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Somewhere I've got the idea that asking your child to say 'please' and 'thankyou' is not GD...Maybe its because I'm british (?!), but I don't like to hear my dd say 'I want' all the time. Sometimes its like a constant list of orders / demands / requests. We have been cheerfully been asking her to say 'please' and 'thankyou' (not making too a big deal about it and letting it go if she doesn't comply - mostly she does anyway). I've often tried to explain simply that saying 'I want' makes people grumpy because its rude and saying 'please' makes people feel happy because it sounds like you respect them (what I mean is you are not ordering them about)... but of course I don't really expect my 2.5 yr old to really grasp that one.<br><br>
Its not a big burning issue, but I remember reading it somewhere and was just curious.<br><br>
thanks,<br>
Sarah<br>
Mum to Clara 2.5 and Edie 15 weeks.
 

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well, when i talk to them, i always say please and thank-you. i think modeling it is a better way of teaching it, than just forcing them to say it. dd always says it now. she's four.
 

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I think the problem comes when you ask them to say it when they don't mean it. Sort of like I'm sorry. Modeling is a great way to go. And if your dd learns that people are more likely to comply if she says please or thank you, then she'll be more likely to use it.
 

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I really don't know if "Please and thank you" are GD or not, since I'm new to the idea that what I've been doing all along is actually called something! but we've always modeled it to my ds and he always uses it. We also have told him things like "when someone does something nice for you, it makes them feel very happy when you tell them thank you". It isn't forced or false and I'm always complimented on his good manners.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Rigama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I really don't know if "Please and thank you" are GD or not, since I'm new to the idea that what I've been doing all along is actually called something! but we've always modeled it to my ds and he always uses it. We also have told him things like "when someone does something nice for you, it makes them feel very happy when you tell them thank you". It isn't forced or false and I'm always complimented on his good manners.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
The other way I phrase it is "when some one does something for you say 'thank-you' to let them know you appreciated it." and "You say please to let some one know you really like it when they do something for you."
 

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I think it's only bad if you're drilling it in the kid and not letting them have what they want until they say it, or putting them on the spot in front of others with "SAY THANK YOU! SAY IT!" I do what the other posters do, though.<br><br>
I've also read that you're not supposed to even ask kids to say it, because they don't understand it and you're just making them do it rotely to please us, or something. I don't agree with that. Of course they won't fully understand it, but it still makes makes it easier to handle requests for myself and others. I try not to sound like a broken record though. Modeling does seem to be the best way. I say it all the time with him, almost more than with anyone else, maybe because I'm asking him stuff so ofte, and now he says it without me asking all the time. It's like it's fun for him to do what others do.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ceilydhmama</strong></div>
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The other way I phrase it is "when some one does something for you say 'thank-you' to let them know you appreciated it." and "You say please to let some one know you really like it when they do something for you."</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>delicious</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">well, when i talk to them, i always say please and thank-you. i think modeling it is a better way of teaching it</div>
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Same here. When my kids were little and would ask for things w/o saying please, I'd just repeat their request using more polite wording. For example, if one of them said, "I want a drink," I'd go ahead and get the drink, but while doing so say, "Please may I have a drink?" Nearly every time, they'd repeat their request using my words without any prompting (I never asked or required them to say it my way). They rarely (if ever?) forget their pleases and thank yous any more, except when dealing w/ each other! Then I remind them that, like anyone else, their sibling will be more likely to be agreeable if spoken to politely.
 

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i think that saying please and thank you are very GD, personally. i think that the way some people encourage (or demand) that children say those things can be counterproductive, though. i have never asked my 2.5yo to say either of them (or "sorry", either) but he always has. i didn't think he'd pick it up as soon as he did but he's been saying all three of them (oh, and you're welcome too) since he was about 18mos old. *shrug* i was actually really pretty surprised the first few times it came out of his mouth. we were at my parents' for xmas and my brother had given him his gift (a huge truckfull of legos) and Rowan said "thank you!!!!" after every single lego that he pulled out of the truck. there were about 50. it was a long morning. LOL everybody was so impressed and said things like "wow, you've taught him well", etc...and i was like "huh?? i didn't do anything!" LOL<br><br>
i must admit that i don't say please enough so he doesn't say it as much as he says the other things. i'm getting better about that, though.<br><br>
anyway...i agree that demanding apologies, demanding thank yous, etc can teach our kids that we just have to say it even if we don't mean it. i think it's one of the lesser offenses of non-GD parenting, but it's still something i won't do.<br><br>
for some reason, it reeeally bugs me when a child is given something and the parent says "what do you say?" or worse, "what do *we* say?" AAARGH i don't know why that bugs me so much, but it does. if i'm in that situation, i'll usually say thank you myself and then say something like "wow, that was really nice of so-and-so to give you that present." and if he hasn't already, Rowan will chime in with a "thank you!!!" aaand sometimes a "you're welcome" too. LMAO!! i guess he's trying some modeling of his own!! HAHAHA
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>michelemiller</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">for some reason, it reeeally bugs me when a child is given something and the parent says "what do you say?" or worse, "what do *we* say?" AAARGH i don't know why that bugs me so much, but it does. if i'm in that situation, i'll usually say thank you myself and then say something like "wow, that was really nice of so-and-so to give you that present." and if he hasn't already, Rowan will chime in with a "thank you!!!" aaand sometimes a "you're welcome" too. LMAO!! i guess he's trying some modeling of his own!! HAHAHA</div>
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Yeah, I use the "saying it myself" technique, too. I do it for "I'm sorry," as well. Even though I wasn't the one to bump into the other kid or whatever, I am still sorry that it happened. And since ds is constantly saying the sort of things I say in various situations, this method seems likely to result in him saying these things for himself eventually.
 

