Mothering Forum banner
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
274 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all -

Well as we all know, I hate to post here ... I discovered this morning that I'm having a m/c just shy of 11 weeks. I'm obviously very sad but am trying not to fall apart b/c of my 3 yo ds. He knew we were having a baby and would talk about the baby. My dh and I told him this am the baby got a boo-boo that couldn't get better and died and he seemed to take it in stride. I'm not sure how much to talk about it - I don't want to get him freaked out about it, ykwim, worrying that maybe something will happen to him. He hasn't said it and I don't want to bring it up - don't want to put any ideas in his head.

Also a couple of times he jumped really hard on me and I said, careful you don't want to hurt the baby. Now obviously he didn't hurt the baby but what if he asks that?

Of course he may not bring it up again in which case I'll just be very matter of fact if he asks why I'm sad - that the baby died and that makes mama sad.

Am I rambling? Do I make sense? Doesn't this all just suck?

Thanks -

Mona
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,190 Posts
Mona, I am sorry this has happened. I recently had a miscarriage at almost 11 weeks too. I had an ultrasound beforehand so I knew the baby stopped growing. I told my 3 1/2 year old that the baby stopped growing and was going to come out of my tummy. When she asked "Why?" I told her that this is something that happens, the baby just wasn't meant to be born. She seemed to accept that. We had to cancel a trip we had planned during this time so I had to tell her what was going on.

After the miscarriage, I saved the baby for us to bury it. I asked her if she wanted to see the baby and she did. I showed her the placenta with the sac and showed her the little baby inside. Again, she accepted it. I told her that the baby came out of my tummy because it wasn't going to grow anymore and be born like a regular baby.

She definately was thinking about it and processing this. She told a few of our friends that "The baby came out of Mama's tummy". A week or so later she asked me where the baby was. I was like, huh? What baby? And she told me "The one that came out of your tummy". It turns out she wanted to show it to the babysitter
: Can you even imagine? I explained to her that our baby was just for our family and it was very special. I also didn't tell her where it was.

I have told her that we are going to make a new baby. She often talks about "The new baby that you are going to make" and all the things we will do with it after it is born and all the things the new baby will need. I think the experience of being included in what has happened has been very good for her. It is a part of life, and a very important part of our family's life so I felt it was important to include her.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope everything proceeds smoothly and peacefully for you Mama

ND
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
I had a m/c at 13 weeks last year in october and a day or so later I told my son that we wont be having this baby and that it had died and i was no longer pregnant. He seemed ok with this answer. He asked why it died and I told him I didnt know and that it happens sometimes and it was nobodys fault.
He asked when daddy was going to give me anouther baby! I told him it would be a while since my body needed to heal and get ready for anouther one.
We never went into detail but waited to see what kind of questions he had and answered his questions honestly. He was sad about it and I had to help him realise that we were all sad about it and its ok to feel disapointed.
It wasnt as hard as I had imagined telling him about it and he asked questions and seemed to feel comfortable talking about it.
I think it helped that we made an effort to seem comfortable talking about it with him and that he should feel comfortable as well talking to us about it.

Im sorry you are faced with this. Losing something so precious is the worst in the world. Hugs to you mama and you will find the right words just listen to your heart.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,450 Posts
to you

I have had 3 losses that my daughter went through at 21 months, just shy of 2 1/2, just over 3. She was always the one that knew we were pregnant first and would tell us. With each loss she knew something was up as we were upset and she could sense it, so we always just told her that the baby had died. With the second loss it was a bit harder as we had 6 weeks of appointments before they could fine out what was wrong with our son, I was 26 weeks along and she had felt the baby kick ect... Once again we just told her that the baby died and she didn't ask any more questions. The last time we didn't speak about it as much, we had visitors and I had a D&C, so it passed with minimal discussion. Not too long ago we were out and my daughter said "I used to have a baby but he died" which really shocked me as it had been way over a year from the one she was talking about. I know she doesn't grasp the concept of death yet and she doesn't ask many questions, to her understanding it is babies that die and it makes her parents sad
I know she will ask more in the future but for now she is happy with that. We were very careful not to say the baby was sick as I didn't want her freaking out every time her or one of us got sick...

good luck to you, kids understand quite a bit and want their world to stay the same.

take care

tara
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,023 Posts
s to you, mama. I'm so sorry for your loss.

