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someone tells you that they've tried CIO or that they spank their child or something similarly repugnant?

I'd like to have a plan of action for the next time either of these happen. I feel like sitting back and saying nothing condones their actions. Last time someone told me she used CIO I responded that "Oh... I could never do that." Is that enough? Please share alternative ways of dealing with this!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by RedWine
CIO = Crying it out (leaving your child alone in a room to cry him/herself to sleep).

Thank you. I have tried and tried to decipher it, but I had no idea what it meant.
:
 

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For spanking:

If it is assault for me to hit you. I don't believe it is right for me to assault my child.

I didn't birth this beautiful child only to hit him/her.

We don't spank. I don't think it is right for a larger person to bully a smaller one.

There will come a day when he/she will be too big to spank. I need to have better tools in my parenting toolbox than brute force.

For CIO:

I don't nurture my child one moment and abandon him/her the next.

There is not a single mammal I can think of that does not bed down with their baby. Why would I leave my infant to cry him/herself to sleep?

I want my kid to grow up and be afraid of normal things like bugs, not that Mommy (or Daddy) will leave him/her.

I wonder how all the people with committment and relationship issues were created?

That's all that is coming to mind right now. I'm trying to be nice and I'm struggling.
 

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For me, most of these questions come from non-parents at work. There's one other mom in my office and she's fairly AP. We usually say something about spanking not really working. Same with CIO.

We all have interesting discussions about the nanny shows, noticing how it's really the parents' issues, not the children's. Most of those folks are pet owners, and they see parallels between parenting children and training pets!

I visited in-laws recently and noticed how the non-AP/GD kids really responded to the ways DH and I interacted with them. We could see the other adults watching us and we felt kind of sheepish at first, but eventually just got distracted by kids and got over it. Interesting vibe. We've never really discussed parenting with these folks (most are distant relations by marriage we only see a couple of times a year) but we're wondering if that will change now.

So no, we don't seem to get many direct comments or challenges or questions, but somehow it does come up for both of us.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by jmom
Most of those folks are pet owners, and they see parallels between parenting children and training pets!
I definitly have to agree with these people. It has been shown that pets respond much better to encouragment than to punishment. If you put a dogs nose in its poop and yell at/hit it, it doesn't work nearly as well as if you tell them that did a good job/pet/hug them for pooping outside. So I do see parallels, not that it is beneficial to spank a child but that it is beneficial to encourage them and use positive reinforcment.
 

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You could say that you've read that babies whose cries are responded to all the time, cry less as toddlers than those who aren't responded to promptly.

There have been studies that younger children who are spanked are more agressive as older children, especially when out of sight of adults.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by hunnybumm
It has been shown that pets respond much better to encouragment than to punishment. If you put a dogs nose in its poop and yell at/hit it, it doesn't work nearly as well as if you tell them that did a good job/pet/hug them for pooping outside.
My sister trains her dog by rewards and praise and says she would never hit him, yet she hits her kids.
 

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I respond that it is not my way and comment a little on what I have found to be effective. I don't get preachy because if I really want to encourage someone that will lose them immediately. When someone comes straight at us our tendency would be to close them off and get defensive. Nothing is accomplished that way. Just like if I came charging at my toddler yelling or hitting about some mistake in a non-GD way. He is going to resist or not learn as well as my compassion and empathy will teach him. Same with adults most of the time.
 

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I usually keep my mouth shut. Most people who know me already know exactly how I feel about those things. If it's someone I don't talk to often and they tell me they spank or CIO, I usually just say "Oh" in a sad tone. They get it.
 

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I usually say (or try to if I can get over the shock and anger I feel towards the bully),

"Well, we have found other methods to work better for our family, if you need some ideas on different approaches, I have lots of them."

I am workin hard to make it about me and my choices not what I think others should be doing.

This is very hard for me!
 

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My silence is often a precursor to a larger discussion about the topic. For example:

Friend: "So, we took her to the crib and left her there. I stood outside and listened for a while, then finished the dishes."

Me: Stony silence.

Friend: "You're quiet, I can tell you don't agree."

Me: "No, I do not."

And, then the discussion goes on from there. I attempt to not be judgmental, but rather appreciate her position and validate her feelings that would cause her to do something like that. In this particular case, the discussion ended up as a scientific look at cortisol levels, and this mama was horrified that she had CIOed. They are still co-sleeping.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by abac
My sister trains her dog by rewards and praise and says she would never hit him, yet she hits her kids.

That's so sad that the dogs are getting treated better than the children.
I wonder if the kids are / will be jealous of the dogs.

I guess I never answered the original question... sorry got a little OT.
I usually say "Well, I personally won't ever do that. I just don't feel it's right." Is usually what I use. When DS was about 4 months old (sleeping through the night except to wake up 3 times a night to nurse, then right back to sleep) my friend told me I should use CIO, it would only take a few days and he would sleep through the night, etc. I just said "I will never put my child through that." very firm. She opened her mouth to say something with a "you will be sorry" look on her face, but someone else started talking and the subject was changed.

I do the same thing with spanking. I say "Well, I understand that you choose to spank but I personally don't do that."
 
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