own attorney then I would contact DV Shelters or DV Counseling Centers that are local to you who often have a long list of services they can provide you with and legal representation is one service many of them offer.

smeep · Nov 15, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by PatienceAndLove <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279111/what-should-i-do-if-anything-to-prepare-for-a-possible-custody-battle#post_16042577"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> As for getting your stuff, most of the time you can request a police escort to go with you. Since that requires a police report, you will have a paper trail documenting your fear of violence.
When you go to mediation/court, bring all copies of police reports of incidents involving the two of you.
If possible, take the pics when you go to XBF's house. You will also be able to have the police officer come in to testify to verify your findings.
</div>
</div>
 
While I know that I can get officers to come to "keep the peace" I wanted to avoid it for various reasons. However, I didn't even THINK of doing it for paper trail reasons...will they even make an actual report about it? I've used the police before to do that and I don't recall there being any sort of report at all.
 
 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by provocativa <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279111/what-should-i-do-if-anything-to-prepare-for-a-possible-custody-battle#post_16043086"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Yes, take the pictures and document everything. do it now, because something more than preggo brain could interfere and you won't remember (stressful events can cause memory loss). Take the cop to get your stuff. Some of what Jessnet said may be true, but ignore it. 60-100 bucks a shift is a lot of money a week- up to 500 bucks. It has been my experience that the IRS does care if the restaurant is aiding their employees to commit tax fraud- and they have a hotline, What Jessnet said may be true about the Texas AG and CS enforcement, but I doubt that your ex knows that, and I doubt that he will get good legal representation, and even thoug jessnet is right you are going to use your exes ignorance. So what you are going to do is gather all the evidence you can, and then use that evidence to intimidate him out of a custody fight and into paying cs as you mentioned. You will probably have a temp hearing after the baby is born- at least we do here. And it is right before that hearing or during mediation at the hearing (we went off to a room separate from the judge with a mediator right away) and you will use the IRS threat then. You will not mention the other evidence, unless forced to. You will just say you do not agree to him having visits alone with baby, because he has been violent in the past and is an addict. The mediator or judge will be able to tell it's the truth. You won't share any other evidence like photos with him until right before the custody battle if you think you can intimidate him out of the court fight. 
 
If you can sell anything or everything you own and pay a private investigator (they require a greater retainer here than my lawyer did!) then the p.i. can take pictures of him buying liquor and bieng drunk, often, and may even be able to take pics of him going to buy drugs. the p.i. can also testify for you in court.
 
of course, remember, you could just not put him on the birth cert. and see if he pursues it. but your baby does deserve the monetary support.
</div>
</div>
 I don't have money to buy anything in the first place, let alone sell it for a PI... sooo, that won't happen. And it's pretty hard to be "sneaky" where he is anyway. Sure, one could get evidence of anything that he does while he's in town, but the place where he lives is at the end of a private road out in the country and EVERYONE there knows everyone and word would get around within a couple hours about "some car" that was driving down that road.
 
I do know that he gets his pot at work...I think one of his coworker's friends brings it up there, but I know that's where they do it. Perhaps I could make that another threat to ex, crossing my fingers that he's too ignorant to argue? But, at the same time, I haven't exactly been completely "clean" myself, iykwim. I would most definitely test clean now, but he could easily argue that I've smoked before and while it's he-said-she-said, I think I would rather keep pot OUT of the equation and stick to alcohol. That's my main concern, anyway. I don't care if he's stoned or not, I personally think pot is generally pretty okay, but it's the alcohol that I'm really, really concerned about. Pot has never been involved in a negative way, ever. It's always been alcohol (and once xanax was also involved). 
 
He will not be put on the birth certificate regardless of what I do. With DS I knew his biodad wouldn't be involved at all and I knew 100% I would file the CS papers the second I got DS's SS card in the mail (they wouldn't let me file until I had the number), but I had no plans of putting biodad on the birth certificate until the court did it themselves after we went to the AG for support. So, I have no plans either way to put him on the birth certificate. I don't even know if I can do that here in Texas without him signing?
 <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Jessnet <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279111/what-should-i-do-if-anything-to-prepare-for-a-possible-custody-battle#post_16043275"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> $60-100 a shift?
forgive me, smeep. I miss-read that. I thought you said it was just an extra $60 A WEEK. 
 
There's a big difference between encouraging your employees to lie about their tips and simply trusting your employees to report them back to you correctly. Without actually working there yourself, you are operating on assumptions of how things are done at his workplace. Most likely they are operating within the letter of the law and it is your ex who is at fault for not reporting correctly. I wouldn't threaten to go after his place of work; do you really want to start a legal fight with a COMPANY?
 
