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There is another family that we do not get together with anymore. (very long story) We have not seen them in over six months. Out of the blue about two weeks ago my oldest (4yo) asked me to call their DS & DD to play. I told him that they were busy and that seemed to suffice.<br><br>
In the last few days he has repeatedly asked me to call them to get together. It's just not going to happen. My first instinct was to tell him that they had moved far away and we can't play with them anymore. However, I feel terrible about lying to him. The true reasons are all "adult" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
How can I explain to him that we are not going to see these friends anymore?
 

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this is soooo hard. I too look forward to the responses.<br>
We got "dropped" this past fall after ds broke his leg by who I thought was a very good friend - our kids played together everyday.<br>
It was AWFUL. Ds would ask EVERYDAY.<br><br>
She would give no reason( still won't) and say- that she was just busy( at the mall with another friend)<br>
I would try to be honest- honey- we have lots of friends and we spend time with lots of people. XYZ are not really people we are going to see too much of anymore cause ..... whatever reason- if you can tell the truth tell it. MAKE sure he knows it was NOT him to cause a rift.<br>
If you are friendly enough you could try to still set up a monthly playdate...?<br>
This is very very hard. I have been thru this and I HATE it.<br>
I can take adult rejection( well- not really...lol) But DON"T mess with my kiddos!<br>
Ugh....<br>
Em
 

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Discussion Starter #3
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7980316"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I f you are friendly enough you could try to still set up a monthly playdate...?</div>
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Unfortunately, not an option... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7980316"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This is very very hard. I have been thru this and I HATE it.<br>
I can take adult rejection( well- not really...lol) But DON"T mess with my kiddos!<br>
Ugh....<br>
Em</div>
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I don't know if I feel better or worse that other people are going through this... sorry you are dealing with this as well.
 

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I know.<br>
Hugs mama....<br>
It is really hard.<br>
My biggest suggestion that helped was to just take it as an oppurtunity to spend time with other friends and form more relationships.....<br>
I tried to get him out when I could....( he was in a partial body cast)<br>
it sucked.....<br>
em
 

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That's so hard. But -- I really urge you not to tell a fib. That starts you down a road I think you will ultimately regret a lot more than the momentarily greater discomfort of telling a general & lite version of the truth.<br><br>
How about "I am sorry that we can't see them. Our families are not going to see each other anymore because of problems with the grownups. It doesn't have anything to do with anything you did. I am sorry it has to be that way but it does. I can explain more when you are older. This probably won't happen with any of your other friends, and I am so sorry it happened with A & B, but it just has to be that way for now. Can you think of something else you would really like to do?"
 

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My ds asked if he could get a helicopter, then maybe he could go see his old friend. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
We had conflicts, the mom and I. I was honest with my son that his friend's mommy and me just don't get along. He still doesn't understand why he can't see his friend though. Why can't we adults just work it out, is the look on his face when we talk about it. (good question wise soul) This is over two years and he still talks about it. It is heart breaking.<br><br>
I have no advice other than be honest, like the pp said. Do not make something up because if they ever do reconnect, your child will feel betrayed.
 

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I've similar situations with kids actually moving away ... I know the emotional context is different but in the end for your child it is pretty much as if this set of friends has moved away -- he's not going to see them. I wouldn't lie, either, but use lots of 'reflective' language when he asks to see them. "You miss x, huh?" "You liked to play such-and-such game with x, didn't you?" and then turn it to something positve, like, "why don't we call y and see if she can come play?" or "why don't you and I go to that park and play that game?" or something just reassuring so he knows it is safe and ok to miss his friends but he still has you and the rest of his social grouping. He doesn't need to know (and doubtless wouldn't understand) your problems with the other parents, and trying to explain that would make little sense. It has nothing to do with his own feelings for his own friends, and doesn't need to.<br><br>
Of course my own ds still misses his friends who have moved away but at least he can let me know when he misses them and we can try to pay some special attention when he is feeling low about a friend who is no longer around.<br><br>
fwiw
 

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I've dealt with exactly this situation with our 6-year-old. Our daughter is now in the same class (in a small town) as the daughter of a former friend. She is a <i>former</i> friend because she chose to end the friendship. Unfortunately, she didn't tell me about this decision until I pinned her down about 2 years after she had supposedly made it, but that's another story! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"><br><br>
The closeness of the girls becoming classmates renewed my daughter's interest in playing with her daughter. Initially, I went with the (also try) "Sorry, we can't. We are doing XXX today". When DD persisted and the frequency of the requests grew, I just said, "No, I don't think that's going to work out. So-and-so's mother doesn't really want to spend time with me any more, so it is hard for you two girls to get together."<br><br>
I think this was followed up by some innocent question about why said mother didn't want to be friends any more. And would have then been answered by me something along the line that because adults are busy, they tend to choose which are their favourite people to maintain friendships with. For all of the curious questions kids ask, they are also surprisingly good and understanding if we just give them that chance. That was the end of it at our house.
 

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For the six-year-olds, can't they still play together? If the mothers don't get along, couldn't you do curbside dropoffs or something? Or meet at the park?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia the Muse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7996935"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">For the six-year-olds, can't they still play together? If the mothers don't get along, couldn't you do curbside dropoffs or something? Or meet at the park?</div>
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Well, I would certainly be willing to do this. . . I'm not imagining that as the years go by, every friend of my daughter's will be a child of one of my friends. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"><br><br>
However in this case, I think that would put undo pressure on the other mom, so I'm laying low unless she initiates it. The undoing of our friendship was that over the years, there were a few occasions where I said something that upset her and rather than discuss this, she let it fester, and I continued unaware.<br><br>
Things finally came to a head some two years after the first of these (what would have/could have been) relative minor comments. Rather than simply "drift apart" this mom would sometimes then renew contact (eg. initiating chat in grocery store and inviting herself & daughter to my house for a Saturday morning playdate, but then never showing up, not calling, and not answering phone when I called). When I eventually confronted her, she expressed great consternation that as someone with a <i>career in advising others how to communicate</i>, she had handled our relationship the way she had. If she can't figure out how to communicate with me in a way that makes her comfortable, I'm not going to initiate even the most basic exchanges. I'm pretty sure the formality of it would just serve as a constant reminder to her of how uncomfortable she felt before.
 

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I feel really badly about this too. I haven't had a falling out with anybody or anything, but I am not super outgoing about making friends, and a couple times when we've gotten together with someone from a tot class, they just fall through the cracks, or we play phone tag and are busy and then I feel too shy to call and they don't. In one case we got along great and I dont' know what happened. But it makes me feel badly, like it's inconsistent for him b/c he enjoyed playing with them. Honestly I find it really hard to find regular playdates. It seems like most moms around here have older kids in school, are busy, and don't seem interested. I just feel like he deserves a couple regular friends.
 

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I would be honest but vague. "We aren't going to get together with them because mommy and friend's mommy aren't friends anymore, so let's do something else fun now."<br><br>
That might be all it takes. If he ask why, just say that some times people are friends for a while and then later aren't friends. Things change.<br><br>
I would try to be a healthy model of letting go of the past and accepting the rythm and flow of life, because eventually your child will have a friendship end. It happens to us all at some point.<br><br>
And then try to change the subject again.
 
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