[MyLittleWonders]

Okay, so dh and I are talking about what in our house is non-negotiable, and wanting to set boundaries accordingly. For instance, a big non-negotiable behavior is hitting/kicking/biting - basically we don't physically hurt people. We are having quite a hard time with our 5 yo right now (as I've also written about in another thread), and he will hit and kick us when he's mad. So, what do you do when that boundary gets crossed? How do you handle crossed boundaries/non-negotiables?

And, as an aside, how do you handle extreme sassing, attitude and general bratty-sounding words/voice? It's like another child has taken over our oldest and I'm so not enjoying his visit.

 

[lccreature]

I don't have any advice for you because....We are going through the same thing! I think the same kid has also taken over our DS (5 1/2). We are dealing with some back talking and sassiness and even sticking out his tonuge at us. DH is having a harder time dealing with the respect issue. I think a lot has to do with the age. I would love to hear what others have to say about how to handle non-negotiables as well. DS #1 and DS #2 are hitting each other more and more. We have tried time outs (before I knew about the effect on the kids) I have been talking to them about how to handle it, but doesn't seem to be helping. HELP

 

[mykdsmomy]

Brit~ can you give us an example of a typical scenario?

 

[SoggyGranolaMomma]

I'd be curious too. I have a couple in the mix that are physical or sassy.

:

Currently, we've tried, "that's not nice" or asking "why would you do that to me?" There is something not sitting right with me about either of those and I can pretty much find something negative in every possible statement I can create.

We've taken to just walking away and saying, "when you are ready to talk nicely, then we can chat" That's with the whole "sass" thing.

With the hitting thing. I go to the hurt child first, comfort them and then ask the other child why they did what they did? Usually, I get a grunt and a thumbsuck from my 3 yr old, who knows what he did was wrong. I'll then ask if he's tired or hungry, in need of a nap or a snack. What then happens is he yells at me, "no, he doesn't need a nap" which clearly indicates he does. I tell him he's going to feel better after he has a nap and would he like to walk up to his room or does he want me to carry him? Sometimes that works, other times it doesn't.

I tend to try and look more at WHY they are out of control of their emotions because they usually don't WANT to hit. They regress to their basic instincts when they don't have the energy to be "good" anymore. I also do my best to know whether the situation they are in is too much for them to handle developmentally. It is a guarantee that if my kids are overtired and/or overstimulated they will meltdown. If I push them too hard like a late visit with family or running errands at lunch time, they will be bears, uncivilized, savage, bears.

 

[Luthien Arcamenel]

This is the issue I have with boards like this. Everyone is there to point out what you're doing wrong,... but solutions?

Books on common sense and loving ideals are easy to think, write, read, and wholeheartedly believe, however life ican be difficult to live.

Just like SoggyGranola, I can find something wrong with every possible thing to say. THAT is the problem with reading too much!

Finally I settled on what I would say to anyone who spoke poorly to me. (Now, watch this will get lots of responses to your questions...) I respond to sass with an "I do not deserve to be spoken to like that. When you are prepared to speak to me about this with the same amount of loving respect that I speak to you with, then we can discuss this, and find a suitable solution." Now MANY feel that is a guilt card, but I have to take care of my self as well. I put everything out there for the kids. I have to draw the line at being purposely treated poorly. As far as age, only a parent can tell when it's time to be "so harsh". Obviously your average two year old has no idea that they are "being disrespectful and hurtful" to moomy, and saying something like that would be both crushing and utterly confusing, and at the age were discussing (five or so), it is completely up in the air, and quite individual. I have only recently had to say this to my eight year old, who is very capable of understanding the concept. Sorry, but I didn't have the problem at a younger age, so perhaps someone has better advice there...

Hitting: I simply comfort the reciever. I figure that the hitter already feels badly inside, and I do not wish to make them feel ashamed about the loss of control. So I just do the mommy comfort thing with the other child. It seems to have worked out well for us. My boys now seperate themselves before they loose their tempers, and they avoid harmful actions on their own. Yay!

 

[mykdsmomy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lúthien Arcamenel Hitting: I simply comfort the reciever. I figure that the hitter already feels badly inside, and I do not wish to make them feel ashamed about the loss of control. So I just do the mommy comfort thing with the other child. It seems to have worked out well for us. My boys now seperate themselves before they loose their tempers, and they avoid harmful actions on their own. Yay!

Yep.....I was going to recommend this as well. Instead of turning to the hitter and addresing them, why not just go straight to the "victim" and comfort them and say to them "ouch, that must have hurt and are you ok? maybe you need some ice or a boo boo fixer, etc".

 

[jyurina]

We stopped most if not all of the hurting behavior by sitting both kids down and telling them that we have a non violent house. That means that we do not hurt anyone-human or animal. As for the sassing-well my 7 year old is in the thick of that stage. I tell him the same thing that I would tell anyone else-" I don't like being tallked to that way, it is disrespectful" I look at my job as mommy to be unconditionally loving-BUT I also have a responsibility to guide them into a more independent life. So teaching respect by example and guidance is important.

 

[Luthien Arcamenel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jyurina We stopped most if not all of the hurting behavior by sitting both kids down and telling them that we have a non violent house. That means that we do not hurt anyone-human or animal.