[RiverSky]

...what do you do?

Sometimes, we have family members and friends who will surreptitiously and gently quiz our unschooled children. I swear they think I don't notice, but I do, and so far, I'm not quite sure how to respond. Part of me wonders if I'm being over sensitive (to some of the events, like, perhaps they always speak to children like that and aren't really quizzing), so I need a very tactful way to thwart any potential quizzing before it happens, and I don't want to be too direct, just in case I am wrong (don't want to offend). I am thinking of a variety of different people that we know who have done this at some point, btw, so not one person in particular.

I'm also contemplating a visit to see a bunch of skeptical family members soon and I am trying to prepare for the inevitable onslaught of quizzing.

I am NOT against the idea of posting something on Facebook, an article, a link, something, anything, that will explain why it's distasteful and disrespectful to quiz a homeschooled child.

Any ideas that you have would be more than welcome!

Thank you in advance.

 

[Multimomma]

I just had this issue with my dad when he came over for Easter dinner. Hints leave me

So today I finally (calmly) said "Every time you quiz him, you're implying that he is lacking somehow and I really don't appreciate it." Fundamentally it undermines the unschooling process.

I was going to vent about this anyway....he was all up in arms because my five yo, who can and will count forever, always skips the number 17. He knows it's there. He just doesn't say it. It's an odd quirk that really doesn't reflect his intelligence...but sheesh, it really bugged the crap out of my dad.

Secondly. my older kids and I have a game called world domination. There's a map on the wall, and people gain possession of different countries by telling people facts about them. It's funny, it started off when my 7yo looking at the map and wanting to own antarctica and I asked him how he rated having an entire continent. He came up with some funny facts about it. You earn by starting off with ten basic facts, then you can declare war by sharing a certain number of odd facts about the area...it's fun. SO the kids were fighting over eastern Russia today, and my dad just has to ruin it by forcing the conversation into trying to analyze WHY certain facts were true (ie Russia outlawed microwaves in late 70's) I was like , dad, drop it! Doesn't matter why or how these are true, at ages 10, 8 and 7, it's just enough that they are learning about these countries. Grrrr. Sorry, stole your thread.

I've just learned that I have to cut it off WHEN it starts, and be firm.

 

[straighthaircurly]

I would recommend asking those family members to please ask open ended questions rather than "quiz" questions. Give examples like, "Tell me what you have been interested in learning lately." "Do have any projects you want to share with me?" "What is new and interesting around here?" I also try to clue in family members about what my son's latest interests are...volcanoes, electricity, disassembling a VCR, etc. so that they have a clue how to tailor their conversation to get him talking.

If your family continues to "quiz" even after you have gently coached them otherwise then I would just let it slide unless it makes your children feel uncomfortable. If it is just you feeling uncomfortable, then I would say you should examine the real reasons behind your own feelings and deal with those.

 

[Niamh]

Multimomma, that game sounds fun!

straighthaircurly, I really liked your advice. If it's bothering your kid, then give them some tools to help them deal with the adult in question. If the adult still won't back off, and the child wants you to step in, then by all means, do so. But if the child *doesn't* see this as a big deal, but you still do (bugs the crap out of me, for sure), then look into your own reaction further before your child starts having a problem with it, simply because of your reaction.

My dad quizzes constantly also. Drives me batty. So far, my daughter doesn't seem to 'get it'. He asked her some inane question last time he was here and she looked at me and said "Do you know, Mother?" I started to answer and he said "No. I was asking you." She said "But I don't know and you don't know and Mother knows. She knows everything. You should ask her next time."

 

[kikidee]

I don't think this is always just a school-at-home problem. People have been quizzing DD since she started talking. And thinking back, my dad would always quiz us on stuff when we were younger. It might be generational - maybe that's one of the ways older people can relate to kids?? I don't know.

I don't know everyone's personal situations, so it may very well be people checking up on your unschooling abilities

but it may not.. just a thought!

However, no matter what the motive behind it, I haven't figured out how to circumvent the quizzing. Sometimes it's cute, and sometimes it's kind of annoying.

I'll be watching to see how everyone else deals with this...

 

[Whistler]

Kiki, that's interesting. Do you suppose everyone's kids get quizzed and only homeschoolers are defensive about it as if it means the family doubts their ability to teach successfully? Perhaps other families don't notice it so much? (I am just throwing these questions out to the four winds, NOT implying it is so)

I am trying to remember if people quiz my kids. I can't remember it ever bothering me so I didn't notice it at all. I think they probably ask them stuff like "what letter is that?" or "What's 2+2?" but I never thought anything about it because if my dad wants to teach my kid a letter, well, great. One less for me to worry about, lol.

