[Anglyn]

I went to lunch with my mother and my two year old. Now, normally dd doesnt ask to nurse when we are out and about because she is busy seeing the sights or whatever. However, it was also naptime and she isnt comfortable around strangers. She mostly played with her food, then she asked for "bop-bop". My mother pretty much ORDERED me not too (I think her exact words were, "dont you DARE").

The only thing that kept it from becoming a big deal was that we were pretty much done anyway so I picked dd up and headed for the car. Now, imo, my mom was making a bigger scene than dd would have by nursing. My mother is so @#$ worried about what people will think. Why does she care what total strangers, whom she'll never see again, think? How ridiculous is it to worry about someone who means nothing to me, who has nothing to do with my life and not worry about my childs needs?! Besides, its likely that most people would not have even noticed.

I posted this here because its only the two year old that makes her uncomfortable. Had it been the baby, she would have been fine with it. (He was at home with my fil and a bottle of expressed milk).

Its got me all riled up thinking about WHY our culture seems to think two is grown and not still a baby. My mom says I "forced dd out of the nest" by having ds, yet she, not I, is the one pushing for weaning, pushing for potty training, basically trying to push her towards independance. Shes only two. Why do we think two is not a baby still?

DD is not a good eater (which my mom blames on bf), but she does want whatever the baby has and so now that he has started eating baby rice cereal, she has gone back to it with gusto, which is fine with me, her doc even says its fine, full or iron, highly digestable etc. But after months of my mother badgering me about her eating, when she sees her eating GOOD, she makes FUN OF HER for sitting in the babys chair and getting her pawpaw to feed it to her (basically called her a baby or whatever, which we call her baby in a good way, but you know she understands the tone/intent if not the exact meaning) so of course, she stops eating. Which so defeats the purpose. I guess she wasnt eating RIGHT. Ok, she did realize and apologize immediatley, not just to me but to dd. Still.

I love my mom, she loves dd and dd loves her but Im worried shes going to damage her psychologically by saying things to/in front of her about her being too big to bf or about what she should/shouldnt be doing. FIL live with us and is thier caregiver while dh and I work and I know he loves the help on days when my mom comes over and dd loves the individual attention, so I dont want to dump the realtionship but.........

What would you do?

 

[herc]

wellll for me if I know it makes the rperson I am with uncomfortable, then I will tend to try and make them as comfy as I can. I think going to the car was a good compromise. Your kiddo got the milk she needed and your mom wasnt too embarassed. I dont like to be confrontational with it though, especially with my older nurslings. I am pretty sure that by the time we hit 2 I would only let him nurse at home. He is a giant kid though, so at 1 h was the sie of most 3yr olds (no really, lol). Anyway, I am probably overly concerned with making people uncomfortable.

Now on the other hand, I think your mom saying things to your dd abt breastfeeding, or being a baby, etc is overstepping her boundaries, and I think i would have to say something to her. She shouldnt force her opinions on your kiddo, or make her feel bad for something.
blah its late and I am babbling tonight. I think you need to try and have a nice nonconfrontational talk with our mom and lay down some ground rules

heather

 

[jee'smom]

i would've been so mad at my mom for *ordering* me to not nurse- i would've wanted to nurse just b/c she said not to! my mom makes a big deal out of NIP to. she'll open up her coat (as it's on her!!!) and stand in front of me. i say "yeah mom... that won't attract attention! noone noticed i was nursing until you did that!" i completely agree with you about the whole nursing a two year old, and how it's seen as the baby being too old. i can't stand this! my 2 1/2 yo. still needs her nursies (emotionally and immunologically). it's like society cares more about being PC then the health of their children!

it drives me nuts!!! also,if i were you, i'd have a calm discussion about what will not be tolerated being said in front of my child.
take care!

 

[mom2threenurslings]

to you!

What your mom said was just plain wrong. It is no business of hers when / where / how long you nurse your child and your child has a right to nurse whenever she needs to. Two is such a young age!

