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When partners disagree....

547 Views 11 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  ashcox
My kids are only 3 and 1, so I still have some time to work this out! I am pretty sure I want to HS and my husband more or less thinks I am nuts
Of course that is what he thought about home birth, cloth diapers and not cir'ing also, and guess what...we have home born, cloth diapered, intact kiddos
He went to public school and did great, was in a good district and just thinks this is the way to go. We live in a top ranked school district with no safety issues at school and small class sizes, so it is hard for him to understand why I want to learn at home.

Has anyone had a partner who innitially disagreed and later understood your feelings and how did you come to a solution that worked for everyone?
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My husband disagreed with hs at first; he still does a little but he tolerates it. In our case we had decided in advance that although he was the head of the household, he would defer to my judgements on most child-rearing issues because I was the sahm. But it has opened his mind a lot to see that they are in fact actually learning, discipline as well as academics.

You might suggest that you *try* hs'ing for kindergarten; they won't be missing anything and you and your husband can get used to the idea, see how it works, etc. He will probably be pleasantly surprised, as mine was, that they are learning and aren't being damaged.

Sometimes it is suggested to try putting them in school and then pull them if there's a problem, but I don't agree with that--remember, teaching your own is natural, instituational schools are unnatural. There should be some reason or problem with the natural way to do it the unnatural way, not the other way around (this was also a persuasive argument with my dh).

Good luck.
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My dh is the same way.He went to private and public,and his doctor dad was very hip on formal schooling.I have compromised by using an eschool for the time being.He will see the kids can learn just fine at home, and hopefully he will see the need for any school(specifically e) as unnecessary.
Best wishes!
Well, I wanted to HS, ds and dh wanted to try we tried it for a month...then they both were begging for me to HS...we started out with school at home and have relaxed into unschooling....DH still isn't very comfortable with it, has lots of doubts, but does see the benefits andthat it does WORK especially for and patience...just like with the kids?

Like one of the pp's dh was not a whole hearted supporter when we talked about it together (he always supported it wholeheartedly in public, as it WAS the decision that our family had made and he supports the family first). However, as it has been my JOB to raise the kids day to day, and to teach them to survive and thrive in the world, we agreed before we had kids that I would take the lead, after always carefully researching and considering options, in the care, etc. of our children. He's an engineer...I trust him to do his job as the main bread winner in our family. I don't second guess his designs or his work ethic. Nor does he second guess my work ethic or my job skills. It's really what I do best, and he trusts me. And, over a short period of time he realized that not only were our children thriving in a homeschooling environment, but they were excelling over our friends' and family members' children who are public schooled. He quickly changed his tune when we were talking about the situation together!
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My DH doesn't support HS either. We have had 2 discussions (DD is almost 2) about it, and he has agreed that for K she can stay home. I guess that is a start, but he didn't have K where he grew up so he doesn't see it as 'real' school. But 1st grade he expects her to be waiting for the bus...

It is interesting, he doesn't seem concerned w/ the academics, he says she will learn just as well at home as in school, but he has the big, very general, socialization question. You learn how to deal with people when you are in school, blah blah blah.

So, right now I am gathering good articles for bathroom reading for him. My friends (who don't get HSing but respect my decision) say that I will convince him in the end, as I have with everything else. I am not so sure this time. I can only pray, hope, cross my fingers, do the education dance, whatever it takes, that DD will excel and be ahead of her friends when she is done w/ her HSing K year.
I'm lucky in that my DH totally supports HS'ing the kids. I think after paying for a year of montessori, he is loving the part about it being free. No but seriously we've talked a lot about how children learn (all humans for that matter) and have agreed that public school is not at all what we want for our kids. The only alternative is Montessori and we can't afford it, and while we could possibly get the kids into the charter M school there are also many benefits to keeping them home. It just fits our family's lifestyle and I think that's something Dh has realized now that the kids are getting older and would soon all be in school full time.

I bet in the next few years your DH will come around. The closer the time gets to when she would start school, the more he will probably see how much she has learned and benefited from you staying home with her. I think the most important thing is to discuss what type of education you want for your children, you want to homeschool but what's more important is how you want them to learn not where. He may realize that his ideal ways of learning are not incorporated in public school and will then look at other options. Good luck.
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My husband was initially against the idea of homeschooling. However, I took John Holt's Learning All the Time out the library, and dh actually read it. He made a complete 180 in his views, and is now more of an advocate for homeschooling than he is for any of our other "alternative" choices.
courtney_e....Loved your description about you and your DH's relationship about the kids....that is is that way here too...just very unspoken...

I should also clarify that DH loves that we homeschool, doesn't even think of PS as an option but is uncomfortable wtih the unschooling part....he does say, "I trust you, I know you wouldn't just let them go willy nilly without researching this, but are you SURE they're going to know what they need toknow? I really don't want them living with us FOREVER!!" LOL.....sort of a family joke since we both have family members w ho never left the nest...AAAHHHH....(Of course I always point out they are a product of PUBLIC SCHOOLS, NOT HOMESCHOOLS!!...isn't that evil of me???)

While my DH is so AP about our kids he was not on board at all about hsing. We got into some pretty major disagreements about it and could not compromise. He wouldn't read some of the things I brought him like John Holt and refused to think I could really give DS (1st grade this yr) what he needed with 2 younger kids taking my attention away. He also had no other hsers to relate to other than his brother who hsed his DD for religious reasons and my DH does not like many of their methods.
So finally it came down to me insisting that I was going to this. He never really agreed. I was not happy with this but felt that time would soften his reluctance.
Finally last week he asked what "my plan" was for 2nd grade for DS. I asked what he thought might be good and he agreed that hsing next year would probably be good!!!! I was shocked and very pleased that he saw results finally!
Hopefully it won't be so extreme for you but I think many men need to see results some how so showing your child's "work" somehow might help. I often have DS share his day's work with dad and read aloud to him before supper
good luck
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Just have to share what my DH said after showing him the article on Car Talk about math education....

Good article. Good conclusions! Yes, I think we are doing it a better way….and I know I certainly haven't used 7/8 of the crap I have learned in school - either grade school or college. Love Kirk

If you are wondering what article I'm talking about, see Lillian's, look down the list of articles onthe left hand side...

DD is now 2 1/2 and I was worrying about this same thing about 2 years ago because I really wanted to HS and DH really didn't want me to. His dad's a teacher, his mom works at his dad's school, one uncle and two aunts are teachers, etc. I just kind of dropped the subject for a while but kept reading about it and letting him see I was reading about it. Now he just talks about HSing as if it's just what we're going to do. It is understood that we are probably only going to HS through elem. possibly middle school at the furtherst, most likely not high school. I personally want to HS through at least 8th grade, but we'll see. Anyway, give it time and I'm sure your DH will come around. It's amazing what 2 years has brought to our family. I really think DH is excited about it now. He's even talked about field trip ideas

Now my very verbal DD on the otherhand is going to take more convincing. She just thinks school is the most wonderful thing ever and at 2 1/2 is ready to start Kindergarten tomorrow. When I tell her that some people go to school at home with Mommy and Bubby (what she calls her little brother-so cute I think
) she says no and that she's going to go to school. But that's for another day, another thread.

Good luck with your DH. I'm sure it will most likely be amazingly easier than you currently think.
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