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about something your dc won't do, how would you react?<br><br>
Example- ds's friend (4.5yo) wanted him to watch tv with him. DS decided he'd watched enough tv for the day, and wanted to just play. He was playing on the floor, just a few feet away from Friend. Friend was very upset, and crying/yelling.<br><br>
Another one- Ds and Friend were playing outside one day, and DS was cold and wanted to come in. Friend wanted to stay outside and play. He was VERY upset that ds wouldn't stay out with him. Cried and screamed for at least 15 minutes, I'd say.<br><br>
Is there anything that I should do in these situations? Both times I made a few suggestion to ds that Friend would like him to do X, but then let it go when ds said he was sure he didn't want to. I tried to make some fun suggestions to Friend as to what they could do together, but that obviously didn't help any. lol.<br><br>
Is that enough? I shouldn't try to talk ds into doing it, right?<br><br>
Ds doesn't seem bothered by Friend's crying. Evidently he doesn't have a lot of empathy, at 3.5. lol.
 

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Yeah, I wouldn't do anything else. If you forced your ds to do what his friend wants him to do (which I know you wouldn't), he would probably feel pretty resentful. A 3.5 year old shouldn't put their friends' needs before their own, at least not more than once in a great while, IMNSHO. The 4.5 yo's reaction seems a little over-the-top. Was he really tired?
 

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Is this a playdate situation? Was friend's parent there? If friend's parent was there, then I think you were fine and parent should take over comforting and redirecting friend. If this was a drop-off playdate where you were responsible for both children, then I think its probably your responsibility to "mediate" into a mutually-acceptable activity or to set them up to play independently for a bit. Its not necessary to have either child conform to the other's wishes, but I think it is necessary to guide them towards being good hosts and guests. In those situations, my next move is generally "Snack time!" with something special.
 

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This may be a little below the level for a 3.4-4.5 year old, as my daughter is only two, but when she wants another kid to do something and they don't want to, I say, "Noli, she said 'No, thank you.' She doesn't want to, and we don't make people do what they don't want to do. You can do X, and she can do Y, and that's okay." Usually this is shortened to, "No, thank you," and she is able to accept it and walk away. I use the same explanation for other children when they want Noli to do something.<br><br>
Hope that helps?<br><br>
EDIT: I also think it's important to put the "thank you" in there. If he just says "no," and walks away, he may be hurting his friend's feelings. I think "no thank you" is a much gentler, friendlier way of saying no, and he can associate it with other times he's refused offers himself. (eg, when I said "no thank you" to the peas at last night's dinner, it wasn't a big deal, so when my friend says "no thank you" to play-dough today, it's not a big deal either.) Or try other phrases like, "maybe later," or "sometime soon," etc. Just to soften the blow of rejection.
 

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Actually it sounds like your DS is already good and in touch with his limits! Which is awesome. I would just work on having him say he doesn't want to do what his friend is asking in a nice way.<br><br>
Like "I'm sorry, I feel cold and would like to go inside to play now."<br><br>
It's too bad the other children are taking his change of plans so hard, but you don't want to encourage him to do something he doesn't want to do just because someone else wants him to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Evan&Anna's_Mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10689981"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If friend's parent was there, then I think you were fine and parent should take over comforting and redirecting friend.</div>
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Yes, his mom was there, and did (does) do some comforting and redirecting- not that it really helps much. lol. It doesn't happen when I'm babysitting him, I think just because he can be more himself with his mom.<br><br>
I will work on having ds respond in a nicer way. At this point, he's ok about it, but doesn't say "no, thank you" which might soften the blow. Though he does tend to bring it up afterwards. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br>
Yeah, I'll definitely try "no, thank you."<br>
I do tell DS that we don't make people do things they don't want to do, but I don't feel right saying that to Friend when his mom is there too, yk?<br><br>
This is an almost daily occurance in the last week or so. Today was again about ds not wanting to play outside as long as his friend did. sigh.<br><br>
Thanks all. I was pretty sure I shouldn't try to talk ds into doing anything. It's just disconcerting to see a kid so upset! (which is probably why I suck so much at dealing with whining and tantrums with my own ds).
 

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THis happens with one of ds's friends - she's coping a lot better over time (they are almost 5 now). If at her house she tends to storm off to her room and slam the door and yell for a few minutes. Her mum will try and comfort her and just let her know that my ds had had enough doing whatever it was - validate and listen. DS usually lets her know politely that he's had enough and if she doesn't respond well will just move away and play elsewhere or come over to me as a security thing. I don't ask him to play with his friend when he's indicated otherwise - if however, I'm not sure if he's picked up on her request etc I'll just rephrase it for him to respond to as he does. Myself and my friend let both kids know that it's perfectly ok for them to want to play separately for a while and my friend helps her dd work through her disappointment.
 

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Yeah definitely don't make him do something he doesn't want to be doing in these totally reasonable situations. You wouldn't want your son to learn to me submissive to everyones wants. It sounds like the other kids are more the problem than your own. He knows what he wants or needs and that is a good thing.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Ds doesn't seem bothered by Friend's crying. Evidently he doesn't have a lot of empathy, at 3.5. lol.</td>
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I don't think he is low on empathy. It sounds to me like he has a healthy sense of self and refuses to be manipulated by his friend's tantrums.
 
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