What would I have done? I probably would have pulled up my shirt, latched my dd on and said to my mom "Don't you DARE tell me or dd that she can't or shouldn't nurse ... here or anywhere!" ... but that's me!

Or I might have put an innocent yet shocked look on my face and said, "Why not?"

As far as your dd not being a "good eater"...could you define good eater? Does she not eat a variety of foods or does she not eat much of what she is served? You may want to try looking up serving sizes for 2 year olds. You may be shocked to see how small a serving of fruits/veggies, meats, etc. is for a child that age.

If it were me, I'd sit down and have a nice, civil conversation with my mom, asking her politely why she has such negative feelings about dd nursing and where she got the feeling that 2 is too old to nurse. I'd say that I understand that she only wants what's best for dd, but that she needs to realize that I'm the parent and that it's my decision what is best. I'd share with her the fact that I've done extensive research on breastfeeding and found that it is completely normal for a 2 year old to nurse, and it's supported by the AAP and the WHO not to mention many doctors and scientists. I'd offer to share information with her and ask her nicely to please stop making negative comments on my nursing relationship with dd, as it is damaging to both of us. (If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all! - isn't that what our mothers try to teach us?

)

Btw... I totally agree with you that 2 is still a baby! I'm currently tandem nursing my almost-3 year old and my almost-5 year old and am 25 weeks pregnant....and I nursed my oldest (he triandem nursed with his little brother and sister) until he self-weaned on his fifth birthday. To me, 2 and 3 seem SO young to wean!

 

[eightyferrettoes]

God help my mom if she said "dont. You. DARE" to me! Ugh! Nursing issue completely aside, I think it's rude and disrespectful of the relationship with her grown daughter... would she say that to a friend?

If my mom had said, "You know, maybe some people around us aren't ready to see a toddler nursing" I'd be more inclined to try to respect her discomfort. But "don't you DARE!" is obnoxious, IMO.

I agree, 2 years old is still a little-un. And her quiet nursing should take precedence over her grandma's social paranoia.

 

[AngelBee]

 

[TiredX2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by herc I think going to the car was a good compromise. Your kiddo got the milk she needed and your mom wasnt too embarassed. I dont like to be confrontational with it though, especially with my older nurslings.

Not to be rude, but how is the OP removing herself and her daughter a "compromise"?

Quote:

compromise A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions. The result of such a settlement.

I don't see how the grandmother made *any* concessions. The person least able to make concessions (the child) was the one who had the "give" the most. Joined by the mom (who had to leave and nurse elsewhere). I don't see any concession on the grandma's part.

 

[TiredX2]

I don't know what I would have done.

I can't even imagine the rage I would feel. It would NOT be pretty. And if I "made" it "pretty" then, you can be sure it would EXPLODE later.

I'm sorry that happened.

 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I am so sorry that you are having a rough time with your mom. How is it that moms just seem to be able to make us feel so small sometimes? I definately agree that there is nothing wrong, and everything right about a 2 yr old nursing! So in some ways, I take it a step further, and purposely nurse my now 17 month old in public. I count it as fostering understanding and encouraging other women to nurse their children in public! I'm a bit spoiled though on this subject, because my mom is a IBCLC

!

On other subject though we have had it out. A few times she has gone against something that I told ds1 he could or couldn't do, right in front of ds1! Not a good thing. I was incredibly angry at the time, and she knew it from my face. We discussed it pretty civily later and I made it clear that in no uncertain terms that I would decide what was and was not appropriate for my child, and I expected her to respect me as a mother. She was a bit taken back by that, but things have been so much better since then. If she has questions about why we are doing something or disagrees with me, she saves it for when ds isn't around and asks me politely how I've come to my decision. Much better for everybody! So I would definately try to talk to your mom about how she approaches you and your dd about what things you have decided are appropriate. She may be surprised, because she may not really be seeing you as a grown woman with a child of your own.

