[Phoenix~Mama]

So at the shower this weekend we find out DSD's Mom and Grammy have been bad-mouting us to anyone who will listen at their work.

My Aunt works at the same place as DSD's Mom and Grammy, she knows who they are, but they don't know she is my Aunt. My Aunt told us that they both talk to anyone who will listen with their sob story of how badly we treat DSD and all she does is cry when she is with us and how we are really mean to her, etc. My Aunt said they have told her these things on more than one occaison.

I had a big breakdown over this later that night. My DH and Mother both told me I shouldn't worry about it that we know how we treat DSD and that should be all that matters, but I'm just so maxed out with this constant two-faced petty BS.

DH won't even talk to his ex about it. I have a real problem with people spreading slander about me.

: If it was anyone else I would have confronted them on this and let them know precisely what I thought of them... but with this... it's so important to keep the peace and put on the mask of niceness to deal with DSD's Mom. *sighs*

How would you deal with this? Have you had to deal with this?

 

[texmati]

I hope you don't mind my posting-- I'm not a mama, or part of a blended family, but I saw this on the front page.

My MIL does stay with us, though, and I just recently found out that she was telling anyone who would lend an ear about how horribly I treat her.

My mom, my aunt, DH's aunts and uncles. My mom told me that she has been doing this for over a year, and that MIL told her that so and so is crying for her since she's in such a bad situation.

I know it's not at all the same, but it was devestating to hear that, especially when we've rearranged our life and sacrificed so much to support her and take care of her. It was truly a slap in the face.

I'm still not over it, and that was a month ago. Unfortunetly, the only way I know of dealing with it is to remember that she'll get hers at some point!

s:

 

[Jilian]

I'd say something about it, nothing agressive or confrontational but I'd certainly bring it up. I'd say something along the lines of "I've been hearing that you have some concern about how DSD is being treated. If you are concerned with the way DSD is treated please discuss it with me directly".

Bad mouthing the other parent really only hurts the child in the long run. Kids aren't dumb, they pick up on the anger, hostility, and animocity between parents. Its best to confront things like this and hopefully lay them to rest.

 

[phoolove]

My dp's x told people that I lost custody of my boys. I was really hurt, and I couldn't understand how a person could just go and say something like that to people.

I ended up just letting go as best as I could, because in our situation, the parenting agreement is not final, and dp and his x were never married, so until it's final she can just take off with dp's son, in other words, we are trying not to rock the proverbial boat.

Sometimes I think that as soon as we get that agreement, I am going to be a lot more verbal, but then I just think that all this holding my tongue is just good practice for the long run.

Oh, and looks like I don't have any advice as much as some personal frustration....sorry!

 

[bronxmom]

I don't know if this would work or not, but I would request a meeting with her, you and your husband (and her partner if she has one - I can't remember) to discuss stepfamily issues. I would try to keep it positive but I'd bring up what you heard as a starting point for why you want to discuss any issues that either of you have. Then I would try to as calmly as possible to convince her that tension between you guys and any of the parents involved being unsupportive of the others only hurts the child that you all care about and love. I think I'd also ask if she would be willing to do counseling with you guys to work on improving the dynamics between families. It sounds like there is a lot of difficulty and there may be nothing you can do - but in relative terms, the relationships are still very new and you are looking at 13 more years before this girls is grown up and so it's worth it to try to invest some time in improving things. Beyond that, I do think you have to try not to let it affect you personally (which must be so hard) and realize that this is HER problem.

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Wow, it just goes to show that you never know who you are talking to!

I think that your dh should think about having parenting meetings with his ex. My dh does this ~once a month with DSD's mom in order to discuss issues relating to parenting DSD. They talk about activities, calendar-related items, and anything weird that is going on at either house.

This isn't something that DH enjoys doing, but it has been helpful in many ways. He looks at it as something that he is doing for the benefit of his daughter.

Your dh could say something to the effect of, "Lately it seems like we've been having some trouble communicating between the two houses, and I've heard from someone that you work with that you are very unhappy with how things are going at my house. I think we should sit down and discuss this for the benefit of DSD."

 

[ProtoLawyer]

I would probably start peppering my conversation around the ex with phrases gleaned from her gossip, but that's just because I'm in a petty mood.

Previous posters have good ideas.

