[amylam]

Hi, I am looking for some help with my 2 1/2 year old son, is he very aggressive. He was a bit aggressive before my daughter was born but not something I couldn't handle.

After she was born I was on bed rest for about week. In that time my mother and father watched my son at my house. I felt it was important for Z to be around right after she was born, even though I couldn't be with him the whole time. He loved her from the first moment he saw her and still does. He is very protective of her....

But as the days went on I notice my father threatening Z with a spanking and raising his tone for what I thought was too much for Z. I spoke to my father and he said sorry to me and also to Z. He took him a side and said sorry to him so he could understand as much as possible but I think it was too late at point.

The following week after my parent's had left he was dangerously aggressive. He will hit, bite, pinch and kick also he will also pull hair and throw things.

He has been doing this for 8 months now. I've gotten it to stop some but he is still very aggressive, I have tried everything. I've tried the 123 three thing and also being really stern but not to stern to scare him. I've tried lots of time out but the time outs are not working anymore. I've tried speaking calmly and nothing seems to work all of the time. I've tried changing the situation bringing him to another room. But now I don't know what to I feel I've done everything I can. I'm not sure if I'm doing what I need to is there anything else i can do?

He usually does this well anytime. When he frustrated or while playing. Also when we tell him he can't do something or can't have something. Lately he's been doing it a lot, when I'm shopping. He doesn't seem to be aggressive with other children but if this continues I'm afraid it might.

I'm afraid this will continue to when he is older and in school. How do I deal with this so this it doesn't continue to that point? How do I help him to not be aggressive? Please help me if you have any advice I will be very grateful.

Thank you,
Amy.

 

[babsbob]

Did he start eating anything new since your DD was born? More sugar or food coloring? Do you think he might have a food sensitivity?

That being said, my DD even though she loved her brother, she was also horribly jealous for a really long time and was somewhat aggresive. Now my DS is is 2 and he is also pretty violent lately so to some extent with the jealousy issue and the gender/age thing it might be pretty normal. My nephew was pretty aggressive at that age too. If it is not a food sensitivity then it is probably just a phase. I found that timeouts didn't work for my kids either. All I do is give them words and help them work out their emotions and frustration and empathize.

When DD would throw a tantrum and hit me I would gently say that I couldn't be around someone who hits and I would ask her to find her "safe space" to calm down - she had two or three place she could go to calm down. I say things like "I know you're angry" and "let me know when you're ready to calm down and do something else". I also find acceptable alternatives for them to release some anger like drawing angry pictures or hitting a pillow. Hopefully he will grow out of it pretty soon. I think my DS is just getting started!

 

[IntrovertExtrovert]

I'm sure this is really frustrating to both of you! *hugs*

I haven't found any "quick fixes" to hitting or aggression, but when my son went through an aggressive phase around that same age, here are some of the things I did:
1) I started talking about how I feel when I'm angry, frustrated, or sad. I had been talking about my emotions a bit before (which is very hard for me, so it was a struggle!), but I tried to be more consistent about it. I wanted him to see that it's ok to be upset, and it's ok to want to hit, but it's not ok to hit. It feels a little silly at first. Sometimes I would say "Ugh, I'm so frustrated I just want to hit something. But hitting hurts, so I won't."

He loved it, and started asking me to pretend to be angry. If your child is into pretend yet, playacting is a great way to practice.

2) I made a point of being on the lookout for his triggers. I tried to avoid them. If I couldn't avoid the triggers, sometimes I could avoid the hitting. You know that look that toddlers sometimes get right before they hit? I would move before he could hit me, or move him if he was about to hit someone else, or turn it into a high five.

3) Any time I noticed him getting frustrated but not hitting, I made a point of telling him that I noticed and liked it. It also gave me a chance to reinforce #1--it's ok to be upset.

It didn't work overnight, or even "overweek." It did help. Sometimes he does still get caught up in the moment if another kid hits him or takes something from him, but it's much, much less frequent than it used to be.

 

[mamaduck]

Quote:

The following week after my parent's had left he was dangerously aggressive.

I would be gentle in terms of attributing this to your dad. Obviously he was out of line, but I don't think a few weeks of exposure to your dad at his whit's end would "cause" this. If that were so, many more of us who tend to "loose our cool" from time-to-time would have aggressive children! If anything, having his grandparents so involved and then having them *leave* would be frustrating and lonely for him. His immediate aggression might have been caused by *missing* his grandparents, and the extra attention they provided.

Quote:

But now I don't know what to I feel I've done everything I can. I'm not sure if I'm doing what I need to is there anything else i can do?

Trying a lot of different things is not nearly as effective as consistantly doing the SAME thing each time he is aggressive over a long period of time. Personally, I lean toward removing him from the situation each time. It is logical, it keeps everyone safe, it gives him a break, and it stops the behavior.

IE's advice to talk more about feelings is on target. Your ultimate goal is to teach him to "use his words" when he gets upset, but first he has to learn what feeling words apply and when to use them. Expressing strong feelings with words is something that most adults struggle with -- its difficult. But learning this skills as a young child is invaluable. Label and empathize with his strong feelings as you see them occurring. "Oh, you are frustrated! That activity is just not working the way you wanted it to work, and you ares tarting to get frustrated. Your face is red, and you look like you are starting to feel angry and frustrated!" If this language upsets him more (some kids do not like when someone pretends to know their feelings) then try rephrasing as a question. "Are you frustrated because your project didn't work?"

When he is a little older (3-4 years old) you can move from "feelings talk" to "problem solving skills."

Floor time is helpful too, with aggressive kids. Spend 30 min. a day sitting on the floor with him, totally engaged wtih him and his priorities, and follow his lead. The extra attention and connection will do wonders.

Quote:

I'm afraid this will continue to when he is older and in school. How do I deal with this so this it doesn't continue to that point?

Don't spend too much time indulging in this sort of anxiety. The stress of his behavior *right now* is really enough for you to tackle without adding on fears about his future. He is only 2 and half. Its not that unusual for a toddler to be aggressive and then most grow out of it. Its can be dangerous to base parenting decisions on fears like this -- it leads many people to decisions that are too punative and damaging.

If you do the right thing for your child in terms of the developmental level that he is at RIGHT NOW -- that will also be the right thing for the future.

 

[VeezieTG]

i know this is a totally random question, but how is his sleep?

i noticed my son being very aggressive for awhile, and we also had sleep troubles. i read the no-cry sleep book (not sure the exact title, sorry) and it said a direct link has been made between early childhood aggression and not enough sleep. i have since noticed how skipping a nap will turn my boys into total mean, hitting, biting, hair-pulling meanies and a full 12 hr of night sleep and at least 2 hrs during the day turns them into angels. along with watching closely what they're eating, as a pp said, cos my boys both seem to be very sensitive to sugars.

other than that i hope it gets better soon.