[freestylemama]

Hi. I'm new here and I've been lurking. I've seen some references to momas saying that they don't encourage their kids to share. Can someone please explain this to me? I want generous kids who put people above stuff. I love it when my LO shares with others and I can't imagine discouraging it. If you discourage sharing, can you please explain why and also talk about how your child interacts with others? What happens when your child grabs something from another kiddo? Do you encourage taking turns?

Thanks!

 

[AllisonR]

Hi, not sure what you are referring to. I encourage DS and DD to share. I often give one child two items and ask them to take one and give the other to their sibling. If one offers a toy to the other, I often say "DS/DD, that was really nice of you to share xyz." If they grab something, they definitely loose the item, or they have to work out a trade. (unfortunately, the whine "but I had it FIRST" is now popular in our house).

 

[MusicianDad]

I'm not sure what your referring to either. I know there are parents on here who don't believe in pushing their kids to share because it basically goes against what sharing is, willingly allowing someone else to use your stuff. Parents like me and DH who may ask if DD wants to share but accept it if she says no because after all they are her things and it's up to her if she wants to let someone else use them.

Kids are really the only people who are made to share against their will. Adults always have the right to say 'no' and no one questions that. Not fair IMO.

 

[ann_of_loxley]

Not forcing your child to share does not mean 'not encouraging' or 'discouraging' sharing.

I do not force my son to share.

Such as:

I do not set arbitrary rules to sharable things (such as toys) - instead I am realistic to my childs age and their understanding.

I do not insist my son give up his things - instead, though I will ask, I repsect his right to his things (such as his toys). If we have friends over, the does not have to 'share' his toys. They are his toys. This has not yet been a real issue. It is something we talk about. We are having friends over. They are coming over to see you and play with your toys. If there are any 'special' toys we do not like other people to play with we can put them up and away where they can't.

I do not 'snatch' from him (even if he has 'snatched' from another child/person) - instead I listen, talk, and help him problem solve in an age appropriate way. How can we teach our children that 'snatching' is not okay when we do it to them? Whatever you want to call it - if we forcably take something from their hands (even if its 'gently') ...they learn that they too can do that. Its never actually been a problem with us (my son has 'snatched' only a couple of times but has given toy back when we talked about it and when I listened to him) - but if snatcher does not want to give toy back, that is their choice (with natural concequences - not to be confused with logical concequences) - my attention would be off them and onto offended child where often listening and validating feelings can often be enough. Snatcher child can learn that we do not get attention for such behaviours and thats it often not fun to play alone and having had made another person upset - and if it is an ongoing problem, that we are not making friends playing that way/that no one wants to play with us when we treat them that way/etc. (I have encountered only one child who behaves likes this and it really has nothing to do with 'sharing' ...in such cases, it is important to look at reason behind behaviour - not just behaviour)

There is a lot of talking about feelings. (So and so really wanted to play with that toy. She likes how the lights are so bright! Do you think it would be fun to share it with her? Are you feeling upset/angry because...--if not-- When you are finished we can let some one else play with it --if not--if its abandoned I will hand it out anyhow not being our toy --if other child is upset/or if situation is reversed and your child is the one upset-- talk to other/your child about how they feel, how we can wait, how we can find something else to play with in the meantime ...situations are endless, learning about sharing is endless and I feel it can all be done without force or coercion or punishment and with respect and listening and talking and consensual solutions). There is a lot of pointing out how other people feel (without shaming) - even in non-sharing situations, simply pointing out how others feel and/or perhaps how our actions make others feel -- that made him happy when you shared your biscuits with him...etc (or course theres a lot to just not saying anything if you find yourself manipulatively pointing out your childs actions - which I also avoid). There is a lot of modeling - espeically on my part...from day one really! I am sharing my body with him when he is BF. I am sharing my bed with him when we go to sleep at night. I am sharing my time and attention with him when I put down my book and/or step away from the computer. I am sharing my bowl of popcorn with him. I am sharing my thoughts and dreams with him. It is never ending. I am also sharing with him how I don't want to share... This necklace is really special to me and I am worried that if it is played with it will get broken... I am sharing how we might have expectations that can not be met and then I am sharing how we can talk about that, feel about that, and move on...I am sharing instead a less important piece of jewelry to me that my DS can play with and that will not upset me if it is broken.

