[guest]

I am a regular here and asked Cynthia for a guest account as I know many MDC mommas IRL.

I think I want to leave my husband.

I met him when I was very young and there is a 11 year old difference between us. We had our kids when I was very young. I was never really "in love" with him, but every time I'd try to leave him he would be so emotionally devastated that I couldn't go.

So it's five years later and my feelings haven't changed at all.

We make good friends. But I feel like I'm almost emotionally abused by the way he reacts to my feelings... my feelings being that I'm really not in love with him and really don't want to be with him. When I gave him an ultimatum not too long ago, he kept me up for days crying hysterically, making long eloquent speeches about how he'll change and make me love him again, that we were soulmates, that he would die inside and never, ever be happy or the same person ever again, etc. I mean, the emotional outpouring was relentless for a solid week until I backed down out of pity and sheer exhaustion.

We have argued over the same exact thing since we first got together. I never felt like we were a real couple, anyway. He'd go to bed separately, wake up separately, never want to have sex, never want to hang out, talk, cuddle, nothing! So we fought the same fight every month since we first got together! Each time he'd cry and profess his undying love and his committment to change and then a week later it was like we never even had the conversation.

I've tried leaving him four times. Each time I get more and more angry and frustrated because he just won't let me go.

We aren't very comfortable financially either. We have no insurance and he can't afford psychological help, therapy, medication, etc. We are in the negative by the end of every month just covering basic living expenses. So I have no idea how I would support myself or how he would support himself if he was the one to go. We can't even pay one set of bills much less two sets of bills.

And then there is the children. My oldest ds's greatest fear is his parents splitting up. He actually made me promise one day, after one of his friends' parents moved out during a separation, that I would never ever allow our famioly to break up.

I'm miserable and confused. I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I hate him for the fact that he keeps telling me my feelings aren't real and that if he changes I'll love him again and not want to leave.

Advice? help???

 

[tug]

i hate to say this but it sounds to me like you have to leave. it sounds unbearable. i'm so sorry for you and your children.

 

[KalamazooMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by guest We make good friends. And then there is the children. My oldest ds's greatest fear is his parents splitting up. He actually made me promise one day, after one of his friends' parents moved out during a separation, that I would never ever allow our famioly to break up. I'm miserable and confused. I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I hate him for the fact that he keeps telling me my feelings aren't real and that if he changes I'll love him again and not want to leave. Advice? help???

Since you say you make good friends, I'm wondering if you could just focus on the positive and try to trat him like a friend? I know it's not ideal, but for the sake of the kids perhaps you could just try to stay together and not expect any more out of him than you would a friend. I guess I just really feel for your children and I think it would rip my heart out to "break up" the family especially since as you say one of your kids has already expressed a big fear of that.

Sometimes I think people have unrealistic notions of marriage and partners. It would be nice if we had romance, passion, etc. between us, but it doesn't always happen. So maybe you could think of a way to make the relationship work for the sake of the family, and just get along well enough to raise your kids.

I do sympathize with your situation, and hope you both can come to some resolution.

 

[stafl]

there are no easy answers to your questions. He is being manipulative and emotionally abusive towards you. This is not a healthy relationship, and I think you know that deep down inside. You keep trying to leave, but he keeps talking you into staying. He knows exactly what to say. He says he'll change to get you back, then he never follows through. He won't ever change if he doesn't want to, and there's nothing you can do about that. You do have control over your own life and your own situation though. It's not up to him, it's up to you. What do you really want to do? What are you going to do? Those questions are for you to answer for yourself. Once you answer those questions, don't let anything he says change your mind.

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KalamazooMom Since you say you make good friends, I'm wondering if you could just focus on the positive and try to trat him like a friend? I know it's not ideal, but for the sake of the kids perhaps you could just try to stay together and not expect any more out of him than you would a friend. I guess I just really feel for your children and I think it would rip my heart out to "break up" the family especially since as you say one of your kids has already expressed a big fear of that. Sometimes I think people have unrealistic notions of marriage and partners. It would be nice if we had romance, passion, etc. between us, but it doesn't always happen. So maybe you could think of a way to make the relationship work for the sake of the family, and just get along well enough to raise your kids. I do sympathize with your situation, and hope you both can come to some resolution.

I totally DO NOT feel it's unrealistic to want to be IN LOVE with your husband, and be with someone you WANT to stay with. I also don't think it's 'unrealistic' to want someone who's not emotionally manipulative.

I think it's unfair to YOU, to just 'be friends' with your husband. You deserve love, and a loving, intimate relationship. Your children deserve parents who are either in love, or honest enough with themselves to call it quits when it's not working. What would you be teaching your children by staying in a loveless marriage? Do you feel you'd resent your children if you stayed with this man 'simply' for them? (I say 'simply', but know it's not 'simple' at all!)..

Take care of YOU and your children. Get out of this relationship if that's what you feel is best for you and your kids. Please be good to yourself.

