When do you step in and offer advice?

sweetfiend · Dec 14, 2010

I struggle with this issue since my mother was soooo bossy and intrusive: When do you say to your teen "Hey, your feet smell" or "Hey, I have a cream for that rash." Sometimes I think that I have useful but unwanted information, you know what I mean? And it is so difficult to figure out when that information should be shared with a young person (who is related to me) and when it would just be embarrassing and hurtful.
 
My mother used to say things like "Oh my god, that's an enormous pimple on your nose. Here, let me pop it for you" (ouch and ouch again) Yes, mom, I know I have a pimple on my nose. I know it so well that I may be made permanently cross-eyed because of it. And no, I don;t want you to touch me. So, clearly, she was over the line. BUT WHERE IS THE LINE!! Help!!

krisnic · Dec 14, 2010

I am extremely lucky in that my 14 y/o is addicted to hygiene for the most part. He showers daily, normally twice a day at home, and often takes a shower after gym at school too. Brushing his teeth is another issue though...
 
He does suffer from dry skin, and acne. Sometimes I will just point out the acne and ask if he has been using the face wash in the shower instead of the body wash for his face. I bought him special lotion for his dry skin and reminded him last night to use it, but he hasn't. When it gets bad enough, he'll use it. But me bugging him about it is probably just going to make him go against it. As long as I make the things available to him, I feel like I've done what I can.

whatsnextmom · Dec 14, 2010

Well, I know that my campaign to get DD (13) to take care of her skin has failed. She doesn't have acne so much as just these tiny little greasy bumps all over her nose. I bought her everything she needed to take care of it. I taught her how to use it. I rode her pretty heavily during her REALLY greasy stage. However, it just made her resentful and less likely to do it at all. So, I've let it go. If she wants to be a pimply mess, so be it. She also has incredibly dry skin that's easy to turn around with regular lotion but she just won't do it. So, I just stopped saying anything outside occasionally asking if she needed anymore of a certain product. She is clean... she showers daily, wears clean clothes, brushes her teeth. I guess I just have to be happy with that and the fact that we won't have to worry about boyfriends for awhile longer lol.
 
I think if it's something that is intrusive on YOU, well, you can say something for sure. My DS is the smelly one at 10 (not B.O., more like a dirty basketball lol.) I have a sensitive nose and if I have to live with him, he needs to bathe regularly... sometimes that shower isn't going to wait until morning KWIM?
 
So, for us, I provide and instruct in what is needed to take care of an issue but I don't nag anymore. It doesn't do any good and frankly, it's not fun to do. As long as the kids issues like pimples and dry skin don't invade MY space, I just let it go (though, it still drives me crazy because when I was a teen... I did everything in my power to NOT have those issues!)

geekgolightly · Dec 14, 2010

My parents were hands off. They never gave any advice regarding anything. I think this hand off approach left me confused about many many things, including how to care for ones own body.
 
I plan to mention these issues to my son when he gets older just like I teach him about brushing teeth and using soap while bathing. I am there to give him the tools to use to care for himself. IMHO the line is information. Once you start offering to rub athlete's foot cream on his feet or pop his pimples, that may be crossing the line. lol!

geekgolightly · Dec 14, 2010

I don't know if you've taken her to a dermatologist but that might help? 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by whatsnextmom <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16115935"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Well, I know that my campaign to get DD (13) to take care of her skin has failed. She doesn't have acne so much as just these tiny little greasy bumps all over her nose. I bought her everything she needed to take care of it. I taught her how to use it. I rode her pretty heavily during her REALLY greasy stage. However, it just made her resentful and less likely to do it at all. So, I've let it go. If she wants to be a pimply mess, so be it. She also has incredibly dry skin that's easy to turn around with regular lotion but she just won't do it. So, I just stopped saying anything outside occasionally asking if she needed anymore of a certain product. She is clean... she showers daily, wears clean clothes, brushes her teeth. I guess I just have to be happy with that and the fact that we won't have to worry about boyfriends for awhile longer lol.
 
I think if it's something that is intrusive on YOU, well, you can say something for sure. My DS is the smelly one at 10 (not B.O., more like a dirty basketball lol.) I have a sensitive nose and if I have to live with him, he needs to bathe regularly... sometimes that shower isn't going to wait until morning KWIM?
 
So, for us, I provide and instruct in what is needed to take care of an issue but I don't nag anymore. It doesn't do any good and frankly, it's not fun to do. As long as the kids issues like pimples and dry skin don't invade MY space, I just let it go (though, it still drives me crazy because when I was a teen... I did everything in my power to NOT have those issues!)
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texmati · Dec 14, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by geekgolightly <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16115978"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> My parents were hands off. They never gave any advice regarding anything. I think this hand off approach left me confused about many many things, including how to care for ones own body.
 