We lost our little girl, Reagan, at 37 weeks. She was stillborn due to her placenta abrupting. Our DS is also 3 (almost 4) and he knew very well that we were having a baby. He was at every dr.'s appt. with me and was very involved in my whole pregnancy.

Trying to tell him about Reagan was very, very hard for me and something I avoided for several weeks after. He knew that I was in the hospital (he visited me when I was in the ICU) and he knew I was supposed to have Reagan in a hospital so he knew we'd had a baby but was very confused when we came home empty-handed.

He would ask questions and I would clam up-completely unable to answer him. I prayed for several weeks afterward for the right words to say to him. The day of my pp check-up I finally could answer him. He knew I had a dr.'s appt. and he wanted to know why he couldn't go. He always looked forward to hearing Reagan's heartbeat. I explained to him that Reagan didn't have a heartbeat anymore. I let him know that mommy and daddy did have a baby but she was born without a heartbeat and she went to Heaven. I showed him a picture of her finally and it made it so real to him. He really hasn't asked too many questions since seeing pictures of her, but he talks to her every day while he's playing. It's fascinating. He tells her all about what he's doing and what we're doing. He's so gentle and soft spoken (normally he's not-LOL!) when talking to her.

My advice to you (after I've typed this novel
) is to answer the questions as they come. Be very honest and explain it on his level. I know it's not easy, but it will get easier to talk about it. Also, if your DS is willing, let him be involved in any kind of memorial (if you choose to do so) for the baby. I think that has made it easier on us.

Best of luck to you and many, gentle (((hugs))).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
336 Posts
I am so sorry.

Our son Max was 2 1/2 when Finn died and he talks very clearly about the fact that his baby brother died. When it happened, he just kept saying don't cry. Now he asks periodically if I'm sad that his baby brother died and says that he is too and gives me a hug. I have a "Finn pillow" I made from the blanket he was in and once he brought it to me to cuddle with. My older son isn't as expressive but seems to be dealing with it in clusters when he'll talk about it.
I recommend just being honest with him. He'll need to know why you're upset and he'll need to process the loss as it affects him.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
274 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thanks for all the advice and hugs everyone ...

things are going okay (as they can). i passed the placenta and baby yesterday morning and we had a little ceremony - i asked ds if he wanted to see the baby and he said yes. he seemed interested and sat quietly while we had the cremation. he's been talking a little about the baby and how mama is sad... i work p/t and usually have him in daycare on monday's but i obviously took today off from work and am keeping him home with me - it's going to be a beautiful day and i'm going to spend it rejoicing with my healthy beautiful happy boy.

thanks again and hugs to all -

mona
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
I am so sorry for your loss.

This for me was the hardest part about losing our baby. We lost our baby boy at 16 weeks. I had told my 3 year old son just two weeks before and he was VERY excited and talked about the baby all the time. He would, may times a day, ask to rub my belly and talk to the baby in my belly. It was the hardest thing in the world to tell him that our baby died.

In my case, my son asked about it a lot. But One thing that I wanted to add to the previous comments is that I read that it is important to clearly state to our children that it was not their fault that the baby died. Because we never know what they are thinking and many do blame themselves for whatever reason and they can carry that around with them for a long time. Even though it might be very difficult I would initiate one conversation with your son, and tell him very directly that it was not his fault that the baby died (and that it was not your fault either.) I did this with my son and it was tough because he had just stopped asking about the baby. But it turns out he cried and looked very relieved when I told him it was not his fault and that he did not do anything wrong. I had no idea he had had any of those types of thoughts. I know this is tough and heartbreaking. Best wishes to you and your family.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top