[MyTwoAs]

My husband and I are having relationship troubles right now. He says he's been unhappy since last August but only managed to tell me in May (even though I asked him repeatedly about it). Well in August is when my daughter started going through the evaluation process for her issues - ultimately she was dx'd with autism.

I delved intothe autism world and worked very hard getting her setup with services through the state, school district etc. Admittedly I let my attention slide from my husband.

At the same time we realized my son had way too many 'quirks' (for lack of a better word) and he was eventually dx'd with Asperger's Syndrome (an autism spectrum condition). Again I had a lot of focus on my son ensuring his therapies were adequate etc.

Throughout this whole time I asked my husband if he was OK, what he needed, etc. He reassured me that everything was fine and that when things calmed down with the kids we'd get back on track.

Well evidently what he said and what he thought were two different things. He's turned to binge drinking and strip clubs. I don't consider going to strip clubs being infidelity - he had had my blessing to go 'on ocassion' but then he turned into a 'regular'.

Tonight was the last straw - I went and retrieved him, very nicely, from the club. I politely introduced myself to the object of his desire and shook her hand then asked my husband to meet me outside.

He says he's lost, he doesn't want to lose his family but it's just so hard, blah blah blah. We've been seen the therapist 3 times - our next appt is Monday and he still wants to go. He also wants to start individual therapy (I'd seen her individually a few times).

Now I know that focusing on the kids so much caused some problems in the marriage but holy heck the way he responded just sucks - it hurts. Everytime he says he'll stop and everytime he gets drunk off his rocker and ends up back there it hurt. He comes home all remorseful and spews off his story.

I can't keep doing this, I deserve to be treated better than that. Even though we don't talk about this in front of the kids my 6 year old is picking up on it.

So this is long - down to my question, when did you know it was time to call it quits?

This is hard for me - I was in the IT field prior to becoming a stay-at-home-mom. I haven't kept up with the industry so reentering the field would be nearly impossible. Daycare for my daughter would be through the roof as she'd require a full time aide ($1k/mo for her). I imagine I could do collections or something and make $25k/yr - hubby makes six figures. I'd have to move in with my parents for a time period - we don't have much equity in our house. Logistically it scares the heck out of me but I am thankful that I do know I have my family here and should *it* happen that I won't be on the street and destitute.

Ugh - minds just going a hundred miles a minute tonight. My entire life has been turned upside down.

 

[alexysmommy]

well, in my case, it took years. Our marriage was on the rocks, but i kept trying and trying, kept giving chance after chance...because i wanted to be able to walk away and say i gave it every fighting chance. We split once, a year before it was over, and i think i found myself a little when that happened. I gave him another chance though. THen we split up again, and i gave him ANOTHER chance. I just didnt have the strength i do now. I couldnt walk away..i wanted my family to be together so bad that i was settling for way less than i deserved. The last time though, as soon as he left i knew that he would not be coming back. Something inside me just clicked, and i knew i deserved more, and that i didnt deserve to be lied to, and i was worth so much more than what i was getting out of the marriage. Honestly, i would try counseling, i would try everything ...before you say this is it, im done. And then, if you still feel things are not the way you want/or could be, then it is time. But, that is just my opinion. ((((hugs mama)))))

 

[mamamoo]

I would say same as PP, see if the counseling will work, but it is so hard to know when it is just done. My hubby and I are split, and he just keeps making selfish choice on top of selfish choice, and I feel like I am really at teh limit here. We *just* started couneling last Monday though, so I am not making this my final decision(plus I am pregnant, and I feel not in the best frame emotionally to make a life long decision). I am going to stick it out for a little while longer to see where this all goes.

Just a note though, if your dh is making 6 figures, your child support *should be* substantial.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

It seems to be that one day, when you no longer ask the question, when you know that there is no other choice, when you know that you must take action because you can't go on like this anymore....it will be time.

Wishing you peace and love on this journey.