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Yeah to what everyone else is saying. What is not GD is forcing them to be disingenuous in their politeness.<br><br>
I also cannot stand rude demands. DH and I have approached this by constantly pointing out that, <i>"I feel happier about doing things for you when I am asked with a nicer tone of voice. Can you try to say that again in a better way?"</i> Personally, I don't care if they say "please" outright, so long as their tone and demeaner is kind and polite. For instanc, <i>"Mom, could you get me a glass of milk when you have a chance?"</i> does not contain the word 'please,' but is perfectly polite and easy on my ears. Especially in contrast to <i>"I want some milk!"</i> Or "<i>Gimmee some milk now!"</i>
 

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Alfie Kohn even says it's okay to say that a situation is a good time to say "please" or "thank you" or "you're welcome" or "i'm sorry", etc. So you can say when someone gives your child something, "do you think [in this situation] it would be a good idea to say 'thank you'?" and then leave it up to them whether or not to do it. We've tried to do that a lot with "I'm sorry" especially just because with a 3yo crazy boy, there's a lot of aggression being acted upon these days. Or, at least, I've gotten my husband to do that instead of telling DS to say he's sorry.<br><br>
What I absolutely loathe is when other people try to make my child say something. Like when they try to give something to him, but hold it until he says "thank you". That drives me crazy!!! He's only 3! He's not gonna say it! He doesn't even know you! Give it up! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Cuss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cuss"> sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">
 

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I think there is nothing wrong with expecting our children to say "please"or "thank you" or anythign like that.<br><br>
I use please and thank you a lot myself so my kids picked it up naturally and use it a lot. However I also expect a please and thank you to be said at certain times because it is good manners so I am not hesitant to remind my children.
 

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I like to remind dd that I consider very polite when a person (yes you too DD!) uses these words. And I model them, like pp said, which is new to me because I have struggled with "thank-yous" my whole life (not please so much, or your welcome, just thank you<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch">). But I prefer it to be learned. I generally don't like it when someone reminds their child to use the words as in "What do you say?" I think for the most part my dd knows when and why to use the words and should be able to decide for herself when she wants to use them. Likewise, I don't like to force apologies, because then she may get into the habit of just automatically saying I'm sorry, even if it's not sincere. Sometimes I wonder if parents just like to prove they are in fact teaching the golden rules when they insist "what do you say?" I know I've done this in the past for this reason but I try not to anymore. KWIM?
 

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The "Iwants" and "gimmees" annoy me badly. We've usually said, "hmm, what might be a more gentle/polite way to ask for that?" And she might use the word "please" or she might say, "do you mind getting me some milk." Either is fine with me, as long as it isn't spoken really rudely. I will usually be on my way to the kitchen when getting it, but I have a hard time with children/adults/anyone who barks orders at me.<br><br>
With "thank you," and "sorry" we haven't ever made her say either - cos sometimes, those aren't the right words to say. If she doesn't say anything to either, we do try to get the process going by saying, "X is really sad right now because you hit her. What could we do or say?" or "grandma was wanting to be generous to buy you that My Little Pony With the Sparkling Eyes of Mystery that makes 17 different noises...what might you say to her?"<br><br>
Whereas <i>I</i> might <i>not</i> think the appropriate response would be "thank you" in that situation, she can come up with her own response. Which usually is Thank you, or this is a nice present or whatever grateful-sounding thing she comes up with. Whereas I might say, "Thanks - did you include a receipt?" Just kidding.<br><br>
I think it's GD to say please, thank you, sorry - it's more about the process of getting there - is it an internalized response or will they get in trouble for not saying the "right" response? And there's only one right response? There are many ways to say these words...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>michelemiller</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">for some reason, it reeeally bugs me when a child is given something and the parent says "what do you say?" or worse, "what do *we* say?"</div>
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I do this all the time, and I see nothing wrong with it. For example, a woman at the bank gave my dd a sucker the other day, and I know she was thankful, but she was wowed by the actual sucker, so as soon as she had it she was looking at it and distracted. So I gently reminded her, and she gladly said, "Thank you." I usually try to whisper it so I don't embarrass her, and my feeling has always been that she's glad I reminded her because she'll look up and shout it the person with a big old grin.<br><br>
I agree, it's totally lame when people withold things until they hear it. To me, that defeats the purpose of the "magic words", which really are just a habit, and a good one to have. That's why I have no problem reminding my dd to use them. It's like washing your hands, or covering your mouth when you sneeze, just something you use to make life for everyone easier. They're just the grease that helps us slide more gently through society.<br><br>
Except for "sorry". I think it's in a different league.
 

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do you think that your dd would have responded the same way if you'd said "thank you. wasn't that nice of the lady to give you the sucker?" or something like that? so that the reminder isn't as "obvious" (bad word but ican't think of another one) and is more like just giving her another opportunity to use the manners she already knows...kwim?
 

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I think when parents ask their children to say "please" and "thank you" it's mostly for their children to form the habit of saying these things. Explanations about why we say these words are also included when I say these.<br><br>
Ds is 2 and he's learned "please", "meemee" (meaning "excuse me") and "thank you" now. We're still working on "thank you". He finds it fun to learn something new to say, and I've always said "thank you" to him. However, he hasn't picked it up so we're introducing it for him to say <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I usually just sign "thanks" or "please" unobtrusively to remind the kids. Usually no one else even notices.
 
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