[babybugmama]

Okay, I'm at a loss this morning...let me see if I can explain.

Dd is almost 4 and is NOT a snuggler. I try very hard to respect her wishes, I don't kiss or hug her unless she's okay with it. But sometimes it feels like we go days with so little contact. And I know I'm exaggerating, b/c there's lots of touches here, there and in between. But not HUGS and kisses...KWIM? I tried to hug her good morning and she backed away from me like I'm a leper. I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom so she wouldn't see my tears. I don't want to guilt her into hugging me, KWIM? She was always very physically affectionate when younger and now it just seems to change. She still gives her daddy hugs and kisses, usually at bedtime, but she'll tell me she doesn't want to give them to me. I've handled it well until now. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, I dunno...but this is killin me.

It makes me feel afraid that our bond is lacking, that I'm not giving her something she needs to want to hug me...

She's not special needs or asperger/autism spectrum, she is spirited and very lively...

Am I destined to just not get hugs and kisses or get them rarely or is there something I can do?

 

[Clarinet]

That must be so hard.

Do you think it could be a pre-baby phase? My only advice is to keep offering but let her know it's OK when she says no. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[LeftField]

I'm sorry. :-( My oldest son is like this. He's sensory avoiding and apparently finds light touches upsetting. So, he does give quick hugs but he's not really huggy or snuggly. He won't hug anyone wearing sleeveless shirts because he dislikes the feeling of skin, he says. If I want to kiss him, I have to kiss him on his shirt or or his hair. If he does give a kiss, it's going to be on someone's sleeve and very fleeting.

For a while, I took it personally, because I'm a huggy person with my kids and my little one is such a snuggler. And it did seem like dh got more of the hugs than I did. It still bugs me on some level, but I just had to let it go. I can live with infrequent hugs and kisses on the top of the head, if that's what he wants. When I feel sad about it, I try to spend more time with him doing the things he likes, like reading to him. Or I might go out to dinner or on an errand with just him. Then, it feels like our bond is solid and I realize that physical affection is just one way of displaying a bond like that.

 

[bobica]

 

[pearlgirl]

 

[phathui5]

She's four. Try not to read too deep into it. She doesn't want to hug. I would recommend dropping the subject altogether and not asking her for physical affection and just letting her initiate contact.

 

[teachma]

My oldest is like this, too, and like a pp said, it is a sensory issue for him as well. I can kiss him quickly, but "not on my skin, only on my clothes." And while he doesn't like hugs, he ddoes like to "wrestle" or to have me play fight with him. While we're doing those things, I get my close time in with him. It's hard and makes me sad sometimes, especially since my other child is super affectionate. So I understand how you feel.

 

[babybugmama]

I know it's not a sensory thing...

Probably what phathui said...let her be and let her come. It's hard though.

 

[corhorvath]

My 4 yo dd was never a snuggler. When she was a baby, she completely disliked being swaddled or held for long. She would squirm and push us away. She's always liked her independence, so I gave it to her (no, I didn't leave her alone as a baby, but I didn't force her to stay in my arms swaddled). She has become more snuggly since age 2, so I can't completely relate to your current experiences, but I like what a pp said about finding things that she does like.

Somehow, we got into a "hello hug" and "good-bye huggies". If I've been home for thirty minutes and haven't hugged her, I stop, put my hands on my waist and say with excitement, "hey! wait a minute! I didn't get my hello hug!" She smiles and runs over to hug me and kiss me. It developed naturally somehow, but it was something that she was ok with and has lasted for years. She also loves to have her back rubbed or lightly tickled when she goes to bed. Now that we have a 4 month old, she also wants to be held like a baby--finally after all these years, she wants me to hold her like a baby. It's a shame she weighs 40 lbs!!

I can relate to those yearnings of wanting your child to want you to hold them, kiss them, etc. Maybe you can ask her for a suggestion?? Nothing too heavy, just something like, "Ok, no hugs, but what can I/we do instead? Can I tickle your ears? Can I hold you upside down? Can I kiss you ontop of the head? " I imagine myself saying "because if I have to chase you around the house to tickle it out of you, I will." But, that's because I know she loves to be both chased and tickled-it makes her happy. So, maybe you can find a way to talk her about it but be playful about it at the same time.

 

[HollyBearsMom]

Co-sleeping works for me! I get to snuggle all I want with no resistance and in the AM we have the snuggle game. Its get me thru the days when he doesn't want to hug and kiss.

 

[babybugmama]

Well we did cosleeping for a long time and she will still come get in bed with me from time to time. Honestly though? When we do sleep together, no one gets any sleep. She's a rough bed partner...kicking, flopping arms in face, etc. Which then wakes me, as well as her...leading to crabby days...

So I do take naps with her when she naps, but the nighttime just got too rough for us.

I have tried the complete no pressure thing and while I haven't gotten hugs, I have gotten more touches and such.