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You want more children, Your husband does not, what would you do?

  • leave him

    Votes: 4 6.0%
  • pester/nag him

    Votes: 31 46.3%
  • give up

    Votes: 32 47.8%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband is 16 years older than me. He has a daughter from a previous marriage (she 10). Our children are 3yrs old and 19 months. I would like 2 more children but everytime I bring it up he says let's talk about it later, when the youngest is 2 1/2. But I don't think he wants anymore... He made a list yesterday about why we shouldn't have more children.<br><br>
I want more children.... and if we don't come to some kind of common ground, I don't want to even think about what could happen.<br><br>
What would you do if your husband said he didn't want anymore children?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 

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First let me say, that I'm sorry your going through this. It's hard when a couple don't agree on something as important as children. With two kids under 3 I can imagine that your dh is probably really tired, as you probably are. Sounds like he has left the door open, since he said you could talk about it again when your youngest is a little older.<br><br>
Since you asked what I would do, I would never ever leave my dh because of it. But, we are very very close and I know he is the person I'm meant to spend my life with. I feel like kids should be wanted by both parents. If one of doesn't want a child then that is it. Doesn't mean we may not change our minds later.
 

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hi,<br>
I voted pester/nag. I guess it is the closest to what I am currently doing, which is discussing/understanding how each of us feels until we reach a consensus where we agree. The reasons my DH has given me for not wanting another (all of this is theoretical for us BTW, our 1st is only 3 mo old!) are very valid & understandable, so now I am thinking about what it would be like not to have any more, etc. We try to explain ourselves to each other & then walk in the other person's shoes, so to speak. Have you fully explored why you want more? If my DH didn't want to talk about it, it would be a big problem for me. It seems like a good thing that your DH has made his list, that is an opening to discussion & you understanding how he feels.<br><br>
I believe that by doing this long enough, we will come to a mutual agreement about the size of our family, I hope it works for your family, too!<br><br>
PS~ before we had any, when DH was undecided about being a father at all, I would have considerd a divorce bcz I really had to have at least 1.
 

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I would hope he changed his mind, and not nag him, but when my youngest hit 2 1/2, I'd start finding him reasons to have more.<br><br>
Also, I would never even considering leaving him for not having more children. How awful to rob your kids of their father so that you could have more kids.
 

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******Edited***--->I just noticed how much we did have in common other than the children issue. I have a ten year old from MY first marriage. We have a two year old together. My dh wants more though, I do not. I had my first ten years ago and then had another 2 years ago. I feel I am very finished. I have been in the kid business for a long time and am ready to move to new areas......get the children to be independant...etc<br><br><br><br>
I WISH my dh didn't want more.<br><br>
My dh keeps trying to get me to change my mind.<br>
I do not want anymore children. Really, I just do not want to be pregnant again, nor do I feel like staying home even longer. I am ready to get my degree and get back into the workplace.<br><br>
It is hard when two people do not agree. But I think pestering the other person by nagging and lecturing...or even just nice conversations about it can become very tiresome and bothersome.<br><br>
i really do not like talking to my dh about it. i have basically made up my mind, but he keeps on and on.
 

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We had two and dh was done- I would have liked more but not enough to push the issue- I have two great kids and we have the resources to care for them. That is a blessing.
 

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Moving this to Parents as Partners forum for ya<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

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I wouldn't do any of those things, frankly. I'd probably leave the topic alone for a while until we could have a real, fruitful conversation. (You know when you have those moments when you can really communicate?) I'd try to understand his feelings and be respectful of them. I think if *I* were in his shoes, I might not want any more either....he's older, has 3 kids, etc...<br><br>
When you do talk, I'd tell him all your reasons for wanting more.<br><br>
We have 1 and one on the way and my dh and I both agree that we're done. But there are lots of reasons....age, my health, we agree that 2 is a good #, etc....<br><br>
I think that having children definitely requires 2 yes votes.....
 

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There are a lot of compromises that have to be made in a marriage. I would never think of leaving dh if we disagreed on having more children. Nagging would only hurt our realtionship. We would discuss it, talk about all of our reasons, pros, cons, everything, and come to a decision together. If I *lost* in that compromise, I would accept that, because we made the decsion together. I married dh to be with him, no matter what, that includes as many children as we have.<br><br>
If dh wanted NO children, things would probably be different. But he wouldn't be the person that he is if that were the case. And we definitely had that conversation way before we got married.<br><br>
My mom wanted 10 kids, had 5, and is happy with the way things turned out. You never know what life will throw you, its more important to value the things that you already have over what you think you want.
 

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Dh did not want any but compromised and we have one. While I would definitely like more, I understand that he truely does not. He was kind enough to compromise with me, so I don't push it with him. I'm hoping that when Jackson is older (just turned 1 yesterday!) dh will change his mind, but I'm not counting on it.
 