 

[LoveChild421]

I'm with you MomBirthmomStepmom! I grew up with parents who were "just friends" and my notions of marriage and love and self-respect got all screwed up- it isn't healthy for the kids for them to have to see him manipulating you and being unloving toward you and then go blubbering around and get his way.

If it were me I would just explain to him that we are no longer together- we are roommates and co-parenting- not married- and discreetly see other people- that way the kids still have both parents under one roof and I could seek fulfilling romantic relationships.

BTW, I had an ex-boyfriend who was just like this- did nothing to keep the relationship tolerable but then would turn to mush if I broke it off. Well, it didn't take him long to find a "replacement" and carry on with his co-dependency once I got the nerve to say "why do I care about his feelins if he doesn't care about mine" and hit the road!

 

[KalamazooMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveChild421 : If it were me I would just explain to him that we are no longer together- we are roommates and co-parenting- not married- and discreetly see other people- that way the kids still have both parents under one roof and I could seek fulfilling romantic relationships.

Well I guess that's mostly what I was trying to suggest. You cooperate and get along in so far as you have the kids to raise. You can be "friendly" toward one another and have limited / positive interactions as it relates to the family and the kids. To me it's like when you have to work with people who you don't really like. You get along in order to get the work done. I think if you're discreet with outside relationships that would be negotiable between you and your partner.

What I was saying before was that I just don't think every marriage can be full of love and romance and passion. I guess I just see it more utilitarian or something. You come together as a family unit to raise kids and get them prepared to go off in the world. You may see that as a cynical view, but I think it's just what happens and there's nothing wrong with it as long as the kids are healthy and happy. Sure some partners are passionatly in love for years and years and I think that's wonderful. I just don't think absolutley everyone can expect that.

Not trying to be snarky, just a realist I think.

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I guess my problem with that is, how would your children feel when they learn about your 'discreet' affairs? Even if your partner is aware of it, don't you think your children would still see it as an affair? As in: 'Mom and dad still live together, for all intents and purposes in MY eyes, they are TOGETHER and a COUPLE, but mom is seeing someone else?!?!'.... See what I mean?

That might not be how it REALLY is, but that's how it would be seen in your kids eyes, and well, that would SUCK IMO, for my child to EVER think that of me.... That's just me though....

I'm divorced though, and maybe that's where I'm coming from. I was much happier to teach my child to get out of a loveless marriage, than to stay and 'be discreet' with others, if that makes sense....

 

[Storm Bride]

I have to disagree with the "we make good friends" statement. His behaviour is emotionally manipulative. He's playing the pity card while simultaneously wearing you down with his over-emotional tirades. This is an unhealthy relationship, not a friendship or a healthy marriage.

I don't see the major problem here as being that you're not in love. If a couple are really friends, I think they can make a marriage work. In fact, I think that's the real foundation of a healthy marriage. But, a man who belittles and dismisses your feelings, uses your compassion as a shackle and makes endless promises that he doesn't keep is not a friend in any way.

The single biggest issue I see here is your son. You've made a somewhat rash promise yourself...and I don't see how you can keep it. If you do leave (which is what I think I'd do...especially as counselling is unavailable) he's going to feel betrayed.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. One of my ex's many, many tricks was pulling the pity card...it kept me around a lot longer than I should have stayed. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[guest]

I agree with most of what you gals said.

Our finances are not good. We barely get by with one set of bills. One of us would need to be practically homeless in order for us to separate. We did try a "friends raising the kids under the same roof" thing when I said I wanted an open marriage, but once I found someone to have fun with dh freaked and couldnt handle sharing me because he loved me too much.

I just really am stuck I guess. there's no way to afford a separate living arrangement for either one of us.

 

[stafl]

contact women's and family services or whatever they call it in your area. They can help. You don't have to live on the street if you leave, and you can't expect him to leave on his own volition if he doesn't want to go. don't let the financial situation be your latest excuse to put up with the abuse. You don't have to put up with being treated poorly, not for any reason at all!

 

[A&A]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveChild421 I'm with you MomBirthmomStepmom! I grew up with parents who were "just friends" and my notions of marriage and love and self-respect got all screwed up- it isn't healthy for the kids for them to have to see him manipulating you and being unloving toward you and then go blubbering around and get his way. If it were me I would just explain to him that we are no longer together- we are roommates and co-parenting- not married- and discreetly see other people- that way the kids still have both parents under one roof and I could seek fulfilling romantic relationships.

This is a good way to screw up the kids' perspective of marriage, as well.

You can't save people from themselves. He will have to find a way to be happy without you........it's not your responsibility to make him happy.

You don't have to stay forever, and you don't have to leave right now, either. Start a long-range plan. Get a job (if you don't already have one), and start squirreling money away where your dh can't touch it. Find out what services are available in your area for single moms. Start discreetly talking to friends about whether or not you'd be able to move in for awhile if you left your dh. Be careful. Sometimes emotionally abusive people can turn physically abusive.