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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

First of all I hope this is in the right forum.

I've recently started looking after a 2.5 yr old girl one or two days a week.
My dd [14 months] seems to be having MAJOR issues with her. My dd has
always been super attached to me and just recently has become more
comfortable with being around others without me. Since this little girl has
been coming here my dd has bit her, cried for hours [and I mean hours with
no calming her down] and is generally miserable when. It turns into a competition for toys and my attention.

I'm starting to wonder if doing this homecare is such a good idea. This little girl is fine, the usual stealing of toys and stuff like that. That seems to really provoke DD.
My dd swipes at me and bites me when she's over. A lot of the time I can not pay 100% attention to my dd, although I'm always talking to her, telling her what I'm doing and where I'm going in the room. If I need to leave the room she comes with me. She still get VERY upset and cries until i pick her up. She also spends a great deal of time trying to nurse and I know she doesn't normally nurse as much, so she is reacting to her stress by nursing.

How would you all deal with her behaviour? Is now not a good time to take
care of another child??? am I doing harm to my dd??? Or should I just keep going with it and hope she can deal with it eventually?? She gets overstimulated i think, she went to bed at 5:30 today [just after the little girl left] !!! I just don't know how to deal with her behaviour and I would hate to think I'm causing my dd stress that can be avoided.

Sorry this post is all over the place, I'm trying to gather my thoughts!

--Angela
 

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Wow. It sounds like you've got your hands full.


I don't really know what to suggest. It could be that your DD just isn't dealing with this well at all, and maybe you should put a stop to it. OTOH, it could be that with the right techniques and approaches you can make it alot easier on her. Maybe if you gave us some specific examples of incidents that happen and what you do about them...?
 

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Is wearing DD an option? When I am watching children I sometimes wear DS on my back if he is teething or feeling like he needs more mama time. Once he gets his fill he is more content to play with others. (he is only 11.5 months, though)

Jennifer
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Piglet68
Wow. It sounds like you've got your hands full.


I don't really know what to suggest. It could be that your DD just isn't dealing with this well at all, and maybe you should put a stop to it. OTOH, it could be that with the right techniques and approaches you can make it alot easier on her. Maybe if you gave us some specific examples of incidents that happen and what you do about them...?
hi,
well lets see one example would be when I need to bring the daycare girl to the potty. I don't feel 100% comfortable just leaving my DD alone in a roome so I've put a bunch of toys in the tub and I'll sit her in there while I lift the little girl onto the potty. Occasionally I'll tell my dd that I'm taking her to the bathroom and just let her follow us, so I"ve tried both tactics. In the tub she tries to get out while screaming and crying [not safe and I have to tell her NO because my hands are full holding the little girl] and if I don't take her with me, she follows and screams and cries to get me and then I'm dealing with getting the little girl off the potty and trying to hold my dd back. Is this enough of an example? I mean sometimes its because the little girl wants to sit in my lap and read with me, i grab her and my dd wants to climb on too, then my dd tries to slap and bite the little girl [she HAS bitten her once, i felt terrible]. I don't want to totally stop taking care of this little girl, i really like her and we need the $$$, but I'm not sure about the cost to my dd. My husband doesn't agree though, he thinks she just needs to deal with it. I'm not so sure. She's only 14 months old!

The little girl's mother and I have decided that it will mostly be half days, occasionally full days. I'm sure there will still be issues, but at least they won't go on for 8 hours!

I wrote another novel!
sorry and thanks for listening

--Angela
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Juniper
Is wearing DD an option? When I am watching children I sometimes wear DS on my back if he is teething or feeling like he needs more mama time. Once he gets his fill he is more content to play with others. (he is only 11.5 months, though)

Jennifer
It is an option sometimes, but I have a really OLD metal frame carrier that hurts if I wear it for too long, like more then 30 min. I'd love an Ergo but we are really strapped for cash right now. DD loves the backpack [or cac cac as she calls it]. I'll try it next week, but she usually doesn't stay in it for long. Maybe it will be just the thing to give her a little mama time though.

Thanks

--Angela
 

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i could have written your paot and was coming here to do so!!!!!!!
so i REALLY hope mor emoms come and post advice!

i feel very torn , my day care girl is only 5 months so i have tried to do what piglet suggested adn just wear her in the sling (as my dd is almost 2 adn too big for that for the most part)

my dd has hit her and pulled at her several times every day she has been here (which has been only3 days so far, every other day this week but starting full time next week)

i feel the same way....i have stayed at home and we have made EVERY financial sacrifice for me to do so, i have taken in other childeren and done other odd jobs i could do with dd in the sling etc....

this is the only YOUNGER child i have sat with

all of mine have been at least 5 years old or older and they have been little to no problem for dd, infact usually a help to her and i !

but this job is a BUNCH of $$$$$$$$$$$$$

i here people say that they have to put their dc in day care b/c their need for $$$ is too great.

well i feel in a way, that we have made major financial sacrifices for dd's early childhood (gone into deabt a little more every month since she was born... adn this is just for basic food sheltor and used clothes..)

