[BaaBaa]

Dh works evenings, he gets home at about 2:30am and is in bed by 3 most nights. im a sahm, and dd 18 mo is up 7-8am

what time would you expect dh to get out of bed in the AM on weekdays? what about on weekends? let him sleep as long as he wants or expect him to join the family at some point?

 

[mushka3000]

I can answer from the flipside; I'm a WOHM on a late schedule who brings work home and has insomnia so I am often awake until 2.30 am or 3 am. I'd like to sleep until 9.30-10 am. During the week I try to be awake before 9 and when I am tired enough I go to bed earlier/wake-up earlier. Ideally in the weekend I'd leap out of bed early and give my DH a restful sleep-in while I take care of the toddler. But I don't

My DH sleeps typically sleeps 11.30 pm -7.30 am. (Our 19-month old typically sleeps 9.30 pm - 3.30 am then nurses and sleeps again until 8 am. She has a 2 hour nap mid-day.)

ETA: I realised that my schedule doesn't have much direct relevance I typically WOHM 10am-6pm and so have morning and evening family time but am gone for most of the day.

 

[Adallae]

Off the top of my head, I would say 7 hours of sleep is reasonable, but I think it depends on your DH. How many hours does he need to function?

Nighttime and early morning parenting is very lopsided in our house because DH is useless if he doesn't get enough sleep. I can get by just fine on 5 to 6 hours, less for short periods of time. I do work from home, but the fact that I can stay in my pjs and my schedule's somewhat flexible make my day easier (as far as work is concerned, the parenting part's a different story

). He has insomnia and I know he doesn't sleep well, so I try to let him get what he needs, but I don't sacrifice my sanity. If I need a sleep in day, I just say so. The general rule is that as soon as he wakes up (on weekends), I get a break, and no one sleeps past 9. I do expect him to get up and join the family.

 

[BaaBaa]

I might add that he leaves for work at 2pm, which means that if i wake him when we get up, we have 6 hours together per day (the 3 of us, and no alone time).

so to add another question to this- how much time to you have with your DH/DW per day alone? how about with the kids?

 

[ledzepplon]

I know that I need 8 hours of sleep to feel really good. I'm not sure what your dh's sleep patterns are like, but I think waking someone who's still sleeping before the 8 hour mark (unless there is a special need to) is definitely not ideal.

It sounds like this work schedule is really tough for you. Is there any way you could help him find another shift or job? That's where I'd focus my energies.

 

[snoopy5386]

I would NOT wake him when you get up, that is only 5 hours of sleep a night! I would wake him around 11 or so.

 

[tinuviel_k]

Wow! Leaving for work at 2pm and not getting off work until 2:30am sounds really awful.

I would definitely let him sleep as needed until 11am. If I were on a long work schedule like that I would NEED a full 8 hours of sleep. It stinks that a 11am wake time would only give you all 3 hours together, but I can't imagine pulling a 12 hour, middle-of-the-night work day and being able to function on less sleep.

 

[mariekitt24]

well, I feel really guilty about my answer, but my husband probably gets an average of 6 hours of sleep a night. I have not handled the transition from stay at home wife with nothing to do to mommy life very well and I know I have some post partum depression, plus my back hurts all the time from our heavy kid.. so my husband gets saddled with most of the baby watching while I try not to fall apart. We never get alone time because we have no friends or family available to watch the baby, and right now life is really just a game of survival for us, and my husbands sleep is what suffers the most. I don't think you have to listen to what anyone says about letting him sleep in, you guys have to do what works best for you as a couple, and if you happen to need him to wake up earlier for your own sanity, and HIS sanity can stay intact, so be it I say. I know my husbands a stronger person than I am so he also takes on a heavier load. I feel guilty about it.. but still, we gotta do what we gotta do.
eta: I think its okay to be upset that you feel you dont get to spend enough time with him. its true. sure he needs his sleep too, but you need him awake as well. Just try to be reasonable, compromise. I feel like I can totally relate to your feelings. Even if the "right" thing were to just let him get his sleep, it doesnt change the fact that you're feeling cheated or overworked or missing him or whatever.. your feelings arent just going to go away even if you were in the wrong. which is why its not really other people's opinions that matter, or whats right or wrong, its just a matter of finding a compromise that you can live with whether its totally fair or not.
my opinion is definitely dont let him sleep as long as he wants, unless of course you feel like you can handle it and feel like being nice. but, let him get a reasonable amount of sleep, at the same time. you know what I mean?

 

[LynnS6]

He needs 8 hours of sleep. Most people get too little sleep and it's dangerous to your health. Too little sleep leads to lower cognitive function (driving while too tired can be as risky as driving while otherwise impaired), it can lead higher risk of obesity and heart disease, mood swings, and probably other things that I can't remember.

That being said, I do think that it is reasonable to ask him to get up in time (by 10-11) one day of the weekend to do something with the family.

 

[Proxi]

My DH works until 1:30 most nights, but when he comes home he is usually still too awake to head to bed, so stays up until 3 am usually. We don't have kids yet though, so I let him sleep as late as he wants. Once we had kids it would really depends... Probably a mix of as late as he wants and "Get up to help me out".

 

[Drummer's Wife]

I was going to say I would think he'd get up around noon - but your options didn't go that late. If waking him up is something you two agree on, I would say let him sleep until 11 am. That's 8 hours, IF he goes to bed by 3 am. I don't know about him, but most people need some time to decompress after working, especially if it is a 12-hr shift. On the weekends, if he doesn't work the evening before, I would prefer him to get up closer to when we get up, just so we had more time to spend together.