 

[MominTN]

I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, and I can't relate well b/c my DSD's biomom is very friendly and good with me. My advice, though, would be to talk to the biomom or don't, but do talk to the stepchild... not to trash the biomom but to talk about how we treat people. I guess this would depend on how sure I was that the stepchild had already heard the bad-mouthing, but if so, I would be sure to just say that this is not an appropriate way to handle things in life... honestly, right or wrong, this is how I would deal with it. My motto in life is about showing grace (which, by definition, I think, is undeserved) and trying to be the better person. My husband thinks that I allow people to walk all over me b/c of this sometimes, but it works for me and allows me to sleep at night.

I hope this doesn't seem too insensitive b/c I know it's awful to have rumors and such out there about you that you can't control....

Sorry for what you're having to go through....
Crystal

 

[mild_adventurer]

Pinksprklybarefoot has the right idea. You should listen to her.

I was going to write pretty much an identical response.

If your DH makes a true and real effort to have a calm, grown-up conversation with his XW and she continues to behave like a petty, petulant child behind your backs, at least you know you've taken the high road and done everything you can to protect DSD.

Also - and I know this is hard - please try not to take it personally.

: You know that you're a good mama and any rumors that biomom is spreading about you is simply a result of her own anger and insecurity.

 

[HappiMomof4]

I went through something similar when my children were small. I was friends with a neighbor, our sons played together, and we were pretty cordial towards eachother. Her mother was also very nice to me. When I started dating my husband, she was very happy for me and was also very nice to him. Then I noticed she was pulling away slowly but surely and her mom stopped saying hello, you know stuff that you know is happening but you're not really sure if its you or them. Anyway, I later found out that my husbands ex-mother-in-law worked with my friend's mom. My friend mentioned it once in passing and I just acknowledged who she was but then everything started to fall into place. My dss grandmother hated my husband and was not very nice toward me or my children. I looked at it this way, my relationship with my 'friend' wasn't really a close one and the insanity that was going on in our lives at the time with my dss's mom and her family was so out there that it was almost embarassing to talk about. I just let it go. I knew the truth, there was no way I would ask her 'what is she saying about me/us' and then I'd have to either explain things or deny things and I don't think my neighbor really wanted to know all of my personal business. Fifteen years later, I have no idea where this 'friend' lives, the ex and her mother and her sister are harassing other people and I can hold my head high. Their reputation in town is notorious. No one takes them seriously. Your situation is different because it's NOW and the little one is in the middle, you're pregnant and don't need this crap and I understand you not liking people talking smack about you. Try to keep in mind that your health is more important, YOU know the TRUTH, and maybe your happiness irks her/them. How important is it? If it's that important, call her on it. Let her know, you know and then drop it, for your sake. Good luck.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

That is some good advice.

HappiMomof4, I would love if it was only getting back to some acquaintance...

but it's to my Aunt, who then told my grandmother, who then told my other Aunts/cousins... so I spent part of my shower being grilled and asked if DH was an overly strict Dad and if he abused DSD and if he did what the hell was I doing having a child with him.

He is totally not abusive. I don't beleive using time outs when a child is being very disrespectful and won't stop screaming to talk about why they are upset as being mean unfit parents.

I don't beleive we are bad parents because we don't buy DSD a new Barbie doll every week or take her to Toys R Us to pick out whatever she wants once a month like her Mom does... Providing "things" doesn't make a person good parent in my book... We show DSD love, respect and do our best to teach her values. We don't allow her to demand things and communicate to her the importance of manners and how to ASK for things instead of demanding them. In turn we model that with each other and her throughout all daily things.

Sorry for going off on a tangent. lol This is still a little agitating and I still am not sure what to do about it. DH doesn't want to talk to ex about it... I honestly don't relish the idea... but it really was not cool to be jumped by my family asking me a billion questions due to the silly rumor mill that ex and her Mom started at their work about us.

 

[mum4vr]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bronxmom I don't know if this would work or not, but I would request a meeting with her, you and your husband (and her partner if she has one - I can't remember) to discuss stepfamily issues. I would try to keep it positive but I'd bring up what you heard as a starting point for why you want to discuss any issues that either of you have. Then I would try to as calmly as possible to convince her that tension between you guys and any of the parents involved being unsupportive of the others only hurts the child that you all care about and love. I think I'd also ask if she would be willing to do counseling with you guys to work on improving the dynamics between families. It sounds like there is a lot of difficulty and there may be nothing you can do - but in relative terms, the relationships are still very new and you are looking at 13 more years before this girls is grown up and so it's worth it to try to invest some time in improving things. Beyond that, I do think you have to try not to let it affect you personally (which must be so hard) and realize that this is HER problem.