I plan to mention these issues to my son when he gets older just like I teach him about brushing teeth and using soap while bathing. I am there to give him the tools to use to care for himself. IMHO the line is information. Once you start offering to rub athlete's foot cream on his feet or pop his pimples, that may be crossing the line. lol!
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ITA with this. I wish I'd learned to straighten my hair earlier in high school!

laohaire · Dec 14, 2010

Maybe the difference between the extremes is simply offering help but being able to take a hint.
 
The problem is not a parent saying "Hey, I noticed your skin has been getting oily, that's normal for adolescents. This is what worked for me. Let me know if you want to buy anything or need help." It's when a parent is always on your case, right? Or making belittling remarks. Or not being able to take no for an answer. Or making you feel dumb or embarrassed. I don't think we need to be afraid to offer help, though, that's something entirely different.
 
And if your teen doesn't respond to your offers, then you just let them figure it out.

karne · Dec 14, 2010

I think saying something about hygiene /skin can be helpful if those are issues that matter to your kid. Mine clearly benefited from a very mild, but prescription, medication for some emerging skin issues. She really couldn't take that step herself-she would not have known that that type of help was available to even ask for since this is all new territory for her. I suggested this option in a low key way, and help when needed, but back off when she wants to manage it herself. Now this was for a mild condition. If my kid had serious acne issues that would likely result in scarring, I think I might be more direct.

whatsnextmom · Dec 14, 2010

I don't think it's really bad enough for a dermatologist. The dry skin has always been an issue but unscented lotion was all it took to manage. When she was little, we just had the lotion routine. When she go older, she of course wanted her physical space so I left it to her. She doesn't do it. She won't take the simple step of putting on lotion after her shower and that is ALL it takes to fix the problem.
 
Same with her face. When I was nagging her to use the over-the-counter acne wash and put cream on the occasional pimples that popped up, the problem totally dissapeared. Her face was beautifully clear. She HATED when I reminded her though. She's not the type that talks back or anything so blatant... she just goes silent and does that "passive aggressive" thing. So, I stopped reminding her and now her face is oily, she's got that wierd bumpy nose and occasional zits in those trouble spots. I don't think she even washes her face outside the daily shower.
 
What I'm saying is, everything she has is mild and easily treated with a over-the-counter items and 5 minutes of actual attention a day. She just doesn't want to do it. Even if the dermatologist gave her advice and products to use, I don't think she'd actually follow through.
 
Sigh. I guess I have to at least be grateful she's super dedicated and responsible OUTSIDE the house. At school, at theatre... I get nothing but comments on how professional, how self-controlled she is. At home, she won't wash her face and her room is a nightmare.

Marsupialmom · Dec 18, 2010

If they stink, "Go take a bath then come back." Yes, I have had my teen and preteen kids come up smelling so bad that I gagged. It is a no option I would remove myself if it was anyone else also.
 
As for acne -- I would by product and nonchalantly say this will help with your acne. If the acne is really bad and medical care is needed again nonchalantly There is a 
 
If there is a major zit, EMPATHIZE. "Oh, I hated getting those types of zits as a teen/adult." more often than not say nothing. They do not need the obvious said to them. They don't need you popping them either.
 
Stinky feet --- tell them to take out their shoes. Statements "If you are not going to wear socks, your feet will stink, leave your shoes XYZ, and go wash your feet." If it is persisant or often clearing the room then look into causes nonchalant is here is odor eaters, use them. If that doesn't cure them look into medical reasons. My uncle had a disorder that made really bad stinky feet. 
 
Lack of deodorant -- statements "Either your deodorant fail or you need different stuff. Go take a shower please." 
 
Your parenting advice is not always welcomed. Accept that they will not like being told they stink but you and other people have a right not to have to smell them. There is a difference between, I have notice to being overbearing and "let me pop that pimple."

sewchris2642 · Dec 18, 2010

It all depends on the teen's personality. I can and do tell Dylan that he stinks and did he remember to use deodorant that morning when I pick him up from school. And remind him that his teachers would appreciate it if the boys didn't stink in class. He tends to be oblivious about such things as personal hygiene. I keep my tone of voice and words on the light side, not harsh or accusing.