3 hours together on the days he works is pretty normal, I think - even for families that have someone working 8-5 type of hours. They get home around 6 pm, eat dinner, etc., and I assume most kids go to bed before 9 ish (mine don't, but we aren't the exactly the norm).

 

[BetsyS]

We have a typical 9-5 schedule. Although my dh leaves at 6, and he gets home around 6. My kids go to bed at 7, and they wake up around 7, which leaves about 1 hour a day of daddy/kid time.

That's not really enough, but it has to do for now (they are beasts if they stay up later...they really need a lot of sleep).

I'd say that aiming for 3 hours of family time a day is probably reasonable. If your dh leaves at 2, and it takes him 30 minutes to get ready, and you are doing the preparation of lunch, then him getting up around 11 gives him both 8 hours of sleep, plus 2.5 hours with your little one. Which is reasonable for a weekday, imo.

I used to work nights, and sleeping enough during the day was important. Without enough sleep, those working hours between about 3 and 5 are just brutal. Your dh doesn't have the same hours (I used to work 7p-7a), but getting enough sleep is still important.

 

[doubledutch]

i said 11am, and i think that should be weekdays and weekends (or noon at the latest on weekends). it's important to maintain a regular sleep schedule. getting, say, six hours during the week and sleeping in super late on the weekends (past noon?) isn't healthy. besides, if you get him up early when he's working and then he tries to make up for that sleep on the weekend, you don't gain any time with him. you basically lose the weekend to his sleep needs.

it's too bad that you two don't get any alone time on the days/nights he works, but three hours of family time is great - i mean, amazing - because most wohp get home just in time for dinner and then the kids go to bed. you two can, presumably, catch up on alone/couple time on the weekends when your lo naps or has gone to bed, or by swapping babysitting with another family maybe.

does he work five shifts a week? or is he working four 10s?

 

[beanma]

Why are you waking him up at all? Isn't he an adult? Can't he get himself up with an alarm clock or possibly ask you to wake him?

I've been married 16 years and have two kids and I've never woken my husband unless he specifically told me he had a meeting in the morning (or something along those lines) or he didn't hear his alarm. He set his own alarm every morning that he needs to get up for work. On the weekends he usually wakes when we do or at least by 9. He usually goes to bed around 1 or 2am. Occasionally he will sleep until 10. I would never wake him. He's a grown up!

Btw, most families that are on regular shifts don't get much more than 3 hrs with the kids. Let's say dad has a 9-5 job. He needs to be out of the house by 8:30. He gets up at 7:30 and spends that time getting ready and eating. He would get to interact with the kids a little bit then. He gets home at 5:30 or 6. Family eats dinner until 7 and then the kids are in bed by 8. That's reality for the typical day shift family. (Not that mine is typical, but that's another story...)

 

[woodchick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BaaBaa so to add another question to this- how much time to you have with your DH/DW per day alone? how about with the kids?

Right now DH and I have 0 hours alone on a normal day. We're all awake from 6:30 on- Breakfast, showers, DH leaves for work. I'm home all day with the girls. He gets home around 5 and we do dinner, bath, bedtime for DD1, short nap for DD2. Then DD2 is awake with us until around 10 when we all go to bed.

It's a temporary thing, because we're following DD2's sleep needs, and we know it won't last forever.

 

[Chicky2]

I voted wake him up at 11. Except that I wouldn't really wake up my dh. He is a grown up and knows how to use an alarm clock.

We get no alone time during the week. He leaves around 7 each morning, and he gets home around 7 (hour drive each way). Then we eat and all hang out as a family for an hour or two and then everyone has livestock chores to do before bed. Kids wake around 8. I'm up when the littlest wakes me (8-9), unless I need to get up for my MIL (twice a week).

Alone time on the weekends happens IF we have time after family time and sometimes he has to work one day.

 

[mommariffic]

DH and I are on very different schedules

Unless he's trekking into Manhattan [I shouldn't say trek, it's like 10 minutes] he mostly works from home. So regardless of what time he gets up we are there to interrupt/have lunch with him unless we have other plans.

His company works with a ton of overseas clients, and he's a night owl. Put the two together and you have someone who's up until 2-3 and 4 even most nights without fail. I on the other hand am pregnant, and go to bed around 9pm...even NOT pregs I tend to go to bed earlier than him [think 10ish] and I love waking up early and getting a good start on my day.

I let him sleep until whenever - on the weekdays we are normally on the go. I have a mothers helper 3x per week and I write so by 10 I'm at my desk for a few hours [like now, hardly working, nice right?] or we are going to play dates, errands, etc.

I don't care if he sleeps in because without sleep he's a total douche.

 

[choli]

I'd say the way to get the best answer to this would be to ask your DH "Do you want me to wake you up in the mornings?" If the answer is yes, then ask him what time he would like you to wake him. If the answer is no, then allow his level of tiredness to dictate when he wakes up. Cos strangers on a message board can't really know how much sleep he needs or how tired he is.

 

[Altair]

My partner and I work opposite shifts, each FT, and we use no childcare... so we have 0 minutes together today, either alone or as a family. On the weekends, he lets me sleep until 10 (baby wakes between 8-9) then we have the rest of the time together.

On weekdays,
I leave 6:45AM
Baby/Dad wake up 8-9
I get home before 3, Dad leaves for work
Baby in bed at 7
Dad gets home between 10PM-3AM, so maybe we have time together, usually not.

 

[Althetrainer]

I would let him sleep as long as he wants. If I were the one working until the wee hours I would love to be able to sleep until I feel enough. So I would do the same for him. Unless he asked me to wake him up at a certain hour, I would just let him sleep. But again, my husband usually sleeps only 5.5 hours, he probably will wake up before 9 a.m. anyway. Al