 

[Irishmommy]

If it made the person with me uncomfortable, that, to me, is all the more reason to do it in front of them. In your case, I would have stayed in the restaurant and nursed.

 

[ssolberg99]

You love your mother, and I'm sure she loves you. So, be honest with her and tell her how it makes you feel. Ask her to respect your decision even if she doesn't understand it. Best of luck.

 

[Anglyn]

Actually, I have tried all of the above advice. Ive talked till Im blue in the face. Ive given her articles, books, actual scholary research, and it all gets dismissed with a, "Well, I don't agree". AGREE WITH WHAT? It wasnt opinion, Ive given her FACTs but she "doesnt agree". She feels vindicated that her sister agrees with her and she must be an expert because she "works with kids and knows these things". She works in a daycare. Now, I am not knocking daycare workers, but they are not child development experts and as it happens, I AM! THats what I do for a living, I work with children from birth to three with developmental delays, disabilities and/or atypical development. Now, part of my job is assessing children for eligibility. Dont you think that, in order to know if a child isnt developing typically, I need to know what IS typical? Ive been doing this for seven years, to keep my certification, I have to get so many training hours in per year so I do tend to keep on top of things. INcluding all the latest research into infant mental health (which SO supports AP) So I feel like not only does she not respect my parenting, but she doesnt respect me professionally either. Ive explained that its a proven scientific fact that the immune system isnt fully developed until about age six so come on, how is bm a bad thing? And even at two, if dd were weaned, my doc would expect me to get so many ounces of milk in her per day anyway, so why cows milk when she could have mammas?

I even tried writting her a letter because we usually end up in big arguments and I thought in a letter I can be calm and rational and tell her things like, "Its only because I love and respect you that I CARE what you think" and that Im stubborn and strong willed because Im her daughter after all, but her response to the letter was "maybe I shouldnt come over anymore"

Sigh.

The best way to handle my mom is to ignore it and then it passes. Slip things in here and there and in a month she'll be telling me like she's the one who just learned it and I dont know. It's just frustrating. Sometimes I want to bang my head into a wall, Id get more accomplished that way.

 

[hottmama]

My son is 28 mos. and still nurses everywhere we go (he has a VERY hard time going a whole hour between nursings). I don't give a rat's butt who is uncomfortable, as long as it is not my child! He's not the kind of kid you can say, "not right now" to, ever. He's very high needs. Thankfully my mother is fine with me still BFing, although I think she will start getting obnoxious at 3 or 4. If I were you I would have nursed proudly, as you never know who you might inspire!

 

[Anglyn]

Yeah, I kinda feel like, if no one ever does it in public, how will it ever become more acceptable? Well, problem solved, Im not going to lunch with my mom anymore. Or anywhere in public for that matter!

 

[Marina S]

Sorry, I haven't read all of the replies, so excuse me if this seems redundant.

If it was my mother, I would have looked her straight in the eye and said, Yes, I will nurse my daughter anywhere I please.

Why? Because I feel that if I'm comfortable nip, then that's all that matters. I don't want dd to ever feel as though I am ashamed of her nursing, nor would I ever want anyone else to make her feel as though what we are doing is inappropriate. And truly, if my mother acted that way, saying "Don't you DARE" in that tone, I think a child just might pick up on the fact that she thought it was inappropriate, and that I must feel the same way if I go running off to hide in order to nurse her.

By the same token, if anyone said to my dd that she is "too old for that", I would tell that person in no uncertain terms that they are not to speak that way to my child.

It's my job to stand up for what I believe in, and to stand up for my child! I don't want her ever to think that nursing is wrong, no matter how old she gets.

Kwim?

That said, if I ever feel the need to be discreet, then that is an arrangement that I need to make with my daughter, ie., we only nurse at home for nap times, etc. But never in response to someone else's hangup.