PikkuMyy · Dec 21, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by whatsnextmom <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16116253"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a> 
Sigh. I guess I have to at least be grateful she's super dedicated and responsible OUTSIDE the house. At school, at theatre... I get nothing but comments on how professional, how self-controlled she is. At home, she won't wash her face and her room is a nightmare.</div>
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Please take this as said very politely, but if these are the extent of your problems with her at home, count your blessings! She takes a daily shower! She does well at school! So what if she doesn't want to use pimple wash on her face? It's her face, and it's clean. At some point, she may feel internally motivated to do it, but once you've provided the materials and shown her how to do it, step back or she will react by using the products even less. I'd say at least half of teenagers have a room that's a nightmare. I certainly did, and I never washed my fave outside of my shower either, because although the products worked they made my skin uncomfortable. 
And as an adult, my skin is clear, I still only wash it in my shower, and although my office is a mess, the rest of my house is as tidy as I can keep it. My mom still nags me about stuff now and all it does it make me want to do the opposite. I think you've done your job as a parent in regards to her skin, now it's time for her to take over.

whatsnextmom · Dec 21, 2010

Oh hon, believe me, I KNOW it's a little thing lol. It's a minor annoyance that I joke about. Of course she'll get it. It just grates on my nerves and I vent about it. Don't take what I said so seriously. I doubt you would if we were having coffee and rolling our eyes at the strange little creatures we are raising lol.
 
 
<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by PikkuMyy <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16131445"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a> <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by whatsnextmom <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16116253"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a> 
Sigh. I guess I have to at least be grateful she's super dedicated and responsible OUTSIDE the house. At school, at theatre... I get nothing but comments on how professional, how self-controlled she is. At home, she won't wash her face and her room is a nightmare.
 
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Please take this as said very politely, but if these are the extent of your problems with her at home, count your blessings! She takes a daily shower! She does well at school! So what if she doesn't want to use pimple wash on her face? It's her face, and it's clean. At some point, she may feel internally motivated to do it, but once you've provided the materials and shown her how to do it, step back or she will react by using the products even less. I'd say at least half of teenagers have a room that's a nightmare. I certainly did, and I never washed my fave outside of my shower either, because although the products worked they made my skin uncomfortable. 
And as an adult, my skin is clear, I still only wash it in my shower, and although my office is a mess, the rest of my house is as tidy as I can keep it. My mom still nags me about stuff now and all it does it make me want to do the opposite. I think you've done your job as a parent in regards to her skin, now it's time for her to take over.</div>
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KellyGlenn · Jan 4, 2011

I have had problems with this type of thing with both of my teenagers - a son who is 17 and a daughter who is 14. My son's BO has gotten better in the last year, but every once in a while I notice it. The other day I picked up my daughter in the car and she got in and took off her jacket. I could hardly stand the smell and I knew if i said anything, she would act offended as she always does. It helps me feel better that I'm not the only one because my husband does have this issue with his kids (my step kids). His kids hardly ever smell and if they do (from playing sports), they are happy to take a shower and want to be free from smelling.
 
I frequently ask my kids, "Do you need anything from the store? Shampoo, body wash, shaving cream?" I try to make sure they just didn't forget about running out of something.
 
My latest idea is to buy some deodorant and set it in my daughter's bathroom without saying a word. I'm sure she'll be annoyed about it. Both of my kids make good grades and are extremely pleasant to be around most of the time. My son has a job that he works at about 12 hours a week and he is very responsible and has been accepted into college. I know I need to count my blessings and I do.
 
I think we parents take these issues personally -- as in "Did I not teach my child in the right way to notice cleaniness (sp?) or odor?" and "What will other people think when they notice my child's BO?"

mtiger · Jan 7, 2011

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by sewchris2642 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16125073"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> It all depends on the teen's personality. I can and do tell Dylan that he stinks and did he remember to use deodorant that morning when I pick him up from school. And remind him that his teachers would appreciate it if the boys didn't stink in class. He tends to be oblivious about such things as personal hygiene. I keep my tone of voice and words on the light side, not harsh or accusing.
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The teachers would likely appreciate it just as much if the girls didn't stink, either.

sewchris2642 · Jan 10, 2011

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by mtiger <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16167736"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> <div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by sewchris2642 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285451/when-do-you-step-in-and-offer-advice#post_16125073"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> It all depends on the teen's personality. I can and do tell Dylan that he stinks and did he remember to use deodorant that morning when I pick him up from school. And remind him that his teachers would appreciate it if the boys didn't stink in class. He tends to be oblivious about such things as personal hygiene. I keep my tone of voice and words on the light side, not harsh or accusing.
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The teachers would likely appreciate it just as much if the girls didn't stink, either.
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True. But from my experience of having 3 girls, they just don't collectively, naturally stink as much as a confined group of boys do. Now a room full of girls who are wearing way too much perfume and perfumed products does.

When do you step in and offer advice?

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