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when did you start dating??

463 Views 14 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  cheyennemama
if you have... did you do online dating? I'm thinking that might be the best option for me (in the near future) as I'm really "tied" down with my two girls, my loves..
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It took me 3 years before I was ready to date.
The first attempt was online dating.

I have mixed feelings about it. I've met some great people, but have heard about alot of things I don't like. I've used the guidelines that I like to email back and forth for awhile. Anyone in a rush, isn't for me and it seems to work better that way and weed out alot of not-so-great prospects.

Good luck.

When I was divorcing my x, I remember saying - I won't date until my kids are in high school. They were 6 months and 2 at the time of divorce.

I put my profile online at when they were 2 and 3. Shortly after that, I met a great man who I'm with 2 years later.

I personally think it's a great way to meet people. You have to be safe and realistic. I stayed away from anyone that used the word "soulmate" in his description. I wanted someone that was within a 30 mile radius, divorced, with children, college educated, someone that was excited about his life and devoted to his kids, religon was nice, but not a deal breaker. It was nice to be able to read all of that criteria and then weed through the different guys.

just some thoughts...
I've been on my own for 15 months and am nowhere close to ready to start dating. I wouldn't hesitate to go the online route, though, when the time comes.
I started thinking about dating in January, which was two years after my separation, a year after the divorce. As a single mama, the online thing is what worked for me too...and I enjoyed being able to weed people out a bit as well. But after three bad dates I realized my criteria weren't right, that for me, a liberal person was a starting point, so I posted on craigslist (which is FREE!) and met someone who I'm having an awesome time with! I actually prefer to meet somewhat soon, because I've found that upon meeting a person I can tell within a few minutes if there's any real connection. Versus email and even phone, there's too many barriers. But you have to do what's comfortable for you!
I also preferred to meet someone soon. I didn't want to waste energy on emailing back and forth if there wasn't going to be a connection.
I started dating too soon after seperating, nothing serious, just a few dates. I wasn't emotionally ready so I called off dating for a while. A year after I seperated with ex, I started dating a guy I had been friends with. I was hesitant but we had so much in common and we were good friends, so I took the leap. Looking back, I probably should have waited a little longer, only because there were some isses with ex that I had not yet worked through. But now, a year later we are still together. He was understanding and took a step back while I resolved many things with ex. I'm really grateful for theat because now I can enter our relationship with a clear head and no regrets.

I really think that everyone should wait AT LEAST a year after seperating before dating. If you don't, dating is just like putting a band-aid over your problems. You need that time for YOU.
I believe there are several things a person must do post divorce to get on with her life. Create a life of your own with your children. Look hard at your role in the relationship - "how did I participate in the demise of my marriage?" - it's never all one person's fault. Think about what you want your life to look like. Build the family life you want. Get comfortable being alone. Don't be with someone just to be with someone.

I think it's only after you have created your own full life - then you can meet someone else who has his own full life - you can create a life together. Being with someone should be a choice. You don't need him to fill up empty parts of your life.

I agree rushing into dating can be a bad idea. I also think it's hard to put a timeline - a person can be single for 3 years and still not be ready for a healthy relationship. It's about doing what you need to do to be in a healthy relationship.
This is a great thread! Some great words here.

I haven't started dating yet and it's been almost a year since we seperated. I feel that a year is a good waiting period and though I sometimes want someone to have fun with, I'm really enjoying being a single mama! I have so much more time for my kids now that I'm hesitant to invite a man into the picture (relationships are soooo consuming. I don't think I have the energy!).

Anyway, good luck. I really think giving yourself at least a year is good advice. I worry about women who rush into relationships really soon. One thing I've learned from my single and divorced girlfriends through the years: Take the time to figure yourself out and be alone or you'll probably invite that same drama back into your life.
Im not dating yet, but Ive got a future prospect lined up....
. When I do start, though the dating game is for me- my kids will have no part in it and probably wont meet anyone until we're practically ready to move in together. They have a perfectly good father and Im not looking at replacing him...I dont think I'll be jumping into anything serious either...time to play around for a bit and discover myself again.
As for online dating.....nope- its not for me. I like to see someone and look them in the eye- then I know what sort of person Im dealing with right from the start- not someone who may or may not be who they say they are.
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jenn, i have been separated for 2 years now and i am just getting to know myself. i still dont feel ready to date. i am though confused about this. in a way the flesh is wanting but intellectually i am on a path of self discovery and as it is i have so little time for all the things i want to do that i dont want to add anymore than what i already have. i just want to focus my time on getting to know myself better.

i would like to date but i'm ok if i dont. soo... i am not seeking it. i wont go down the online route. i have told the universe if dating is for me then just plop him down on my lap.

i am also kinda scared of dating too. what if i get too involved and start dreaming about him instead of taking care of my dd? what if i end up hurting him? what if i find he is too committed to me and really i dont feel the same? i would feel terrible rejecting him. there is just drama involved that i am not ready to face yet.

instead i would love, love, love to have some good friends.

but if this 'hunk' came out of nowhere and asked me out i am not going to say no either.
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Originally Posted by Jilian
I really think that everyone should wait AT LEAST a year after seperating before dating. If you don't, dating is just like putting a band-aid over your problems. You need that time for YOU.