and that she has had everything revolve around her ideal lifestyle....everything...i have worked my butt of to make her life like that

so maybe it is time for her to understand that she needs to sacrifice for her family some too.

although one of the first thing my dd did this morning was slap me in the face.......

and it sucks that i spend so much tim enow either worrying over her sanity/stability/wellbeing
and then the other time looking at her and feeling fustration at her behavior!

how do you handle your dd when she hurts the other girl?
i feel like i am handling it all wrong
in the moment

have your explained to your dd that they are giving you $$ to take care of her adn that you NEED that $$ to live (house food car treats for dd)

of that many kids have to be away from their moms all day, and that you think that is sad, even for little girl, and that YOU are making this babysit situtation so that you can still be at home with dd and still make $$$

or that bringing this girl into your life does not mean that you love, value or need your dd any less

i know she is kind of young to understand all of this...but it might help if you watered it down, and just tried explaining

i am going to try and do this today with dd....our little baby comes again tomorrow
and then we go full time on monday

most of the day my dd seems to enjoy "helping" me take care of the baby and also we do have fun together

it is just i have noticed this situation bring out this whole other side of my dd that is very angry, violent, and alomost crazy that i have never seen before....

so any adivce on the balance act that we can do as mothers in this situation would be great!

thanks!
 

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Angela,

Would it be possible for the little girl to use a potty on the floor instead of using the toliet. That way you wouldn't really need to lift her. Perhaps her mother would be willing to buy one for you. The other think I suggest is having some books in the bathroom including potty training books, so you could read while the little girl is using the potty. You might even want two copies so the little girl could read one while you and your daughter read the other.

You might want to read a book about sibiling rivalry such as "Siblings Without Rivalry"
by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish since what you seem to be dealing with is jealousy.

When my SIL watched my DD when she was an infant for 4 days a week. My nephew who was 5 at the time had a hard time with it. He was used to being the baby of the family and didn't appericate another baby being there. It got better but it wasn't easy.

Good Luck,

Angela
 

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If you can get a long piece of cloth (even a twin sheet), there are directions to turn it into a wrap at mamtoto.org. I really like mine for back carries. I just babysat an 11 m.o. and dd (16 mo) had some problems with it as well. I talked him up as a "baby" and gave her her doll so she could parallel play what I was doing with the baby. That worked well, but I'm not sure what I would have done with an older child.
 

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Are you planning to have any more children yourself? If so I am kind of the same opinion as your DH. Not that I want to put it that rudely but she kind of does need to get over it. I would try everything I could think of to make the adjustment easier but the fact is that most children have to learn to share mommy and its never easy. If you stop sitting for this little girl you will be teaching your little one that if she is that upset then you will just get rid of whatever is upsetting her. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that. Good luck.
 

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I just wanted to suggest you might try Bach Flower Remedies -

Rescue (for stress)
Walnut (for change)
Holly (for jealousy)
Chicory - for letting go - in a healthy way.

Maybe start with one or two if you have them

Hope this helps!
 

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First of all, what a lucky mom to have an AP parent watch her child! When I had ds in daycare, that was my fondest wish. But now I do a care share with another crunchy mom, so it's worked out great.

The other child is 18 months, and my child is 23 months, and they have a lot of fun and get along great. But recently the 18 month old has been getting a little fussy. I think 14 months is a difficult period for them too (separation anxiety or stranger anxiety. I forget which exactly.), so it may not have been the most ideal time to start with the child care thing (though I'm not sure what would have been). But I think that it's probably a developmental thing and also an adjustment thing. I know that my ds had to go through an adjustment phase at daycare when he was there, and grew to absolutely love it. He came to appreciate the other kids (as much as toddlers can). One of his care workers gave me a great observation - toddlers don't want other kids too close, but they also don't want them too far (they interact at least in their own way), so it's a balance. Perhaps after a while your dd will find that balance. But I say, don't give up.
 

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Don't have too much time right now. I do think that you can work through this, especially if the job is important to you. My DD had to adjust to a new sibling. I gave lots of preparation time...but she was older than yours at the time and had some limited understanding. Your DH's point is all very well and good, but it's not fair to give a child one style of parenting and then decide one day WHAMMO you've-had-it-good-and-now-its-time-to-just-deal-with-it. Totally NOT fair. Not to mention your child is just a baby herself...geez, not even 2 yet.

So take it situation by situation and brainstorm. Wearing your DD is a great idea, especially for things like the potty. I also agree with whoever asked if you could use a little potty so you wouldn't need to help her up on it, and also you wouldn't have to interrupt whatever your DD was doing to drag her off to the bathroom.

For each situation I'm sure you can find a solution. That is what I've learned as a mum of two, that I have to just think ahead and plan ahead. The two sitting on your lap I can so relate to, lol. That doesn't usually happen 'round here either.


Just recognize your DD is acting this way because she is distressed, and it's a time when she is not quite able to understand alot of what is going on. What she needs is alot of sympathy and validation. Reduce all the sources of conflict that you possibly can, and the few that remain will hopefully teach her a bit about patience, frustration, etc with your guidance and support.


Oh yeah, throw us some more situations that are particularly challenging for you and we'll see what else we can come up with.
 
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