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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I manage our small group's directory in which was have listings for all the children's birthdays (adults too).<br><br>
The listing in question is the following:<br><br>
Baby Due 8/28/2005<br><br>
The couple had Ethan on 5/31/2005 at 12:03am and he died last night at 9:25pm<br><br>
Would it be appropriate to input Ethan 5/31/2005 w an angle type image?<br><br>
I feel it would be so inappropriate to both leave it the way it is as well as leaving it as a blank space.
 

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This is a tricky one, and I think the answer may vary depending on the family. For me, I chose to include my daughter, who was stillborn, in my college alumni directory with deceased after her name. I did this because the listing there was more for general informational purposes--it was a list of my children for the sole purpose of telling people who they were. OTOH, she is not listed in our church directory, since to me that is more for people to send birthday cards and group children by age for classes and such. I am thinking you need to ask the family, but so soon after the baby's death may not be the time to do it. Do you update the directory at each information change or at regular intervals? I am thinking that sometime after the funeral, you may want to give her a call, tell her you're updating the directory, and ask her how/if she wants him to be listed. Be sympathetic, that you can't imagine how difficult this must be for her, and that you want to give out as much or as little information about him as she is comfortable with. This would have upset me, so I imagine that it will upset her, but finding a listing where I did not want one would upset me even more. I needed (and still need) the control over what situations I have to deal with my loss in the immediate moment. For us, also, our church at the time experienced our loss with us, attended the funeral, etc., and it just didn't feel right. When we changed churches a few months ago, I did hesitate when filling out the directory information, but in the end decided that was information I would rather share as I felt the need to, instead of just listing it. I reasoned that if I were a widow, I would not hve listed my husband's information. Feel free to ask me any other questions if you want to<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> hope this gives you some idea of what to do.
 

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I think it is so nice that you are thinking about this, and I assume the family will feel the same. I agree with queencarr on asking the family after some time has passed what they would like to do. It is such a personal experience and everyone handles who they want to tell and who not to tell differently.
 

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I agree completely with asking the family after a time. I would also ask about using the angel symbol as grieving parents do not all refer to their children as angels.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks,<br>
I usually up date it w each change as it is a directory of only 4 families who are building closer relationships to each other. Our church is so large that structurally small groups that meet regularly to share a meal and share in Bible study were formed to link us together on a more personal level. Orginially though these groups were formed to remind us were our church started from - someone's home.<br><br>
I hate to just delete the baby and it's due date, yet leaving it is, is a cruel reminder. The purpose of the list is so everyone can know each other better and have a quick reference to our group's phone numbers and e-mails, in that instance, we all know Ethan was born and he died. I do have to add a new couple and give them a copy of this list on June 10th, the new couple does know the couple in question briefly and they also know what is going on since we are bringing meals to the house every day for the next 2 wks.<br><br>
Maybe a few days after the funeral would be appropriate, and I do totally get that she should have the choice of whether or not to include him. It's just a very hard question to even ask a grieving family. Although if I take the example of if it were one of our spouses, I would simply delete the name -- maybe that is the answer.
 

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I definitely agree in that ask the grieving mother. However, I have to add a few things based on your last post...<br><br>
- listing of a baby's name is not a cruel reminder...trust me, her baby is on her mind regardless. For a majority of people, they want to talk about their baby. I have this obsessive need to list my son's name anywhere I can<br><br>
- mainly I responded to warn you to not treat the death of her child as equivalent to the death of a spouse/parent/relative. I found the following poem that somewhat explains this...<br><br>
A child that loses a parent is an orphan.<br>
A man who loses his wife is a widower.<br>
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.<br>
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,<br>
for there is no word to describe the pain.<br>
~Author Unknown ~
 
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