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I had this situation. I really wanted more children and my husband really didn't. It was very upsetting and we argued all the time about it. At one point I said "I really want more children and you really don't. Let's agree to stop talking about this until dd2 turns 3. Then we can have the conversation again."<br><br>
As it happened, in the meantime I mellowed a bit about having more children. I grew to appreciate having more freedom as my children grew a little older. So when the time came to talk about it again, and he was still very set against more, perhaps even more than he had been, after many long decisions I gave in to him and he got a vasectomy. I was damned if I was going to be in charge of birth control if he wast he one who didn't want children. I spent my winter mourning the loss of a future with more children, but in many ways I am happy to be moving on in my life. There is still the vague possibility that we may adopt in the future, when we can afford it.<br><br>
Yes, it has been hard for me, but I would rather not have the children than have children whose father resented them.<br><br>
Anyway, it might not happen the way it did for me, but I do recommend a statement like the one I made. Give yourselves some time to think about it without discussing it at all. Both of you may have some realizations.
 

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I voted "give up", but thats not really what i'd do, or how i feel.<br><br>
I would never leave my husband, i mean, how selfish is that? I have three kids, and my husband doesnt want anymore. i would love one more. he is adamant about not having more....however, he has said, if i really really truely deeply want another he might consider it, as he says "i dont believe in messing with woman on that level" and i would "have to state my case". i havent, so i guess i dont want one as much as i think.<br><br>
Yama, did you know this before you married? that he wanted only 2 with you, in addition to his other child?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br><br>
ok i'll wait.<br>
thank you all for your insight.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by MamaMonica</i><br><b>We had two and dh was done- I would have liked more but not enough to push the issue- I have two great kids and we have the resources to care for them. That is a blessing.</b></td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree with Monica. It would be a totally different situation if you didn't have any kids, I think.<br><br>
We have two and are still thinking about a third. We are for it emotionally, but not logistically (apartment and car too small) or financially (health insurance, yikes!), and those are very important considerations because I wouldn't want to knowingly have a child I couldn't take care of financially.<br><br>
That mothering urge is hard to resist, though, especially hearing about other people's pregnancies. Listen to me! DD2 is only 3 mos. old! Remember the pain, remember the pain...
 

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Ivoted Give Up<br><br>
but<br><br>
I do not feel that is the right mind set. Submit might be better -- despite the heck I'll get over it.<br><br>
Dh-2b and I both want a family, and can't wait to start as soon as situations will allow. Family; and child rearing is a part of what brought us to love to start with. I doubt this will happen; my age will get us both.<br><br>
but<br><br>
I know I am MORE emotional and more volital than he. If he had a list of reason why we should have another (my age, money, the health of one of the ones we had) then I would have to agree with his rational mind, he is the pratical problem solver. I am more apt to "want" a baby and he is more apt to "reason" about it.<br><br>
I know I can trust him to always put my needs; and the needs of the family we will have, first; I know he seeks wise counsel and prays about any decision he has to make for us; and worried about how everything will effect me and the someday family...........so I am confident that even if I was unhappy for the moment about the decision I'd know it was really for the best and go with him.<br><br>
I'd never "accidently" get pregant or decieve him in anyway. That is wrong.<br><br>
Besides even if I only had one child I'd never want that child to feel like s/he wasn't "enough" or that I "needed" more. What an awful feeling for the kid. I'd just be the best mom and wife I could be; confident hat when I my parenting years were over God would fill that void.<br><br>
You husband is older; maybe he is concerend about how old he will be, not now when they are born, but in 18 years or 25 years. I know my dh-2b wants to have babies soon so he is not too old to enjoy them; both as babies and his grandkids too!!!<br><br>
Aimee
 

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I voted "Give Up," but I too feel it's not exactly the right way to put it. I think "Acceptance" would be a better term.<br><br>
1) I vowed til death do us part.<br><br>
2) It wouldn't be fair to my husband, and even less fair to a child, to bring them into a situation where everyone were not in complete and total agreement.<br><br>
3) I would never take my child away from her father, and break her home, for children who don't even exist.
 

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Try being happy for the gifts you ahve rather for what you could have.<br>
Imagine being a widow in god forsaken village of Sibiria? Imagine being a mom of severaly ill child in Afrika? Imagine not able to have any kids? Imagine a husban who beat you every day? Imagine... Now think of what you have. You are truly rich
 

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I agree.<br><br>
More kids would be nice.<br><br>
But you HAVE kids and you should put your effort there rather than worrying about "what could have been". The kids you have will know.<br><br>
Aimee
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
My husband knew and was fine with having at least 3 more children from me. So I will wait until my youngest is a little older before I ask him again.<br><br>
Also, don't think I don't appreciate what I have... I certaintly do! I know women who have had miscarriages, stillborns, who couldn't conceive (most were in my immediate family). Even if I didn't witness these situations, I always loved babies and children. I could always see beauty, simplicity, and wonderfulness in them. I see children as one of the highest bein's on Earth. So please don't suggest that I need to appreciate my children, because I do.<br><br>
I'm just saying... I would like to be pregnant again. I love my body when I am pregnant. I love having a baby inside of me. I love watching my body change. And most women look at me crazy when I say this but I love labor. I love birth. I love newborn babies and I love breastfeeding. I love to see my husband cradle a baby on his forearm. I love to see him blossom and take action at these times. I really like being "new parent's" again.<br><br>
Our little ones are growing so fast.... his oldest turned 10 last week, our son just started preschool, and our smallest is saying "real" words.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br><br>
I don't want to talk with him about it anymore. It's like getting my heart broken.
 
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