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What do you do?
I don't feel like I want to get married right this second or anything, but marriage is something that I've always wanted. My DP says he never wants to get married EVER. It doesn't really matter right now, but how do you plan for the future?
 

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What are his objections to the institution of marriage? In many states, common-law relationships do become as legally binding as marriage, so if that's one of his concerns it might be useful to research the law in your area. I know some people don't want to get married until gay marriage becomes legal - are his issues of that sort?
 

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I he is pretty set that he will never get married, then you have to evaluate how important marriage is to you. If it is something that will bother you forever, then maybe it is better to cut your losses now. But, OTOH, if it is something that you want but do not necessarily *need*, you might be able to stay in this relationship indefinitely. This is only a question that you can answer.

The the relationship that I am currently in, we got to a point where I told him that marriage was important to me, and if that was not in our future, then I would be seriously re-evaluating my desire to stay. He spent some time thinking about it, and we did wind up getting married about 18 months after that. Obviously this is the basic, oversimplified story, but it shows how it worked for us. Once I decided that no marriage was a deal-breaker, I put the decision in his hands. But I had to be prepared to end things if he had decided that marriage was not in the cards for him.
 

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If marriage is something that you've "always wanted", and something that he "NEVER" wanted/wants...

Then to be honest, it does matter. It matters to you.

You plan for the future by looking at reality. If he says no marriage ever, then that is your future...with him...that you have to plan for. Could he suddenly change his mind? Maybe, but that is wishful thinking on your part.

Have you told him that marriage is something you've always wanted? How does he respond to that? What about marriage is important to you (rights?)? Is that something that can be remedied legally without state marriage per say (powers of attorney, drawing up wills with inheritance rights, ect.)? Or is it on the spiritual/emotional side of things (which is in a way more difficult to deal with, since that really can't be remedied a lot of times to both people's satisfaction, unless perhaps you both agree to a committment ceremony, or something along those lines)?

I would not wait around hoping and assuming he will change his mind. So really I would be looking at what might be a good compromise so that you get some of what you want.
 

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I do think you need to start thinking about this now. If marriage is truly important to you, you don't want to keep delaying dealing with this until you come to find that 10 or 20 years have gone by.

But perhaps, if it isn't impotant to you *yet* then it will never be important enough for you to leave to find marriage with someone else.
 

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Hope you don't mind me hijacking a bit OP...


Quote:

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
The the relationship that I am currently in, we got to a point where I told him that marriage was important to me, and if that was not in our future, then I would be seriously re-evaluating my desire to stay. He spent some time thinking about it, and we did wind up getting married about 18 months after that.
I've thought about that approach, but decided that giving an ultimatum would be a really bad idea (for me- not for you.
) As much as I want to be married, I don't want to force someone into it. What happens down the road when you have a fight, and he says "well, I didn't even want to get married in the first place!"?? I want to marry someone that wants to marry me! Plus, this is absolutely who I am going to spend my life with, so if he said NO, there's no way I could carry out the ultimatum and leave.

Ugh. It's a really hard question. I obviously want to respect his feelings on marriage, but feel like I need my feelings to be validated as well. So for now, I'm just hoping he comes around to my point of view...
I guess I'll reevaluate in a couple years and see if my views have changed any.
 

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If it matters to you, and he is never going to do it, then it comes down to this:
Does a life without him seem so terrible that you are willing to forgo marriage to have him in your life?
If the answer is yes, then the next step is trying to accept that as your reality and let go of the idea that not getting married is his fault, lest you begin to resent him.

Just MHO, mama, good luck!
 

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That was kind of dh and I. He talked about getting married, and I had never really figured on getting married. In the end, I chose that level of commitment with him because I really wanted it, and if it came with a piece of legal paper, so be it. I didn't have stronger reasons for turning away from marriage than he did for getting married.
 

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For me it would be the ultimate deal-breaker. You want me, marry me. That's that.


However, you have kids with him, and that's a complicating factor. Do you think he objects on an ethical basis? Or is he trying to "keep the backdoor open"?
 

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good question!
:

I guess my theory is why does it matter?

My partner wants to get married ASAP. I don't want to get married at all and feel like it's a joke. (it will be my 3rd marriage). We already live together and are fully committed so why does it matter, right? I don't need a wedding or piece of paper to validate that.:
 

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Have you seen the movie, "he's just not that into you"? I think it addresses this beautifully.

If you want something that is so core, such as marriage, and he doesn't...you can only control yourself and your actions (not his--you can't "change" his mind or "make" him do something he doesn't want to do)...so you have to decide, do you want the relationship you have now, for the rest of your life, even if you never get "married"?

Are there other core issues you guys don't agree on (kids, money, living location, etc.)?
 

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I agree with others that you need to figure out what is important to you and just how important it is. What is driving your desire to be married? Can you figure out a way to get what you need outside of the institution of marriage or not? If you cannot, then you will have to compromise or move on.

I was actually in your shoes. I stayed in the relationship for as long as I was comfortable with it, and about 8 years ago, after 8 years together, I laid it on the line and we ended up getting married.
 
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