[texmati]

I've always been happy about dh and my relationship, when we were dating, even when MIL was living with us, even when we had a high needs kids who never slept etc.

Now that the second baby is here and I'm a SAHM and I'm finally 'better' from being pregnant since 2009; I feel like we should be on easy street. But things are crappy.

It's jsut a general feeling-- I can't put my finger on it. Hugs are fewer, kisses are fewer. We snap at each other. We barely have sex. Small things, like if he's passing me as he leaves the room, I'll think he's going to hug me, but he doesn't. Sometimes I feel so angry at him! Right now I almost literally hate him. I've never felt like this before. I don't know if it's just me (i have an appt for ppd on tuesday) or him too.

I've tried to talk to him over and over it seems like. He says that he doesn't feel any differently towards me; no anger, no resentment. When I ask him about concrete things that i feel that are different; he chalks it up to just feeling tired. which is true, we are tired. But I feel that something is off. I feel a lack or a hole in my heart, and i don't know what to do? Could it really all be in my head?

 

[babygirlie]

Could you ask him to triple up on hugs whether he thinks he's doing enough or not? You kinda sound like me.

 

[Jane]

Quote:

Originally Posted by texmati

(i have an appt for ppd on tuesday)

This is exactly where my brain went when I was reading this.

 

[rightkindofme]

Yeah, my husband thinks the sun shines out of my butt but I still perceive him as disliking me a lot of the time. It's about my perceptions being skewed, not his feelings. I am kind of pathetic and when I'm having those feelings I give laundry lists of things I want him to do to make me feel loved. Because he is totally whipped he does his best but he also has frank conversations with me about how much time there is in a day and how much energy he has.

I think you just muddle through for a few years. I keep telling him how much I want to have an affair with him. I pray we get to that point soon because the romance department kind of sucks in our house.

 

[texmati]

Quote:

Originally Posted by babygirlie

Could you ask him to triple up on hugs whether he thinks he's doing enough or not? You kinda sound like me.

Yes, I've done this and it works for a few days or weeks and then we are back to the same thing. Or, as this is a long weekend, I told him-- hey, I'd like to have hang out this weekend. And he was enthusiastic, but keeps fallling asleep with the kids at bed time etc. It's not his fault, and he istired, but I just whish he wanted it just as much as me, yk?

 

[PoppyMama]

Sounds like y'all are in kid/functional mode and that is aggravating your stress and depression issues. It's normal and no ones fault but your relationship can fall victim to it. I've noticed that the perceived lack of love erodes at attraction for me and without he courtship I I get crabbier and feel less close. Being goofy and dplayful and consciously touching him and being silly and affectionate when it doesn't feel natural helps. Laughing together about something other than kids is a huge achievement and relationship preserved. Be sweet to each other and remember that at some point love is a verb not just a feeling and doing it can be kind of like working out.

 

[texmati]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Sounds like y'all are in kid/functional mode and that is aggravating your stress and depression issues. It's normal and no ones fault but your relationship can fall victim to it. I've noticed that the perceived lack of love erodes at attraction for me and without he courtship I I get crabbier and feel less close. Being goofy and dplayful and consciously touching him and being silly and affectionate when it doesn't feel natural helps. Laughing together about something other than kids is a huge achievement and relationship preserved. Be sweet to each other and remember that at some point love is a verb not just a feeling and doing it can be kind of like working out.

I'm not trying to make excuses-- but what about when you feel like you are all out of hugs to give? It's hard to make an effort and see no response. (Or maybe not teh response that you are used to). I try to view his taking care of the kids etc as caring behavior; but the truth is that that has nothing to do with me. He'd care for the kids regardless of how he was feeling about me.

 

[rightkindofme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by texmati

I'm not trying to make excuses-- but what about when you feel like you are all out of hugs to give? It's hard to make an effort and see no response. (Or maybe not teh response that you are used to). I try to view his taking care of the kids etc as caring behavior; but the truth is that that has nothing to do with me. He'd care for the kids regardless of how he was feeling about me.

He probably feels like this too. I keep trying because I know that we are both giving to the extent we are capable right now. Sometimes that means I don't get everything I need and it is hard and it hurts.

I don't know if your husband is like mine. It's possible he is being passive aggressive... but I'd be inclined to wait until my youngest is more like 18 months, or two years old before I took it personally or as a sign that the marriage has gone bad. That's when our older daughter got WAY easier and our relationship started to return to being about "us". Then I got pregnant.

We talk a lot about being excited that we have something like 8-12 more months before things start getting easier again.

 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Mama, going from none to one is hard enough, but from one to two is the road to HELL. The first year IS SOOOOOO HARD. The PPD appt is a good thing. Like Right said, perception is 90% of the issues alot of times.

You are both in survival mode right now. It will get better. Or rather, you will get used to all the changed and be able to relax a little eventually.

 

[insidevoice]

It is totally survival mode with two little ones close in age. In my marriage, it is my husband who is feeling neglected, and I am very sorry for that, but I have absolutely nothing left to give some days. By the time the youngest is about 18 months old it begins to get better. We are going to have baby #4 in December, and while I am excited about that, I am dreading the 'pulled in so many directions' feeling of the first year or so. Luckily DH doesn't push for more attention from me most of the time(good because that would just make me angry and resentful) and we'll have time again to focus on us in a couple years.

 

[Skippy918]

I know how you feel. We just had our 2nd one also and things are crappy here too. We've had no alone time cause DD goes to bed so late and I'm exhausted from dealing with the wake-ups. DH has also been swamped with big projects at work which is stressing him out some. DD is colicky and cries a lot and DH really doesn't tolerate the crying well, so that adds fuel to the fire.

Could your DH be suffering from depression?