It is a learning process and not something that happens overnight. I feel it is best a process learned through respect, unconditional love, conesnsual solutions, etc... so there is never any forcing, or coercion, or punishment invovled.

 

[tankgirl73]

:

That's exactly it. When most parents talk about 'teaching' their kids about 'sharing', they're talking about situations like:

1. Your child's toy is taken ('snatched') by another child. Your child starts to cry (understandably). You tell your child "no, no, share your toys." or "it's his turn now."

2. Your child snatches a toy from another child. You take it from your child and give it back to the first child. You tell your child "no, no, share the toys." or "it's his turn now."

See how that would be confusing for your child??? In both situations, "sharing" means YOU LOSE YOUR TOY. Only rarely is a child in a situation where they are on the "receiving end" of a "forced sharing." So they learn that sharing is a NEGATIVE thing from their perspective, and don't learn what it truly means.

And when it DOES happen that your child is on the receiving end of sharing, it's usually in a context where your child will end up with a "haha, I won that battle" kind of attitude. So you get situations where your child wants a toy another child has, and your child starts demanding "Hey you have to SHARE!" or "mom he won't SHARE with me!!!"

Forced sharing teaches selfish motives for sharing, not spontaneous affection or fairness.

Another fact is that kids/toddlers of a certain age are just starting to understand and integrate the idea of personal possessions, as well as ideas of fairness, and of power vs helplessness in fulfilling their own desires. Wanting to keep a toy for themselves is a natural part of their development and is not "selfishness" in the adult sense of the word. Forcing kids to give up their beloved toy in the name of "sharing" goes against their developmental abilities and isn't necessary either. It's not a selfish sin that needs to be broken out of them, in other words.

We've never "taught" or "made" DD share. We do mention it when she shares spontaneously, by thanking her for instance. She shares quite a lot, in fact. Still has her "mine!" moments, of course, but as I said, that's a natural development. She's figuring out that things CAN belong to her, and that's an important thing.

But it's certainly not about DIScouraging sharing. No more than, say, not holding your 6mo infant in a standing position for an hour each day and moving their legs in a walking pattern and trying to force them to bear their own weight would be discouraging walking. It's not something you need to force.

EDITED TO ADD: I wanted to reiterate and emphasize the PP's comments in regards to teaching sharing BY EXAMPLE. Children learn by example, by imitation, first and foremost. If you always are asking THEM to share, but never having them be shared WITH, then they don't learn it as a positive thing. When you all share with each other, then they will naturally pick up on that. I suspect that's why DD is so apt to voluntarily share her stuff. That's how she's always seen it done around here.

 

[Chamsia]

I've not given this much formal thought, but I realize that I do encourage both voluntary and forced sharing. I think it's appropriate. I also think it's fine for there to be different rules for children and adults. Of course one needs to respect the child as a person with rights and feelings and legitimate concerns etc etc. But I am here to protect and teach. When she's an adult she can choose to eat junk food, wear no coat or socks outdoors in the winter, and never share.

Things like sharing, waiting your turn, being considerate of others are NOT always innate behaviors, alas. Of course I want my tot to learn the joy of sharing of her free will (which, at age 2.5, she already has). But she also needs to learn manners. When I have guests I share even if I don't feel like it.

Happily, so far our daughter is willing to share most of the time. I think some of that is because, as a previous poster wrote, kids learn by example. My daughter sees my husband and I sharing food and items with friends, and receiving in kind. She sees us offer things to guests when they come over. She sees us all thank each other, and all enjoy each others' company. She often says things like "I'm sharing my toys with Penelope!" or "Caleb shared his snack with me, isn't that nice of him?" And she'll ask, "Can you share?"

When she is not willing to share, though, depending on the situation, I will express my disappointment in her and/or enforce sharing. Sharing, whether you want to or not, is good manners. I really miss it when people don't have good manners, both adults and children. Having poor manners makes life a lot more difficult for both the "offender" (s/he with no manners) and the "victim" (of the bad manners.) I want my children to learn that, with obvious exceptions, good manners come before our personal whims. And the earlier you model and teach good manners, the more likely they will become second nature.

