[LaLa]

Bean head butted me in the bridge of the nose last night. She did it so hard,I cried and I was concerned it was broken, but luckily I don't think it is...just bruised and sore with a little swelling.

She apologized and cried because she was upset that she hurt me and I don't think she tried to hurt me, but just threw her head in a tantrum moment.

Ok, fine...
BUT
this morning, she was angry about something or another and she was standing in front of me for about 30 seconds. I thought she was going to hug me, but instead she purposefully head butted me in the nose again. This time it was obvious she had put thought into it and did it to hurt me. Then when I began to protest she started smacking me in the face with both hands.

I yelled that it was NOT acceptable that we do not hit...no hitting, that it hurt mama and that I was leaving (with bella in tow) for her to play by herself because I was upset etc.
(just leaving the room, not the house)

She acts like she understands and she cries in upset, but she obviously did this on purpose.

What do I do if she wants to be violent toward me?

 

[Aster]

We're going thru a bit of a violent phase around here too. Boo's been biting me. I think it's really important to look beyond the behaviour to the feelings that he has that are causing the behaviour. Things have been pretty busy around here lately because we're moving and getting ready to move...so he hasnt had the kind of attention that he's used to getting, and he's been picking up on the nervous energy that's in the air. If i really try to pay full attention to him a little bit more, especially when he's behaving the way i'd like him to behave, it really seems to help.

I was just reading this article http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/looking_past.html at the natural child project... and it seemed to really speak to what's happening in our house. Maybe there's something in there that would help in the situation with you and your dd.

 

[Dar]

I agree with what Aster said... I also think it's useful, when stuff like that happens, to give the child tools she could have used instead - saying (or yelling) "I'm angry!", stomping your feet on the floor, drawing mad pictures, whatever is acceptable and works at your house. And the next time she's that angry, you'll know she has this new behavior (hitting you) in her repetoire, and you can give her some ideas then, before she has a chance to hit you.

Dar

 

[Konur's Mom]

Konur did that for a while, but has recently stopped. He did that more to his dad than to me, and I think he was angry with my dh for working so much and not being around enough. My dh changed his work habits and now spends more time with Konur and the behavior has pretty much stopped. Also he stopped playing with him when Konur was tired or hungry and thus would not get frustrated as easily. Its a phase, I think.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

In addition to giving words and other options, I also think it is OK for you to remove yourself from the situation for a minute before doing anything. When my son was going through this as a toddler, I found that it was very effective to say "No hitting, hitting hurts" (or whatever) and then walk away from him for a minute or two, totally ignoring him. No attention, no "what do you want", no "is something bothering you". This had two advantages. The first is that I wasn't tempted to respond in kind as a response to my own pain. Do not minimize your need to care for yourself! The second is that it was a good natural consequence for hurting others -- you hurt others then they don't want to be with you. After that, THEN I would go back and try to figure out if there was an underlying cause to the behaviour that I should fix, either for this time or to prevent a next time. But if I rewarded the hurting with fluttering "oh what do you need that Mommy isn't giving you" attention, then its just training that hurting gets attention and results.

When my son was a little older (about 2 1/2 or so, I think), then hurting someone (incuding the dog) was the only behaviour we used a time-out for. Because hurting something is the only thing in our household that is totally unacceptable regardless of circumstances. I know that not everyone agrees with this approach, but it worked for our family.

Remember that there is a difference between "gentle discipline" and "no discipline". The second will result in a bratty child with no self control. Also remember that this learning takes lots of time and constant, consistant repetition. So decide how you will handle this (with your partner and other caregivers) and then make sure everyone sticks to it!

 

[Potty Diva]

YEAY!!! So it looks like we are not allow in this phase of growing up and learning boundaries.

Kailey has started acting out when she doesn't get things the way she wants them or the speed in which she wants them delivered.

When she hits or kicks I definitely let her know that it is not acceptable, and I leave the room. She usually comes to find me a few mintues later and gives hugs, kisses, etc. But still she does not get her way.

I agree you have to figure out how you want to deal with acting out and stick to it. It may not seem like its working at first, but soon your little one will catch on, as others have attested. I just hope it's soon.

 

[LaLa]

It's hard. to give a bit of background, bean would qualify as a very persistent, high energy child...

spirted, as some would say...

Anyhoo...she stopped napping when she was mobile, and that is not a joke!
She just WON'T nap...so she gets up too early, like 6 or 6:30 and she is just tired, but refuses to sleep (and I have LONG since given up on trying to "make" her sleep...) so she gets grumpy and then acts terribly and violent to her sister and now to me too.

When she is well rested, she does not act like that, however, she is often times NOT well rested.
I don't really know what more we can do. I can't make teh child sleep. I can put her in her room and tell her it's time for bed...we have a good routine, she doesn't midn going to bed, but she just won't go to sleep. She'll stay awake talking to herself, singing songs, playing in the dark if she feels like it and she'll wake up as early as she can and go go go all day long.
She has always been this way, so again, what can I do?

I work on empathy with her when she hits. I try my very HARDEST to use a gentle voice with her, but sometimes I can be touching her shoulder, at her eye level, telling her that she needs to be gentle and do soft gentle touches on the baby, or on mommy. I will be saying
"see, like this...soft and gentle"
and she is just oblivious with me...I can repeat myself over and over and over and she just ignores me.
This is how it is all day long.

So I don't know. I just don't.
I have searched for advice but everyone in my life says they don't know what to do. They say their children don't do those things or persist in the same manner.

There is more, of course, but that is enough for tonight!
LOL

She has had issues with poop smearing for some time now. They were getting better, but we've had some regressing the past two weeks...

sigh.