Keep this fight between yourself and your ex; accusing his workplace of IRS tax fraud is starting a whole different set of problems for yourself.
</div>
</div>
 Trust me, I'm 100% certain that his employer KNOWS he is not reporting his cash tips. When he started working, that's what his employer told him. Point blank, I only report your credit card tips, not the cash tips. Plus the employer knows what he makes on a daily basis because at the end of the shift all servers are required to tip out 20% of their total cash tips to the busboy. So it's not like the employer has no idea how much they're making. The employer and all the employees are doing this, and are all fine with it. And, personally, I don't really care about it at all! The only reason why I care one bit is because I'm afraid that ex won't report the cash tips to CS. That's the only reason why I care and am considering threatening him with it.
 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by LoveOhm <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279111/what-should-i-do-if-anything-to-prepare-for-a-possible-custody-battle#post_16044451"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> I would file a restraining order NOW listing both you and your child and have it be in effect for a long as the court will allow. I also suggest you retain a lawyer who specializes in DV divorces and custody, see what their suggestions are and go from there. If you cannot afford to hire your own attorney then I would contact DV Shelters or DV Counseling Centers that are local to you who often have a long list of services they can provide you with and legal representation is one service many of them offer. 
</div>
</div>
 I don't know if I could even get a restraining order. He's only ever put his hand on me ONCE (it was the night I ended up having to sleep in the car; he reached over, grabbed the seatbelt - he was going to try and physically remove me from the car - and I turned around and told him that if he or ex-girl put a hand on me I would charge them for assault, which stopped him immediately). He's never been physically violent in that way. He has put me in dangerous situations (sleeping in a car, kicked me out of a car at 4am in a dangerous area with nothing, driving drunk, etc.). The problem is that he's never physically hurt me and I haven't even hardly had anything to do with him (other than him bringing by my stuff a couple times) since September, so the last thing that happened in September is now 2 months old, so I can't imagine I could get a restraining order on those grounds?

LoveOhm · Nov 15, 2010

I don't have alot of time to post but domestic violence has many sides......
 
Please please please read this: <a href="http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm" target="_blank">http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm</a>
 
then go file for a restraining order.

Ravensong13 · Nov 15, 2010

I agree with filing a restraining order. I did not for my ex because he never actually hit me and i thought I couldn't( there were threats of harm) and I found out later I could have. It would have helped me a TON. I would suggest looking up your local women's shelter and go in to talk to someone about what you are experiencing. Even if you don't want/need their services they can still provide a statement saying that you came to them with concerns. I used this in my case for full legal custody of my dd and it helped tremendously.

provocativa · Nov 17, 2010

wow, i wish i'd known you can file a restraining order for verbal or emotional abuse. that would have helped me a lot. i agree with you about the pot issue, xh and myself are in the same boat, my x is a verbally abusive drunk. really, pot helps calm him down. i am just making sure that i can test clean. just don't mention it to your x at all, except perhaps to remind him the day before the court hearing that if he pursues custody, your lawyer will insist on a drug test from both of you (and often they will want to continue to test periodically and randomly, so he will have to give up pot for good). 
 
if you know where he purchases alcohol, if he does so regularly, someone could photograph him doing that. often servers have a habit of going out together after work. i don't have money for an investigator, either. sigh. since he's a server, he buys alcohol with cash, but for anyone else reading this bank statements and credit card statements are good to help prove alcoholism. 
 
here is the irs link about reporting tax fraud <a href="http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=106778,00.html" target="_blank">http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=106778,00.html</a> you can report individuals, or companies. you could just go ahead and do it. when i was a server, we only had to report tips equal to 12% of our sales. it really sucks that no one seems to care that deadbeat parents can underreport their income. one of my friend's x just didn't show up for the court hearing, and they recorded his wage at minimum wage, even though he makes over 30 bucks an hour. she couldn't provide pay stubs to prove it b/c he was self-employed.

PatienceAndLove · Nov 17, 2010

OP-
If the police are involved, they HAVE to write a report. You are not required to sign it, but they do have to keep a record of everything they do, and every call they respond to.
If they have been involved before, obtain the reports. They are public record, and they are in regards to you, so you can get them.
 
Good luck, OP.

What should I do, if anything, to prepare for a possible custody battle?

smeep

Registered

Sativarain1

Registered

Jessnet

Registered

Jessnet

Registered

PatienceAndLove

Registered

provocativa

Registered

Jessnet

Registered

LoveOhm

Registered

smeep

Registered

LoveOhm

Registered

Ravensong13

Registered

provocativa

Registered

PatienceAndLove

Registered