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When is it time to let go?

537 Views 11 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  mama2monkeys
When do you get to the point where you decide that your marriage isn't working anymore and it's time to move on? I am so tired of being in this marriage and dealing with the same issues over and over again. I was a single parent for a long time and I long for the days of being alone again. Unfortunately everything is complicated by the fact that dh and I have a daughter together, I quit my job to stay home with my kids and we're homeschooling. I'm terrified to have to radically alter my children's life and the repercussions that would have.

Please I need some words of wisdom.
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I know to well the pain you feel from realizing you need to make a decision.

I could only say you need to listen to your heart and your head. The stronger of the two will be your answer.
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listen to your heart ...
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For me, the time came when I realized that I no longer had any respect for my ex, that he had no respect for me, and that staying with him was damaging my health, and endangering my son's emotional well-being.

Before it reached that point, I wasn't ready to give up. I thought we could get through the lying and the stealing...and I hadn't recognized the emotional abuse. I stuck it out for a long time, because I believe in marriage, and felt that we owed it to our son to make things work. However, my ex didn't have any interest in making it work, and marriage takes two.

I don't know - I guess when you simply can't see any way that the marriage can possibly work and/or you know that it's actually damaging you to be there, it's probably time to go.
I wish I knew the answer to this question. Sometimes it's not so extreme or obvious.

I think the best thing to do until you find your answer, is to focus on yourself as much as possible. Try as hard as you can to get clear-minded and happy and maybe at that point you'll know.

Can you be happy in a mediocre or dysfunctional marriage? I'm not sure.
I am asking this question myself, and can relate. For me, I have stayed because I wanted to honor my promise... the through thick and thin stuff. So for years I would keep trying. We now have a child together, and I sometimes feel like my ds is the only thing holding me here. Looking back, The bottom line is that no matter what has gone on, my ability to find hope and look on the bright side has gotten me through.

So if you're looking for reasons to stay and work things out, then do everything you can think of and more... read books and go to counseling. But if your situation is unhealthy for you or your dc, then you would have a more immediate need to make a decision.

As I read your post, I was thinking of how "ideally" marriage doesn't have an ending point... except perhaps when we pass away. Obviously life is complicated and we look for ways out. If you're physically safe, and you're willing to stick it out... I'd say to stay... but have a plan to address your concerns and a plan to improve your relationship (it doesn't have to be a rigid and exact plan... I'm thinking something like, just start out trying to have fun again with one another, then work toward the bigger issues... perhaps with a counselor... give it a time frame... mix things up a bit by getting away together... or spend time by yourself). If you stay and both you and dp continue with same behaviors and patterns, then nothing could be expected to improve.

It's easy to see greener pastures when things are tough... it's understandable to think if you weren't together the problems would be gone.... but then you'd still have to see one antoehr and work together to raise your child. Hold onto the fact that you loved enough to marry, and it's possible to love that much again. You are right to worry about the impact your decision would have on your child's life. I agree with everyone that your question is a deeply personal question that none of us can answer for you... Other than what I've already said, I would recommend exhausting each marriage improvement idea you can find, until you know for sure you're done with the relationship.

Of course this is just my humble opinion... I almost wonder if I'm writing this to give myself a pep talk to stay in my marriage. No matter what you choose, best wishes I hope you find happiness!
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I'm sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, just
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Why did you marry your dh? What are the reasons that you thought marriage to him was how you would spend the rest of your life? What has changed and how can you make it better?

For me, I would say that you don't decide that it "isn't working." When you got married you made a solemn vow to love and cherish that person until one of you died. There was no trial period to see how you felt about it. Talk to your dh about the issues that are a big deal to you. Go to counseling together to a counselor who's focus is keeping your marriage going. Unless he is cheating on you or harming you, do everything you can to make this work.
No one can make that decision except you, but I wanted to suggest a book, "Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay" It really elped me clarify my relationship with stbx, & my own feelings.

I have to disagree with the pp...I went into the marriage expecting it to last forever, and for the past 4 years I have done everything possible to save my marriage, but it takes two to make it work. Stbx still lies and is deceptive & doesn't see anything really wrong with it. I can't change that but I know I deserve better.

Originally Posted by phathui5
....When you got married you made a solemn vow to love and cherish that person until one of you died. There was no trial period to see how you felt about it....
That would work really well if people could see the furture. Sometimes you don't really know what you're getting into. And sometimes people change. No one should have to stay just because you said you would. I feel that it's vital for me to feel free to make healthy choices. For me, just cheating or harming is not enough, there is danger in many more things than that. Respect and love are required in a healthy relationship. I stay because I want to stay, yk?

listen to your heart. This must be so hard for you! *hug*
I agree with most of the posters -- it is such a huge, difficult decision to make and obviously should be made after much thought, meditation, discussion, prayer (if that's your thing), planning and consideration (ecxept of course in situations of immediate threat to safety).

I don't agree that you should stay at all costs. I did take a vow for life and I do plan to honor that, and I do realize there are rough patches in any marriage, issues, problems that may arise... but I don't know how I would feel if it seemed NOTHING worked and I was living YEARS of unhappiness... I may consider divorce.

You didn't give enough detail for me to give an opinion either way --- if he is like, a drug addict who steals money from your child's savings to get high -- yeah, I would say consider leaving unless he gets help now..... if he is leaving his dirty socks on the floor every single day despite your requests to pick them up, that is very annoying but not somethig to leave over -- know what I mean? I know I am illustrating two extremes, and there is a world of grey in there....

One word of advice I would give you is to try and make any big decisions in calm, quiet meditiative moments... life altering decisions should never be made after huge arguements or hurt feelings etc... How do you feel when things are good (or what you consider good for your relationship)? If you still feel you can't live with him when things are calm and (somewhat) normal, then I would say there is your answer.
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many hugs to you, i have not much advice except listen to your gut & heart.
it is hard to make such a change in life, the scariest thing is the unknown. goodl uck and many hugs and good positive thoughts sent your way.
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