We always need to be thoughtful about where our children are coming from, and approach what we are teaching from that empathetic and respectful place. But my daughter will be taught that sharing is what we do when we're with others. If she wants to keep certain items to herself they can be put out of sight. We need to consider that ahead of time. As parents it's our job to help her anticipate the need for that or other measures taken to ensure that we are able to behave politely (share) when we are with others.

Just like kids need to learn to brush their teeth, they need to learn to get along with others. It does not necessarily come naturally. I really believe that good manners promote Peace on Earth, and I'm all for that!

 

[justthinkn]

I was really confused by this idea, too, when I started browsing here and in the Gentle Discipline forum. And I've realized it's an area where I'm just going with my gut as a parent

I think sharing is much more difficult for some kiddos, just basic personality, and what encouraging sharing looks like for them is going to look very different than it might for a kid who is more easygoing about sharing. You want sharing to be a positive experience, even if a little "stretching" - but what's stretching for one child would be world-shattering to another. Given time and gentle encouragement, both types are likely to end up as wonderful, generous people

Since my daughter is of the more easygoing kind, I feel more free to expect sharing of most things in most situations (not her most special things, and not in really stressful situations) b/c I think children are naturally social and want to be included in social exchanges. I don't insist that she allow a child to keep a toy snatched from her, I don't snatch toys out of her hand to give them back to someone... I model sharing and use sharing language in our everyday exchanges, and I help her find ways she can share willingly when we're out and about or have little ones over. So while not sharing something may not be a choice when she has lots of toys and another child has none, she has all sorts of choices about what to share and how.

Oh, and part of this is b/c from my perspective, most of "her" toys are really the family's toys. I want her to feel security of ownership in her most precious items, but she doesn't need exclusive privileges to that many things. Many of them have been shared with us in the first place as gifts and hand-me-downs, and they will be shared with future siblings... Anyway, that's the attitude I try to communicate. I definitely understand it will be years before she understands all that cognitively, but I think she can pick up a lot about social exchanges at this point.

 

[VeezieTG]

i'm wondering if the difference in opinion comes from the ages and number of children. i notice alot of that "don't force the share issue" posters have only children or children who are spaced out quite a bit. i, on the other hand, have 2 boys just 2 years apart and another on the way who will also be 2 years younger than the youngest. this creates a different dynamic in our house. my bf, an only child, thought we should just get 2 of everything for the boys, and so did his mom, obviously the mother of an only child. i, on the other hand, the 3rd kid, in a 4 kid 6yr marathon my parents had (

) grew up fully expecting to share every single thing i owned even though i was the only girl. i expect my boys to share their things. and if they don't share, they have their toy taken, or they have to figure out something else to give to their brother that their brother will be equally happy with. i don't want to say i FORCE it, as my oldest is an amazing sharer anyway. but i don't let it slide. no way. and i think that "getting the true meaning of sharing" is a little beyond them. it is definately, imho, one of those behaviors that need to be learned from doing, and can be understood by the person later. i can't say that my parents MAKING me share as a child has made me somehow resent sharing now as an adult. and as long as they "get the meaning of sharing" by the time their an adult, i'm cool with a little "you just have to do it this way, because this is the way people do things" type teaching...

 

[angelamariebee]

My DD is an only child so she's used to having all her toys to herself. I don't force sharing either, because it's such a new concept to her. Instead I try to help her reach a compromise with other children, as in finding a similar toy so they can both play together. I do encourage taking turns when this isn't possible, like if they are playing a board game. Sometimes I just sit back and observe without interfering. I think these things can be learned with little guidance from adults. If a friend comes up and takes a toy from her, I don't rush to give it back because the experience teaches her it's not a nice thing to do. I don't really have to intervene very often when she's playing with other kids. Sharing really isn't a huge issue for us.

 

[Whistler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad Kids are really the only people who are made to share against their will. Adults always have the right to say 'no' and no one questions that. Not fair IMO.

I don't know about this. I feel pretty "forced" to share 13% of our paycheck with the federal government every two weeks.

 

[Disco Infiltrator]

I think what people mean is that they don't force the concept of sharing on their kids.