ETA: My family has always thought teaching was fun, so it seemed natural to me that they would want a hand in teaching my kids stuff.

 

[kikidee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whistler Kiki, that's interesting. Do you suppose everyone's kids get quizzed and only homeschoolers are defensive about it as if it means the family doubts their ability to teach successfully? Perhaps other families don't notice it so much? (I am just throwing these questions out to the four winds, NOT implying it is so)

That's what I am wondering. I have found myself from time to time getting defensive about something b/c I read too much into a simple statement or question that wasn't even about me and my parenting choices. (Like yesterday, when my MIL said something to my daughter about school, in a louder tone than she had been talking -- I wondered for a moment if it was directed at me?? Even though last week, she was supportive when we talked about homeschooling...) Truly, I have had some "looks" or comments made about some of my choices, so once you have experienced that, it's natural to go on the defensive a tiny bit.

But, like I said, I don't know everyone's family, so I can't say for sure. Who knows... I was just throwing that out there. To the four winds, as you said.

 

[library lady]

I have never had a problem with my family quizzing my kids but that is only because I remember being quizzed as a child. My dad would say, "Whomever can tell about X, gets a dollar." Now, he will ask my daughters random questions about random stuff that my kids may or may not know. Frankly, I like it because it keeps me and the kids on our toes. Of course, if my kids don't know the answer, it isn't a big deal. My kids are the kind of kids that will immediately go learn whatever it is Papa was asking about just to impress Papa later. It is a big game in our family and we have always done it whether the kids went to public school or were homeschooled. I think I learned more from my dad's silly quizzing when growing up than I did at school.

 

[chaoticzenmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Multimomma I just had this issue with my dad when he came over for Easter dinner. Hints leave me So today I finally (calmly) said "Every time you quiz him, you're implying that he is lacking somehow and I really don't appreciate it." Fundamentally it undermines the unschooling process. I was going to vent about this anyway....he was all up in arms because my five yo, who can and will count forever, always skips the number 17. He knows it's there. He just doesn't say it. It's an odd quirk that really doesn't reflect his intelligence...but sheesh, it really bugged the crap out of my dad. Secondly. my older kids and I have a game called world domination. There's a map on the wall, and people gain possession of different countries by telling people facts about them. It's funny, it started off when my 7yo looking at the map and wanting to own antarctica and I asked him how he rated having an entire continent. He came up with some funny facts about it. You earn by starting off with ten basic facts, then you can declare war by sharing a certain number of odd facts about the area...it's fun. SO the kids were fighting over eastern Russia today, and my dad just has to ruin it by forcing the conversation into trying to analyze WHY certain facts were true (ie Russia outlawed microwaves in late 70's) I was like , dad, drop it! Doesn't matter why or how these are true, at ages 10, 8 and 7, it's just enough that they are learning about these countries. Grrrr. Sorry, stole your thread. I've just learned that I have to cut it off WHEN it starts, and be firm.

I'm totally stealing that game! I bet my kids will love that!

I haven't had the quizes yet, so I'm just subbing

 

[LittleSoulMama]

I agree with Multimomma to cut it off when it starts and be firm, however I'm not sure how to do this tactfully and constructively. Like RiverSky I would like to find any articles or links with reasons why it's disrespectful to quiz a child. I agree with Kikidee that this isn't just a problem for 'home school age' children as certain people have wanted to quiz my DS already and he's only little. It does seem to be the only way some adults know how to relate to children.

 

[LittleSoulMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niamh My dad quizzes constantly also. Drives me batty. So far, my daughter doesn't seem to 'get it'. He asked her some inane question last time he was here and she looked at me and said "Do you know, Mother?" I started to answer and he said "No. I was asking you." She said "But I don't know and you don't know and Mother knows. She knows everything. You should ask her next time."

I love your daughters answer

Did your dad 'get it'?

 

[transformed]

ok, my MIL is always "playing school" with my kids, for example:

"What color is this?" "What number is this?" "How old are you?"

She buys them schooly books and then reads them to the kids with the intention of "teaching" them. (She is a teacher, perhaps she cant help it?)

So she isnt really telling them they are wrong yet but something about it sits wrong with me....

My parents have also offered to teach my 6 yr old to read. So he doesnt end up stealing cars one day.