 

[Doodlebugsmom]

The hardest time in my marriage was after our second was born. Ours are about 2.5 years apart. Looking back, I'm fairly certain I had PPD. Or at the very least, I was extremely overwhelmed and dh's job was insane and I felt totally neglected. (He probably felt neglected too!)

I also have a hard time voicing my needs. That didn't help matters at all. Now our kids are 7 and 9.5. Things are much better now, and have been for quite some time. Good luck with your appointment, and I hope things start improving soon!

 

[journeymom]

Your good marriage has not gone bad at all. My heavens, you have a 12 week old child. I agree with the above, that 2nd child really is a huge change, like a little bomb.

A good marriage isn't one that never experiences boredom or sadness. Boredom, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment are inevitable. It's coming, it's going to 'happen' to you over and over throughout your marriage. But, again, this time after the 2nd child is born is particularly difficult.

I can't say as I have some concise and clever definition of what a good marriage IS. Have some patience, and an open mind to a new, quieter and very solid marriage. It will be different. Said from this side of 18 years of marriage, with a 16 y.o. and a 12 y.o.

 

[CI Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by journeymom

Your good marriage has not gone bad at all. My heavens, you have a 12 week old child. I agree with the above, that 2nd child really is a huge change, like a little bomb.

A good marriage isn't one that never experiences boredom or sadness. Boredom, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment are inevitable. It's coming, it's going to 'happen' to you over and over throughout your marriage. But, again, this time after the 2nd child is born is particularly difficult.

I spent the entire first year of DD's life convinced that divorce was inevitable, I just didn't have the time & energy to make it happen right then. Now that DD is nearing 3 years old, things are MUCH better. I'm glad I didn't do anything drastic while I was sleep deprived, working through birth trauma, and trying to adjust to parenting (and working a full-time job).

Good marriages can go through periods that don't feel great. Sometimes I think you just have to commit to staying together, even when life isn't fun. If DH is a good parent, that counts for a lot!

You don't have to ignore your feelings that things aren't quite right...just keep telling yourself to hang in there for another month...another 3 months...another 6 months...whatever feels doable. You can always re-evaluate later, when you have more energy and fewer demands on your body and brain, and figure out if there's something deeper going on that needs to be addressed. In the meantime, treading water, though it doesn't feel great, may be the only way to get through.

One more thought...do you have birth trauma that you're working through? If so, that might be adding another element to the whole dynamic. I remember wanting so much reassurance, love & support from my partner when I was working through my birth trauma. To me, it felt like a reasonable request, but to her it was really overwhelming and tiresome that I was always asking for support. I had to accept that her support was coming in a different form...she was doing most of the household chores, doing a lot of childcare, putting her job on the back burner, etc. It wasn't precisely what I felt like I wanted and needed, but I came to terms with the fact that it was not her job to heal my birth trauma...that was my work. Anyway, just some perspective there if it helps.

 

[texmati]

Oh, thank you for all the responses--- I'll try to get to everyone!

Firstly, I have tried being abit more goofy etc today and it's really helped. I think it is really about perception, as *right kind of me* said. There are somethings that I see that I take in completely the worst way possible, instead of brushing it off like I would have before. I also talked to my mom about babysitting this weekend, and she seems ready to take both the kiddos! (they are a handful!) . I'm hopeful that things will get better.

Oh, and I appreciate so much the responses that it's just hard with 2 kids. It really, really is! With one, it seemed possible to get a break. With two, it feels like someone is always with me. And if not with me, than with DH. I keep thinking that once DD is my son's age, it will be so much easier, but it seems like an eternity to get there!

Also, I know a few months of frustration and arguments isn't a big deal in the long run-- definitely not thinking divorce or anything-- but I don't want this to become a way of life. I've seen many 'bad marriages' up close (all of them still 'together') and desperately don't want to end up that way.

 

[PoppyMama]

How are you doing? I've been trying to take my own advice and be more lovey and happy with my family. It feels weird sometimes and it can be a strain but it helps.

 

[GuildJenn]

We just went from 1 to 2 too and it is really an adjustment. No down time again! Touched out nursing body! Sleep craziness!

I'm glad today was better. My DH and I have taken to texting each other silly stuff and that helps - no touch required either. And we also have tried to prioritize a bit of romance and whenever we pull it off, it helps a TON.

I think the main thing really is to keep at it in that light way. At least that's my theory.

 

[texmati]

I just wanted to update.. things are so, so, so much better in general. It was the depression. I started on meds, and things were so, so much better. This last week, they seemd to stop working, and I noticed how my opinion of DH and our marriage totally tanked. I think when I get very anxious; I tend to lean on him alot. His work is busy, and with two kids there is a limit to what he can do. Thank you all for your advice!

 

[pupsnelda]

Great news!

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by texmati

I just wanted to update.. things are so, so, so much better in general. It was the depression. I started on meds, and things were so, so much better. This last week, they seemd to stop working, and I noticed how my opinion of DH and our marriage totally tanked. I think when I get very anxious; I tend to lean on him alot. His work is busy, and with two kids there is a limit to what he can do. Thank you all for your advice!

Great that you got the depression part figured out. It's not uncommon to need an increase in meds, especially as your hormones fluctuate postpartum. If you haven't seen your doc for a check up, schedule one and talk about the right level of med for you. There are no prizes for taking too little medication. (I had PPD with both my kids .With my 1st, I was OK with the 'starter' dose. With my second, I needed 3 increases.)

It's also good that you can recognize the signs of not doing well -- when you get really down on your dh, something's up with you. (My indication is that I can't fall asleep.) there's a great book called "Women's Moods" that you might want to check out. It's got a great section on self-care that you can work on following to help our yourself and your meds.