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Well I am going to bring up something. I just hope I don't get harshly judged because of this.<br>
But I have been seperated from my husband off and on before. I moved out and it was about six months before I even thought about dating again. I went out to dinner with a coworker who was having a rough day/week and needed to talk to someone. We hit it off and things rolled from there. I had the papers but things were getting tied up by dh antics.<br>
I dated the guy for about six months before I got pregnant, yes this is the part where I fear I'll be judged harshly. Mind you I thought that it was more ethical to have a relationship while out of the home and with a divorce in the works.<br>
To make a long story short. The soon to be ex found out and had a hissy fit. He is a bit controling at times. Well the guy I was dating, well it didn't work out between us ('nother long story). I moved back in when I was seven or eight months pregnant with Kalaya because my mom ideas of raising childen wasn't compatable with my AP lifestyle ('nother long story).<br>
Anyways we tried to make it work but it didn't so now eight months later we are actually doing it.<br>
The thing is that I met this really nice guy. He's a single dad and we have alot in common. But I don't want to rush into anything. I am moving out in Jan. and I hope to be able to date him. Right now we are just talking as friends.<br>
But should I wait until things are final, which is going to take forever.<br>
Any ideas? Thanks!
 

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Technically, you are supposed to wait until the divorce is final.<br><br>
That said, I am seeing someone and I am still not divorced. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> Life does not always happen like it's supposed to ... and this person was supposed to just be my friend, but we clicked like I have never clicked with anyone before. It's much more than friends now.<br><br>
Do I feel bad? Not really. I'm divorcing my husband because of multiple affairs and lies ... the entire time we were married I was faithful and devoted. We would already be divorced by now if he wasn't dragging his feet and stalling on purpose to delay paying full child support. :rollseyes So do I feel bad for being in a relationship so soon? Not at all, what I have with this guy is for real, I have never been happier in all of my life.<br><br>
While I think you have to be careful and avoid jumping into something just for the love of "being with someone" or "being in a relationshp" ... there are also exceptions to the rule that happen. If I'd passed up on dating Jeremy, I would have passed up meeting the greatest guy on earth.<br><br>
So I wouldn't change a thing I've done. People can flame away, I can take it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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Hmmm, tough question. I don't think anyone can say weather it is right or wrong to date before you are legally divorced, it really depends on the situation.<br><br>
The important thing is that you give yourself time to heal from the lost relationship. You need to let go of the baggage from the relationship and deal with the issues before getting into another relationship. That way you don't carry your hurt and pent up emotions into the next relationship.<br><br>
A lot of people tend to jump right back into another relationship because it makes the hurt go away (I was guilty of this). I definately don't think that is a good idea. As long as you feel like you've dealt with the issues and worked through the pain and you feel ready to start dating again then go for it. Just make sure you're ready to handle it. Being rejected by a guy when you're already in an emotionally fragile place can be hard to deal with.
 

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I agree with the other posters - this is such an individual decision, but you (in a general sense) need to be sure that you are free of the emotional situations that got you into the bad marriage/relationships in the first place; otherwise, you will be repeating the same pattern over and over. I began pursuing dating relationships way too soon after my separation (a mere three months - on the advice of a therapist I'm no longer seeing), and it was a terrible experience. Since then, I've tried dating again on two occasions and found that I was not ready either time. I have some serious issues I'm dealing with relating to my co-dependency (which got me into the abusive marriage with my ex) as well as depression/anxiety, eating disorders, and unresolved intimacy issues because of a rape I suffered in college. My divorce will be final in December; however, I'm giving myself another six months before I try dating again, which puts me at May before I jump out there again. Giving yourself time to just heal and be at peace with yourself is never a bad idea - think of it as time to "date yourself" and become the woman you've always wanted to be.<br><br>
Good luck to you!
 

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Totally agree with the others that it's a personal decision.<br>
Totally agree with the others that the truly important thing is that you've emotionally & physcially left the previous relationship and resolved any issues and are truly ready to move on.<br>
I don't think there is a magic timeframe for dating after a relationship has ended but I know you will be happier in a relationship that you enter as a whole person. Sometimes relationships present themselves quickly after another. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.<br>
Follow your heart. If you "feel" ready, proceed, if not, re-evaluate. If you're not ready and he's "the guy for you" he'll wait, or it will work when there is better timing.
 

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...
 