Originally Posted by woo27ks
I think it's only after you have created your own full life - then you can meet someone else who has his own full life - you can create a life together. Being with someone should be a choice. You don't need him to fill up empty parts of your life.

I waited two years to date. I had a mountain of issues to take care of
myself. I dated two men that summer and then decided I still needed
more time to myself with dd. Both men wanted to "save" me. I didn't
need saving, I wanted to continue to build my life, myself. But I can see
how both of them could see how they could fill in the blanks in my life.
They were both lovely men, just not the right time.
I met both men online. But I knew the the first man slightly threw word
of mouth (our father's worked together) and we attended the same HS.

This summer my dd will be turning six. I am still not in a rush to date.
If I met somebody I would go out, but I am not actively looking.
To each their own, this thread has a wealth of advice.

My neighbor is a young widow. She has just started to online date.
If she has emailed back and forth and wants to meet up with a man
she invites them to play a game of golf. I thought that was brilliant.
She gets to do something she enjoys, while her son is in school (she
likes to keep her dating life private from him), and it's in public for
safety reasons. Now I don't like to golf, so I usually go for the casual
cup of coffee route to get a look at them.
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I started dating a month later. I lived with my parents, so when my daughter would go to sleep, I'd go out with my friends and I met people that way. I was only 21, and the ex was crazy. It wasn't the most responsible thing to do, but what can I say? It was my way of getting over the ex as quickly as possible. I got into a relationship about 9 months after the breakup. The relationship lasted for 3 1/2 years. He was not the one, and I knew it, but let it drag on. It was a good relationship to be in at the time because he was a guy that the ex would not mess with. My ex had driven every other guy I met away with his psycho behavior.

Anyway, didn't meet the one until 5 years later. Dating a lot really helped me see what I do not want in a guy. I dated a lot of good guys who just weren't right for me. (Men in sandals = no; men in homemade punk rock shorts = yes. Men who are too cool to show public affection of a decent caliber = no; men who are so secure in their masculinity that they'll hold my purse = yes.) I feel like it helped me to know when I met my husband that he was the one.

I would say that if you're going to date casually, you don't need to have them meet your children. I don't think that you have to date with the purpose of finding a husband or anything. I think it's fine to date out of boredom or to practice or whatever. Your kids don't have to be a part of it. This made it easier for me to break things off with people when I was over it.
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There has been some great advice here.

I can only speak from my experience. I used to jump from relationship to relationship. I took the baggage right along with me and was really only part of a person and a whole lot of crap, getting together with another part of a person with a whole lot of crap. There's very few relationships that start out like that and actually end up with good outcomes.

When ex and I split, I didn't date for 3 years. I soul-searched, I healed, I looked at my part in the mess of our marriage, I looked at who I was, what I wanted, etc. I did date someone and it was a very different experience and I really enjoyed it. I felt more whole and complete and like I was really bringing something positive to the relationship.

I've been dabbling in dating again recently and realize how much I've grown even since then. I really feel like I'm ready to have that truly healthy relationship. I feel insecure and have doubts, but I recognize it right away and try to work through what it is really all about. It's a whole new perspective and I must say, quite exciting.

I don't think I've got it figured out, but I know where I've been and where I am now and it just feels a good way. It was hard to get through the feelings of lonely, the wanting for physical contact, the need for love, the desire for adult conversation and company. But I think now I am stronger, healthier and more apt to succeed in the relationship I choose.
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Originally Posted by woo27ks
Look hard at your role in the relationship - "how did I participate in the demise of my marriage?" - it's never all one person's fault.
My role in the demise= I married him! My stbx was apparently a sex addict without me realizing! Told me in November that he'd had encounters with 18 people during our engagement/marriage!

I really felt this blow was almost liberating. It'd be very hard the last couple yrs and knowing it hadn't been ME that was to blame was a weight off my shoulders. stbx was/is also a very needy person. I never felt like that. I never felt I needed anyone, besides my kids. I put up a profile on match in December! Yes, soon!!! I just wanted to get out an have some fun. TMI but my ex was my only ONE and knowing he'd cheated on me so heinously, made me want to "counter" that somehow. Anyway, I was in no rush for a bf, just fun dates. But I did happen to acquire a bf.
Still not my plan but I'm a happy girl, with or without my ex or with or without my bf. I know it's been only like 5 months since my separation but I feel great! Great about the split-up, great about my life, my choices. I don't think you can place a time frame on recovery or when to start dating. Do what you feel is right. If you start too soon, you'll soon know that it's too soon!
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