[maya44]

My neighbor and good friend had a m/c last week at 9 weeks.

Years ago, I also had a m/c at 9 weeks. This was between my first two dd's. While I was a little sad, I quickly became pg again. For me, it was not huge deal. I really hardly ever think about it.

However, I would never presume that anyone else would feel the same way. I understand that for many people the experience is just completely different and never say any of this to anyone who had a loss. I am sorry to do so here but am desperate for advice

My neighbor though has been calling. In these calls she has been trying to get me to say that I felt like her (devestated) and discuss "how I got over it" "how long I felt horrible for" "how much I think about it now"

I don't feel its appropriate to tell her the truth. I have tried saying things like "well everyone feels different." She keeps saying "well how exactly did you feel." I have been putting her off and offering lots of love and sympathy but she is not letting this go and asked me to take her out to lunch today to talk.

What should i do or say here?????????

 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I would just tell her that you think that how ever she feels it is OK. And exactly what you said about everyone feeling differently and experiencing grief differently. I don't think you have to hide how you felt. Just tell her you were pregnant very soon afterwards and you put your energy into that. You could even let her know about this forum, I know it has been so helpful since I had my mc. She is probably just looking for someone to talk to that she can feel OK expressing herself. Just listen and let her know you'll be there for her now and later when others may have forgotten about her m/c. I think it is great that you are there for her, even if your experience was different than hers. You are obvously a good friend with a sympathetic ear, that is what she needs right now.

 

[Mamax3]

I agree, just tell her the truth as you explained it here. Let her tell you how she feels and listen to her. Sometimes not saying anything, just being there and listening is the best thing.

I have experienced a m/c in the past and my experience was much like yours. But, I do know that a lot of women are truly devastated by a m/c and I can sympathize with that. I think the best thing is to offer support and a listening ear.

 

[maya44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by race_kelly Just tell her you were pregnant very soon afterwards and you put your energy into that.

I like that. And it is true.

Do you think though that somehow it's like saying "well just get pg again and you'll get over it?"

 

[KittyKat]

I think there's a BIG difference between saying "I got PG soon after my m/c and focused my attention on that" (statement of personal experience) and saying "YOU should get PG again, and in getting PG you'll get over it" (projection of your experience onto someone else's life).

Be there for her, tell her about m/c support places available. Get her a copy of a book on m/c if you think she'd benefit. And by all means, tell her how you felt. Saying honestly how you felt is possible while still affirming her experience and her own emotions. Listen to her, and if you can, try to remember stuff like when her due date would have been. A lot of women feel very sad and alone at that time, especially if they are not PG again. Most people have "moved on" or forgotten, and the remembrance of the date brings it all back. Someone who is there to say "I know this time may be hard for you. I'm thinking of you" can make all the difference.

Kathryn

 

[Raven]

I dont want to sound presumptious (sp?) but maybe your friend feels much like you did when you had a m/c but feels conflicted because she may have internal or external pressure to feel more pained or stressed or sad and she's turning to you because you're the one person she knows who she can relate to and maybe wants to hear exactly how you felt in the hope of easing her own feelings - whatever they may be....... Im just theorising here..... At the end of the day I believe being honest is the best approach... the challenge lies in being tactful and gentle about it. Personally I would say something along the lines of, "I was sad when I had my m/c but I internalised it quickly because I already had a child and soon fell pg again. Maybe I would've felt differently if my situation was different, I dont know. I do know that there is no right or wrong way to feel and that each woman deals with her loss in their own way." I like the idea of telling about these forums and giving her info that may help her heal.

Peace