 

[Multimomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kikidee That's what I am wondering. I have found myself from time to time getting defensive about something b/c I read too much into a simple statement or question that wasn't even about me and my parenting choices.

Well, in our family I know it's about the homeschooling, because my kids were in public school for five years and my parents NEVER acted like that. But within a year of pulling them out of school...voila! Add the persecution.

The older kids know it's just how granpa is...but Sam and Dan are both a little sensitive about how granpa is always questioning them.

 

[KaraBoo]

I'm not very tactful. I just tell them to cut it out and that it's not cool with me that they're doing that. If I'm feeling nice (LOL), I'll add that they can just talk to DD normally. She is perfectly capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation.

 

[LaLaLaLa]

I'm tactlessly crashing in from new posts.

My kids are little (3 and 4 1/2), but we are doing the school thing; my DD is in preschool and will go into kindergarten next year.

People love to quiz my kids. My DS started talking pretty early, so family members were always trying to make him talk or count or sing for them. He gleefully identified shapes and colors on command.

We have this big floor puzzle of the United States that my kids have loved for a couple of years; they put it together probably hundreds of times and learned the states from it. Heck, I'M impressed by that (I also learned MY states along with them), so family members have been blown away. My brother and sister-in-law loved nothing better than picking up state after state and asking my kids what they were, and were tickled when they came up with the right answers.

I'm sure things are different for everyone, but in our particular situation, people quizzed my kids simply because it was so neat to see little kids who knew lots of stuff about lots of subjects. Also, at this point DD is so thrilled to show people what she knows. She loves to write letters and spell out simple words and sing the songs she's learned, so naturally people gravitate toward asking her these kinds of questions when they start talking to her.

Okay, bowing out of your forum now; thanks for letting me visit for a minute!

 

[sapphire_chan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kikidee I don't think this is always just a school-at-home problem. People have been quizzing DD since she started talking. And thinking back, my dad would always quiz us on stuff when we were younger. It might be generational - maybe that's one of the ways older people can relate to kids?? I don't know. I don't know everyone's personal situations, so it may very well be people checking up on your unschooling abilities but it may not.. just a thought! However, no matter what the motive behind it, I haven't figured out how to circumvent the quizzing. Sometimes it's cute, and sometimes it's kind of annoying. I'll be watching to see how everyone else deals with this...

I was schooled and my mom says she was always watching to see if I was at all distressed about being quizzed. Since I treated it like normal conversation--I enjoyed answering questions!--she'd let it go, but she says she was ready to step in with "you don't have to answer his/her questions s/he has no right to quiz you" if I ever had a problem.

If people didn't quiz kids, we wouldn't get funny stories like kids being asked to count to X and doing it in a foreign language.

 

[KaraBoo]

LOL That reminds me of a story. (Of course!)

When we first moved back to the States, we didn't have a car and used taxis a few times. One driver wanted to talk so we ended up mentioning that one of the reasons we moved to New Mexico was the homeschool laws. He laughed and made some comment like, "Ha! But do you know Mandarin Chinese?!" She said, "actually..." and proceeded to speak the few phrases she knew. Hee!

 

[boatbaby]

I taught my son how to respond with this when people start quizzing him.

"I am not a performing monkey."

That usually stops the quiz show. And he says it too.

 

[mammal_mama]

I think it's sad that more adults don't know how to just hang out and talk to kids like human beings. I wonder how some of them would react to being quizzed?

Since we stopped having contact with extended-family, I don't think anyone's quizzed our kids. If it ever comes up, I'll probably say nothing if my children are enjoying it -- but intervene and defend their right to not answer questions, and/or encourage the other person to just visit with my child like they would with any other human being, if my children don't like it.

One day a (schooled) neighbor boy started quizzing my oldest when he found out she was homeschooled. She looked at me, and I just asked him if he was trying to get her to do his homework for him. He dropped it.

 

[transformed]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammal_mama I think it's sad that more adults don't know how to just hang out and talk to kids like human beings. I wonder how some of them would react to being quizzed? .

Adults dont think like that though. They only care about themselves and they DO use kids as performing monkeys.

my dh was dragging my dd screaming around the pool the other day so she could "get used to it" and I said "Gee, this doesnt seem like fun at all" to her.

My parents and dh scoffed at me "Well, she has to learn." (She is 3)

Um, no, it would be better to have fun with her in the pool and then she will WANT to learn.

Friggin UA Violations.