:

TY for your wisdom for this dificult situation.

 

[bronxmom]

I would also ask your family why they were so quick to accept hearsay as truth rather than their own knowledge of you and your partner. That would piss me off more than what the ex was doing b/c I would expect my family to back me.

It's possible that there are actually different parenting philosophies involved and that part of what is happening is that rather than actual communication between the households there is just venting. For ex., I really don't believe in timeouts (I know a lot of pple do) and try to focus more on holding and being there for an out-of-control kid (it's scary for them too and I don't think they are consciously being manipulative, esp at that age) and then trying - after the storm has passed to figure out what the deeper issue is. There's usually a deeper issue. I don't think the fact that you use them is abusive but it would be a disagreement if I were co-parenting with your partner. Just from the way you described it, I would think there was a lack of sympathy/overly high expectation for the child involved. Doesn't mean I think you're a bad parent or anything but that I'd want to talk it through. The healthy thing to do is to have an open line of communication to discuss stuff like that. You can't control what the other person does but you can help to respect and support what the other parent does. By the same token, I don't think just buying stuff helps resolve deeper issues either. But we have no idea what the mom is thinking or feeling. She may have a ton of unresolved guilt about the divorce and what that's meant for her daughter and be having a hard time setting limits (I know that was an issue for me). Again, in an ideal situation this is something that the parents would have open communication about. It sounds to me like there is a lot of disrespect/judgment and negative emotions on both sides about how the other parent parents and it builds up and gets expressed in unhealthy ways that potentially put the child in the middle. I would really try to focus on creating open communication around these issues (with a starting point that everyone involved genuinely loves and wants the best for the child) and think a trained counselor dealing with stepfamily issues could be really helpful. I've been my partner for almost 6 years, since my daughter was almost 4, and we are just now having our own child. We've generally done well but are just now coming to the conclusion that getting some outside help to resolve some of these issues should have been/should be a priority. There are no easy answers to a lot of this stuff and often not good or bad guys - it takes a lot of work. Good luck.

 

[littleaugustbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa I don't beleive we are bad parents because we don't buy DSD a new Barbie doll every week or take her to Toys R Us to pick out whatever she wants once a month like her Mom does... Providing "things" doesn't make a person good parent in my book... We show DSD love, respect and do our best to teach her values. We don't allow her to demand things and communicate to her the importance of manners and how to ASK for things instead of demanding them. In turn we model that with each other and her throughout all daily things.

You're complaining about DSD's mom talking about you guys behind your back, but here, you're getting your digs in, too. I've seen you vent lots of times here about DSD's mom - so why isn't it ok for her to do the same?

I get that you're frustrated, but maybe she is too. I think bronxmom has a great point about parenting styles not meshing -- and that's something that's hard enough to deal with when you're married to someone, much less divorced and trying to co-parent.

I'm with your DH on this one. Let it go. If she wants to tell people how awful you guys are, let her. Most of the people that are hearing it from her don't know you, and don't matter. And the ones that do know you should know you well enough to know that it's not true. I think that based on everything you've said about the relationship in the past, talking to her won't really solve anything. If I were you, I'd move on, and play nice when DSD's mom is around, and then don't worry about her the rest of the time. I think that at this point, you need to lower your expectations of her, rather than letting yourself be continually disappointed by her.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Wise wisdome bronxmom and littleaugustbaby. Thank you.

It is very very true that their parenting styles are polar opposites and they have clashed heads on it many a times. Part of the whole troubles to their unhappy marriage.

My DH gave up a long time ago trying to talk to her to find some middle ground with the parenting. Tis mostly why he won't talk to her now or try to set up any kind of meetings or counseling because she refused it all when they were married, so he knows she won't be inclined to do so now. They basically just do their own thing in their own houses...

I just feel bad for DSD in all of it because she is so young to try to navigate such different rules/house dynamics. I know from other posts here that as she gets older she will learn that there are different rules for different houses... and I know some of our rules are the same as what is expected of her at school.

I'm not going to hold my breath for DH and ex to come to any counseling/middle road/supportive stance on co-parenting. They have not ever been able to... and really, as much as I care... I cannot spend all my energy trying to get the parents to be amicable... it isn't my job to mother them.

Has anyone seen the magic wand to heal all the blended family issues? lol