 

[2babybees]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot It seems to be that one day, when you no longer ask the question, when you know that there is no other choice, when you know that you must take action because you can't go on like this anymore....it will be time. Wishing you peace and love on this journey.

:
I tried a million things. Separated more than once. But always went back. This time it was just done. I was done being undervalued, underloved, undersupported and disrespected. There does come a time when staying does become harder than leaving. It took me 4 rocky years. It has been the best decision I've ever made even if I am terrified sometimes.

 

[katytheprincess2]

First off wanted to offer you a huge

and say I can totally relate to diving into helping a child with Autism and maybe letting other things fall to back of my priority list.
Last summer when I decided our marriage was over it just had become obvious to be that my unhappiness in my marriage was not only effecting me but also effecting me as a parent and thus hurting my kids. The best advice I can give is too seek outside help and if progress isn't made that way maybe it would be time to try a seperation.

Hang in there!

 

[DragonflyBlue]

I think it's possible to know yet not have the courage to change it.

Keep things going as they are because it is *safer* and more comfortable.

Keep it going because of money, kids, a million excuses.

The more you accept the excuses, the smaller you feel. It's as if you, who you are deep down slowly erodes away till there is very little left. And if you wait to long, you stay because you don't have the faith in yourself to leave and know you will be okay.

I've left half a dozen times. I'm there again. And as adament as I was a few weeks ago about not taking him back, I'm wondering if it wouldn't just be easier to stay. Better the devil you know...

Set a time limit. Tell him that we have x months to make this work as a couple, as a family or it's over.

*sigh* I don't know... Heck I know it's over and I can't move.. Who am I to offer advice on this?

 

[sparklefairy]

When I left with the kids because he was extremely intoxicated and scaring the crap out of all of us.

It was way later than it should have been.

 

[StephandOwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot It seems to be that one day, when you no longer ask the question, when you know that there is no other choice, when you know that you must take action because you can't go on like this anymore....it will be time. Wishing you peace and love on this journey.

That says it all right there. Wonderful advice.

For me, personally, it was more of a culmination of events. When ds was just a few days old his dad refused to take the garbage out (it had piled up while I was in the hospital). So I took it out, carrying 3 bags down a flight of stairs and around the building, but left ds with ex. I put ds IN ex's arms and told him to just hang on to him. That's it. I got back inside to see ds face down on an air mattress screaming and gasping for breath (remember- ds was just a few days old at this time so couldn't move his head) while his dad sat across the room playing video games.

: Or the numerous times ex brought drugs into our apartment, despite promising me he wasn't going to anymore. The fact ex wasn't helping AT ALL with ds, wouldn't even touch him. But the breaking point was when ex told me when ds was a little less than 2 months old that he would bring whatever drugs around ds whenever he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. That was the day after Thanksgiving, late at night. I was completely moved out with ds by noon the next day.

 

[CherylE]

I think I really knew the time I was hit hard enough to be knocked out, have my nose broken and wake up laying in a pool of blood, with blood all over me from my nose and then have him come over and slam my head repeatedly into the floor after that. That's when I knew it was over. But I still tried for a year after that, we went to couples counselling, I tried, I lived with constant nightmares, flashbacks, constant verbal abuse, intermitant minor physical abuse - but that's when I knew. When I acted on it was after he crossed that physical line again and said he thought if we stayed together he would kill me or himself. That scared me to death. Even still - after he left - I wanted him to do anger management counselling - I wanted it fixed - he stopped speaking to me - 6 months later - he still hasn't done anger management, he has very little to do with the kids and is still not nice to me verbally if we have to interact. It took me a really long time, a really, really long time, in fact it took me about 7 years from the first time he hit me and the addition of 4 more kids - to finally get to the place of accepting reality that the abuse cycle wasn't going away, was getting more extreme (though less frequent) and that this had to be over....

 

[incorrigible]

.

 

[MyTwoAs]

Thank you all, this is just so hard. There hasn't been any abuse - physical or emotional but what he has done just has me absolutely devastated. I just don't know anymore.