 

[NoraJadesMama]

Hi LaLa,

I just want to give you a

. I hear your despair and frustration. It sounds like you're at your wit's end, having done everything you can think of to work with this problem from many angles. I think it is particularly hard to support a child when their behavior is so very difficult (your poor nose!!

) and yet there is a significant underlying problem such as illness or tiredness (or a new baby, etc) that can't be "fixed" right away. I don't have any great advice but I did want to tell you I hear how hard your situation is right now, and what a devoted mother you are.

I hope that things improve soon. Hang in there.

Warmly,
Hilary

 

[Keetsmama]

I was just wondering about leaving the room with kids. On one hand, I think maybe it's a natural consequence- I do it myself, like last night when ds (2.25 yrs) was screaming and kicking.

But then I feel a bit guilty, that maybe it will give him abandonment issues? He seems so upset by it. But I get so angry myself. I don't know, it just seems that sometimes there isn't a good solution.

Best wishes to LaLa

 

[Potty Diva]

Quote:

Originally posted by Keetsmama I was just wondering about leaving the room with kids. On one hand, I think maybe it's a natural consequence- I do it myself, like last night when ds (2.25 yrs) was screaming and kicking. But then I feel a bit guilty, that maybe it will give him abandonment issues? He seems so upset by it. But I get so angry myself. I don't know, it just seems that sometimes there isn't a good solution. Best wishes to LaLa

I sincerely doubt your child will have abandonment issues if you leave the room, the house maybe, but not if you leave the room, and if you have an doubt, explain to your child what you are doing and why. Even tell them where you will be when he/she is ready to be kind and use their words.

In our case, Kailey knows where each room of the house is, so she can easily find me if needed.

 

[captain optimism]

Disclaimer: My baby is too young for this phase, so I'm talking outta my tuchus about this...

Aren't toddlers supposed to go through a phase where they try to get a rise out of their parents? Poop smearing sounds like trying to get a rise...and head butting definitely sounds like it!

It also sounds like Bean might be jealous of the time you spend with her sister.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I think walking away so you don't hit back is good! But I might also ask, "Are you angry with me? Because that really hurt! Is there something you need to tell me, using words?" She could be angry or she might have been trying it out again, just to see your reaction Also, I think (again, see tuchus icon above) that it's okay if you sound a little angry when your child hits you! I'm not advocating yelling or anything, just not supressing your emotions that you really have.

After all, if she's trying to find out what happens when you hurt someone, she needs to know that it can upset them.

Maybe there is some time on the weekend when someone else can take care of Bella and you can have time with Bean by herself?

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Oh boy, does that ever sound familiar!! We went through this with Evan, big time. He still doesn't sleep as much as "the experts" suggest that he should. But, it did get better! Which is really all I can say. As you have already figured out, its not possible to force a kid to sleep. With Evan, we finally ended up laying down in bed with him (we take turns), but there have been many nights when I've fallen asleep on his bed and he is playing on the floor next to me.

So, all I can offer on this round is encouragement that the sleep cycle will get better eventually. In the meantime, keep working at the gentle discipline on the hurting thing. Good luck.

 

[LaLa]

I had to laugh at the sleeping on the bed while babe played on the floor!
LOL

:LOL

Spending one on one time with bean is not likely the answer as she actually gets the majority of my attention since bella was born because she is always in need of it.
Luckily, bella is an easy going baby, and she doesn't seem to mind just hanging back and watching things etc, but bean gets PLENTLY of mama time....Bella is not a needy baby and she actually entertains herself a large portion of her day and she takes two long naps daily, during which bean and I have all that time alone together. It doesn't seem to phase bean's behavior.

I have read quite a few natural parenting books and gentle discipline books and I just see a lot of answers to situations, but I have yet to find one book that addresses what to do when your child goes a level further then what the books address.

When getting down at their eye level, touchign their shoulder, talking to them, teaching them empathy, showing them appropriate behavior, showing them your own emotions while remaining loving...when the book recommendations don't address what to do after you've tried what they suggest and it doesn't work...well that makes me feel like I am a failure somewhere along the line or that something is wrong with bean, which I don't think there is, so I am hoping for a third variable to pop up out of the woodworks!

 

[stirringleaf]

i am hesitant to think anything is wrong with bean either. the poop smearign thing sounds pretty intense, but i can imagine a toddler doing something like that.

i would maybe stop being so empathetic when she hits -or at least some times be less empathetic. she might be getting the idea that hitting is a good way to express herself. and just be really serois and say " that hurts me, i dont like when you hit me, so i am going to go play over there until you can be gentle" and walk away.

and in non intense moments play funny games where you make mad faces or pretnetd to cry in silly ways so she can "play mad" or "play sad" and laugh about it, seeing that its ok to be mad or sad. get her to make a sad face in the miror and then say " oh bean are you sad" make a clowniy sad face and say " mommy is sad too" but i mean in a way that she thinks is funny, not to scare or confuse her. and then do happy faces and talk about happy. etc. that seems really theraputic when i do it with my ds...he will sometimes initiate this game. we stomp around and say MAD ! like a lion roaring, etc etc. then when he is actually upset i can pull these concepts out and i see him making the connection in his mind ...not that it works 100 percent but its an idea

parenting books have ideas too but there are just too many variables in real life. they are great ideas and worthy of implemeting, but there has to be this acceptance for the messy reality of things , wher kids just dont act like how the books say. i am sure you know this but i have just really been aware of this lately, having some issues with ds and the ped and others dolingout all this advice that i had tried already....so i understand if you even need to throw out my advice, LOL!!!!!