If you think about sharing, it's not the action of letting other kids use your toys that we really want. It's that when you share your things it makes other people feel good, and when you hoard your things it makes other people feel unwelcome. We do not tell DS to share, do not make him give up his toys, but when a conflict arises we do talk about how DS sharing his toys will result in his playmates feeling welcomed, included and happy. He actually gets this and will usually make the decision to then share. And if he won't share, we tell DS' playmate that DS doesn't feel like sharing right now and offer an alternative.

We basically don't force DS to do or say anything he doesn't choose himself under the auspice of teaching him manners. There will be plenty of time to discuss social expectations as he gets older, and when he can understand that there's more out there than himself in this world. And despite us not really focusing on or instilling manners, he's a mostly polite kid for a two year old. Basically, sharing isn't an issue for us either.

I think that's what people mean by not sharing. It's an outside the mainstream of parenting concept but for those of us who practice these approaches they seem to work.

 

[Whistler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Disco Infiltrator I think what people mean is that they don't force the concept of sharing on their kids. If you think about sharing, it's not the action of letting other kids use your toys that we really want. It's that when you share your things it makes other people feel good, and when you hoard your things it makes other people feel unwelcome. We do not tell DS to share, do not make him give up his toys, but when a conflict arises we do talk about how DS sharing his toys will result in his playmates feeling welcomed, included and happy. He actually gets this and will usually make the decision to then share. And if he won't share, we tell DS' playmate that DS doesn't feel like sharing right now and offer an alternative. We basically don't force DS to do or say anything he doesn't choose himself under the auspice of teaching him manners. There will be plenty of time to discuss social expectations as he gets older, and when he can understand that there's more out there than himself in this world. And despite us not really focusing on or instilling manners, he's a mostly polite kid for a two year old. Basically, sharing isn't an issue for us either. I think that's what people mean by not sharing. It's an outside the mainstream of parenting concept but for those of us who practice these approaches they seem to work.

I was an only child for my first 11 years and basically behaved the same way.

My kids are 23 months apart and this method would never in a million years work. Just my $0.02.

 

[MusicianDad]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whistler I don't know about this. I feel pretty "forced" to share 13% of our paycheck with the federal government every two weeks.

I wouldn't consider that sharing though.

My brother and I are pretty close in age (approx. 3 years) and we were never forced to share. In fact I distinctly remember being informed that while it would be nice for my brother to share one of his toys with me, it was still his toy and the final descision was his.

That being said, once we were older we pretty much developed a carte blanche with each others stuff with no ill feelings about it. We pretty much developed a system and the rules around it.

 

[St. Margaret]

Well, I have an only so far, but I grew up in a house where my mom ran a day care, and what she did with those 12 kids works really well with our unconditional parenting philosophy-- we don't allow grabbing of toys out of hands. If you put a toy down, it's fair game. If DD grabs a toy from someone, we talk to her about how that makes the other kid feel, and she gives it back. If someone grabs from her, she's likely to just let go and maybe get sad, so if we see it happen we'll try to talk to the other kid to get it back. If it's a stranger kid at the park, I might take it out of their hands so it doesn't disapear, if the kid seems ready to run off. But mostly we just talk about how it all makes us feel. When DD shares, we remark how happy the other kid looks, etc. Pretty "wooza wooza" as we say, but it's really working and DD shares very willingly the vast majority of the time.

I don't want to be a parent that just lets toy-grabbing go, as the one child asks nicely for their toy back. I don't think it's respectful to the child. But I would like DD to develop the ability to decide to share and to speak up for herself as she grows. She's not ready to get the idea of asking and waiting patiently, like an adult would share, not on her own. But that doesn't mean that all things should become communal property that can simply be grabbed at will.

 

[sahmama_12]

I have two close in age and another on the way and I don't force sharing. I also don't allow stealing. But if one child is playing with a toy they can choose whether or not to share. We have many toys. They can play with a toy (even a toy as elaborate as a train set for days on end if they choose without sharing) we help the other child find a toy he will enjoy playing with too. That said I find my boys share more readily on their own than most children who are forced to share. We encourage sharing but don't force it. And sharing doesn't mean you lose your toy, as many of the parents I know seem to mean.