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I also agree that it's a personal decision. I think I had been alone 3 years when I started dating. I was pg and had a 1 yr. old when mine moved out, so by the time my youngest was 2 I was ready to date. It's important to grieve the divorce and work through all of that. It's important to see what your role was in it, so you don't repeat patterns. I also think it's incredibly important to be alone and create the life you want for you and your children before you date. Good luck!<br>
Amanda
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mistymama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Technically, you are supposed to wait until the divorce is final.</div>
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according to who?<br>
I thought it was a personal choice. genuinely curious, here.<br><br>
anyway, I would try having some alone time, if you havent done that yet, and it sounds like you havent. I've had nearly a year of it. works wonders. It sounds like you are going from man to man to man, and that might be unhealthy. I think most people need time to process stuff. And how can you if you're in a new relationship? your milage may vary. just giving my 2 cents.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Technically, you are supposed to wait until the divorce is final.</td>
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<b>Boston</b> , I'm just guessing at <b>mistymama</b>'s intent, here, but in some states there is still "fault" divorce, for grounds including adultery. Perhaps <b>mistymama</b> meant that if a separated mama in one of those states started dating, and was (or was assumed to be) having sex on the dates, then the mama's separated husband could add to (or begin) the divorce petition with an allegation of adultery, which could negatively impact the mama's custodial rights (as well as entitlement to alimony & property division).<br><br>
Or maybe some churches frown on dating before the divorce is final, if the separated mama is religious.<br><br>
But I'm just guessing.
 

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yeah I guessed at some of those reasons too, but I wanted to know what the poster meant by it, which is why I asked.<br><br>
But...since we're on the topic...do any states really still have adultery?!! Thats so insane.<br><br>
Mostly coming back to add to what I said before. I reread my "man to man to man" comment and I don't like it so much now. It looks iffy. I certainly do not mean to sound like I think you are being promiscuous!! Just in case you read it that way. That is *not* what I meant. I just recognised the almost overlap you've got going on, and I relate to it a bit in my past. And it hasnt worked out for me. So what I should have said was 'take it slowly!" not.."dont go from man to man to man." ya know? sorry my wording comes across as having a harsh tone of voice sometimes and it's just me being a fast/lazy writer.<br><br>
anyway good luck in whatever you do. this is a rough path. and I think you kick ass for trying and for doing what you think is right.
 

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I dont know about the adultry thing, but they wrote a morality clause into my divorce paperwork (no one that is not blood related to me is allowed in the home after 10pm...no booty calls here <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> ) so I could totally believe that some states do.<br><br>
I think it depends on the person too...I think I had been seperated about 7 or 8 months when I went on the first date...I signed the divorce paperwork the day before, but the divorce wasn't final for a couple months after that.
 

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According to any "at-fault" state. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Season's explained it perfectly. I happen to live in a completely ass-backwards state ... did you know in my state, even if you are being abused, if you are pregnant you CAN NOT get divorced until the child is born? Don't get me started...<br><br>
I probably should have worded my response differently, to say in MY case, I'm supposed to wait until the divorce is final.
 

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For me personally I was so freaking alone for the 7 years of my marriage, married to a man who didn't emtionally support me, I couldn't have a coversation with, had a different relegion and parenting style then I that I did not need any more alone time!<br>
I got some flack for dating as soon as I did. I was even told I had a "revolving door of men in my life" ( umm, yeah cause I've dated 2 int he last year and a half one of which I've known for 12 years LOL)<br>
People have their judgments. I think as long as you are with that inner voice then you are ok.<br><br>
Me personally I was dating and sleeping with someone else as soon as the divorce paperwork was downloaded off the net and I had told my now exh that I was leaving him. For me morally it wasn't cheating because my ex knew it was over between us. As soon as he signed the divorce papers I was honest with him that I was seeing someone else and who it was.<br><br>
I did not involve my two children in the relationship at all untill months after their father had moved out and it was someone that they had known all their lives so it wasn't too wierd for them.<br><br>
That relationship didn't work out. It lasted Oct- Early May.<br><br>
I met someone else one week after having ended that. I was very resistant at first to the idea. In fact when he was hitting on me at this club I wanted at first to go screaming from the room because I felt I needed some time. BUT after talking to him for awhile I realized what an awesome guy he was and found over the next few days I couldn't get him off my mind, so I said yes when he called and asked me to dinner. I was very upfront and honest with him that I had been seeing someone for a few months and was also recently divorced so I would need to take things slow. Turned out I was the first girl he had fallen for after a very seriously emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationship he had ended 4 years before so he needed slow too. Here we are 8 months later. He is my love , the most fabulous man I have ever met. This is the healthiest realtionship I have ever been in and we are slowly starting to plan a long term future together. He brings so much into my lives and the boys lives. SO much emotional support and I don't want to be crude but he is well off so he brings essentials into mine and the boys life as well. I would have been a fool to say no no I need to not date this man what would people think when my voice was saying heck, what have you got to loose?
 
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